AIBU to not make my child eat everything on her plate?

[Lolabear38]

We have close friends whose house we eat at, or they eat at ours, fairly often. They have different expectations at dinner time for their kids than I do - they enforce a very strict ‘clear your plate or no pudding’ rule, I don’t do this.

When dd is at their house, their rule applies. Generally I would agree - their house, their rule but there have been quite a few times recently when she’s become very upset at being forced to eat a whole plate full of food she doesn’t want with the threat of no pudding hanging over her (she’s 6 and loves pudding). Friend or her DH are very firm with all the kids that they have to eat everything and they follow through with the threat of no pudding. It’s got to the point where I’m finding reasons not to go there to eat because dd is so anxious about it.

What is bothering me a lot about this situation is when they come to eat at ours, they try and enforce the same rule. I took friend aside this evening and told her that I don’t generally make dd clear her plate and explained why - she said fair enough but for the sake of making everything fair to her kids when they’re all eating together the rule has to apply - it’s not fair her kids have to do this while mine don’t.

I take things on a case by case basis - I generally know what dd had eaten in the day and so know she’s had a roughly balanced diet so if she doesn’t want to finish a whole plate of food, and presuming she’s eaten (what I consider to be) enough, then she’s allowed to leave what she doesn’t want and still have pudding. I also don’t want to force her to eat or use pudding as a reward.

AIBU to put my foot down and say dd doesn’t have to clear her plate to have pudding? In my own house?! Or when at restaurants? In their house, ok I guess. But if I’m following their rules in their home surely they should return the gesture when in my house?!

I’m struggling to see how those two things are remotely different? Both involve clearing the plate, both involve OP’s DD eating more than she wants of something.

I am so anti-clearing the plate – both my DP and I overeat (and are overweight) because as children we lost our ability to recognise when we were by being forced to eat every scrap. We were kids of the 80s when 'don't forget the starving kids in Africa' became a parental mantra. As a consequence we let our DC eat as much or as little as she likes and still have pudding and she has such a healthy relationship with food and is naturally slim. So definitely keep on doing what you're doing with yours.

I would tell your friend that if she wants your DD to follow the rules of her house, she should respect the rules of yours when her DC eat there. Then I would ask her to serve your DD smaller portions at hers because she doesn't have a big appetite. If she refuses both suggestions and you want to maintain the friendships, step back from the kids dining at each other's houses. Do pick up before they eat at hers and ask her to collect hers before you serve too. If she still baulks at that, step away.

Argh! because as children we lost our ability to recognise when we were FULL

Yanbu to not force your child to clear their plate if they arent hungry, but yabu then letting them have dessert (or a treat 40 mins later) if they don't. That is conditioning and rewarding not eating.

All the reasons people have rightly given about relationships with food have merit, but the savoury main meal should take priority.

Portion control should sort out not being able to finish, but otherwise why isn't your daughter really hungry before her main meal?

Agree with PP. this can cause food issues later. Don’t let her dictate her rules in your house.

if she wants all the kids to follow the same rule when they’re at yours, then they follow your rule not hers!

my mum forced us to finish everything on our plate. Even one at 50, I really struggle to leave anything even if I’m fit for bursting! I’m a stone overweight.

I also never argue about finishing more to eat dessert, I don't want any food related battles at all

Id stop eating at hers - it's causing your dd anxiety around food and that's something you need to avoid! Anywhere else your rules apply and stick to that. I never force my dc to finish anything. Dd2 is less keen to eat veg so I long ask her to eat one more bit of broccoli and a couple of carrots but generally if they are finished they are finished. We don't tend to have proper puddings that often but they can always have something small and sweet after eg fruit, yogurt m, fruit winder, mini choc bar. As a pp said you are right and she is wrong. I don't even see this as just a fair parenting difference as now known to be harmful.

Well no...you shouldn’t have to eat until you’re full to get to have pudding! That’s not sensible at all. The sensible and reasonable approach to take if you’re teaching a balanced outlook on food is to eat enough of your main meal to where you are satisfied and have had some of everything you need, but with a little room left for pudding after. Otherwise you are teaching your child to over-eat.

Personally I do think there is a big difference between "clear your plate" and "no pudding if you don't clear your plate", and I don't think it's unreasonable to say that if they're claiming to be too full for their dinner (and haven't eaten much of it) then they can't have pudding.

But the idea of your friend standing over your daughter and trying to push her into eating more (rather than just saying no to pudding later whilst at her house if she didn't eat her dinner) definitely feels like overstepping.

I would avoid eating with her and her kids in future, and from her perspective I would be avoiding eating with you, too, as it can also be a problem eating with parents who are more lax with their kids than you.

I wouldn't make a big scene at the dinner table as some people have suggested.

So her rules apply at her house but your rules don’t apply at your house? That’s unfair to begin with.

How are parents still following this outdated rule of clearing your plate?! My parents grew up with that rule (in the 1950s) and deliberately didn’t implement it with their own kids in the 1980s because even then it was old fashioned!

Absolutely a child can’t live on puddings alone, but a blanket clear plates rule isn’t the way to go.

100% second this. Fair enough at their house but your house or elsewhere your rules. As she's feeling anxious I'd just say she doesn't have to eat stuff she doesnt want to but try to explain that means no pudding at their house.

Just don’t eat with them anymore. Meet up outside of mealtimes. If they ask why you can explain that having different rules is confusing and upsetting your child.

I agree with you OP.

I also don't force a clear plate policy. Humans are capable of knowing when they are full and do not want to eat anymore.

Take the argument back to babies. Unless their is failure to thrive nobody forces a baby to breastfeed for a set amount of time and force breast milk in to them, same for bottle feeding just because the book says they should be drinking 13oz of formula if you baby is finished and content at 10oz nobody is forcing 2oz of milk in to a baby to "finish the bottle"

If your child is of a healthy weight, active and has no issues, they can decide when they are full and don't want to eat anymore.

I as an adult don't clear my.plate especially in restaurants because the portion sizes are too big for me, but I'm not going to force food in to me and make myself uncomfortably full 😳

Your house your rules. Our house operates the same way - dessert is never withheld (dessert is rarely cake-like though!). However, it’s very rare my DSD doesn’t clear her plate.
If your daughter regularly isn’t clearing her plate then are you putting too much on it or is she not hungry?

No one is being forced to clean their plate, they just don’t get dessert if they don’t. Seems reasonable.

No it doesn't.

I weigh 20 stone because of my mum making me clear my plate:

please insist your rules at your house.

I don't think anyone is saying they force kids to clear their plate.

Those of us in that camp have a rule that you don't get pudding if you haven't had a decent crack at some of the food on your plate first. Partly as not eating veggies and some kind of protein to fill up on desserts isn't going to make for a great diet.

We're not talking about force feeding kids. Which seems to be implied on many of this posts.

As a child who was forced to eat everything and is now overweight and have issues with food I would stand your ground. I never make my DCs clear their plate it's not healthy at all.

Yanbu, it’s not ok to force kids to eat food they don’t want in order to be rewarded with more food.

I used to say to DS “how many more spoonfuls do you think your body needs?” And he’d be surprisingly honest and sometimes admit he needed some more.

i would not enforce for your dd in your house but in theirs, could you ask them to give her very small portions with seconds if needed? That way she’s technically “clearing her plate” but much less anxiety.

Suppose it depends what pudding is.

In our house pudding is normally something like a ice lolly, fruit and cream, a yoghurt, sugar free jelly cup. So it's not really going to matter if they left 3 carrots and a potato because the pudding is still relatively healthy or makes no difference because it's frozen flavoured water.

Posh pudding like cake or trifle is reserved for Sunday.

Your friend is forcing her children and your child to eat past the point their body is telling them they've had enough, that is such a bad idea. But so is offering dessert after every meal, I don't think that's heathy either.

I'd refuse to eat with her anymore, that way you can both keep your own rules.

Terrible idea. Forcing children to eat makes them lose the natural ability to know when they’re satiated.

I don’t think there’s much you can do about it in your friend’s home, other than just not eat there, but I’d be making it very clear that in your home, there is no such rule.

Omg. Never ever force feed a child. You eat what your body tells you to eat. If you are full you listen to your body. OP this is dangerous behaviour from your friend. My second husband says this to me too - and I very firmly laugh and say no. Funny enough he struggles with his weight. We don’t.

I would not agree to my child being subjected to that kind of regime.

But then we never made pudding a holy grail, and in fact never had pudding for ordinary weekday dinners. Just wasn’t a ‘thing’. No one got her up about it or fixated on it. If they fancied a biscuit later: fine.

The issue I have pudding being withdrawn or allocated based on children’s eating or behaviour is that it elevates sweet food to a level above their main meal, and leads to this thinking that their dinner is something to be endured to get to the really good stuff. Many people now believe that serving all food at the same time, their dinner and pudding if serving levels that out. It children have control over the order that they eat in, they can regulate their appetite to the food available, pudding isn’t something special as it’s part of the meal, and it stops the worry in parents that they are rewarding their child with pudding despite them not eating broccoli.

The food waste issue is something that can be solved by serving food family style. Food is just as wasted if a child is forcing down food they don’t want to get to a perceived treat as it is in the bin.