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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About to lose my shit at FIL - AIBU?

148 replies

alphapie · 07/07/2022 20:52

Full disclosure, I am 4 months pregnant and craving something I can't eat atm so might be clouded judgement.

Background, DH is NC with his mother and brother. His mother was extremely abusive during childhood so much so he left home at 14 and was homeless for 2 years to escape her. His brother was golden child and treated well in comparison.

DHs father was an absent dad and moved on with a 'new family' and didn't support him whilst homeless but they have built some form of connection over the last 8 years, and at the moment it's quite a solid relationship.

BIL has always made it clear he thinks DH is lying about the abuse he suffered throughout childhood, a few years ago MIL showed her true colours to BIL and assaulted his girlfriend who was living with him at the time, after that there was a short 6 month period where the two brothers were back in contact as BIL apologised.

However he soon went back to mother dearest and has been up her backside ever since, so we have 0 contact with him.

2 years ago, when fully NC FIL gave BIL our home address without our consent, I was annoyed, even more so when MIL turned up as BIL had passed it on and she caused a scene. We didn't mention anything to FIL through and just got over it.

Now onto my AIBU. DH has been out of work for 6 months having been made redundant and has found it really hard finding a new job as his sector has been hit hard with the economic downturn post COVID. He has got an offer but they need a lot of background info about his home life and family, including current addresses for all siblings. As we are NC we asked FIL for BILs current address, we said we weren't going to post anything (or send mental relatives round to cause a ruckus) it's purely for security checks. He has refused as ' he is uncomfortable giving out addresses' we need to contact BIL ourselves.

AIBU to remind this creature he was fine giving our address out knowing the more damaging consequences that could lead to so how dare he take this stand when it's going to cause issues with his son getting a much needed job. FIL has always been a shit but this is taking the biscuit imo.

We don't even have BILs phone number, email or anything to ask!! Not that we want to.

So wise MNetters AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
alphapie · 07/07/2022 21:59

@Mellowyellow222 so you've made wild assumptions then Biscuit

I need to fill in a lot of my family information, it is a joint exercise

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 07/07/2022 21:59

I might be being a bit thick here, but what possible reason is there for a potential employer needing sibling addresses?

Is it the secret services?! - joke, but really, that seems absolutely intrusive & OTT.
Why can DH not simply say "we are estranged, I do not have his contact details?"
Why did he even have to say he had a brother?

WeDoNotTalktoPennilynLott · 07/07/2022 21:59

alphapie · 07/07/2022 21:07

He wasn't in trouble, made that clear in my OP. He didn't even know the fall out it caused.

Giving one sibling with a track record of causing shit an address vs giving a sibling an address of someone he will definitely not contact is different imo esp as there is a legitimate reason for it.

Show quote history

OP, I'm unsure why so many people aren't bothering to read or try to understand that FIL doesn't actually know the trouble it caused giving your address out. So that isn't the reason why he won't do it now.

I would do as PP said and write estranged in notes and probably go NC with FIL too

Original poster
alphapie · 07/07/2022 22:00

KettrickenSmiled · 07/07/2022 21:59

I might be being a bit thick here, but what possible reason is there for a potential employer needing sibling addresses?

Is it the secret services?! - joke, but really, that seems absolutely intrusive & OTT.
Why can DH not simply say "we are estranged, I do not have his contact details?"
Why did he even have to say he had a brother?

You really can't fathom the wide range of jobs that require people to have enhanced vetting?

OP posts:
Mellowyellow222 · 07/07/2022 22:00

alphapie · 07/07/2022 21:59

@Mellowyellow222 so you've made wild assumptions then Biscuit

I need to fill in a lot of my family information, it is a joint exercise

Okay! Good luck with that!

Original poster
alphapie · 07/07/2022 22:02

@WeDoNotTalktoPennilynLott failing to read most of the opening post is an Olympic MN sport, I'm unsurprised if not still annoyed about it though!

OP posts:
Quackpot · 07/07/2022 22:02

Totally missing the point, but why cant you have a sausage sandwich when pregnant? That's a new one isn't it?

MissyCooperismyShero · 07/07/2022 22:02

KettrickenSmiled · 07/07/2022 21:59

I might be being a bit thick here, but what possible reason is there for a potential employer needing sibling addresses?

Is it the secret services?! - joke, but really, that seems absolutely intrusive & OTT.
Why can DH not simply say "we are estranged, I do not have his contact details?"
Why did he even have to say he had a brother?

Why shouldn't it be secret service? They employ a lot more people than you might imagine and they don't all jump out of helicopters a la James Bond.

Original poster
alphapie · 07/07/2022 22:03

Quackpot · 07/07/2022 22:02

Totally missing the point, but why cant you have a sausage sandwich when pregnant? That's a new one isn't it?

I'm out of the tasty little creatures!!!

OP posts:
WeyAyeMan · 07/07/2022 22:03

35 weeks pregnant and I proper want a sausage sandwich now 😫

Original poster
alphapie · 07/07/2022 22:04

WeyAyeMan · 07/07/2022 22:03

35 weeks pregnant and I proper want a sausage sandwich now 😫

I have eaten nothing but sausage sandwiches for lunch and dinner for 4 weeks straight, I think I might turn into one at some point. I have 0 right to be upset as I had some for lunch yet here we are Blush

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 07/07/2022 22:04

alphapie · 07/07/2022 22:00

You really can't fathom the wide range of jobs that require people to have enhanced vetting?

Show quote history

I can't fathom an organisation that doesn't understand that families fall out, & address information is not available to some NC family members, no.

Original poster
alphapie · 07/07/2022 22:06

@KettrickenSmiled I hope they see sense when emailed but until then I shall remain stressed and sausageless (the two worst S words)

They're having to call one of my parents as they live in a foreign country so I can see why they are needing basic info around family

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 07/07/2022 22:07

alphapie · 07/07/2022 21:50

As made clear in my original post, I never had a go at him, he has no idea we are pissed about it. Wish I had flipped now

Show quote history

Somebody needs to flip at him.
Can't get involved, can't comment, can't house his homeless 14 year old in case it upset the new family, can't tell one of his sons it's not acceptable to send an abusive POS round to his brothers house, can't pay child support and instead hid his wealth as he didn't like his ex wife.

Sounds like nobody ever calls him out, & he panders to BiL the golden child.
Does DH not wish to challenge him, in case he becomes even more distant? Small loss, really. Poor DH has been treated so desperately unfairly.

Original poster
alphapie · 07/07/2022 22:09

@KettrickenSmiled DH doesn't want no family, which I understand. If we cut off FIL he would have no one except me (although I'm great I can see why it would be sad not speaking to any of your 'blood' family )

I personally think FIL is as bad, if not worse at times than MIL but don't often voice it as I know it hurts DH. Knowing none of your parents give a shit about you has hurt him so deeply and I can understand him wanting to at least pretend his Dad is 9pm

OP posts:
Original poster
alphapie · 07/07/2022 22:10

*ok, not 9pm

OP posts:
Hyvsvaar · 07/07/2022 22:11

Ex armed forces
I don’t remember this questioning about siblings, even when I got married there wasn’t much paperwork
things must have really tightened up,…how much detail do they request about siblings, last known contact details or more in-depth

LakieLady · 07/07/2022 22:12

LordEmsworth · 07/07/2022 20:59

Ummm...

It's weird that they need sibling addresses. I mean - what if your BIL was applying and needed your address, would you be happy for him to have it and give to his employer?

I'd be extremely wary of this "offer" where they "need" someone to provide personal data relating to others. What if the third party refuses permission for the employer to hold their data?

I realise that wasn't your question! But two wrongs don't make a right - he was wrong to give out your address, he would be wrong to give out someone else's...

My late DP had to give no end of info about relatives when he was applying for a civilian job with the police.

He found it really intrusive.

Original poster
alphapie · 07/07/2022 22:12

Hyvsvaar · 07/07/2022 22:11

Ex armed forces
I don’t remember this questioning about siblings, even when I got married there wasn’t much paperwork
things must have really tightened up,…how much detail do they request about siblings, last known contact details or more in-depth

Just current address, when DH last saw or contacted them, first name, last name and DOB

OP posts:
Sparksbakescakes · 07/07/2022 22:16

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Caulidop · 07/07/2022 22:17

OP, if going through DV they will accept that you do not necessarily have the information to hand. It is not unusual to have estranged members of family. Submit the form with the missing info with a note saying unknown. They eill likely follow up, you DH just needs to confirm he doesn't know and explain why. They'll be happy with the truth, he just needs to be honest about the situation. All will be fine, drop the conversation with FIL and complete the forms to the best of your knowledge.

Original poster
alphapie · 07/07/2022 22:20

Caulidop · 07/07/2022 22:17

OP, if going through DV they will accept that you do not necessarily have the information to hand. It is not unusual to have estranged members of family. Submit the form with the missing info with a note saying unknown. They eill likely follow up, you DH just needs to confirm he doesn't know and explain why. They'll be happy with the truth, he just needs to be honest about the situation. All will be fine, drop the conversation with FIL and complete the forms to the best of your knowledge.

Thank you for this, and to the other posters offering reassurance - it's helping me climb down from my anger tower!!

OP posts:
Duttercup · 07/07/2022 22:23

As many people have said, your husband just needs to email his vetting officer, who will likely tell him to put down what he does know or last known address. It's not a big issue but bad luck on marrying into a chaotic family and good luck with the sausages.

LordEmsworth · 07/07/2022 22:24

*You'd be wary of the government?"

Yes, I would be wary of any person or organisation who insisted that I hand over someone else's personal data without their permission or knowledge in order to gain a personal advantage such as employment. But I love the optimism that the government is trustworthy, proper belly laugh that one ...

Mostmarriedcouple · 07/07/2022 22:25

This family sounds like an absolute shit show.

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