To say you take both or you don't get DD

[jamoncrumpets]

I have two children, DS is nearly eight, autistic and has additional needs. DD is four and neurotypical.

Neither side of the family has ever offered us practical support or help with DS, never offered to babysit or take him out. The only help I received with him was a few hours while I had planned c section for DD and then my husband had to go home by teatime to put him to bed.

DD is growing and developing at the same rate as her peers, she's a very funny and outgoing little girl who makes us all laugh. We put a lot of effort into giving her our attention and support so that she doesn't feel resentful of time that we have to give to her brother, who she loves.

She is getting to the age now where both sets of grandparents are talking about having her go to their houses to stay, or taking her on holiday. But when they talk about this they only ever mention her. Never my son.

My heart says you don't get to pick and choose which of my kids you give this attention to. But I don't want to deny DD happy memories. AIBU?

@Herejustforthisone

a physical disability leaving your sister in a wheelchair is very different for an autistic child with additional needs, who’s mother is his full time carer and the situation is severe enough that a system of locks is required to all accessible cupboards etc in the kitchen

As kindly and gently as possible, you are thinking of this situation in only a highly emotional way and taking any rationale out of it (which I completely understand by the way).

You are assuming that everyone commenting on your post has no experience whatsoever with something like this.

My children have ADHD, my FIL is extremely intolerant and would never cope with my kids (he has proved that many, many times over the years, he's an arse when we are there let alone leaving the kids without my hubby and I) and that wouldn't be good for my kids so they spend no time alone at all with him and very little with my MIL. In his mind my kids are undisciplined brats who probably need a good flogging to straighten them out. In reality I am constantly correcting, parenting and disciplining my kids.

I understand how much non neurotypical kids already miss out on and how much that hurts, how much harder life is for them in general.

Some people need help to understand our kids and some just never will get our kids. If you can take this opportunity to help your kids Grandparents get to know and understand your son, how great would that be, they are probably genuinely scared of how they will cope so go with them but take the back seat sometimes so they can learn.

I really think you should try opening up to them about how much this hurts you to see them want to love your daughter but not your son.

Yes, without a doubt, your son deserves the love and care of his family, without a doubt in my mind, hopefully an honest conversation and some support from you and your husband can help build that relationship.

I've given up on my FIL, I just never turn my back on him and my kids and we invite my MIL to our house separately, it hurts knowing that my kids will never have loving Grandparents the way other kids do but we have tried so hard to change it for years before giving up, he is one who doesn't want to understand.

Don't give up just yet, have that conversation and see what comes of it.

Definitely very unreasonable. Your DS already gets more attention at home. Don't deny her access to the love and attention of grandparents. There will already be events in her life that are shaped by her brother -- friends who won't come to sleepovers at your home because of her brother. Events she can't attend because her brother needs attention, or expensive treatments. Travel that won't happen because brother can't go or won't do well with changes.
At least give her some good memories with her grandparents.

Why would you even bother to post seeking views when you have clearly firmly made up your mind about the whole situation?

They do not share the same value as you. It would be sipping from everywhere. It's time for a check-up and hard talk. To me if they do not do anything with the older sibling it is out of the question that they do anything with the second. If they were spending time with the oldest it would be understandable that they would do something with the smallest. We used to one one at a time on vacation at my grandma, it was super cool. They could not have all of us at the same time. We were all special and we all had our special time. You set the standard, and I understand you 100%, I would not lower it. It would destroy what you are trying to build, accepting is participating.

As the mother of 2 DS's one with ASD and one NT I get this. Posters are saying the GP's might lack experience in handling your DS, well how do they think anyone including parents gain experience. As the parent of a child with ASD you do not get the option to decline to parent one of your children because its more difficult and concentrate on the easier one. Your DS has feelings just like everyone else, it would be so unfair to him if your DD got treats whilst he was ignored. Most people accept that siblings should be treated equally as far as possible by their parents, I think the same applies to GPs.

People saying 'kids with autism would be stressed by that'... erm, I think the OP knows her OWN child and whats best for him fine.

I have an autistic family member that has no issue with or without routines and loves to visit new places, their issue is instead expressed simply as not understanding how to act and communicate in 'appropriate ways' or to read the room/other people social cues.

Theres no saying blanket statement that due to autism it means OPs son would suffer and not enjoy a night at his grandparents.

Thanks for providing your vies @Herejustforthisone - this is the way we want to raise our children too

I’ve worked with many families where one child had ASD which manifest itself in very challenging behaviours. I recall one particular girl who had a sister a couple of years older. This girl required a great deal of support both at home and in school, eventually transferring to a special school. Following one particular incident the parent had to come into the classroom to help deal with her daughter who had completely trashed the room, assaulted 2 members of staff and another child. Her sister had unfortunately witnessed some of this, and also had to stay in the Heads office until her dad could come to collect them all as mum wasn’t able to manage.
the following day, I spoke to the sister about how she felt. She loved her younger sister to nits, but was totally fed up of being the one left to cope. Then she felt bad fo thinking that way.
My point is, often, siblings of children with additional needs bear the brunt of the understandable attention their sibling needs. So for them to have some 1:1 quality time with a relative is invaluable. OP, please give your younger child the opportunity to visit with her grandparents by herself. She has a lifetime of having a sibling that will require lots of attention - it doesn’t mean she won’t love him, but she also needs some valuable ‘me’ time.

Also as an alternative view on the 'why aren't you listening to people like your daughter'

My best friends son is non verbal, doubly incontinent with a habit of stripping off at inopportune moments.

The vast majority of her family will spend time with him. Not necessarily 121, but they will come round and engage with him whilst she does some cleaning, and some of her family have him overnight to give her respite, or they will just spend time with him as part of the family.

Except one relative who wont even be left alone in the room for a minute with him, makes it clear she's uncomfortable around him and makes it clear how much more she likes his 'normal' brothers and sisters.

All of those brothers and sisters are now grown up and wont speak to this relative unless they have to, because they don't like her. They do like their brother.

Your parents don't necessarily have to have your son alone, or on holiday, or overnight. But your daughter will notice that they don't want to interact with him at all. And she is unlikely to like or respect them for that.

There's nothing stopping the grandparents getting to know and understand their SN grandchild a bit better.

That might not lead to trips away. But it could certainly be helpful to the Op to know that they loved and engaged with both of their grandchildren as best they can.

If they haven't made an effort with DS, then no, I wouldn't let DD go.

If they take an interest in DS, find activities they feel comfortable doing with him (with parent present if necessary), but don't feel confident taking him on holiday, then I would let DD go on holiday and accept that they are trying to be caring, involved grandparents according to your children's different needs.

If they can't be bothered to try to find a way of being part of DS's life, value him as he is, and are now grateful to have a 'normal' grandchild, then I wouldn't want them having a close relationship with DD.

Their values would just be so different to mine I wouldn't want to risk them putting DD in the middle if she developed a close relationship with them.

If a grandparent.said that about my autistic child I'd rip their fucking heads off and they'd never see any of my children again.

Mumsnet is so bizaare.

Threads of school trips only for select children get 'Oh those children have SEN, you should be thank your kid is privilaged to be NT they dont deserve treats for that'

Threads like this then get 'oh that poor NT child should get special treatment for having to share focus with a SEN child'

I get you op. My in-laws did this with my youngest dd. She's never been invited to anything. Never had a day trip or an hour alone with them. And she's such a bloody great kid. Her sibling is a bit older than her. In-laws would ask to take older sibling to theatre, seaside etc and she actually asked them why her little sister wasn't coming. They couldn't reply. She told them she wouldn't go as it's not fair. They are still the same now, very close. We make sure dd is treated the same.

I now have an ASD grandson and I'd be livid if he wasn't included in our wider family events, trips etc. he's treated equally but we are ALL making sure we do things he will be happy to get involved in.

People saying why would you punish your daughter by not letting her go absolutely astound me! Not one thought for your son.

As a child growing up with a brother with autism and special needs, I very much valued the time I had away from him. Hard to write this and think about. But I craved the time to do “normal” things and have fun / adventures, which I couldn’t always do with my brother around. Don’t restrict her activities and life for the sake of her brother.

Am shocked by the highly critical comments on here aimed at OP; being ; suggesting that she is denying her grandparents a relationship with her daughter

Conditional love is not love

The grandparents are choosing to devote their love and attention on one child; and not make any effort to have a meaningful relationship with the other. That's not ok. Why would OP want to enable this kind of behaviour? Why would she trust that the grandparents will make good decisions when caring for her daughter on these sleepovers?

The really sad thing in this is that the grandparents are missing out on having a relationship with both of their grandkids. There are plenty of good resources that grandparents can go to to understand more about autism and other neurodiverse needs; if they feel unsure or that they need more advice. There are also message boards where they could talk with other grandparents with neurodiverse grandchildren

OP, I think your instincts on this are right.

Each thread has people on both sides, for myself I am on the 'children with SEN should have additional help' (which some people then call treats unless the additional help is suitably unpleasant and/or boring)

AND saying grandparents should be equally involved and engaged with all their grandchildren, but the activities might be different due to differing needs.

No contradiction that I can see.

I'm in two minds about this. I come at it as the neuro-typical sibling. My grandparents always had both me and DB to stay. It was fine, but I would have loved some one on one time with my grandparents. It is impossible not to give a SEN child more attention regardless of how you want it. I hated growing up with a SEN DB, I hated the adverse attention he got at school, I hated that I was known as "David's* sister" and that kids at school would tell me all the time about things he'd said and done and how hilarious it was. I was so relieved when he went to a different senior school.

But hopefully your DD will be a nicer person than I am and will thrive with it all.

I understand from your point of view that it is very hurtful that your parents don't find it easier to have DS. It must be very upsetting.

So, I have literally nothing useful to add other than your DD may love her DB - I love mine but it doesn't mean that I (or maybe she) loves all the utter crap that comes with it.

*name changed.

DS loves the beach, the park, anywhere with cake! And he loves people to just spend time with him in the garden talking to him as he plays. He's not THAT a difficult to relate to. Yes I have to lock his crisps in a cupboard or he eats them all, but that's because he steals crisps if we leave them out. Hardly the crime of the century.

His sister knows that he is autistic but she also knows that lots of children are autistic too and that we are all people deserving of love and attention. Our neighbours have an autistic child and he comes to play with his neurotypical siblings. Her best friend at her childminder's is neurodiverse, we had no idea, only found out recently because her mum told us at a party. She has so many opportunities to mix with children from all backgrounds, and will soon be attending school so those opportunities will increase.

We have a very extensive library of diverse books such as the Catchpoles' book 'What happened to you?' she is clued up in a way that is appropriate for her age.

She will notice the gulf in her grandparents' interactions with her and her sibling, perhaps not immediately but soon, she is very bright and astute. And she will ask me about it. So I'm trying to figure out how to proceed, for her, in a way that doesn't disadvantage her sibling.

My son has autism adhd and learning difficulties . He’s EXTREMELY hard work . Lashes out hits kicks spits , swears . He is coming up to age 11 so strong . My parents won’t have him in their house which is so upsetting . But I do understand .
however they have been intolerant since he was very young which I’ll never forgive . Don’t get me wrong I’ve moved on and accepted the way things are , but it leaves a sour taste in my mouth . Their other grandchildren , my sons neice and nephews are spoilt and showered with gifts whereas my son is forgotten this seriously pisses me off , as this would be ah easy way to be inclusive .
life is really shit sometimes

OP do the grandparents otherwise treat the children equally? EG - ask about them both, engage with both on visits, same amount of presents at easter/christmas/birthdays?

Get this for an idea. Maybe the grandparents could do "normal" things with her daughter, and then alternate that with spending time doing something her son would enjoy. But no they are doing nothing at all are they. That in my opinion is awful.

My grandson is ASD and I take it in turns with ALL my grandchildren doing things they enjoy. No one's excluded. Equal time spent with all.

Turn it round and it is don't restrict his activities and life for the sake of his sister. Doesn't sound very nice does it.

@jamoncrumpets i hear you.

neuridiversity even aside, grandparents who do for one and not the other rankle - the many threads on here about in laws and grandchildren testify to that!

it’s the injustice, and sadness for your boy who I imagine would have loved time with grandparents, if they could have just put a bit of effort in to making sure his needs were met

not of course that grandparents HAVE to do these things but then to swoop in and have grand plans for “normal things” yeah, it sticks in the throat