AIBU to not make my child eat everything on her plate?

[Lolabear38]

We have close friends whose house we eat at, or they eat at ours, fairly often. They have different expectations at dinner time for their kids than I do - they enforce a very strict ‘clear your plate or no pudding’ rule, I don’t do this.

When dd is at their house, their rule applies. Generally I would agree - their house, their rule but there have been quite a few times recently when she’s become very upset at being forced to eat a whole plate full of food she doesn’t want with the threat of no pudding hanging over her (she’s 6 and loves pudding). Friend or her DH are very firm with all the kids that they have to eat everything and they follow through with the threat of no pudding. It’s got to the point where I’m finding reasons not to go there to eat because dd is so anxious about it.

What is bothering me a lot about this situation is when they come to eat at ours, they try and enforce the same rule. I took friend aside this evening and told her that I don’t generally make dd clear her plate and explained why - she said fair enough but for the sake of making everything fair to her kids when they’re all eating together the rule has to apply - it’s not fair her kids have to do this while mine don’t.

I take things on a case by case basis - I generally know what dd had eaten in the day and so know she’s had a roughly balanced diet so if she doesn’t want to finish a whole plate of food, and presuming she’s eaten (what I consider to be) enough, then she’s allowed to leave what she doesn’t want and still have pudding. I also don’t want to force her to eat or use pudding as a reward.

AIBU to put my foot down and say dd doesn’t have to clear her plate to have pudding? In my own house?! Or when at restaurants? In their house, ok I guess. But if I’m following their rules in their home surely they should return the gesture when in my house?!

I am intrigued as to why you eat meals regularly with another family if it makes the meal so tense !
My children generally don’t have desert apart from yoghurt unless we are eating out
They most definitely have never been made to clear their plate as a form of bribery .
I would ease up on the shared meal arrangements!

If my children didn’t finish their dinner they wouldn’t get anything else, quite simple. I never made them finish a meal if they didn’t want to or forced them to eat anything they didn’t want to eat.
If they had friends over then whatever was planned for dinner, they were given including any treats and they could eat or leave whatever.
They’re in their 20s now and joke about ‘you can’t have dessert, you didn’t clear your plate’ especially if I leave something.
The reason I did this when they were children was because I witnessed my niece and nephew, about 5 years before I had my children and they cottoned on at a very very young age that if they refused their dinner my brother and SIL would still give them yogurts and treats after so most mealtimes consisted of the same routine of them eating a minuscule meal before filling up on petit filous and I swore I would not do the same.
My niece and nephew as well as my two children are all healthy adults with no food issues so everything turned out fine for all of them even though we both had a different approach to mealtimes.

Obviously goes without saying she can’t enforce her rules in your house, ridiculous to think she can. If she still wants to insist on her child clearing their plate then fair enough but she can’t force your child to. I’d argue she also shouldn’t be forcing your child to in her home either. I’d probably avoid eating with them in future.

The reason I did this when they were children was because I witnessed my niece and nephew, about 5 years before I had my children and they cottoned on at a very very young age that if they refused their dinner my brother and SIL would still give them yogurts and treats after so most mealtimes consisted of the same routine of them eating a minuscule meal before filling up on petit filous and I swore I would not do the same.

This is the thing. I think a lot of people here are very simplistic in their claims children who leave food on their plate are always just stopping when their brain tells them they are full and therefore developing a positive relationship with food.

Many children will snub their dinner almost/entirely and then spend the rest of the evening requesting snacks.

I'm not saying forcing them to eat everything on their plate is the answer but there is a balance to be struck and often children do refuse food just because they want pudding instead, if it is an option.

The regimented 'this is savoury so you must eat it first and only then do you get the prize of sweet things' just doesn't work for everyone in terms of shaping a varied diet.
Yes! I recognise that I’m lucky that DD is a naturally good eater who we’ve not had to battle, but I’m quite happy to let her have her yoghurt or whatever first, then she’ll happily nail a plate of spag bol. And tbh she eats better after a pudding sometimes – it takes the hanger tantrum edge off so she’s in a better mood to tackle a main course.

One petit filous isn't going to fill anyone though?! and no one is suffering letting them eat the whole pack regardless of what they've eaten for their main meal so still don't see why this is a thing! What you describe now is grown adults who feel if they want a pudding they have to finish everything so adding extra calories than if they just left a little room by stopping when they felt they'd had enough.

Not at all. What I’ve described are 4 adults who all have a healthy relationship with food even though their parents had very different approaches.

I agree with you OP. I have no idea why we think we can decide on a portion size for kids (or indeed adults) and expect that to be the exact amount that they need or want. I also don't think anyone should be made to eat something they don't like. I had this as a kid and became a veggie early on in adulthood as I just didn't like meat. So much weirdness around food - parents being competitive about having a child who is a 'good eater' etc.

Being forced to eat food in any circumstance is dreadful.

Of course they cant make your DS adhere to their rules in your house that is ridiculous. I'd also just have a chat with Dd if you are going to eat at theirs and explain they have different rules but that she can have pudding at home instead

I wouldn’t let anyone force my kid to eat.

No wonder she doesn’t want to visit them

I have had this problem and I stand up to people on my daughters behalf rather than allow random adults I’ve introduced her to dictate what she eat.

I hate when adults try and force kids to eat. It’s disgusting behaviour and will lead to a lifetime of food issues.

But @brown543 there is a big difference between saying you can't have pudding unless you have had "a decent crack" at your main course and you can't have pudding unless you have cleared your plate.

I think the former is a much healthier approach and if this is what you do then I agree. But the OPs friend appears to be in the latter camp and I disagree entirely with that rule.

I can relate to my own experience of having not a huge appetite and being a fairly slow eater do I usually know in good time when I have had enough to eat

If, say, I have eaten 80% of the main meal on my plate and I now feel full and know I have had enough I would rather stop. Potentially I could empty the plate if I really had to but it would be a struggle and I wouldn't enjoy it and would end the meal feeling uncomfortably full and maybe a bit sick. Obviously it is better to stop at 80% rather than force it down. If there is no second course or pudding around then that's fine I have eaten enough.

However if the potential for pudding did then arise I might think, well actually I could manage a little bit, whereas if I had crammed myself to the gills in order to clear my plate then I really wouldn't have room for any pudding however nice it looked.

If I were still a child and in that situation I would feel it was a bit unfair on those of us with small appetites, that only the greedy guts who can stuff down a full plate of dinner are then allowed pudding

5foot5 I'm with you, I'm like a grazing cow rather than being able to eat a large meal in one go...

But I think a number of the posters were in the same camp as me in terms of restricting dessert rather than making kids force down every last mouthful. Appreciate the OP's friend had a different approach again. Either way, I wouldn't ever impose my rules for on visiting children.

Yes, that was my point. Anecdotal evidence from both sides.

Sorry… not abandoned my own post here just had the most horrific stomach bug the last 24 hours! Slowly coming out the other side now 🤦🏻‍♀️

Thanks for the replies everyone. To clarify - ‘pudding’ in our house can be anything from fruit/ yogurt to ice cream/ crumble/ trifle etc. We don’t usually make a big deal out of it, it’s always just been part of the meal. Also, I always try and make sure dd has eaten a decent amount of food or at least attempted to before she gets anything else (she has to try everything on her plate and as she’s 6 I know what she likes enough to make sure there is something she will eat included in every meal). If she’s only eaten a measly amount or refused to try it I will encourage her to eat some more and if she refuses, that’s fine. She knows nothing else will be offered if she is, or is claiming to be, too full. My objection was the whole ‘only those who clear their plate can have pudding’ thing.

I can frequently feel too full to finish my meal, or feel like I’ve had enough of it, yet manage a pudding after. So long as dd is broadly eating a healthy, balanced diet (and as I said in my original post I generally have a good idea of what she’s eaten in the day) I’ll be totally fine if she is the same.

I see your point.
You should no longer eat meals together.
That said this pudding thing is totally odd to me and if my kids eat all their food on their plate then they can get some fruit or something. But I don't give them something else unless they have eaten what they've already got.
I've told them I'm not throwing away food unless they are full.
It's just wasteful.

This 'if you've had enough of the main course you can't have room for pudding thing' is just crap, isn't it?

I mean, everyone has left some lasagne, or stew, or fish and chips, not because they're stuffed but because they've had enough lasagne, or stew, or fish and chips, thanks. But wouldn't mind some fruit salad and ice cream, if it's going.

Now, there may be an issue around kids saying they've had enough macaroni cheese after one spoonful (and who can blame them, frankly - world's dullest food), but the answer to that can't possibly be 'well, if you've got room for raspberry ripple, then you've got room for macaroni cheese' because any kid with any sense will reply, "I didn't say I was full up - I said I'd had enough."

Our attitude when the kids were kids was that you eat as much as you want, and don't take the mick. Which seemed to work fine, and all our kids have grown into adults who eat sensibly.

Most of the time.

Which is probably true of most of us.

^ This!

I had a very small appetite as a child and used to be punished regularly in an effort to make me eat!! I would never, ever have inflicted that on my children! I'm not far off 60 but I think that clearing one's plate is a really ,old-fashioned notion.

However, why is everyone having desserts regularly? My kids pretty much only had them at Christmas/special occasions/when we ate out? I've been overweight for a large part of my life but I don't see the need for daily or regular desserts?

Don't let your DD be put through this. If there's no room for compromise, then maybe she shouldn't eat at your friends' house any more. Not worth it.

As someone who has struggled with eating disorders her whole life because my father would make me clear my plates and shame me if I didn’t and only allow me to have dessert (which was rare anyway) as a reward for eating said dinner… I would be furious for this. I know when my kids are pulling a fast one just to get to dessert quicker and I know when they are genuinely full or nearly full and saving some room for a treat after. I’ve worked hard to make sure they have a decent relationship with food and I wouldn’t be happy if a friend was doing what yours is. Stand up for your daughter and/or find new friends.
The whole thing is extremely triggering and making me angry on her behalf as well as my younger self’s behalf.

I was always told/made/persuaded to clear my plate.

I am overweight.

I let my children eat what they want. They are not.

they don’t get away with whatever they want! But we have conversations about eating the vegetables first if they can’t eat it all. And not having biscuits/icecream later if they’ve not eaten dinner! - that either gets the plate cleared, or if they’re genuinely full, they’re satisfied!

my children are both lean and athletic and love fruit & veg …. So I’d like to think I’ve done something right!

if you’re having a clear plate policy, let the children decide what they’re going to have and leave enough for them to have seconds and thirds. ….. don’t let the greedy adults with clear plate policies hoover it all up and leave the children hungry!

you are being unreasonable by considering allowing them to dictate how your child eats at your house & even at their house. They are being unreasonable to expect you follow their rules to be “fair” to their kids.

Whilst your friends are teaching their children about clearing their plates, they need to teach them that not all things are fair, not all parents parent the same, and to worry about themselves. So if your child doesn’t finish their plate and gets pudding then that’s not their business.

Seriously this would annoy the crap out of me.

Absolutely not being unreasonable. Your child, your rules… especially in your own house!!! If it was me I would tell my friend that as we have such different rules around meals that our DC can’t eat together anymore as it’s making my child anxious around food.

I agree.

However, I echo other posters in saying that puddings shouldn't be a daily thing.

They should be occasional treats.

Stop going for dinner with them and stop having them round at mealtimes. They have no business dictating what a visiting child does nor doesn't eat. Making a child anxious over food (especially when they're not your own) is completely bonkers.

My DC is fussy in the sense that they'll only eat my spag bol, stew, chilli etc. and won't eat the same dishes at friends' houses. Luckily the friends we visit seem able to cope with this - generally they'll give DC a small portion, encourage DC to have a try and then provide some plain bread or something on the side. Any pudding is entirely separate. I do the same with visiting children. I want them to have a good time and I don't want them to be anxious or unhappy in my house. I also don't think forcing or shaming children to eat is the best way to encourage them to try unfamiliar foods and I agree with pp that it can lead to overeating and an unhealthy relationship with food. Especially since the portions most people dish up to children are too big for them.

I would stop meeting them at meal times! They have no right inflicting their rules on your child.