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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About to lose my shit at FIL - AIBU?

148 replies

alphapie · 07/07/2022 20:52

Full disclosure, I am 4 months pregnant and craving something I can't eat atm so might be clouded judgement.

Background, DH is NC with his mother and brother. His mother was extremely abusive during childhood so much so he left home at 14 and was homeless for 2 years to escape her. His brother was golden child and treated well in comparison.

DHs father was an absent dad and moved on with a 'new family' and didn't support him whilst homeless but they have built some form of connection over the last 8 years, and at the moment it's quite a solid relationship.

BIL has always made it clear he thinks DH is lying about the abuse he suffered throughout childhood, a few years ago MIL showed her true colours to BIL and assaulted his girlfriend who was living with him at the time, after that there was a short 6 month period where the two brothers were back in contact as BIL apologised.

However he soon went back to mother dearest and has been up her backside ever since, so we have 0 contact with him.

2 years ago, when fully NC FIL gave BIL our home address without our consent, I was annoyed, even more so when MIL turned up as BIL had passed it on and she caused a scene. We didn't mention anything to FIL through and just got over it.

Now onto my AIBU. DH has been out of work for 6 months having been made redundant and has found it really hard finding a new job as his sector has been hit hard with the economic downturn post COVID. He has got an offer but they need a lot of background info about his home life and family, including current addresses for all siblings. As we are NC we asked FIL for BILs current address, we said we weren't going to post anything (or send mental relatives round to cause a ruckus) it's purely for security checks. He has refused as ' he is uncomfortable giving out addresses' we need to contact BIL ourselves.

AIBU to remind this creature he was fine giving our address out knowing the more damaging consequences that could lead to so how dare he take this stand when it's going to cause issues with his son getting a much needed job. FIL has always been a shit but this is taking the biscuit imo.

We don't even have BILs phone number, email or anything to ask!! Not that we want to.

So wise MNetters AIBU?

OP posts:
bellac11 · 07/07/2022 21:11

alphapie · 07/07/2022 21:08

Then your imagination mustn't stretch too far, there are many organisations that require enhanced and super enhanced vetting, we are already having issues with my family living in an unfriendly nation so this just isn't helping

Show quote history

The poster was saying that they couldnt imagine wanting to have their siblings employer knowing their address, not that they couldnt imagine an employer wanting the address.

Original poster
alphapie · 07/07/2022 21:11

RJnomore1 · 07/07/2022 21:10

Why does being pregnant mean you can’t eat a sausage sandwich?

There is a sausage shortage at casa alphapie. The shops run bare, my tummy remains sausage less. I cried for about 20 mins about it earlier - send help

OP posts:
DPotter · 07/07/2022 21:12

PS - I would also make sure your FIL knows about the incident with MIL

PSS - have your sausage sandwich, with HP sauce - the best!

user1471457751 · 07/07/2022 21:13

For all those saying the FIL has learnt his lesson after getting shit last time, no he hasn't. Because he wasn't told about the issues last time. It's in the OP's posts.

bellac11 · 07/07/2022 21:13

alphapie · 07/07/2022 21:11

There is a sausage shortage at casa alphapie. The shops run bare, my tummy remains sausage less. I cried for about 20 mins about it earlier - send help

Show quote history

I think this is definitely more about the sausages

Are you going to have brown sauce or red sauce?

DPotter · 07/07/2022 21:13

cross post - send out DH for supplies! and bung some in the freezer as emergency stash too

bellac11 · 07/07/2022 21:14

user1471457751 · 07/07/2022 21:13

For all those saying the FIL has learnt his lesson after getting shit last time, no he hasn't. Because he wasn't told about the issues last time. It's in the OP's posts.

This is a processed meat disaster but to add to that, theres every chance that the father in law was told by the brother in law that the mother in law went round. He probably regretted it in the end.

Original poster
alphapie · 07/07/2022 21:15

@bellac11 nah he is a wet blanket, the type of man who would stand by and just say oh no if one of his children was on fire. Oh no was literally his response when his youngest child was sexually assaulted in a train a few years ago, total apathy.

Can't get involved, can't comment, can't house his homeless 14 year old in case it upset the new family, can't tell one of his sons it's not acceptable to send an abusive POS round to his brothers house, can't pay child support and instead hid his wealth as he didn't like his ex wife.

God this is cathartic

OP posts:
Bussty · 07/07/2022 21:15

It sounds to me like FIL has learnt his lesson - I'd take that as a positive. Just because he did it one way doesn't mean he should do it the other way. If he were happy to do it then that would be a sign he doesn't recognise the harm it caused last time.

DH is currently going through the security clearance for a high-level job and also needed to provide all this stuff (including all the information, including middle name, of my dad's girlfriend of less than two years whom he's met only once). DH, however, is completely NC with MIL (fairly similar situation to yours) and so didn't have all the information they requested - he told them that and the clearance was processed without it. So, just explain the situation and it'll be fine.

Be warned though, the clearance process is very, very, very slow at the moment. They're suspending/postponing every renewal and the new applications are taking much longer than expected. DH was told three months is normal back in December and is still on the internal side now.

Original poster
alphapie · 07/07/2022 21:17

DPotter · 07/07/2022 21:13

cross post - send out DH for supplies! and bung some in the freezer as emergency stash too

I'm close to making him take the 45 min journey to the big big Tesco as I'm on the brink of a full meltdown.

I even wrote out a tirade on WhatsApp and deleted it to FIL

Have told him if my hands are full of sausages I can't text his dad Grin

OP posts:
PutinIsAWarCriminal · 07/07/2022 21:21

alphapie · 07/07/2022 21:08

Then your imagination mustn't stretch too far, there are many organisations that require enhanced and super enhanced vetting, we are already having issues with my family living in an unfriendly nation so this just isn't helping

Show quote history

On the contrary. My imagination is excellent, which is exactly why I wouldn't want my personal information to be given out as part of someone else's job application!

bg21 · 07/07/2022 21:23

I'm curious as to why you can't eat a sausage sandwich

Bussty · 07/07/2022 21:24

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 07/07/2022 21:21

On the contrary. My imagination is excellent, which is exactly why I wouldn't want my personal information to be given out as part of someone else's job application!

Show quote history

I've had to provide information for two siblings (there's four of us in total). It's really very common.

Funnily enough, it's the same people who say they'd refuse to hand over their information who'd kick off if someone in one of those positions was found to have dodgy family connections. You just can't win with some people.

ChubbyButt · 07/07/2022 21:25

Also, OP, I'm 36 weeks pregnant and my sole pregnancy craving has been pate and it's turned me into a raging bitch. I'm tempted to take some to the hospital with me for the second the baby is out.

RJnomore1 · 07/07/2022 21:26

Sending good vibes and mail order sausages…

Original poster
alphapie · 07/07/2022 21:26

ChubbyButt · 07/07/2022 21:25

Also, OP, I'm 36 weeks pregnant and my sole pregnancy craving has been pate and it's turned me into a raging bitch. I'm tempted to take some to the hospital with me for the second the baby is out.

I think I'd cry for 1000 days and nights if I craved a food I couldn't safely eat, I bow to your willpower!! I'm at full rage mode after 8 hours being sausage less Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
alphapie · 07/07/2022 21:30

@bg21 the shelf runs dry! The local shop was out earlier and even the Tesco didn't have any good sausages in stock at 16:00 when I last checked,

DH is going to have to make the long journey to the big big Tesco as I don't think I will last the night

OP posts:
TMIAnonymous · 07/07/2022 21:31

NC for obvious reasons.

There's probably a way round this. I went through clearance for what sounds like a lower level than your DH. For some reason I completely forgot that I'd lived somewhere else for a few years (complicated - don't ask) and the person managing my application contacted me to say 'didn't you live at X address?'. 'Oh , yes. Sorry. Difficult time.' My application was approved.

What I'm saying is that if you can somehow get on to the form that you're estranged from BIL they will be able to track him down. Where it goes from there is less predictable, but I don't think it's down to you to find him. Let them do the hard work.

Good luck to your DH.

ChubbyButt · 07/07/2022 21:33

alphapie · 07/07/2022 21:26

I think I'd cry for 1000 days and nights if I craved a food I couldn't safely eat, I bow to your willpower!! I'm at full rage mode after 8 hours being sausage less Grin

Show quote history

Given how irrationally horny pregnancy appears to make me, I'm also in full rage mode after eight hours being sausageless haha (TMI).

PoseyFlump · 07/07/2022 21:33

This is one of the weirdest threads I've read in a long time.

Are they wanting to check BIL isn't a criminal or something? Can't they figure that out with name and dob?

My DF is trying to get info on a relation in hospital and has just been told due to 'data protection' they can't say much. Funny how rules can be broken by the right people.

RosesAndHellebores · 07/07/2022 21:35

I had to be positively vetted due to DH's job. Siblings and/or parents' addresses didn't come into it. However, with hindsight a very eccentric and posh lady came to my door with a basket of sandwiches for sale and I do think it was some sort of test to see how I responded/check my resolve.

Happyher · 07/07/2022 21:36

Why doesn’t he just say he’s estranged from his mother and brother and does not have current contact with them. He can give them names. DoB and last known address and the company can trace them if it’s that important

catflycat · 07/07/2022 21:38

If you don't know it you don't know it, just put that you are estranged and will probably need to explain why at the interview. If it doesn't let you leave the field blank ask your PoC what to do in this situation.

DashOfMilkNoSugar · 07/07/2022 21:38

I used to work for the police as a civilian member of staff and had to give details of mine and my husband’s family for vetting.

CallOnMe · 07/07/2022 21:40

YABU

Learning from your mistakes isn’t being a hypocrite.

Just because there was no arguing over it last time doesn’t mean he’s not thought about it and realised that it was wrong or someone else like his DP told him it was wrong and so decided to not do it again.

I know it’s crap but if I was DH and had his family, I wouldn’t take a job that involved going through my family members like as I don’t think it’s worth the potential drama that might come from it.