To say you take both or you don't get DD

[jamoncrumpets]

I have two children, DS is nearly eight, autistic and has additional needs. DD is four and neurotypical.

Neither side of the family has ever offered us practical support or help with DS, never offered to babysit or take him out. The only help I received with him was a few hours while I had planned c section for DD and then my husband had to go home by teatime to put him to bed.

DD is growing and developing at the same rate as her peers, she's a very funny and outgoing little girl who makes us all laugh. We put a lot of effort into giving her our attention and support so that she doesn't feel resentful of time that we have to give to her brother, who she loves.

She is getting to the age now where both sets of grandparents are talking about having her go to their houses to stay, or taking her on holiday. But when they talk about this they only ever mention her. Never my son.

My heart says you don't get to pick and choose which of my kids you give this attention to. But I don't want to deny DD happy memories. AIBU?

OP, were your parents very involved when your DS was a baby, before his ASD was obvious/diagnosed?

Leaving OP’s son’s needs out of the picture for a second, it just isn’t ok for grandparents to lavish one grandchild with love and attention and not the other.

I’m shocked that anyone thinks disability is a valid reason for what, in any other situation, would be outrageous favouritism.

This isn’t just about days out or holidays or sleepovers - OP has described them not showing any interest in her son since his needs became apparent. And making some blatant ableist comments.

’Fair’ doesn’t need to mean treating them exactly the same - anyone who has more than one child knows that. But it does mean giving them the same amount of love and attention, even if that love and attention takes different forms. And I don’t think they should get to take DD on holiday if they’re not prepared to make any emotional/time investment in their other grandchild.

'missdemeanors
Many children with autism would find staying over in someone else's house or going away on holiday incredibly stressful and would crave routine.

Unless there's a massive drip feed coming then YABU

That’s a big generalisation, my autistic child loves staying away and holidays.'

Yes. Which is why I wrote many children with autism. Not all. It's certainly the case that many people with ASD need routine to feel secure, and have different likes, dislikes and triggers to NT people. Taking a child (other than your own) on holiday is a big deal whether the child has additional needs or not. Children can get homesick, fractious, not sleep in an unfamiliar room/bed.... the list is endless. It's ridiculous for the OP to expect the gp to do exactly the same with her ds as they are prepared to do with her dd.

Building a relationship and investing the time and effort to make that work is one thing, holidays and sleepovers are quite another.

But I'm getting the feeling more and more that the OP would rather carry on feeling resentful than take positive steps to encourage the gp to do what they are comfortable to offer.

Let her go alone.
Maybe they don't feel they could cope with DS.

He. Still. Deserves. Affection. And. Attention.

Of COURSE he does but you said She is getting to the age now where both sets of grandparents are talking about having her go to their houses to stay, or taking her on holiday. But when they talk about this they only ever mention her. Never my son

They could NOT do that with your son because of his complex needs. They could come to your house and see him, play with him in the garden but days out and holidays would not work so why expect it???

My two both autism non verbal love each other but still like a break from each other. My son just like any brother wind's his sister up and she's bossy with him.

They go to respite separately so I can give them both one on one time. They also go together to give me a break.

This thread is pointless. You are not listening to anyone. You obviously don't like the grandparents and despite in your own words stating your ds can get very anxious and upset in new or busy situations you seem fixated on why they won't take him. Meanwhile your daughter misses out.

OP what I’m getting from your posts is that there are ways your sons grandparents COULD spend time with him and bond with him (like you said he’s happy for someone to sit and talk with him while he plays ) but they’ve chosen not to make the effort at all? And if that’s the case I don’t blame you one bit for being upset by this.

That’s a big generalisation, my autistic child loves staying away and holidays.

OP has previously said that he gets very anxious and she is the only one that can pick him up from school else he’ll have a meltdown.

Some children love staying away and holidays but OPs DS doesn’t sound like one of them regardless of additional needs.

Are you only happy if they take sole care of him? People have mentioned what they can do with you there and you shoot it down.

If you need respite that's understandable. But they are not for that.

Something isn’t sitting right with me that grandparents only want to take their granddaughter. It’s very unfair of them to do this and I understand where you are coming from.
Do they see it as helping you by taking your daughter, perhaps giving you a break?

To be fair, AIBU is full of bottom feeders as this thread shows.

ftr, my ds hates going away on holiday.

every time we went, i ended up staying in the caravan with him, while my ExH took DD out to do stuff because he refused to go or spent the whole time in meltdown/overload.

I wouldn't inflict that on my parents, but wouldn't deprive DD of the chance of a holiday just because DS can't cope.

My grandmother favoured me over my DB both neuro typical she just didn't like boys so my mum at a early age said if you can't treat them equally then you don't get the privilege of spending time with your grandchildren. I didn't see her again til I was 12 and she behaved.

It's the same thing both your children should receive the love and affection of their grandchildren yes they have different needs but if they can't make a effort with both on a level that's suitable for them individually then they shouldn't have the privilege of spending time.

Your DD having a break away isn't a bad thing though but completely agree the grandparents need to demonstrate and put effort in to spend time with your DS as well in a setting which is suitable for him and also build it up slowly. Hes not going to be comfortable with going with them for a few hours if they havent bothered to build that trust up.

Both my dc have ASD but both at each end of the spectrum, no one ever offer to have dd2 so I feel your pain but on the other hand I don’t think I would stop my other dc going if they offered, it would be good for your dd to get time away from you ds? I know it seems unfair (it is unfair) but I wouldn’t deny your dd the chance of having a break.

bottomfeeders?

Are you missing the fact that the OP (like me) is her sons carer as well as parent? By asking his GP's to take him on holiday, she's expecting them to take that role on, but doesn't seem to be willing to encourage them to learn HOW to be his carer.

Also, his GP's aren't obliged to have to take that role on, but spiting her DD because their GP's aren't upto/capable of/want to be a Carer isnt fair either.

Both kids are deserving of love, care and attention, but equality/fair doesn't mean the same, you have to differentiate for what each child needs and will serve them best.

They can choose to lavish attention wherever they want to. Its up to you wether you expose either of your children to it or neither. The Internet can't decide that for you.

Maybe just ask them why. They could think that they're 'helping' and a constructive discussion could be had around what help, support, and equity looks like for your family.

I'm sorry, OP. But yes, to be blunt. It is only you and DH who are responsible for him and DD.

Your parents and PIL don't owe you anything and childcare/time with grandchildren is a gesture they can withdraw or decline for whatever reason they choose.

You're also potentially witholding what is essential respite for your daughter and several hours of time solely dedicated to her and her needs. This is very important to provide for siblings of those who have additional needs - because it isn't that child's choice to have to live in that environment.

Have the Grandparents actually spent much time with you all as a family?
Do be careful, while you think your always fair to both children, children sometimes see it differently,

Attention and affection aren't babysitting and holidays. No matter how many full stops you use.
You sound like you're struggling OP and you're directing all your emotion about the unfairness of life and the pressure of caring for an NT child on to this request from the GPs to spend time with your DD.
What respite do you have? What breaks have you had? What support groups do you access? You need a network of support. It isn't your DC's GPs responsibility to provide it and they're not equipped to support you emotionally and physically. You need specialised support to help you and both your DCs.

Who are you talking about? The people who are giving their opinions based on their personal experience of having a ND sibling or child of their own?

@Both kids are deserving of love, care and attention, but equality/fair doesn't mean the same, you have to differentiate for what each child needs and will serve them best."

Well yes. But the grandparents don't seem prepared to engage with one child at all.

Which he gets plenty of from his immediate family.

noone is going to love and care for your kids the way you do OP. You can’t hold the grandparents to the same standards as yours as a parent. Same with teachers at school. I’m sure they give him plenty of affection etc but they wouldn’t be taking him for a two week caravan trip.

Because autistic people arent a burden and shouldnt be treated as such. Siblings have to learn that and to adapt their lives to accommodate the differences, not burdens, that may come with being neurodiverse.