AIBU to not make my child eat everything on her plate?

[Lolabear38]

We have close friends whose house we eat at, or they eat at ours, fairly often. They have different expectations at dinner time for their kids than I do - they enforce a very strict ‘clear your plate or no pudding’ rule, I don’t do this.

When dd is at their house, their rule applies. Generally I would agree - their house, their rule but there have been quite a few times recently when she’s become very upset at being forced to eat a whole plate full of food she doesn’t want with the threat of no pudding hanging over her (she’s 6 and loves pudding). Friend or her DH are very firm with all the kids that they have to eat everything and they follow through with the threat of no pudding. It’s got to the point where I’m finding reasons not to go there to eat because dd is so anxious about it.

What is bothering me a lot about this situation is when they come to eat at ours, they try and enforce the same rule. I took friend aside this evening and told her that I don’t generally make dd clear her plate and explained why - she said fair enough but for the sake of making everything fair to her kids when they’re all eating together the rule has to apply - it’s not fair her kids have to do this while mine don’t.

I take things on a case by case basis - I generally know what dd had eaten in the day and so know she’s had a roughly balanced diet so if she doesn’t want to finish a whole plate of food, and presuming she’s eaten (what I consider to be) enough, then she’s allowed to leave what she doesn’t want and still have pudding. I also don’t want to force her to eat or use pudding as a reward.

AIBU to put my foot down and say dd doesn’t have to clear her plate to have pudding? In my own house?! Or when at restaurants? In their house, ok I guess. But if I’m following their rules in their home surely they should return the gesture when in my house?!

I will add I've never expected or pressurised people to clear a plate.

But if you are full then you're full.

You aren't full but can manage a big bowl of cake and custard!

I was made to finish my dinner and now I can't leave food on my plate even if I'm really full. I hate that I do it but struggle to change my habits.

We also have someone that does this and I can't work out why because if your hosting dinner it's not very hospitable to be force fed. I do sometimes wonder if it's a control thing. But I always interject and just say it's ok leave what you can eat you can still have pudding.

I'm 50 50 on this.

Because I completely agree with everything you have said.

But I dont let my kids have pudding unless they have actually had a reasonable go at dinner, and I have a friend who brings her kids over and basically her bar for having pudding is non existent, I hate the example it sets my kids when they eat hardly any dinner and then demand pudding. They have form for doing things like only eating plain carb and refusing all veg/meat/protein.

If you go to your friends can you supervise the portion she's dishing up and get her to put less on to start with.This is less wasteful than big platefuls being left and if your DD wants more then she can ask? It means the bar for "clearing your plate" is more reasonable. Better yet, ask if your child can serve themselves, that way she can learn to take an amount she actually wants.

I dont believe in clearing plates either but its soul destroying how much food is wasted by children sulkily pushing a good meal around a plate with no intention of eating it, knowing they can just fill up on pudding, and I can understand if your friend dislikes waste.

We only really do puddings in restaurants

Sounds like an excellent opportunity for her DC to learn that different families have different rules and that doesn’t have to be unfair.

Agreed that if you are full you are full, so really it comes down to a child being picky about the dinner if they expect to leave the dinner but demolish pudding

Your child, your rules. I loathe parents who want everyone else to jump on board with their ridiculous rules to make it easier to enforce them with their own children. Eating is not about stuffing yourself until you are full. It is about nutrition and variety. Why must it be you who bends, why can’t your friends ease their stupid rules when you visit? As for bossing you around in your own home or eating out at a restaurant, absolutely not! I’d be having a conversation with your friend and let them know you don’t agree with their methods and won’t have them forced upon your child. Either they mind their own business or stop eating with them.

I don't even agree that their rules should apply to your dd in their house if you're all there together as guests, which it sounds like you are? I wouldn't sit back in someone else's house while they insisted my dd cleared her plate if she'd obviously had enough, I'd step in and say no. If your friend thinks that's not fair to her dc then she needs to review whether her whole approach is fair to her dc.

Lots of posters seem to have read this as they enforce old fashioned “eat the entire plateful” but that’s not how I read it ? I read it to be “clear the plate or no pudding”

the two rules are quite different, in my opinion. The first is awful and encourages eating past full. The second encourages not skipping mains in order to have pudding. Assuming a reasonable portion has been provided in the first place, I don’t think the that suggesting if a child is too full to finish their bolognese/chicken/peas they are too full for chocolate cake is that bad?

my DC like savoury food and mains, so I don’t enforce this, but I can completely see why my sister does with her DC. They would have two forkfuls of mains and skip straight to pudding every time.

I agree with you. Never have I ever made my 9 year old DD clear her plate. I don't force myself to keep eating when I'm full so why should she?

Got to admit though, sometimes she will hardly touch her dinner and still expect pudding - that isn't allowed and she knows that. But being genuinely full? That's fine to leave the rest.

We never did pudding daily either, for this very reason. Avoids the whole problem all together.

I just don’t agree that other people get to dictate what OP does with her own child. That’s not how parenting works. You look after your children and their needs in the way you determine is best for you/them and you leave others be to look after their children and their needs.

We only really do puddings in restaurants

Dieticians actually recommend giving small servings of puddings after meals but they meal relatively healthy things not packed with sugar - homemade stuff like rice pudding sweetened with fruit, yoghurt, fruit crumbles, fruit and nut flapjacks, pancakes.

It's funny too, most of the kids I know who aren't given pudding at home are given huge portions at meals and a lot of big snacks and are more overweight than my two skinny ones who get a home made pudding every day!!

Yes quite. If I’m visiting someone’s home that doesn’t mean I have to put my children under their authority. If I’m there I have final say on my child. I’m the parent.

If it’s a play date (awful term!) then it’s a little different and I’d expect my child to follow the rules set by the relevant adult.

It's an awful rule I'm afraid.

I never get my kids to clear there plate. They are taught to eat until they have had enough. I hated being brought up to ‘clear’ my plate. I don’t think food /dessert should be treated as a reward either.

I also generally don’t have two courses. My DH grew up in a household where he was taught to eat until stuffed. Starter, main course and dessert. All good as a DC who was sporty but when he left home he ended up obese as did his brother. He can’t cope having an empty stomach or not feeling full all the time. It’s important to teach DC healthy eating habits

In their house I'd tell her she doesn't have to clear her plate and you'll get padding on the way home. At yours or a restaurant just tell her she doesn't and give her pudding. Their rules don't apply to your kid.
I'd also never give the parents pudding if they didn't finish their food.

in your house it’s your rules so no they can’t enforce their rules on you.

personally I wouldn’t eat at their house as it sounds stressful but if you do I would insist on dishing up your own dd’s

Fuck that. Don't mix them with meal times that's bonkers

Hmm. I kind of disagree. I have grown up thinking there is something my DD and I jokingly call a "pudding stomach"

I have always been a fairly slow eater and have never had a large appetite. As a child I often struggled to clear my plate of dinner. My parents didn't like what they called "faddy" eaters, e.g. children turning their nose up at vegetables, this was the 1960s and they had both been brought up in households where everything had to go a long way as there were lots of mouths to feed. However I think they recognised that I had done my best. I made a reasonable stab at everything on my plate but just couldn't manage anymore.

They would still let me have some pudding though. And this is where I disagree with your assertion that if you are full you are full. Whether it is because of eating slowly I don't know but sometimes the "full" signals are being sent. Maybe one is starting to get bored with the food now and the appetite for it is lost. But then a little bit of something different appears and the appetite does return.

In any event I grew up a healthy size and weight with no good issues. As did my DD who was allowed the same leeway.

And as an adult now I will often choose to stop eating while there is food on my plate. Especially if I know there is a pudding! And I am 60 not 6 so I se no problem with it.

This is untrue. I can always eat my pudding even if I'm full to the brim!

Don't allow your child over at her friend's house then. You do have control over this part. Utterly appalling behaviour from the mum. It's not her place to enforce these rules on other children.

You could meet at a restaurant if the children want to eat together in future that way you can make sure it's in a neutral territory. And you make sure your DD isn't bullied into clearing her plate.

All of you saying you never force your children to clear their plate as you “don’t force myself to eat when full so why should they”……

NO ONE IS FORCING HER.

she can’t have pudding if she’s too full to finish mains. The OPs friend is not doing a 1970s school mistress on the child, watching like a hawk as the kid chokes down an enormous portion when they feel sick.

Mine only had pudding when we went out. Never an issue

@IsThisReallyAcceptable that’s a good idea. Just remind dc on the way there, that if she can’t finish you can always get her pudding at home or after?

@Immaterialatthispoint it potentially amounts to the same thing.

Forcing children to eat according to a blanket rule like that is really not a good idea. It sets up all kinds of problems and issues around food. But that’s beside the point anyway - it’s nobody's business but OP’s how she wants to approach this with her child and if the other parents want things to be ‘fair’ they need to think about compromise, not force their approach onto OP and OP’s child.