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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About to lose my shit at FIL - AIBU?

148 replies

alphapie · 07/07/2022 20:52

Full disclosure, I am 4 months pregnant and craving something I can't eat atm so might be clouded judgement.

Background, DH is NC with his mother and brother. His mother was extremely abusive during childhood so much so he left home at 14 and was homeless for 2 years to escape her. His brother was golden child and treated well in comparison.

DHs father was an absent dad and moved on with a 'new family' and didn't support him whilst homeless but they have built some form of connection over the last 8 years, and at the moment it's quite a solid relationship.

BIL has always made it clear he thinks DH is lying about the abuse he suffered throughout childhood, a few years ago MIL showed her true colours to BIL and assaulted his girlfriend who was living with him at the time, after that there was a short 6 month period where the two brothers were back in contact as BIL apologised.

However he soon went back to mother dearest and has been up her backside ever since, so we have 0 contact with him.

2 years ago, when fully NC FIL gave BIL our home address without our consent, I was annoyed, even more so when MIL turned up as BIL had passed it on and she caused a scene. We didn't mention anything to FIL through and just got over it.

Now onto my AIBU. DH has been out of work for 6 months having been made redundant and has found it really hard finding a new job as his sector has been hit hard with the economic downturn post COVID. He has got an offer but they need a lot of background info about his home life and family, including current addresses for all siblings. As we are NC we asked FIL for BILs current address, we said we weren't going to post anything (or send mental relatives round to cause a ruckus) it's purely for security checks. He has refused as ' he is uncomfortable giving out addresses' we need to contact BIL ourselves.

AIBU to remind this creature he was fine giving our address out knowing the more damaging consequences that could lead to so how dare he take this stand when it's going to cause issues with his son getting a much needed job. FIL has always been a shit but this is taking the biscuit imo.

We don't even have BILs phone number, email or anything to ask!! Not that we want to.

So wise MNetters AIBU?

OP posts:
Outfoxedbyrabbits · 07/07/2022 20:56

Well, YANBU in that FIL is clearly being a hypocrite, but YABU in that it's your FIL not your DH so you need to keep out of it really.

I'm sorry your in laws are all so awful. Can't your DH just explain that they are estranged and he doesn't have contact details?

PlaidBlanket · 07/07/2022 20:56

To be honest, I can see why he’s wary of giving an address now after the ructions it caused last time. And I’d let your DH fight his own battles with his father. You’re bound to feel protective, and get furious, and it won’t help matters. And can’t your DH explain that he’s entirely estranged from his brother and doesn’t have any contact details for him?

Original poster
alphapie · 07/07/2022 20:59

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 07/07/2022 20:56

Well, YANBU in that FIL is clearly being a hypocrite, but YABU in that it's your FIL not your DH so you need to keep out of it really.

I'm sorry your in laws are all so awful. Can't your DH just explain that they are estranged and he doesn't have contact details?

Unfortunately not, its a requirement unless they are dead (or he was adopted)

Honestly I just need my precious sausage sandwich and this won't seem as bad, but atm I am in full rage mode

OP posts:
LordEmsworth · 07/07/2022 20:59

Ummm...

It's weird that they need sibling addresses. I mean - what if your BIL was applying and needed your address, would you be happy for him to have it and give to his employer?

I'd be extremely wary of this "offer" where they "need" someone to provide personal data relating to others. What if the third party refuses permission for the employer to hold their data?

I realise that wasn't your question! But two wrongs don't make a right - he was wrong to give out your address, he would be wrong to give out someone else's...

Original poster
alphapie · 07/07/2022 21:01

PlaidBlanket · 07/07/2022 20:56

To be honest, I can see why he’s wary of giving an address now after the ructions it caused last time. And I’d let your DH fight his own battles with his father. You’re bound to feel protective, and get furious, and it won’t help matters. And can’t your DH explain that he’s entirely estranged from his brother and doesn’t have any contact details for him?

He didn't know about the issue giving our address out caused, he is blissfully unaware. My issue is there is a clear difference between giving one sibling who has chosen to be NC an address, as they aren't going to use it to be a dick, whereas BIL sent MIL round and a nasty letter along with it.

FIL knows exactly why they are NC, he is a wet blanket about it and chooses no sides though (despite one sibling causing and doing so much wrong compared to the other)

Gah this has filled me with the rage

OP posts:
Original poster
alphapie · 07/07/2022 21:02

LordEmsworth · 07/07/2022 20:59

Ummm...

It's weird that they need sibling addresses. I mean - what if your BIL was applying and needed your address, would you be happy for him to have it and give to his employer?

I'd be extremely wary of this "offer" where they "need" someone to provide personal data relating to others. What if the third party refuses permission for the employer to hold their data?

I realise that wasn't your question! But two wrongs don't make a right - he was wrong to give out your address, he would be wrong to give out someone else's...

You'd be wary of the government?

It's well known how much info certain levels of vetting require so definitely not wary about it

OP posts:
CrowsEverywhere · 07/07/2022 21:03

I'd just write down name/ dob and 'estranged- address unknown'. If they are that important an organisation they'll be able to find your BIL address from that if it's needed and anyone else will accept that as the information available.

WITL · 07/07/2022 21:04

I’ve worked for the MOD and didn’t need to supply my siblings address.

just wrote estranged and not in contact unknown address

but really? I worked for a top mod role and didn’t need that

bellac11 · 07/07/2022 21:04

What sort of job is this, the armed forces, police?

Your father in law is doing the right thing to be honest, he learnt from the last time that he gave out your address and it was the wrong thing (because it was the wrong thing)

Theres no way everyone in this country knows the address for siblings, as you say many are estranged and wont know them.

Bundlesofchocforme · 07/07/2022 21:04

It’s tricky but I’m with FIL with this one, he was in trouble for sharing your address and now you want him to share BIL’s, I can’t blame him for wanting to stay out of it tbh.

AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 07/07/2022 21:05

The new job would have a hard time with me because I wouldn't be able to give out any family addresses at all! There surely must be a way for the firm to do security checks without having to have the addresses of people he's NC with? And how are they going to do checks without contacting them? I wouldn't give them the address. Offer previous employers or trusted professionals instead (e.g. doctor).

Original poster
alphapie · 07/07/2022 21:06

WITL · 07/07/2022 21:04

I’ve worked for the MOD and didn’t need to supply my siblings address.

just wrote estranged and not in contact unknown address

but really? I worked for a top mod role and didn’t need that

Going through the form now (all 90000 pages of it) there is no option for free text just dates and a post code thing which then searches the address to select.

I have asked him to speak to the lady who is arranging it all and asking, as I hope it's not an uncommon thing to maybe not be in contact with all relatives. But this hypocrisy has really pissed me off.

OP posts:
PutinIsAWarCriminal · 07/07/2022 21:06

I can't imagine wanting any employer of my siblings to have my personal information, equally I wouldn't want to give details of my siblings to an employer. I'm on really good terms with my siblings too. FIL was right not to pass on the information in the case, as it was to go to a 3rd party, not be kept in the family.

rwalker · 07/07/2022 21:06

He gave your address out and no doubt got shit for it, he's learned his lesson and won't do it again .
He NBU you are you can't kick off at him for doing something then when it suits you ask him to do it again .
Speak to the people needing details I'm sure they will of come across it before and advise you best way to deal .

Hoppinggreen · 07/07/2022 21:06

DH had to have similar checks for working at the MOJ
He put address not known for one relative and explained in the notes and it was fine

Original poster
alphapie · 07/07/2022 21:07

Bundlesofchocforme · 07/07/2022 21:04

It’s tricky but I’m with FIL with this one, he was in trouble for sharing your address and now you want him to share BIL’s, I can’t blame him for wanting to stay out of it tbh.

He wasn't in trouble, made that clear in my OP. He didn't even know the fall out it caused.

Giving one sibling with a track record of causing shit an address vs giving a sibling an address of someone he will definitely not contact is different imo esp as there is a legitimate reason for it.

OP posts:
bellac11 · 07/07/2022 21:07

alphapie · 07/07/2022 21:01

He didn't know about the issue giving our address out caused, he is blissfully unaware. My issue is there is a clear difference between giving one sibling who has chosen to be NC an address, as they aren't going to use it to be a dick, whereas BIL sent MIL round and a nasty letter along with it.

FIL knows exactly why they are NC, he is a wet blanket about it and chooses no sides though (despite one sibling causing and doing so much wrong compared to the other)

Gah this has filled me with the rage

Show quote history

He may well be aware though that your mother in law turned up and thought 'oops'. He might not have known about the full ructions

You're also being unreasonable about calling him a wet blanket for choosing no sides, whats his beef with his son which would cause him to choose sides? He has no obligation to choose sides for someone else

onlyk · 07/07/2022 21:07

If this is for security clearance give them the last known address for BIL with rough dates ( this could be MIL address).

They have enough access to information to check him out via an old address to confirm identity.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/07/2022 21:07

Why can't you have a sausage sandwich?

RedCarsGoFaster · 07/07/2022 21:08

I've had several security clearances done now, most recent was 2020.

If you're NC with a family member, just fill it in to the best of your knowledge. We're NC with DHs birth mother, so put down name and DoB for her but we've no idea where she is these days, so no address.

It's not uncommon - they'll be used to seeing that kind of thing.

Original poster
alphapie · 07/07/2022 21:08

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 07/07/2022 21:06

I can't imagine wanting any employer of my siblings to have my personal information, equally I wouldn't want to give details of my siblings to an employer. I'm on really good terms with my siblings too. FIL was right not to pass on the information in the case, as it was to go to a 3rd party, not be kept in the family.

Then your imagination mustn't stretch too far, there are many organisations that require enhanced and super enhanced vetting, we are already having issues with my family living in an unfriendly nation so this just isn't helping

OP posts:
DPotter · 07/07/2022 21:09

You could try to track him down yourself - Do you have a rough idea where he lives ? You can check the electoral roll to see if he is listed. Try and find him on social media, any mutual friends / family. failing that employ a private detective. heard someone on the radio a few days ago saying it cost £250 over 4 days to find someone - might be worth the investment.

Having said all this - I would be very wary about this type of security check - what could happen if the potential employer decided to contact your DH's mother & brother?

Original poster
alphapie · 07/07/2022 21:09

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/07/2022 21:07

Why can't you have a sausage sandwich?

I've ran out of sausages!!! Nearest shop is closed and the big Tesco was out of the ones I like earlier.

I'm sure this is mostly down to sausage rage but I'm still pissed Grin

OP posts:
RJnomore1 · 07/07/2022 21:10

Why does being pregnant mean you can’t eat a sausage sandwich?

Original poster
alphapie · 07/07/2022 21:10

DPotter · 07/07/2022 21:09

You could try to track him down yourself - Do you have a rough idea where he lives ? You can check the electoral roll to see if he is listed. Try and find him on social media, any mutual friends / family. failing that employ a private detective. heard someone on the radio a few days ago saying it cost £250 over 4 days to find someone - might be worth the investment.

Having said all this - I would be very wary about this type of security check - what could happen if the potential employer decided to contact your DH's mother & brother?

Tbh this is another worry as they have asked if one of my parents is open to an interview (as they live in a 'hostile' nation) so I'm hoping if he emails the lady setting this all up he might be able to omit them, as if they contact them lord knows what they will do/say

OP posts: