To say you take both or you don't get DD

[jamoncrumpets]

I have two children, DS is nearly eight, autistic and has additional needs. DD is four and neurotypical.

Neither side of the family has ever offered us practical support or help with DS, never offered to babysit or take him out. The only help I received with him was a few hours while I had planned c section for DD and then my husband had to go home by teatime to put him to bed.

DD is growing and developing at the same rate as her peers, she's a very funny and outgoing little girl who makes us all laugh. We put a lot of effort into giving her our attention and support so that she doesn't feel resentful of time that we have to give to her brother, who she loves.

She is getting to the age now where both sets of grandparents are talking about having her go to their houses to stay, or taking her on holiday. But when they talk about this they only ever mention her. Never my son.

My heart says you don't get to pick and choose which of my kids you give this attention to. But I don't want to deny DD happy memories. AIBU?

My brother is autistic and also has a physical disability. We’re very close as adults and we’ve always loved each other and loved spending time together.

Family days out were limited. I’d be happy to start a day at the zoo with my brother. Then he’d decide we could only look at the penguins so I didn’t get to see my favourites.

I’d be excited to go to the beach with him. Then the sand and sea and everything new would be too much and he’d have a meltdown and we’d have to go home after 20 minutes.

Going to these places with my aunt or nan was the only way I got to experience them. Stopping me from going wouldn’t have enabled my brother to enjoy them. It would just mean neither of us enjoy them.

It was just good to be occasionally able to do something that didn’t just revolve around his needs. I still loved the time I had with my brother too

@MiniPiccolo - And this assertion of yours is based on… what exactly?

Oh let me guess… you have met one autistic person who won’t change point of view? therefore all autistic people must be exactly the same.🙄Or you just read somewhere that this is characteristic of autism? So it must be true.

@jamoncrumpets

chill out Op! You’re so antagonistic in your responses.

you can’t make the grandparents want to take your son on hol! You just can’t.

Only you can decide whether you want to let that impact the relationship that your daughter has with them.

Do they spend time with your son with you OP. ? In May you posted about having locks on cupboards, how if anyone other than you did the school run DS will have a meltdown, how he jumps all over the bed having done a poo and not wiped. None of these things mean he is less worthy of love and affection, but it does mean it is going to be difficult for others to take him away. How do they treat your son when you are all together?

At the end of the day you are his mother and no one is going to be invested more in a child other than you. You want them to see him as you do. It may be unfair on their part but I don't think it's all that wrong. They can only do what they are capable of doing. If they are good to your child and offer her respite then it would be very unfair of you to deny her that.

@jamoncrumpets

you yourself have admitted that he is hard work. That’s why she could benefit from a break from him.

I don't think there are many "bottom feeders" on this thread, in fact there are fewer posters just being nasty for the sake of it than usual.
People are sharing from their own perspectives of either being a parent of a child with Autism, or a sibling , or a grandparent or being neurodiverse themselves. They are genuinely trying to think what might be in every individual in your family's best interests.
I have a few grandchildren, some are autistic, some are not and I love them all.
I think it really would be worthwhile talking to the grandparents before saying that either they take both or neither.
How much do they know about autism? Are they willing to learn? Are there 4 grandparents and are they all taking the same attitude?
Autism is diagnosed more than twenty years ago and they might not know much about it.
Can you tell them that while your DD enjoys spending time doing things with them and you are grateful for their help that you have noticed that your son is feeling left out. Talk to them about what they can do to build a better relationship with him. You might have to build up slowly with them playing with him more while you are there at first.
Don't be too sure that your daughter doesn't need a break. If he has meltdowns etc it can be distressing for her.
He may also appreciate a break from his sister. Many children with autism like a lot of peace and quiet, downtime and one to one time with a parent.
Be careful of alienating any source of support that you might need later.
If the grandparents actually refuse to listen when you try to talk to them or make nasty comments about your son that's a different matter, but it might take some time for them to understand.
I have read a lot but I still sometimes misunderstand things. It doesn't mean I don't want to help.

The thing is that your child is entirely the responsibility of you and his father, not anyone else. They have the freedom to say they can’t cope, they’re tired and they want a break, because he’s not their child to care for.

As a mum of two kids, one special needs, then I think you are right to bring this up. Your DD may well wonder why her brother isn’t included too. I do think it’s not right that an ‘easier’ child is given all the attention in a family. However I wouldn’t let my special needs child spend time with anyone or be child minded unless I am 110% sure they ‘get’ all his needs.

So I’d be taking the lead and suggesting ways that the grandparents can be involved in both their grandchildren, which is more about centred around the child’s needs, not theirs. So things like coming along to activities that both children like, doing things one to one with both of them but with you around. Build up their knowledge and understanding. Then, it might be nice for your DD to have short days out but also balanced with them coming to spend time with their grandson too.

Personally I think the GPs shouldn't have either GC stay over. I think you should increase visits as a family and start to leave both DCs for short periods if your DS responds well, then the time left can be extended.

I suspect your DS wouldn't want to stay over anyway and if it's his choice it's OK for his DS to stay over with them.

I think the worse thing we do to our DC is ignore what they want by not asking or offering. We should not choose this sort of thing for our DCs let them choose themselves.

Good luck.

Awh I feel awful for him and you, must be very difficult.
I would say both or neither if it was me.

So you haven't been truthful about the true complexity of his needs. Why are you a ft carer if his needs are not that significant? Op I get that you feel hurt on behalf of your ds, but I also completely get why the GP's are choosing to build a relationship with your dd. You have also completely ignored all the posters who are in your dad's position, why? They would be able to give you a more truthful version than one you have of your dd.

this

I can't imagine how hurt my ND ds would be if his grandparents started favouring his NT younger brother over him because he is 'harder work'. Yes, sometimes his grandparents take his younger brother out without him to do something he might like but they do the same with him. That way they BOTH get from each other because ND siblings don't have monopoly on being annoying! This thread says everything about people's attitudes to children with SN.

And when all the autistic people come along, who are able to change their point of view, tell you that you are wrong, I wonder whether you will hold to your point of view. I have this strange idea you will...

Have you considered whether you are autistic?

(the last line was sarcastic)

Exactly!

If that is the case, with an eight-year-old, then I think it's quite obvious why his GP are less than enthusiastic in taking him away on holiday.

If you are insistent on it being both or none then they'll probably politely decline your kind offer and keep their distance.

Read Mamanchen's comments. You'll find the reality of it there.

But again, one of the points of your OP is about your DD not being able to go on this holiday and you've avoided all posts about that.

She. Might. Still. Be. OK. To. Go. On. The. Holiday.

It's obvious now YABU but still an unenviable situation.

I would be very upset with these comments and would be prone to limiting my time with them.

It's not just a situation where they are unable to meet your DS's needs if he spent time with them, or even just simple discomfort. If that were the case I would be a bit more understanding. But they sound like bigots.

I was prepared to say that you were being unreasonable, but I really don't think I would want to be around people that think like this, never mind have my kids hang out alone with them.

Do you think they are in any way educable?

Mine are a few years older. As they’ve grown, I’ve come to appreciate how important it is for my NT DC, who is also younger, to have their own activity away from their ND sibling.

They’re each other’s best cheerleaders and the love between them is clear for everyone to see but they are growing on their own terms.

Initially I was in agreement with you, in that you should not let them see your DD either but I now I’m unsure. It’s taken years for you to mow your DS inside out. Sure maybe they should’ve been interested.
Fostering a close relationship is for the good of both of your children. I would take in board the suggestion of helping them know how to look after your DS step by step.

FWIW, I’ve never received much help from my family in terms of overnight stays, etc. I just remind myself that they owe me nothing and get on with it. Expect nothing and you’ll never be disappointed kind of thing.

All the best.

Op your key question is should people who failed to connect with your son be able to have a relationship with your daughter, because they perceive her to be easier.

from your responses to this thread I suspect it might be difficult for people to talk to you about your sons needs: you come across incredibly defensive and aggressive.

I am not saying that to take the grandparents side - I am just saying if you get angry every time someone expresses a concern about they might care for your son I can see why tThis has gone unresolved for so long

ideally you would sit down with the grandparents and explain you think it is unfair that they are only willing to spend time alone with one of your children. You should be able to explore with them why that is and work with them to build their confidence and relationship with your son.

if they aren’t willing to try then I suspect you need to explain that it would be too painful for your son to watch them build a relationship with his sister when they make no effort with him.

bit this all takes emotional maturity in both sides, and you need to accept that caring for your son will be haunting for some.

@jamoncrumpets

“In May you posted about having locks on cupboards, how if anyone other than you did the school run DS will have a meltdown, how he jumps all over the bed having done a poo and not wiped. None of these things mean he is less worthy of love and affection, but it does mean it is going to be difficult for others to take him away. How do they treat your son when you are all together?”

if this is true Op surely you must be able to see why grandparents would not be offering to have him overnight?

I get the sense that if they spent time with and showed interest in DS in a way that worked for him and them, OP would not have any reluctance about them spending time alone with and maybe even taking DD on holiday.

It's their complete lack of interest and willingness to have a relationship with one of two children that is causing the issue. It's like they want to pretend he does not exist or is not related to them. That's not how a loving family handles having a child with additional needs.

My Aunt had down's syndrome and all of the complexities that can come with that. She still had full relationships with our entire family. We didn't ignore her or refuse to engage with her, or love her any less for it. Perhaps we enjoyed her more actually. Her existence didn't mean other children in the family were ignored or their experiences were limited. But they would not have wanted to spend time around people that only loved them and not their sister, too.

I don't like the "what about the poor suffering NORMAL child" vibe of a lot of the responses.

I agree with you OP. They shouldn’t just be making all the effort with one child, it’s lovely your DD gets to spend time with them and clearly has a great relationship with them. It’s also nice that they want to make the effort but…

why the need to just offer your DD to go? Even if your DS needs are more greater and he needs more care, could they not have suggested you all go? This way if DS doesn’t like being away from you or isn’t used to being away from you for long lengths of time, he can still go on holiday with his sister and you will all be there!?

I would just politely say to them “thank you for offering to take DD, I feel it would be nice for us to all go so the children can go on holiday together?” See what there responses are. I don’t agree with leaving one child out, this in my eyes isn’t fair. There is plenty of compromise here, everyone on here is saying “you can’t expect them to look after your DS aswell” etc etc but if you was to go along with them, your not expecting them to take care of DS OR DD but they still have the opportunity to have quality time with BOTH of them? This to me sounds fair.. this is how I would approach this tbh xx