About to lose my shit at FIL - AIBU?

[alphapie]

Full disclosure, I am 4 months pregnant and craving something I can't eat atm so might be clouded judgement.

Background, DH is NC with his mother and brother. His mother was extremely abusive during childhood so much so he left home at 14 and was homeless for 2 years to escape her. His brother was golden child and treated well in comparison.

DHs father was an absent dad and moved on with a 'new family' and didn't support him whilst homeless but they have built some form of connection over the last 8 years, and at the moment it's quite a solid relationship.

BIL has always made it clear he thinks DH is lying about the abuse he suffered throughout childhood, a few years ago MIL showed her true colours to BIL and assaulted his girlfriend who was living with him at the time, after that there was a short 6 month period where the two brothers were back in contact as BIL apologised.

However he soon went back to mother dearest and has been up her backside ever since, so we have 0 contact with him.

2 years ago, when fully NC FIL gave BIL our home address without our consent, I was annoyed, even more so when MIL turned up as BIL had passed it on and she caused a scene. We didn't mention anything to FIL through and just got over it.

Now onto my AIBU. DH has been out of work for 6 months having been made redundant and has found it really hard finding a new job as his sector has been hit hard with the economic downturn post COVID. He has got an offer but they need a lot of background info about his home life and family, including current addresses for all siblings. As we are NC we asked FIL for BILs current address, we said we weren't going to post anything (or send mental relatives round to cause a ruckus) it's purely for security checks. He has refused as ' he is uncomfortable giving out addresses' we need to contact BIL ourselves.

AIBU to remind this creature he was fine giving our address out knowing the more damaging consequences that could lead to so how dare he take this stand when it's going to cause issues with his son getting a much needed job. FIL has always been a shit but this is taking the biscuit imo.

We don't even have BILs phone number, email or anything to ask!! Not that we want to.

So wise MNetters AIBU?

Just use the last known address you had for them. Even if it was 20 years ago.

He probably thinks you are a hypocrite. Kicking off for giving out your address and now you are asking for someone else's.

But why does being 4m pregnant mean you can't eat a sausage sandwich

No this is not true. They don't have to accept what you say. If you can't provide the details needed and can't prove how squeaky clean you and your entire family and friendship group are you won't pass the vetting and won't get the job.

Not the case when I went through DV (more than once.). They made it really clear that the issue wasn't so much the weird shit in your personal life and your past, it's mostly if you weren't honest about the weird shit in your personal life, as well as your personal and family finances. The biggest issue is whether you can be blackmailed or are likely to be open to bribery.

Ditto for people I know with Strap. Definitely some weird family shit going on with some of them.

I have no idea how OP hasn’t exploded yet

*She didn’t kick off

*she’s out of sausages

Still don’t understand any of it. Could you not go and buy some sausages?

www.gov.uk/government/publications/dbs-national-security-vetting-solution-guidance-for-subjects/uksv-national-security-vetting-solutions-hints-and-tips-for-completing-your-e-form-application<a class="break-all" href="https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/dbs-national-security-vetting-solution-guidance-for-subjects/uksv-national-security-vetting-solutions-hints-and-tips-for-completing-your-e-form-application" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Is this helpful?

I had to go through advanced vetting to work for the police. There are very good reasons for it. But don’t worry OP, it’s likely to take months, so your sausage crisis should be well and truly sorted by then.

(Im sure the vetting officer will be able to advise re BIL. It’s not an unusual situation).

Sorry about the messy post

is the above any help?

For people who are surprised at this level of security, a a few of my extended family work for BAE building nuclear submarines. They have to sign the official secrets act and much more. My DSis worked at Porton Down as part of her Uni course 35 years and to this day has never spoken of it having signed the act.
With the current world situation and the advent of the digital era we should be grateful that companies do their due diligence. So much information is freely available online to even the most amateur sleuth it’s frightening.
However seems like your BIL is elusive.
Do you know where he works? If all else fails maybe follow him, from a discreet distance, home to find out where he lives. I have no idea if this is legal but needs must and all that.

Curious. Resolve for what? Not to be tempted by smoked salmon?

You’ve handled this thread well, in spite of daft combative posters and no sausages.

If it's on the UKSC website, from recollection there is a box you tick for the specific family member that says you don't have that information.
All the usual boxes then appear (name, address, DoB etc). But this time any you leave blank shouldn't turn red, it should let you go through.

I had the same issue last year with my dad, who I've been NC with for over 20 years.

I had to ring my vetting officer and ask the same question.
She just said give as much information as possible, as they still do all the checks, and the less they have to go on, the longer it takes.

I hope you get your sausage sarnies today. It's made me want some for breakfast (and I don't have any in).

DH needs to tell the new employer he doesn’t know and has no way of getting this information. And I totally agree that any employer asking for this would have their own way of getting it anyway if it’s for vetting.

This removes the problem of needing anything from FIL. And to be honest, after he abandoned his son to an abusive mother and then gave her the means to find him in later life, I wouldn’t be needing any sort of relationship with him at all.

DH has been security vetted and that was bad enough but one of his friends had GCHQ vetting and put DH forward as a referee. He had to have a phone interview and was asked some very odd questions about his friends sexual preferences - not just sexuality but even more in depth

Thank you for this, DH was out at 6am on a sausage mission and was successful!! Crisis averted

Really helpful, and reassuring as the lady doing his vetting takes an age to reply to emails so this will keep us calm until then!!

Thank you

Need to be able to sticky this to the top of the thread!!

Although I'm currently sat here, with a sausage baguette living my best life so not too bad, at least one issue is resolved

Try the electoral roll

I only deal with gdpr in connection with a few issues so no, I wasn't aware. Nor was I aware that this was a High security role as that wasn't mentioned in your first post.

I don't think the OP's DH is suitable for the job. He will clearly do anything for his DW and she is easily corrupted for a sausage 😂

I'm corruptible for far less these days

I want a sausage sandwich now

So if you are NC with some family members would they still contact some of them as part of the vetting process?