To say you take both or you don't get DD

[jamoncrumpets]

I have two children, DS is nearly eight, autistic and has additional needs. DD is four and neurotypical.

Neither side of the family has ever offered us practical support or help with DS, never offered to babysit or take him out. The only help I received with him was a few hours while I had planned c section for DD and then my husband had to go home by teatime to put him to bed.

DD is growing and developing at the same rate as her peers, she's a very funny and outgoing little girl who makes us all laugh. We put a lot of effort into giving her our attention and support so that she doesn't feel resentful of time that we have to give to her brother, who she loves.

She is getting to the age now where both sets of grandparents are talking about having her go to their houses to stay, or taking her on holiday. But when they talk about this they only ever mention her. Never my son.

My heart says you don't get to pick and choose which of my kids you give this attention to. But I don't want to deny DD happy memories. AIBU?

It's not "ableism", its realism,

Your DS has a severe mental disability that means his little sister is in effect his big sister and has to care for him. She deserves to have some respite to have some time to be a kid. And when grandparents suggest just that, you accuse them of favourite-ism.

Have you discussed this with your parents OP?

OP You do sound very angry with both sets of grandparents and I suspect you intepret their offers as them saying they love your DD more than DS. And I can see that would hurt a lot. Whereas as other psoters have tried to point out, it's probably a lot more complex than that, including them feeling unable to cope.

And even if you are right and they do feel less of a bond to him then DD, your questions was, is it fair if you deny her those opportunities? And that's doubly hard to answer if in your heart you feel you are doing it more about the point of principle that makes you so angry (that they SHOULD love them equally/want to spend time with both) and that you want to punish them for not doing so. On balance, I'd let you DD go and continue to encourage GP's to build a relationship with hom, even if it makes you angry and upset that you have to do that and they aren't doing it without being pushed.

I do see this in my own family; great niece (13) is ASD and one set of grandparents won't now spend time with her alone but will do a lot more with her 3 siblings (day trips. sports, babysitting). I think they are scared of getting it wrong as it doesn't take much to upset her and then it can result in fairly big tantrums. Her parents have accepted this as GP's do play and interact with her when a parent is present to keep an eye on it and step in when needed. Like you son she's not overly difficult if left to her own devices, is verbal and intelligent but very very anxious, rigid about food and almost agoraphobic so will usually not go out with GP's anyway so they are stuck at home .

Personally my view is you have years ahead of supporting your DS in his interactons with the world at large and upsetting grandparents and possibly ending up in family arguments over this isse with DD is energy better saved for that bigger battle.

It may work better to stop stressing about fairness, a rather nebulous and unachievable state.
And focus instead on what would be best for each individual child.
It is well recognized that individual time is important for dc in a young carers situation (your dc would be identified as heading into that as pp says) So individual time with GPs would seem to be a positive for her.

For your ds going from nothing to that would seem a big leap and quite possibly one he would not enjoy. But inviting family members for afternoon outs doing activities he enjoys and helping starting to build bonds would seem to be sensible.

We have a NT dc and a ND dc keeping the balance as they age is really hard at times and cutting off support for either would have been shortsighted. I am ND and have different needs to some of my NT siblings and that is ok as well.
Hopefully your family can be encouraged to support both dc but it doesn't need to be in the same way.

It's the gulf in approach that's the problem. The lack of any effort with one grandchild while wanting to take the other on holiday with them. And not acknowledging that they are doing it, although that wouldn't make it ok, but it would be a start.
Sadly your daughter will likely have lots of opportunities over the years that her brother won't and I understand why condoning his own grandparents excluding him feels wrong and I think I would feel as you do.

If they can't manage both together they should make the effort to do something with them separately.

You let ds go.
He needs space away doing typical things
You fight to get respite for dd with SEN
You will need it
She has differing specialist neefs
They dont have the same needs
Some people will only manage the NT child
It s harsh but true
You cannot force them and could be bad for dd

Many grandparents don't do the hard work bits with any of their grandchildren. They do the easy bribe-'em-with-sugar-and-give-'em-what-they-want bits and get the smiles and puppy love, then hand them back to their parents when it gets difficult. Many grandparents are over the difficult bits of parenting and have no wish at all to go back to them.

So if there is no "easy" with DS then there probably isn't the same sort of grandparenting to be done. While the impact of that on DS would be ableist, it wouldn't necessarily be because their view of him is that he isn't worth as much as DD. It's that they don't want to work hard with any child.

I think it's pretty awful of them not to offer you some support or show any interest in DS. But I also think you should take up the offer of them having DD if it's going to be fun for her and give you the ability to take it a little easier and/or have some 1:1 time with DS. Parents of kids with special needs don't get enough support so even though it may feel tainted, you should probably use it anyway. It must be hard not to feel resentful towards them, but that's not a reaction that's going to help you make the best life for you, DS or DD.

It’s a difficult one - I understand you wanting them to be treated the same. However I would allow her to go as she will benefit from the one to one with grandparents and it will help you. But I would also feel as you do, I suspect they feel they wouldn’t cope with him?

Sorry wrong way round
Let dc nt go if she wants to and will enjoy
She needs space away
Seek respite opportunities for ds with asd

The fact they’ve said they now get to do ‘normal’ things would be it for me. They’d not see either of my kids again. They sound utterly shit.

Op I recall your others threads

tou are a full time carer for your DS
and, for example, you have a system of locks on all cupboards etc in your kitchen otherwise he will access

unless the grandparents are set up like presumably you are - I don’t blame them in the slightest for thinking beyond their capacity to have your DS on his own

Some of the reasons I think you are wrong have been described above. On a similar topic I previously posted our experiences when our two were young, boy and girl 2yr difference. No special needs but strong likes and dislikes.
Both enjoyed staying with both sets of Grand Parents from very young ages. Youngest 18 months. They kept toys and trinkets in their houses and built up their own worlds with the GPs. They were taken to new places places. Some quite mundane, different Supermarket, market on Wednesday, went on local buses, met the neighbours. They had things to tell us about and to gossip to each other about. They enjoyed it and will still remember odd things.

Yeah no, I wouldn't send my child away on a holiday with grandparents who hadn't also invite their sibling. I completely get they might find taking him away too daunting, and they're not obliged to take either of them away. So don't take either, take both or non at all. My kids have never been on holiday alone with their grandparents, and I doubt they ever will. I suspect lots of kids have never been taken on holiday by their grandparents, so your DD is hardly missing out on an important bonding experience if she doesn't go. You could suggest you all go on holiday together, or not, depending on how much you like spending time with these people. But the fact they thought it appropriate to only invite the NT sibling doesn't paint them in a very good light, they sound insensitive to say the least. I'd say no and I wouldn't pull any punches when explaining why.

If they offered to take your DS on holiday, would you post here asking if it was fair on your DD?

"A new situation"

It would only be new once.

This seems like a giant get out from not even trying to engage with your SN child.

They may never be able to go on holiday or a day trip together - but an afternoon in their garden or going somewhere familiar to that child would be a decent compromise.

Sympathies Op - we have experienced similar.

Sorry I wasn't assuming you didn't have 1 to 1, just that people going on about how lovely for DD to have 1 to 1 with GPs and that giving you 1 to 1 with son is just as valid the other way round.

I think the other thing people are missing is that this seems to have been from day 1 with your son and I assume that if they had made more of an effort to bond with him when he was very young then being with him now would just seem much more natural. Maybe they would have always favoured a girl regardless of other issues.

I think you are very hurt and I can understand that, one of mine had health issues when young, not the same as your sons, but it actually made my mother much more protective of him and they had such a close relationship and it seems sad that your son's GPs aren't more like that. Sometimes people are a letdown.

You are unreasonable to post in AIBU and only want people to agree with you!

my tuppence worth - we have regular cottage hols with friends - so lots of children. We usually invite my niece to join us for part and it’s always super exhausting. She’s very high maintenance. We haven’t been made aware of a diagnosis so I don’t know what’s at the heart of her ways. Her behaviour and needs change the dynamic always and make the holiday less of a holiday for me and my partner. We love her but it’s tough. I do think the grandparents should find a way to spend time with your son, given how you’ve described his needs.

The op is her son’s full time carer

he requires locks on all kitchen cupboards

i really doubt the grandparents would be able to have him alone or why the op would want to risk it

Well, I'm with you OP, and I'm sorry that you're dealing with this all.

Just talking to the Op, exploring what little time/care they might be able to offer would probably go along way. Reading a book, listening to music, watching a favourite programme.

I suspect the Op is pretty lonely and in need of support. Not grandparents simply focusing on the easier member of the family.

I was the daughter too.

Only my family didn’t cherrypick they NT grandchildren to spend time with, they saw all of us. Every time. We were all included.

In fact, we were treated so fairly, despite my sibling’s fairly extensive difficulties, that I was a teenager before I even properly realised she had a disability. Obviously I knew she needed a wheelchair etc, but it had never really occurred to me she was disabled. It was a really strange moment. To me she was just my sister.

That is why fairness is so important. I never needed a break from my sister, she was just my sister.

I'd be saying that it's really lovely of them to want to give DD some time with them but that you'd like some balance, a chance for DD to be with you alone as parents, for DS to enjoy them too. That such things will have to start off small, a trip to the park or sensory play for eg.

So the daughter gets punished for the grandparents not being equipped to deal with her brother?

I wouldn't let her go, because their behaviour smacks of only liking 'perfect'/'normal' people. How are they going to react if your daughter doesn't like the things they think are 'normal' or if she acts up or misbehaves?