About to lose my shit at FIL - AIBU?

[alphapie]

Full disclosure, I am 4 months pregnant and craving something I can't eat atm so might be clouded judgement.

Background, DH is NC with his mother and brother. His mother was extremely abusive during childhood so much so he left home at 14 and was homeless for 2 years to escape her. His brother was golden child and treated well in comparison.

DHs father was an absent dad and moved on with a 'new family' and didn't support him whilst homeless but they have built some form of connection over the last 8 years, and at the moment it's quite a solid relationship.

BIL has always made it clear he thinks DH is lying about the abuse he suffered throughout childhood, a few years ago MIL showed her true colours to BIL and assaulted his girlfriend who was living with him at the time, after that there was a short 6 month period where the two brothers were back in contact as BIL apologised.

However he soon went back to mother dearest and has been up her backside ever since, so we have 0 contact with him.

2 years ago, when fully NC FIL gave BIL our home address without our consent, I was annoyed, even more so when MIL turned up as BIL had passed it on and she caused a scene. We didn't mention anything to FIL through and just got over it.

Now onto my AIBU. DH has been out of work for 6 months having been made redundant and has found it really hard finding a new job as his sector has been hit hard with the economic downturn post COVID. He has got an offer but they need a lot of background info about his home life and family, including current addresses for all siblings. As we are NC we asked FIL for BILs current address, we said we weren't going to post anything (or send mental relatives round to cause a ruckus) it's purely for security checks. He has refused as ' he is uncomfortable giving out addresses' we need to contact BIL ourselves.

AIBU to remind this creature he was fine giving our address out knowing the more damaging consequences that could lead to so how dare he take this stand when it's going to cause issues with his son getting a much needed job. FIL has always been a shit but this is taking the biscuit imo.

We don't even have BILs phone number, email or anything to ask!! Not that we want to.

So wise MNetters AIBU?

Surely this requirement is a breach of GDPR? They haven't consented to have their addresses and details made known.

Wonder if you'd say the same if they let people work on restricted and secure sites with 0 visibility of family history nor vetting and there were issues.

Family info is vital for many high security roles, especially when they need to run credit checks, ensuring no one is a criminal, making sure you're not easily corruptible etc.

As someone who could only drink lemon sqush and eat prawn crackers for final month of pregnancy i sympathise.

As for the addresses i put last known address down for royal security clearance and i didnt hear anything back so it was fine.

@ZarquonsSandals

Ding ding ding, should run a MN bingo as this ticks off the misunderstandings around GDPR box.

There are exemptions for legitimate interest which this more than covers, as outlined online with a quick google.

Given that it was his sausage that got you in to this situation, it’s only fair your DH does the trip to the shop asap.

Tell me about it! DH did an ancestry dna thing last year in the vein hope he was adopted to no avail!

Ooo I like this. Sausage related guilt trip in 3...2...1

When I was doing my nursing degree I was offered a few days placement in a prison and couldn't fill out their security form because of all the family info required (have family who had broken the law plus much drama and some NC or no address), so I totally sympathise. As mine was just a placement, rather than a job, I didn't have to do it I just declined the offer but I'm still sad I lost the opportunity.
I hope your DH gets through it.

I can’t offer any advice re the address but I totally relate to sausage sandwiches and oregano Cy.
The “force” was so strong in me I knew I was pregnant before I tested positive based on the craving for sausage sandwiches.
The girls at work used to give me that knowing look if I ordered one for breakfast and DH would break out into a cold sweat if he saw me eating one. I’m now most definitely post menopausal so can now eat them without causing speculation.

My phone has a mind of its own oregano should read pregnancy.
Maybe GCHQ is already monitoring you and interfering with my phone.

😂

Not legitimate interest, carrying out a public function.

Why does this have anything to do with you feeling sick?

Op, if you are talking about DV I would fill in the form explaining the situation and talk to the person in charge of registering your husbands forms. They do accept families being estranged from one another, the form just does not make this clear.

good luck

Can you find the info through a Google search or similar? You know his dob and other info.

My family members took 9 months last year, but was complicated by overseas previous addresses.

Who is feeling sick?

Massive sympathy, it's not so much that he's doing it but that he's treating them differently. My DH also has a dad who quite frankly I don't know why he speaks to and it really grinds my gears but unfortunately it's his family. Argh.

Nah BIL is a boring poo online, nothing available in terms of address or number from what I can see when doing a cursory search a few mins ago.

Think they should have an option for 'dead to me' next to deceased when filling this shit out

Thank you for this, he has emailed the lady who sent all this out and hopefully we will hear back soon, he just wants to fill it in and get the ball started. He is lucky he is only upgrading his level of clearance not starting a whole new application as those are taking a loooong time atm

This thread is hilarious!

Seriously, you can't think why some positions need to know all this information?

You think someone who captains a nuclear submarine just gave a couple of references from old employers to get the job?

Blimey the naivety on here is on a different level sometimes!!

You'd bloody faint at some do the questions they ask you at the Vetting Interview!

And they don't just interview you, also friends, family, neighbours ....

There is so much trouble in your family that I don't blame individuals for not sharing addresses. Write on the form not in contact.

Trouble is one sided, which is what bugs me.

The one sibling who shouldn't have been given the others address was, yet the one who would do everything but contact them with it is the issue.

Gah

I'm surprised so many people can’t think of a reason why the government would want to carry out additional security checks for particular roles.

For example, if the OPs husband was applying for a job at GCHQ dealing with top secret information & his brother lived in Russia, this would be a massive red flag. Or if the OPs husband had declared bankruptcy, this could mean he could be more susceptible to blackmail, so would be another red flag. If the OP & her husband liked to go to China on holiday - red flag.

This is why names, addresses, bank details, mortgage statements, passport info etc is asked for.

Im glad he has contacted his vetting officer & hope you get a response soon.

I think you need to focus on the job side first. If the only way you can get the address is ask and be told no, then I can’t see how it a problem to name the individual and put address unknown.

Is it an airport/ferry/port job? That is why they will be looking at family unfortunately.

If it’s via an agency then ring and explain and they will advise. If it’s direct, call HR, explain the family situation and ask what alternatives might be. Sounds tricky, good luck, it hopefully shouldn’t be a shut out just because your OH is NC with family.

Then you need to address the family situation, I can get why you are annoyed.