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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say you take both or you don't get DD

588 replies

jamoncrumpets · 07/07/2022 14:43

I have two children, DS is nearly eight, autistic and has additional needs. DD is four and neurotypical.

Neither side of the family has ever offered us practical support or help with DS, never offered to babysit or take him out. The only help I received with him was a few hours while I had planned c section for DD and then my husband had to go home by teatime to put him to bed.

DD is growing and developing at the same rate as her peers, she's a very funny and outgoing little girl who makes us all laugh. We put a lot of effort into giving her our attention and support so that she doesn't feel resentful of time that we have to give to her brother, who she loves.

She is getting to the age now where both sets of grandparents are talking about having her go to their houses to stay, or taking her on holiday. But when they talk about this they only ever mention her. Never my son.

My heart says you don't get to pick and choose which of my kids you give this attention to. But I don't want to deny DD happy memories. AIBU?

OP posts:
sqirrelfriends · 07/07/2022 19:09

That’s not nice for your DS, and horrible for a mother to see her child being left out.

Perhaps your parents are wrongly thinking that they wouldn’t be able to manage him, or even find an activity that he will enjoy?

Would it be worth having a conversation with them, asking why they don’t seek out 1on 1 time with DS, like they do with DD.

Runnerbeansflower · 07/07/2022 19:10

SalmonEile · 07/07/2022 18:57

OP what I’m getting from your posts is that there are ways your sons grandparents COULD spend time with him and bond with him (like you said he’s happy for someone to sit and talk with him while he plays ) but they’ve chosen not to make the effort at all? And if that’s the case I don’t blame you one bit for being upset by this.

Other way round. GPs have no interest in doing other activities with DS. As his needs became clear they lost interest.

OP's point was they don't do other activities with DS, but expect to be able to treat DD as if she is the only child that matters.

Notonthestairs · 07/07/2022 19:10

So one child is only deserving of love & attention from immediate family ie parents? Not grandparents?

I guarantee parents on this thread would not accept one child being favoured over another.

The attention & love doesn't have to look the same for each child but there should be the same thought behind it.

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 07/07/2022 19:12

jamoncrumpets · 07/07/2022 15:59

So the only person supposed to 'deal' with issues like that would be me? Is that fair?

Much of that is hypothetical anyway because my child isn't doubly incontinent. But if he were would he really not be worthy of attention from his grandparents?

Show quote history

Unfortunately, like most parents of autistic children this will always be the case that only the parents deal with the issues. Indeed some grandparents dont ever really want to enjoy their grandchildren how ever they are. I suggest you ask them what they think.

NotMyselfWithoutCoffee · 07/07/2022 19:14

Yanbu they should be at least attempting to make an effort to spend time with him.

Runnerbeansflower · 07/07/2022 19:15

Runnerbeansflower · 07/07/2022 19:10

Other way round. GPs have no interest in doing other activities with DS. As his needs became clear they lost interest.

OP's point was they don't do other activities with DS, but expect to be able to treat DD as if she is the only child that matters.

Show quote history

Sorry, quoted wrong post

FeelingwearyFeeelingsmall · 07/07/2022 19:16

I think the siblings of children with any sort of special need quite often miss out on a lot of attention from their parents. I did it myself when the the oldest had anorexia. My dad's sister had cerebral palsy and her brothers pretty much brought themselves up. My BFFs daughter had cancer from age 12-16 and her sister spent a lot of time being overlooked because the older one's needs were more pressing. None of this is a criticism of parenting - it's just the harsh reality of life sometimes, we only have one pair of hands and one pair of eyes and can only be in one place at one time.

Because of this I think it's perfectly fair that the brothers and sisters of the needier child get some special perks and attention once in a while. In this particular scenario it sounds as if a holiday or overnight would not bring your son any sort of joy but might make your daughter feel special.

Don't make your DD miss out because you are angry with the grandparents.

GrinAndVomit · 07/07/2022 19:16

I don’t think it’s a crime worth withdrawing all contact if the grandparents can’t show their love and affection in exactly the same way with their NT and ND grandchildren. They have different needs and wants.

I know people are very angry about the use of the words “wanting to do normal things” but my NT brother had never been to a restaurant or theatre until I took him because our ND brother wouldn’t have been able to cope. These are “normal” things that almost everyone has experienced. Why should my NT brother not have that?

MiniPiccolo · 07/07/2022 19:16

jamoncrumpets · 07/07/2022 16:39

I think you missed my OP in which I stated that my DH and I parent our children very conscious of their differences, but in a way that celebrates them both and allows them to shine. And they're both doing very well. They're happy.

My DD doesn't need a holiday from her sibling. It's rude to suggest that she does.

She is currently bouncing on the trampoline laughing her head off without a care in the world while I waste my afternoon trying to explain to people that my DS with additional needs (who is on his swing singing his heart out) is as worthy as her of love and individual attention. She's not suffering.

"My DD doesn't need a holiday from her sibling. It's rude to suggest that she does."

Considering you're banging the ableism button pretty hard here OP, you seem pretty oblivious to the true impact it can have on NT children to be raised with ND siblings. You might want to educate yourself on that next, because many of us are speaking from experience around the importance of it.

You're also making sweeping assumptions that none of us are in the same boat as you.

minipie · 07/07/2022 19:20

OP it’s not clear, do they spend time with DS but won’t do sole care? Or do they show no interest in him?

Your OP reads as if it’s just sole care they won’t do, which I think is why you’re getting responses saying it’s understandable.

But if it’s actually that they show no interest as your later posts suggest … that’s very different and I’d be absolutely furious in your shoes.

By the way, I did ask about your DS’s feelings, whether he will notice and be upset by the disparity.

puppies2021 · 07/07/2022 19:23

Whats always upset me since i had my ASD son 14 years ago is i have no choice i have to commit 24hrs a day for 14 years...whilst holding down a job and doing all the things that we all have to doi....so when in.the past grandparents say 'im going home.now to rest for the evening which infact means everyday for another month i have felt pretty disgruntled. If im expected to manage all day every day...why cant relatives manage 1 day? If.they see how tiring it is surely they realise hey this poor girl never gets a break. I never said anything but ended up feeling bitter and let down and very alone.

Lovemusic33 · 07/07/2022 19:23

Surely any child may need a break from their sibling ASD or not?

I know my eldest needs a break from her sister who is more severely autistic, yes she loves her sister to death but she needs a break from her as much as I do (sadly I don’t get a break). Dd1 went in a camping trip with her grandparents whilst dd2 stayed with me, she had a great time and dd2 was oblivious to the fact she was being left out.

LeoOliver · 07/07/2022 19:25

doyouwantachuffedybadge · 07/07/2022 19:08

Because autistic people arent a burden and shouldnt be treated as such. Siblings have to learn that and to adapt their lives to accommodate the differences, not burdens, that may come with being neurodiverse.

Show quote history

This comment isn't really fair to siblings of special needs. It can be really difficult for children - this doesn't make them bad people. All children have needs.

nokidshere · 07/07/2022 19:28

Sorry if I've missed it but have you actually spoken to them about this? Or asked them for help? If you have what did they say?

cottagegardenflower · 07/07/2022 19:31

I think it is reasonable to state what your son's difficulties are as the spectrum is so broad, but it doesnt sound as though he would be very difficult to manage and to enjoy their attention. Basically you need to speak to them about this unfairness, and see what their reservations are. It could be they are worried he won't be happy with them (this may be the case) or they wouldnt be able to handle his needs. However it they are just afraid of the stigma of having a SN child who will need more supervision when out, then they can fuck right off. Your DS needs acceptance and love from all his family, and youre right, they don't get to pick a favourite.

Maybe they can have him for a short afternoon to see how they manage? Its usually much easier than they imagine.

champagnetruffleshuffle · 07/07/2022 19:34

YANBU to be hurt by this, especially for your son. He shouldn't miss out while his sister doesn't.
Can you talk to them about this? Ask what their reasons are?
It might be that they think they won't cope, or that he might not cope away from you. Both concerns may be true. It might need some transitional input from you, like trips out/time spent together, to help your son get familiar/relaxed with his grandparents and to help the grandparents learn how to support your son.

5128gap · 07/07/2022 19:37

Its not necessary to give your children an identical experience to give them an equal one. Let your DD do something with her grandparents while you give your DS some special one on one treat time with you. As long as both DC have a good time it doesn't matter what that looks like or whose providing it.

Runnerbeansflower · 07/07/2022 19:41

I disagree.

Yes, different activities for different needs/interests.

But if GPs only give their time and attention to DD and not DS, then that is damaging to both children

calmlakes · 07/07/2022 19:46

Because autistic people arent a burden and shouldnt be treated as such. Siblings have to learn that and to adapt their lives to accommodate the differences, not burdens, that may come with being neurodiverse.

It isn't okay to dismiss the challenges that NT siblings often face.
The constant accommodations that they make are usually made with love but that doesn't mean that they don't deserve a space where they don't have to make accommodations.
Where their needs and wants get to take up all the space in the room for a while.
It is a definite developmental challenge expecting young dc to always be adapting their lives for the betterment of others.

Quackpot · 07/07/2022 19:47

Let her go.

I was the young carer.
My needs never came first, they still don't now we're adults, even though I had/have ADHD.
I don't resent my disabled sibling now, but I sure as hell did when I was growing up, when my life experiences were restricted by her needs. It felt so unfair. We went to plenty of disability friendly events, but few I was interested in.

I am also a parent of both a child with complex SEND and a child without SEND. I do my best to make sure they both have their own separate experience alongside the family experience.

KvotheTheBloodless · 07/07/2022 19:48

doyouwantachuffedybadge · 07/07/2022 19:08

Because autistic people arent a burden and shouldnt be treated as such. Siblings have to learn that and to adapt their lives to accommodate the differences, not burdens, that may come with being neurodiverse.

Show quote history

Do you have a disabled sibling @doyouwantachuffedybadge ? I would guess not from your post. It can be bloody hard work, having your needs always come second to your sibling's, missing out on holidays, parties, having friends over...etc. because he won't cope. That's not the sibling's fault, nor is it the parents' fault, but YABVU to suggest that it's not a burden having a disabled sibling, even when you love them very, very much.

Eviesmum29 · 07/07/2022 19:48

I'm baffled by the responses here. OP YANBU.

I have an autistic son and a (seemingly so far) neurotypical daughter. We don't have any family who bother with us these days but if we did, and they displayed that kind of favouritism, they certainly wouldn't be whisking DD off on holidays and leaving DS behind.

They're incredibly ignorant to boot as for all they know (I appreciate you said she's NT but for arguments sake) DD may well have autism too as girls present so differently as you know yourself.

I would definitely want to pull them up on the blatant favouritism.

I can also relate to your upset at being told "you don't have anything to worry about with this one" and "thank god she's ok" as I had exactly the same from my mother, now NC.

MiniPiccolo · 07/07/2022 19:50

OP, you're also failing to divulge on this thread that you're also Autistic. Which means that no matter what a lot of people say, you still will likely hold your point of view, and you just wanted a vent and rant. So this is futile.

TolkiensFallow · 07/07/2022 19:52

Have you talked this through with them? Do you know why they haven’t offered with DS or do you just assume? It could be ableism but how old are your parents? Are they physically able to cope? ND parents learn a lot and fast, GP’s will take longer and may need help - or may not be as capable as you think?

Dutch1e · 07/07/2022 19:55

It's astonishing that in 200 comments there's no mention by the OP of an honest and vulnerable coversation between the 6 adults (4 grandparents and 2 parents).

DS's needs became apparent at 18 months and he's now eight. There's even been a new baby in that time and STILL no round-table cuppa to share fears/struggles/needs/goals for DS and DD.

What a wet bunch.