AIBU to not make my child eat everything on her plate?

[Lolabear38]

We have close friends whose house we eat at, or they eat at ours, fairly often. They have different expectations at dinner time for their kids than I do - they enforce a very strict ‘clear your plate or no pudding’ rule, I don’t do this.

When dd is at their house, their rule applies. Generally I would agree - their house, their rule but there have been quite a few times recently when she’s become very upset at being forced to eat a whole plate full of food she doesn’t want with the threat of no pudding hanging over her (she’s 6 and loves pudding). Friend or her DH are very firm with all the kids that they have to eat everything and they follow through with the threat of no pudding. It’s got to the point where I’m finding reasons not to go there to eat because dd is so anxious about it.

What is bothering me a lot about this situation is when they come to eat at ours, they try and enforce the same rule. I took friend aside this evening and told her that I don’t generally make dd clear her plate and explained why - she said fair enough but for the sake of making everything fair to her kids when they’re all eating together the rule has to apply - it’s not fair her kids have to do this while mine don’t.

I take things on a case by case basis - I generally know what dd had eaten in the day and so know she’s had a roughly balanced diet so if she doesn’t want to finish a whole plate of food, and presuming she’s eaten (what I consider to be) enough, then she’s allowed to leave what she doesn’t want and still have pudding. I also don’t want to force her to eat or use pudding as a reward.

AIBU to put my foot down and say dd doesn’t have to clear her plate to have pudding? In my own house?! Or when at restaurants? In their house, ok I guess. But if I’m following their rules in their home surely they should return the gesture when in my house?!

There’s no way I’d force my children to clear their plate. I’d explain perhaps it’s better to not eat at each other’s houses as you won’t be forcing that rule in your home. I also think it can lead to unhealthy food relationships and I follow the same approach as you. I never force my children to eat thing they don’t want, or are full.

Your house, your rules.

Crikey! Could you imagine someone forcing you to eat when you were full/had enough?
As an adult you'd absolutely kick back.
As for the no pudding, that's just cruel.
You're friend is an arsehole and she is trying to enforce the rule in your house too wtaf 🙄
I'd not eat with them anymore, protect your dd and tell your friend why

Her house - her rules

eating out - her rules

your house - her rules

how about YOUR child, YOUR rules

???

No way would she be dictating the rules for MY child in MY house or eating out.

at her house is just tell DD to eat what she wants & leave what she doesn't & she can have a treat (food or something else) later on.

it is difficult when you have different rules/expectations for your kids than close friends. BUT other people don't get to set the 'group rules'. Either you come to a joint agreement or you agree to enforce your own rules.

or you stop hanging out with dictatorial twats!!

she said fair enough but for the sake of making everything fair to her kids when they’re all eating together the rule has to apply - it’s not fair her kids have to do this while mine don’t.

Well life isn't fair and they're soon going to realise their mom is batshit anyway.

I think the PP suggesting you serve her a tiny portion, so she’s not over-faced, is a good solution for their house.

Outside their house, your rules. IME mums who insist on these type of rules are hugely anxious about their DCs eating. I don’t want that anxiety imposed on my DC. And my approach (small portions with the offer of seconds, no comment on what they eat or don’t, pudding rarely but never contingent on eating anything else) has produced two healthy weight DCs who are happy to try new food and eat most things.

I don't agree that this is cruel I believe that's an over reaction in my opinion. I ask my children to eat a reasonable amount of the meal I have prepared or they don't get anything else. It's hardly traumatising it's done to make sure they eat a balanced meal. My youngest daughter would just eat a tiny amount and then have pudding and fruit if we didn't say no and ask her to eat her meal.

I used to get the cane regularly because you had to finish everything on your plate.

I remember a dinner lady laughing at me and telling me that I would look back and think I was just a silly girl because you will love ….mushy peas/Christmas pudding/liver/gravy

I am a vegetarian who had banned Christmas pudding from the house. Even a whiff of it still makes me vomit and Dh is only to have his mushy peas if he makes them when I am out

As the years has gone on unless he is eating vegetarian food we don’t eat together as the smell of meat and gravy is so awful

I never expect my DC to clear their plates. If they are full they are full. My Mother would make me clear my plate and I remember trying to force down food I didn't want or sometimes didn't like. It was horrible.

Can you ask your friends to give your DD a smaller portion next time.

YANBU!!! This behaviour is controlling and outdated!

We have a toddler and sometimes he eats half his dinner but still wolfs down his yoghurt or fruit. Like you say it’s about looking at the diet as a whole throughout the day and week.

No adults should be creating anxiety or pressure with food.

On a broader note no one gets to say my child has to do something because their child does; I get in their house its their rule but I certainly wouldn’t be enforcing it in my own home or when out. Unfortunately her kids just have to learn that there’s different rules for some children.
i also take the same approach to you with my DD eating and I feel quite strongly about how the finish everything on your plate gives the wrong message about eating until you’re full and listening to your body which then leads to later issues. I’ve had a few disagreements with my sil about this when we’ve been at her home (even though she has no kids)

1. You are giving them too large portions if you are ok for them not to eat all their dinner. Why not plating less and allowing for seconds? It just shows some respect for food and minimises waste
2. I think you are not suited to eat together. You have different rules and they are not compatible. Meal times should not be all together. Just stick to activities where you do not eat at home, and when out and about each family has 100% ruling on their children
3. Keepbeing relaxed with your DD and food if she is healthy and eats a good diet. This of her becoming anxious is a no no, just act immediately.

This arrangement isn’t working, so end it. However, I don’t like waste so you might want to adjust how much you plate up, I’d rather seconds were requested than food just thrown away. In addition, pudding shouldn’t be every day and is in addition to the main meal not instead of. If there’s room in her tummy for pudding, there’s room in her tummy to finish her dinner.

I do think you friends are being over zealous but I think you’re being to accommodating to food waste. Adjust your portions and reduce pudding frequency.

I like the PP's suggestion of smaller portions with the option of seconds. Personally, I would just do away with pudding though then everyone can eat to their appetite without the need to hold out for anything.

FWIW we have a clear your plate rule, although because we rarely have pudding this tends to refer to seconds eg if DC wants another yorkshire/more meat etc, then they need to eat what's on their plate first. However, we don't give huge portions in the first place and we don't make a big deal out of it, it's an 'it is what it is'/shrug kind of thing. We remind once if needed but don't harp on about it. On the occassions pudding is available and DC doesn't want to finish their dinner because they're full, we always put them a portion aside for the following day. It works for us 🤷🏻‍♀️ No battles, DCs sometimes choose to leave food if full or they don't like a particular element of the meal without any stress, even when there's pudding, but that's rare. because they are human dustbins

It's tricky eating with other families at times. We have friends that give a sweet for having a mouthful of vegetable, the DCs take a small bite out of each non-veg item, then leave the table citing 'full' to be recalled when it's time for pudding only to finish a full adult portion. Their parents spend so much time and energy cajoling them and constantly stress over how little they're eating. My DCs were slack-jawed at this, and although they ate much more than their little friends (without the sweets!), they left a large portion of their food because they wanted to play too. We keep quiet and followed their rules as it is an occasional thing so no harm done, but I would have to keep to our own family rules if it was regular (I wouldn't expect her DCs to follow our rules though in either house). My DCs understand well that different families have different rules for things and that sometimes our rules are stricter and sometimes they're more relaxed. They see this play out and are fine with it.

If your child regularly can't manage to eat their dinner you're putting too much food on their plate surely. I'm on the fence on this issue after several kids visiting my house have eaten 3 bites of dinner (never any veg!) And then demanded pudding because 'my mum and dad don't make me finish'. I don't insist on a clear plate from my kids but I DO insist their veggies are eaten, and that they've had a decent go! Otherwise where do you draw the line. I know quite a few parents whose kids eat a tiny bit of dinner, then dessert, then an hour later are given lovely buttered toast when they say they are hungry because nobody wants them to 'go to bed hungry!' Their diets arent actually very varied they just fill up on loads of toast all day long. Foods expensive, I'm not scraping plateloads into the bin of an evening.

I've just realised that that reads initially like a 'finish your plate at every meal regardless' rule. To be clear, there is never pressure to finish your food, only that to get more (whether that's pudding or seconds) you must have finished what you've already got.

Missing the point completely here

It’s not good to force a child to clear their plate, but I also think it’s not a healthy habit to expect a pudding every evening. Perhaps cut puddings back to weekends only?

I’m on the fence here too. I serve my children a small, balanced portion of food (that I know they like/eat) and if they don’t eat it, then there’s nothing else. It’s not threatened, it’s just said matter of fact. If I don’t do this, my daughter will eat the carbs only and then just wait for pudding.

Once she’s eaten what’s on her plate, she’s welcome to have seconds of anything she fancies and then pudding. The only exception to this is new foods. These are placed on the plate and I encourage trying, not finishing.

Essentially, I put things on her plate. She chooses what to eat. She is never forced to finish anything.

Leaving aside arguments as to whether or not clearing your plate is a healthy way to approach food and eating, your friend is entirely unreasonable to expect to dictate how you do things in your own home with your own child.

Absolutely not!

They also cannot expect you to hold to their rules when eating out. They parent their children according to what they think is right and you are free to do the same with your child! If they want things to be ‘fair’ then maybe they should be willing to compromise a little bit on their very strict approach.

It may be controversial but I don't usually let my kids have pudding if they've not had a good effort at the veggies and a bit of meat.

My younger son would be a fussy and unhealthy eater if left to his own devices. I'm afraid I would say no to pudding if he hadn't eaten a decent amount of the healthy stuff. Otherwise he'd have a token couple of bites of broccoli or whatever, claim he was full and then wolf down a dinner's worth of cake or other pudding.

Appreciate that some kids are brilliant at eating healthy food and limiting the sweet stuff. I want my kids to have a balanced diet so I try to make sure that they don't just fill up on desserts (which I don't like as a compulsory part of a meal but they get them at school so it's hard).

I wouldn't expect visiting kids to have the same rule though.

As posters above have said, I’ve had other children over for dinner who have maybe eaten a bit of garlic bread or a sausage (after checking with parents about what they do/don’t like) and then demand pudding. I don’t think anyone is doing them any favours by allowing that. I’ve been know to say “Mummy says you like carrot sticks. Can you eat two for me?” or similar. I’d never force a child to eat anything but if my child (and the rest of the family) were still eating, I’d gently encourage it.

This is why I never did or believe in puddings - or rather the idea of calling them someone separate.

I serve a main meal. That's what you get and seconds are available if required or if someone clears their plate and is still hungry they can have fruit/ yoghurt etc.

When I've had desserts they've come out after even one has finished as a "I have ice cream today - does anyone fancy any?"

I started doing this because a) ds and I don't really like desserts as such and b) I was fed up of cooking dinners for visitors children for them to eat 4 mouthfuls and ask what was for pudding. I couldn't afford it. And I felt it wasn't really fair for me to be expected to cook food they'd only then eat if there wasn't another better option afterwards.

I agree with you though. Your house your rules. When out and about you follow your rules. And when at hers she can shoes the rules she expects people to follow.

I'm one of the strictest parents I know and even I draw the line at forcing dc's to clear their plates. It's controlling, cruel and leads to a whole host of issues with food down the road.

Mine have to have at least tried a bite of everything on their plate and eaten a fair bit of the veggies but if they don't want any more then fair enough. Who am I to decide whether they are full or not? It's not my stomach.

Don't let your friends do this to your daughter. I'm all for “their house, their rules" but it doesn't include things like this imo. Not forcing my dc's to stuff themselves with food that they don't want to eat is non negotiable for me. If you can't tell them straight that your dd can stop when she's had enough, end of story then just don't have meals with these people again.