To say you take both or you don't get DD

[jamoncrumpets]

I have two children, DS is nearly eight, autistic and has additional needs. DD is four and neurotypical.

Neither side of the family has ever offered us practical support or help with DS, never offered to babysit or take him out. The only help I received with him was a few hours while I had planned c section for DD and then my husband had to go home by teatime to put him to bed.

DD is growing and developing at the same rate as her peers, she's a very funny and outgoing little girl who makes us all laugh. We put a lot of effort into giving her our attention and support so that she doesn't feel resentful of time that we have to give to her brother, who she loves.

She is getting to the age now where both sets of grandparents are talking about having her go to their houses to stay, or taking her on holiday. But when they talk about this they only ever mention her. Never my son.

My heart says you don't get to pick and choose which of my kids you give this attention to. But I don't want to deny DD happy memories. AIBU?

Of course your DD loves her bother.

However it doesn’t mean they need to spend every minute of every holidays together.

Nobody is saying that she doesn’t love him. I have an autistic brother with special needs but he is younger than me. I love him very much but growing up was really fucking hard. You won’t specify what his additional needs are so nobody knows how hard they are on your DD but don’t think that they don’t impact her, because they do.

I don’t know what I’d have done if I hadn’t been able to escape to my grandparents house for a break. FWIW, I moved in with them full time when I was 15. Not because I didn’t love my brother, not because I’m ableist, because it was hard for me to be at home.

Nobody here has even considered my son's feelings for a single second, as if he is a pet or a cyborg.

I'm the daughter in this scenario and fortunately my parents let me go. My brother is fabulous but he is different. He doesn't get the same as me neither do I get the same as him. Equality doesn't mean equal.

I have 6dc. 3 are Autistic.

I have never expected anyone, including family to want to spend time with my dc.

My family have never stepped in, even when exdp left or recently, when I had surgery.

I get where your coming from.
But its not your dd fault, seems very unfair for her to miss out.

I know my family can't cope with my dc and I have to accept that.

YANBU it smacks of "Ah finally! A grandchild we actually WANT to spend time with!"
Maybe not both at the same time. But both in equal amounts. I think id reply "DD has a playdate but DS can come this time and DD can go next time." Make them say "No we don't want him." And say "Ah right, OK. Sorry. We don't think it's fair for DD to get special treats and holidays without DS getting a fair amount." Job done. Conversation had. Boundaries set.

So is it hard, or is it not hard? If it’s hard, wouldn’t it also perhaps be daunting for the grandparents? Or maybe they might be arseholes, in which case why do you want either of your children to spend time with them? You’re proposing using access to your DD as some kind of lever or ultimatum.

The ableism in this thread is mind blowing!

Your son is going to be treated differently by people. He is going to be excluded. It is wrong and it's not fair. But it is you who is chosing that for your daughter. It is your son you need to fight for. Let your daughter live her life her life to the fullest. It isn't her fault she was born NT.

I find it odd that neither sets of grandparents has had either children. It doesn't sound as though they very active and involved grandparents, which is fine as not everybody is up to being hands on. I think if I was in your situation, I don't think I would feel conformable leaving my son. I have a cousin and two friends on ASD spectrum. The grandparents have the children overnight etc. However, this started when they were babies, therefore they are attuned to the child needs and know my to manage them. I think 8 years old is a bit late to be learning about the child needs.

I think you should have a discussion with them and then take it from. It worth noting that not everybody is up for/able to care for children with special needs including some parents This is probably hurtful particularly when it is close family, however, it not in your child's best interest to be left with someone unless they in capable hands.

In terms of your daughter, I think it would be sad to deprive her from time with her grandparents, because they cannot manage your son needs, however, it if a case of favouritism, then I would be inclined to agree, they do not get to choose favourites.

They've actually said the first line in your reply. They're relieved they get to do NORMAL things now.

And you aren't listening to those people who were your daughter.

But that’s just it, OP, his parents can’t and won’t. It’s often too much to ask family members to have the same commitment.

The OP has said what her son's needs are @TheNeverEndingSt0ry. You can filter just to read her posts.

And I agree with you @jamoncrumpets - not a single person on this thread has considered your son's feelings.

Well no because you’re his parents. However, others don’t owe you or your child anything! Not sure why you think they do?

What things is your son able to do?

from this quote, his needs are quite high if they’ve never done activities with him before?

them saying that with “norma” is awful, though I agree.

Android users don't have this option.

OP, you're being very defensive and hostile, and it's not that i don't understand why.. i too have an disabled DS with a younger NT daughter.

I can see both PoV here, so please take what i'm about to say on board.. i'm speaking from being about 8 years further down the line from where you are.

Your parents/in laws are going to struggle to have DS on their own unless you faciliate more contact with you present, they're probably daunted, worried the won't cope and not sure how to approach.. unless they're awful people, they probably feel they're doing the right thing letting him stay in an environment (with you) that helps him cope/feel safe.

The only reason i can leave my DS with my mom, or my brother and his wife is because i have spent MANY hour with them with him, shown them how i operate, seen how they interact with him, helped make them just as capable of coping with him on a bad day purely through regular assisted contact.

ON the other side of it i have DD who spends a lot of her time now she's a bit older having to help me out with DS, making his lunch while i'm handling other things, helping keep an eye on him when we go out together.. she's a star, but she is also a child, and because of the military operation it is to go ANYWHERE with DS, she misses out on a lot of stuff because we can't go as a family.. i actively encourage my family to take her out because DS doesn't want to go out, or can't go out.

NO, we shouldnt be in this situation where they're 'favouring' one sibling over the other, but the only way you're ever going to get around that is by putting the work in with them, together, to help make their homes/company as safe and as comfortable as yours, and provide them with the knowledge and confidence to cope with your DS in his bad moments.

'However it doesn’t mean they need to spend every minute of every holidays together.'

Not but it is very common for kids to spend time with their dgps together.

I would struggle to take both my autistic nephew and his sister together, I see how my sister struggles to give her daughter the attention she deserves and I can foresee resentment in the future when she sees her brother needs always coming first.

Try to see it that she may enjoy some time on her own with her grandparents, maybe raise it that you would appreciate help with them in others ways regarding your son.

An hour or two looking after them both in your home may feel less daunting and make them more comfortable with having him for longer.

Having just returned from taking my two grandchildren on holiday on my own - one is 13 and ASD and LD and the other is 7 and NT i can honestly say that having them together changes the dynamic on the holiday. I also take them on holiday separately for this very reason.

The older one needs shorter days out with plenty of time to decompress and the younger one needs time to spend with other children playing. As i type this my Grandson is lying on my bed decompressing from a major meltdown whilst my daughter takes my Granddaughter swimming because he would not cope with it today and without my presence the swimming trip could not happen for either of them.

I am expert at managing this variation because we all live in the same house - i am as experienced at managing the competing needs as my daughter and son in law are.

How much time have the Grandparents spent with your children, how often do they get to see them, how often have they been on holiday or on days out with them and you? When you say they could figure out fun things to do with him ......do they know him well enough to be able to do that? To me this is far more important than the level of needs of either child. How much of an understanding do the Grandparents have? They probably know what a neurotypical 4 year old wants but an ASD 8 year old? As a Grandparent i adore my Grandson but i know without my in-depth knowledge of the management techniques i need i would not take him away on my own - but i would take my Granddaughter.

The fact that both sets of Grandparents are behaving this way suggests there is a reason as its unlikely all of them would be taking this same approach without something being behind it.

I have filtered through her posts and she has been very vague. Getting very anxious and upset could mean anything stemming from crying, panic attacks to complete unconsolable meltdowns.

How do you think she should explain their grandparents favouritism to her son?

I have. I think OP should enable a relationship between her children (both of them) and their grandparents. Addressing the obstacles without just getting immediately offended that they won't have both for a 2 week stint without any experience. That's sad for both children.

I know people keep saying it would give OPs DD some 1 to 1 with GPs and OP could then have 1 to 1 with DS. It would work the other way as well, maybe nice for the OP to have some 1 to 1 with her daughter. If GPs can't cope with 2 nothing wrong with alternating if the OP is happy with that.

OP he sounds a lovely little boy and your daughter sound like she is a lovely caring sister. Whatever else you all have each other and that is the most important thing. The GPs are the ones missing out.