To say you take both or you don't get DD

[jamoncrumpets]

I have two children, DS is nearly eight, autistic and has additional needs. DD is four and neurotypical.

Neither side of the family has ever offered us practical support or help with DS, never offered to babysit or take him out. The only help I received with him was a few hours while I had planned c section for DD and then my husband had to go home by teatime to put him to bed.

DD is growing and developing at the same rate as her peers, she's a very funny and outgoing little girl who makes us all laugh. We put a lot of effort into giving her our attention and support so that she doesn't feel resentful of time that we have to give to her brother, who she loves.

She is getting to the age now where both sets of grandparents are talking about having her go to their houses to stay, or taking her on holiday. But when they talk about this they only ever mention her. Never my son.

My heart says you don't get to pick and choose which of my kids you give this attention to. But I don't want to deny DD happy memories. AIBU?

You're being very defensive when people are trying to help. One minute he has a lot of needs next he doesn't?....he must be a lot of hard work if you've done had to put in extra work so your daughter doesn't feel left out.
Maybe your daughter could do with a break it's hard for siblings when one has additional needs trust me. And I'd jump at the chance if one of mine could have some respite.
As for snapping and calling people desperate for wanting to understand his needs how can anyone advise without that info?!

I was the sister, to multiple siblings with additional needs inc autism. It just is not as simple as loving them, so you don't need a break.

I love all of my siblings, they were and are amazing, some had very challenging needs and some were "moderate to mild". I love spending time with all of them.
We do have different needs though and as much as my mum limited the effects of that, it still matters.

When you are a child especiially a younger one, who grows up with even a slight awareness that your sibling needs help, or is different, or other children wouldn't know how to play with them properly, or there are going to be situations where they will struggle, you are always aware of that. I was always on alert to make sure my siblimgs were okay, i was monitoring everything for them, I avoided situations I knew would upset them- like not asking to go to the beach when its sunny because I knew there would be too many people there. Or following them aroind at a playground to make sure nobody took the excitable play as agression.

There is just another level of responsibility that kids like your daughter will take on to themselves even if you don't know she is doing it, and you aren't asking her to. I was doing it noticably from about three.

Its not that she needs a break from him, its that it is just nice sometimes to let that hypervigilance go. It is little thing but it was something that looking back on it I really valued and missed when it stopped.

Its not that I didn't love them, just sometimes its really nice to go to the beach when its sunny and not care that its crowded or go by school shoes knowing that nobody is going to cry.

I wouldn’t deny her the opportunity to have a relationship with her grandparents and extended family.

it’s understandable that you’re focused on your son, and while your DD is young she’s not going to care, but that will change as she ages. Some siblings do grow to become resentful of having to miss out because of disabled siblings. Others don’t of course, but your DD very well might, and it’s wise to consider the impact that may have on not only your relationship with her, but her relationship with her brother in years to come. I have a cousin that has almost nothing to do with her mother and autistic sister because she spent her entire childhood playing second fiddle (and was expected to take over care pretty much as soon as she hit 18).

That is absolutely awful op. You’re his mum so if you knew that he couldn’t cope or they couldn’t cope you wouldn’t allow it. He’s obviously ok to have a sleepover and they should be interested enough in finding out how to manage it.

if my kids have an autistic child then I will do my best to help them as I would with a NT child and would not see him as less deserving of my attention and I would want to get to know him as I would any other of my grandkids. Yanbu

This is a really difficult one. I have to consider this issue with my son regularly. He is autistic, my other three are not - although he is high functioning he still has difficult behaviours. My pils frequently take the other three out but not ds. However, if I’m being totally realistic, they’re not as young and fit as they once were and being truly honest ds is a handful. His behaviours need constant managing. And if nothing else he can be very fretful away from me.

I look at it as the other 3 (who are so often overlooked by their sibling’s higher needs no matter how hard you try) getting a bit of respite and a treat and I always try to use that time productively with ds. At the end of the day you can cut your nose off to spite your face (and the child’s) or you can be realistic that not everyone can cope with a child with high needs.

Why on earth would you want to leave your autistic DS with grandparents that don’t have experience or feel they have the capability to proper look after him?

I have two younger half brothers and one of them has severe learning difficulties. I’ve taken the other to the pantomime, out for meals, to the cinema, to the zoo etc. I know it annoyed my dad that I didn’t take my autistic brother along too but I have no idea how to manage him effectively. I wouldn’t want him to be stressed out by the change. I wouldn’t want him to be hurt or to hurt anyone else.
My dad and his wife never take my brothers out anywhere so I’ve never seen how they deal with situations outside of the house.
I always just took the annoyance on the chin and sucked it up so that at least my other brother had experiences which he wasn’t able to have with his parents.
If I didn’t take him to the pantomime, he would never have been etc.

They’re not bull shitting you. They don’t feel they’re up to the job

but you want to force your son on them so that all is equal.

i am sure your daughter has had to face the reality of an autistic brother and the fact that takes up a lot of her parents attention, so you should be so happy your daughter also gets this 1-2-1 time

Do you feel like they don't love or care ds?

Is it only since the possibility of taking dd alone came up that you've felt they don't make enough effort?

If they spend time engaging with ds when they see him and are interested in his life then i wouldn't be upset if they felt unable to take him alone. If they don't care as much about him generally i would be very upset.

DD and I do have lots of 1-1 time, which we both love and appreciate. And it goes vice verse for her brother too. But I put equal amounts of effort into their care, his because his disabilities necessitate it, and her because she has a disabled sibling. They're both on my mind equally all the time, and I work very very hard to ensure everybody is happy and their needs met.

I just feel disappointed that others opt out of considering my DS because it's more challenging. The reward is his happiness and his affection, which are priceless.

I am one of three siblings and I am the only NT one. I had to sacrifice a lot growing up because it wasn’t fair on my other siblings. I’m really glad my parents fostered a relationship between myself and my grandparents.

I never got to say what about me because my other two siblings had additional needs so I just looked selfish. I’m really glad this was one thing I was allowed to have. I was still happy at home but I sacrificed a whole lot just so my parents didn’t feel guilty.

Can I ask why they’ve never looked after your DS… I mean, I’m assuming the simple answer is because they never offered, but I mean, how has the last 8 years played out that they’ve not been more involved grandparents?

I’m incredibly sad for you that you’ve ended up in a place where you ‘wouldn’t expect help’ from them with DS and completely understand your anger at them wanting to see DD without DS.

I think I understand the PPs who are ‘siding’ with the GPs but they are failing to appreciate the fuller background of 8 years without support. Are YBU for being angry? Absolutely not - Are YBU not wanting to let them take out DD? Possibly… I think you need to take some time to think about what is best all round, away from the emotion of the implied rejection of DS

I don't. I'm saying why should I leave my DD with people like that?

'If GPs can't cope with 2 nothing wrong with alternating if the OP is happy with that'

Exactly. If they can't manage both then alternate but to give one dc a trip or a sleepover and not the other is just heartbreaking. Are they stupid, have they no idea of the negative impact this will have on the whole family?

He can get very anxious and upset in new or busy situations

would this be precisely that. A new situation

I'm not focused on my son. I'm focused on both of my children equally.

But that's one of the points of the thread that you mention in your OP?

I don't want to deny DD happy memories

You seem with your snippy responses that you've made your mind up though?

I wouldn't be forcing someone to look after my child if they didn't want to. I think it would be horrible to have to spend the day with someone that didn't like me and didn't want me around. I wouldn't want to leave my child in the care of anyone who isn't confident in their abilities to look after them either. So, I think your ultimatum is unreasonable for your son's sake. Stopping your DD from going is neither here nor there imo, if she doesn't know about it yet then no harm will come of it.

one of my friend’s son is severely autistic. He needs 24/7 care. Non verbal. Hardly sleeps. Destructive. My friend’s mum is around a lot helping but usually with my friend too.

im sure op knows her child and there is a sliding scale of autism from my boyfriend who you can hardly tell and fully independent to the other end of the scale

He's not violent nor does he run away.

My parents are brilliant with my autistic child. They've asked questions, they've learned and he spends time with them happily on his own.

It's not as easy. But you have to want to try. It doesn't sound like the OP's parents want to.

And i do really understand that the grandparents should be taking him out and they should care about him, especially enough to learn how to do it properly. And i would be heartbroken if my family didnt care about my siblings because they had so many extra needs.
It is not fair and it is unkind.

But that doesnt stop it being important for your daughter. It only happened a few times for me but my siblings knew I was going somewhere they would hate like the beach or the shops. And my older sibling knew that they got more time with mum so I got more time with grandma.
Luckily for my family, when we were all together, the extended family paid a lot of attention to my siblings- they knew they were loved too, just like they knew that they didnt want to go to the beach.

But surely the best thing there is for you and your husband to talk to the grandparents to facilitate things?

have you actually sat down with them and spoken to them about how their help would be useful? How you want to facilitate their relationship because you know it’s harder because of his additional needs.

DS has a whole host of additional needs and I fully appreciate that i have to help facilitate relationships and give people the skills and confidence needed to look after him for them to be able to. Burying my head in the sand about the difficulties in looking after him wouldn’t help anyone.

how old are the grandparents?

and…. Why are you angry? Is it because you think their motivations are dark ie they don’t want to be judged by other people if our abs about with your son?

because with 2 sets of otherwise loving grandparents I would presume that they simply do not think they are capable

hands up - I wouldn’t be.

Is it that they are being naive maybe and have Google searched what neuro diverse means and therfore have warped expectations of what your son would like? Have you ever done day trips together so they can see what strategies or additional requirements (if any) are needed? Have you tried coaching them on how to be a grandparent to him and built their confidence? It must be really tough not seeing your children treated equally and it should be human nature to be kind and considerate and understanding to all humans but it isn't and quite often people need to be shown

Can you suggest all going away together? Explain to them how left out ds will feel if only DD gets to go. Ask them why they’re worried about taking DS. If it’s just that they perceive him as being harder going then could they not just take them for a shorter time, on a really straightforward trip - so they can get the food in advance with familiar brands (if that’s an issue), take familiar activities, have plenty of private “chill” time built in, whatever DS needs.