About to lose my shit at FIL - AIBU?

[alphapie]

Full disclosure, I am 4 months pregnant and craving something I can't eat atm so might be clouded judgement.

Background, DH is NC with his mother and brother. His mother was extremely abusive during childhood so much so he left home at 14 and was homeless for 2 years to escape her. His brother was golden child and treated well in comparison.

DHs father was an absent dad and moved on with a 'new family' and didn't support him whilst homeless but they have built some form of connection over the last 8 years, and at the moment it's quite a solid relationship.

BIL has always made it clear he thinks DH is lying about the abuse he suffered throughout childhood, a few years ago MIL showed her true colours to BIL and assaulted his girlfriend who was living with him at the time, after that there was a short 6 month period where the two brothers were back in contact as BIL apologised.

However he soon went back to mother dearest and has been up her backside ever since, so we have 0 contact with him.

2 years ago, when fully NC FIL gave BIL our home address without our consent, I was annoyed, even more so when MIL turned up as BIL had passed it on and she caused a scene. We didn't mention anything to FIL through and just got over it.

Now onto my AIBU. DH has been out of work for 6 months having been made redundant and has found it really hard finding a new job as his sector has been hit hard with the economic downturn post COVID. He has got an offer but they need a lot of background info about his home life and family, including current addresses for all siblings. As we are NC we asked FIL for BILs current address, we said we weren't going to post anything (or send mental relatives round to cause a ruckus) it's purely for security checks. He has refused as ' he is uncomfortable giving out addresses' we need to contact BIL ourselves.

AIBU to remind this creature he was fine giving our address out knowing the more damaging consequences that could lead to so how dare he take this stand when it's going to cause issues with his son getting a much needed job. FIL has always been a shit but this is taking the biscuit imo.

We don't even have BILs phone number, email or anything to ask!! Not that we want to.

So wise MNetters AIBU?

Mine was the same. Specifically sainburys chicken liver pate. I had it on toast as soon as we got home from the hospital and nothing I've ever eaten has tasted anywhere near as good. Stay strong

I'd have so much more respect if it was him learning from his mistakes, this is just yet again one rule for one brother and different rules for the other.

He never wants to say no to BIL, yet will say no to DH again and again despite the clear difference in which is 'right'

Yes vetting for govt jobs/police jobs etc require details of siblings. I've had to do it and so has one of my kids. Nothing dodgy about it but bloody awkward if you don't know.

Private investigator? Electoral Roll? Any other relatives who might know?

It's annoying but yabu. Once bitten twice shy. People so often moan about family members never getting the message and looks like your fil has taken previous criticism on board 😂😂

As others have said, this is fairly normal vetting for some jobs and there are ways round it. They are mainly looking to make it easier for themselves to do background checks. Providing last know address to complete the form then contacting the relevant recruitment person to explain / offer to provide covering notes should be fine. There are loads of people out there with no contact with family members.

I also had a very detailed level of security clearance for my govt job so I understand the need for it - I had to give details as far ranging as cousins and ex boyfriends (awkward!)
I sympathise with FIL. He did this before and was told (by you) that it was the wrong thing to do so he's not going to make that mistake again.
I would put on the form "estranged, whereabouts unknown" or otherwise put the last known address. Or if he's not ex-directory you'll be able to look him up on 192.com

And congrats on the baby ❤️

What are you craving and why can't you have it

I feel like I missed out on moaning at him last time, never consequences for his shitty choices - grrr

Why are you filling in this form for your husband? If he can’t manage the firm can he manage the job?

this happens - families are complex. Your husband won’t be the first person not to have this information.

he just needs to use his initiative, contact the team and have a conversation.

I appreciate some more junior positions require this level of clearance - but he does need to get his head back In the game.

Can he not just say he has no siblings? How can they verify that?

I don’t think you can have a go at FIL for giving out your address and then ask him for the same. You’ve put him in a horrible position

No one told him it was wrong, wish I had now, and got my rage out at the time

A sausage sandwich, we are all out of sausage, I ran through my weeks supply in 3 days. Tesco is out of the ones I like so it's full on code red.

When did I say I was filling it in for him?

The same people? Do you know everyone or is this just your own experience?

OP the FIL sounds useless, however, this is your and your DH problem. If they are estranged then they are estranged so give last known details. My sibling lives the other side of the world, I've no idea their details bur certainly wouldn't be blaming someone's job offer on the fact someone wouldn't share thar information. They are entitled to their own privacy as where you.

PS - send DH for the sausages!

Quite easily, they're interviewing one of my parents, checking our internet provider, they will know

As made clear in my original post, I never had a go at him, he has no idea we are pissed about it. Wish I had flipped now

were not where!

The records of births, deaths and marriages would pretty quickly determine that, and may well cost him the job. Don't lie on security clearance (especially when the truth is just as good an explanation)!

Yup DS has had this many times for advanced vetting. But you should also be aware they pick some of the siblings or friends to be face to face interviewed randomly. His most dozy friend was interviewed last time and also DH.

As others have stated, you can put estranged or unknown. You don’t need to have a free text box to just type UNKNOWN for an address. I completed my SC vetting this way.

I used to do a job that meant for security checks you had to give all family member details and occupations but they can’t hold it against you if you don’t know where they are, they just have to accept the information you give them ie name, date of birth and perhaps area they are living in.

He was made redundant 6 months ago and struggling to get a job, he's probably been successful at interview and needs the vetting to start work. Paying his bills and having money to buy sausages has probably made him think it is worth taking the job.

Sorry - I made a leap from the language - you said we have asked Fil

then you asked your husband to contact the lady. Then you are going through the form.

i guess I am just surprised that this needs to be such a team effort and your husband needs to you to tell him how to approach this, and who to talk to.

it would make me wonder how he will cope with the actual job.

No this is not true. They don't have to accept what you say. If you can't provide the details needed and can't prove how squeaky clean you and your entire family and friendship group are you won't pass the vetting and won't get the job.