To say you take both or you don't get DD

[jamoncrumpets]

I have two children, DS is nearly eight, autistic and has additional needs. DD is four and neurotypical.

Neither side of the family has ever offered us practical support or help with DS, never offered to babysit or take him out. The only help I received with him was a few hours while I had planned c section for DD and then my husband had to go home by teatime to put him to bed.

DD is growing and developing at the same rate as her peers, she's a very funny and outgoing little girl who makes us all laugh. We put a lot of effort into giving her our attention and support so that she doesn't feel resentful of time that we have to give to her brother, who she loves.

She is getting to the age now where both sets of grandparents are talking about having her go to their houses to stay, or taking her on holiday. But when they talk about this they only ever mention her. Never my son.

My heart says you don't get to pick and choose which of my kids you give this attention to. But I don't want to deny DD happy memories. AIBU?

Also he's bloody 8 years old. How fucking DARE they make no effort in 8 years to foster a relationship or get to know him. They don't deserve to have fun with your daughter just because she's easy and funny and 'appealing' to their limited sense of socially acceptable, when they have made 0 effort in 8 years to find what your DS enjoys and have fun times with him too.

I bet there is plenty they could have forged a connection with him about. Lazy, ablest and now opportunistic with your 'normal' child. It's disgusting.

It is the place of reasonable adults to make all children feel loved equally.

If the behaviour of other adults is not in line with yours and your partner's beliefs, especially regarding equality and fairness, then neither child should spend time around these other adults.

Their role as adults are to be role models and if they can only role model favouritism then that is not behaviour that I suspect you want either of your children to pick up on.

Autism or not.

So yes, if they can't take both, or care about both, or show an interest in both, then they get neither.

It strikes me that all the "what about the NT sibling" responders haven't addressed the possibility that OP might be willing to let her DD do things with her grandparents alone as long as the overall burden were fairer. There's accusations of autistic people projecting, but I think these siblings are as well. The GPs never offer to do anything with her DS and that's the kicker for me. It's not "DS wouldn't enjoy a caravan holiday but we'll do a different activity with him". I would find it absolutely fair if my DC's grandparents did something like that.

I’m a mam to 3 DD’s NT,
within our family each of my girls has a closer relationship with separate family members, GP, aunt, uncle members personality’s match more and enjoyment of each other’s company more and enjoy the same things, often each do things solely with different family members but all are loved by all family members for who they are.
I love and bother with all my nieces and nephews but I have one nephew who no matter the time or effort I make we just don’t have a connection other than our love for one another and you feel the strain radiating from him when we are interacting the only thing I have found works for him when it comes to our relationship is nerf wars but the second that’s over it’s back the same.
my youngest DD has a different father than my older two, they visit their auntie for a few hours every week, my youngest DD asks can she go sometimes and she doesn’t get to go but I word it as me and her time and doing something fun which she soon feels fine about now going.
My youngest DD goes over her friends houses loads whilst my middle DD’s friends parents hardly ever invite her to theirs despite me inviting her friends over every week she often asks can she go or can she go to her friends house I again use the me and her time.
If I have planned something to do or go and one of my DD’s are bard, my other two often are told we are not doing it now or can’t go because their sister is not well.
My DD’s all have different activities and needs and I have to work out ways to fit it all in but no matter how I try I often have to prioritise which activity or need comes first at that time.
I have 3 siblings one who is amazing with my DD’s, but one who loves spending time with her over all outer family members, one who doesn’t have children of his own and struggles to care for children but gets on very well my eldest DD my other sibling obviously has her favourite of my DD, this is the only thing I dislike that I have mentioned I don’t like it but hey she’s a crap aunt to them all and they learnt it themselves.
Isn’t not always being invited part of life. Isn't not always being able to go because of other things with other family members or situations. Isn’t having one to one with each family member and time together as a whole big family the healthiest, isn’t it that we all have different connections with different family members, I could go on, but I don’t think your issue here has anything to do with weather they take your DD away by herself and not her brother.
I think your issue here is solely about GP and DS relationship either about lack of effort made with your son from grandparents or the fact they make it obvious they have favourites maybe both, because if they were no favourites and they made the effort with their relationship with DS as GP I don’t think them offering to take DD away would upset you like this.
if this is the case as GP their relationship with DS needs discussing.

To be fair I think the problem is that the op hasn’t been clear in her opening post. She implies that her son is high functioning and the main issue she brings up is that they haven’t had practical support like ‘babysitting or taking him out.’ It then transpires that the child has relatively complex and difficult needs and is adverse to change and prefers to be with his mum, to the point of climbing baby gates and jumping on the beds without having cleaned himself after the toilet/unable to sit and eat a meal. If op had been clearer in her opening post that they spend no time with her child and have made horrible comments (which she only revealed after many posters disagreed with her) then she would have got a different response. But her op was about babysitting and taking him out ie sole care of this child, which it’s reasonable that grandparents couldn’t provide.

OP you've built up a lot of resentment and its not unfounded. These situations though call for equity not equality. Only you can decide if you want your children around their grandparents. If yes, then I think you need to foster common ground. What can they do to take time with your son and daughter in the ways that will benefit their relationship the most? Maybe that will look different for each child.

I have a severely disabled child and a neurotypical child. They get seperate time with family members, they both need that. It isnt the ideal to do so much separately but it is realistic and what works best. We do some things all together when the situation allows.

My disabled child is all that list of extreme behaviours and more. He is deserving of time, love and attention. He gets that and more from his extended family.

I'm sorry op that this hasn't been your experience. The moments my child has been excluded or thought less of have been rage inducing and heart breaking in equal measure. To have that come from family, well its even worse.

However you know the difficulties, what can they handle? What can your son handle?

My disabled son adores his grandfathers. My father is too ill to care for him on his own now but he always visits my son and brings his favourite drink. We don't buy this for him any other time. He knows it's a treat from his grandpa. Thats their relationship now and it works, there is still mutual love and care. My fil is able to be more hands on and he is, he can mind him for up to 2 hours but that's all.

My worry for your situation is that the battle lines are already drawn. They've made hurtful comments and that is hard to come back from. However if you are continuing the relationship then your DD needs to benefit from that too and you can work on their relationship with DS. I think you are rightfully angry with them. I would be appalled in your situation at the lack of care after 8 years and it would be hard to come back from.

I believe you can though, maybe they just need guidance and opportunity. If you give them a chance and they let him down then you don't need to worry about letting either of your children spend time with people who treat family in that manner. If they step up then everyone will benefit.

It lies with you OP as frustrating as it is. To answer your original question I don't think you can have one child without the other but I do think that inevitably the relationships will look different at least for now.

OP, I'm not sure what you really want from the thread. Of course the grandparents' behaviour isn't fair on your son, of course it shouldn't be this way, of course he is derserving. I don't see anyone saying any different. It's not fair, you are correct - but I'm not sure any of us can really help you with it.

Have you actually sat down and discussed this with the grandparents? Not ranted at them but explained how and why you feel it's unfair and ask if, with your support, they would be prepared to make an effort?

Of course they should watch both! My son has additional needs and my parents take both. Sometimes they take one so they can have individual attention but usually always both. No it's not fair and yes they could figure out a way to be with him, you do every single day. From the sounds of it he sounds lovely anyway and they're missing out. I would just be serious with them and tell them that they need to put effort into both or stop asking.

It sounds like a shit situation.

Are you able to talk openly with the grandparents as you have on this thread? Tell them how you feel about treating DS & DD so differently?

It sounds like you hold a lot of resentment over their lack of involvement with your DS and inadvertently you may be taking it out on your daughter.

I am guessing they may be shit scared of being in charge of your DS, they might feel they don't have the skills to look after him, particularly if they are getting old. I know I would feel anxious about looking after an additional needs child

Sounds like they need educating but that you will need to bring them on this journey in baby steps.

Please don't deny them access to your DD

@jamoncrumpets go with your gut. It's there for a reason.

Have you asked them why this is?
Sorry but if they can not cope with ds due to needs that is thier boundaries.
But then they don't get to treat dd different.

How would you feel if this was the case and ds didn't have needs?

Just my opinion coming from someone who has a 20 year old son with SEN.

My family treat him no different and don't exclude him. He is part of the family.

I get you I understand why you are feeling like you do. All this don't deny dd this views.
What to teach her more sigregation of her brother?

Hope I am wrong but that's what that is.

Another oh he has needs so let's not take him on holiday or day trips stuff.

He is a child with feelings also... Will notice will feel it just maybe not express it.

Take care xx

All or nothing. I have two DDs and youngest is autistic (I think DS is too) but my parents have always had both to stay. MIL wanted just DD1 to stay round and the answer is always no. Both or neither.
DS is too young to sleep over without us so that's not an issue and tbh I think both sets of grandparents would struggle with a toddler.
My MIL gets annoyed that I say no but she shows favouritism to another grandchild which is bad enough. I'm certainly not going to let her cause resentment between my children.

Yanbu op. Please ignore the ableist replies and follow your gut.

I think this is about being fair to both children. Do they both want to stay over with grand parents?
Being fair doesn't mean treating them the same. I resent some of the things I had to do because my older brother had done them. At 17 I had no interest in learning to drive, but I got driving lessons for my birthday because my brother had.

I think you need to talk to both sets of grandparents and ask them why they have never asked for your son to stay over or visit?

If they don't want him then could you arrange something special for him if/when your DD goes to stay?

That is assuming he doesn't want to go or isn't bothered. If he does, then it is a totally different situation.

I know what the GP are doing is hurtful to you, but it might not be to your children.

I think talk to grandparents and find out where the issue lies, if it’s favouritism then definitely no to having your DD, it’s not fair on your DS and will only prove as close example of inequality. It may be they are just not confident having him in which case you could work out a plan for them to gradually spend more 1:1 time with him with your guidance until they are more confident.

On the other note ignore everyone commenting negatively regarding DD, in my opinion she’ll grow up a lovely well rounded individual who will be more compassionate about the world and the different people in it!

Regardless of how autistic your DS is or not he deserves the exact same treatment as anybody else

He's a human being with feelings @Kanaloa, not a dangerous dog.

I have read that posters response and don't see how this reply fits with that.

The post you challenged was from May which shows that his needs are higher then what you have alluded to here

You also don't answer what you have done in your home with you present to build a bond.
You seem fixated on them taking sole care of him. Which you may need to accept will never happen.

@jamoncrumpets

where has she said anything of the sort??

You’re spiralling. No one has said anything that could be anywhere close to justifying this reply.

Is it though? If you posted the same thing about NT children you’d get plenty of people whose families aren’t interested. It would be so lovely if we all had hands-on relatives willing to take the kids off our hands but for a million reasons many of us don’t. Your case is a bit different as you are talking about family members who do want to be with one of the children but not the other. I agree you should try to get your parents to show interest in your son but you can’t expect them to take him as much or in the same way as your daughter. Or if you do, you need to be ready for them to say thanks but no thanks and not take either of them. If that is what’s necessary to protect your son’s feelings it’s worth it but if he doesn’t really notice or care you would be wasting the opportunity for your DD to do fun things and for you to get some time with just one child. There’s no right or wrong here but be careful in making ultimatums unless you are OK e with it not working out the way you want. You can’t control other people and they often don’t react well when you try.

No one is saying he doesn't. However from your other posts you are underplaying how complex his needs are.

Try to see it objectively as you can OP

if your son has behaviours such as not wiping when he goes to the loo and then making mess - that’s hard for people to deal with. It really is. It will not bother you to the same extent because he is your son, but it’s different for others.

Agreed

Op I can understand your hurt, but you need to look at this objectively.

Your sons needs are high, you claim they are not but from your posts in May this isn't the case. Not wiping and jumping on soft furnishings, not being able to be left near unsecured cupboards and melting down if you're not around aren't easy to manage, especially for older people.

You seem to really be fixating on the 'normal' comments and I think this is down to you being autistic yourself and feeling triggered by this, wondering if that's what they thought about you growing up, that you weren't 'normal'

Regardless of their attitude or comments towards your son, at the end of the day it's unreasonable to hold your DD back from experiences with her grandparents. They feel able to cope with her, she will enjoy the time outside of the immediate family environment.

You also seem to be conflating siblings of ND children needing s break and not loving their siblings. Both can be true, my brother was diagnosed with Asperger's years ago (when that was a separate diagnosis) and was high functioning, no toileting issues or communication issues but it was amazing for me to have breaks growing up. I still love him, but his existence made my childhood very different and not in a good way either. When younger I resented him a lot and needed that time for me, to go to Pizza Hut (he could never go as the smell of melted cheese triggered him) or to go bowling (he could never handle all the noise and taking turns)

I still have a limited diet as an adult due to him, growing up as DM didn't want to have to cook 3 different meals I was only fed things he would eat, which wasn't a wide range and it has led to me having still restricted eating now, as those prime 'trying new foods and textures' phases went past me, who lived on nuggets, chips and bread until secondary when I started cooking for myself.

My parents made a lot of effort to try and limit the impact of his needs on me, it wasn't enough and never would have been. You don't seem able to understand just because you give her 121 attention, at some point that won't be enough. Your needs are clouding your judgement on this and it's very clear from your posts.

You are minimising his needs, you've already made your decision which is the wrong one for your DD.

The GP need to be bonding with both children but doing it together all the time is not fair on either child. On the one hand, it would put your SN son who needs routine in a situation that may overwhelm him, potentially provoking a huge tantrum (not his fault) and forcing the activity to be cut short. Yet accommodating his needs and choosing an activity that he may be comfortable with would limit the scope of your daughter’s experiences (also not fair - how much of your home life is already like this?)
they can see your son at home, bond with him in a safe, calm environment and then take your daughter for some well deserved crazy fun!

But they don't bother with DS at all...