To say you take both or you don't get DD

[jamoncrumpets]

I have two children, DS is nearly eight, autistic and has additional needs. DD is four and neurotypical.

Neither side of the family has ever offered us practical support or help with DS, never offered to babysit or take him out. The only help I received with him was a few hours while I had planned c section for DD and then my husband had to go home by teatime to put him to bed.

DD is growing and developing at the same rate as her peers, she's a very funny and outgoing little girl who makes us all laugh. We put a lot of effort into giving her our attention and support so that she doesn't feel resentful of time that we have to give to her brother, who she loves.

She is getting to the age now where both sets of grandparents are talking about having her go to their houses to stay, or taking her on holiday. But when they talk about this they only ever mention her. Never my son.

My heart says you don't get to pick and choose which of my kids you give this attention to. But I don't want to deny DD happy memories. AIBU?

How old are the grandparents

and how is your relationship with them generally? And your partner

OMG just read your update. OK so they're disablist.

Right well that's it then.

They don't understand or appreciate autism.

Is it to give them the Elon Musk rant...

They do know while they were busy round the campfire, back in the good old days of being a hunter gatherer, that while caveman Alex was busy slaying an animal and boasting in front of his friends, autistic Elon was developing the first wheel...

You don't seem to have spent time building a relationship between your DS and his GPs or equipping them to have an independent relationship with him.
Just for a moment, consider that their desire to spend time with your DD isn't coming from a negative place but one where they may think you haven't ever encouraged or supported their relationship with your DS. Without open conversations - which you should lead because it concerns your DC - they can't know what you're thinking.

Even after those conversations, they are also entitled to say they don't feel capable of looking after your DS or that they think your DD would benefit from one-on-one attention. But you don't seem ready to hear any of those responses. You're underestimating the impact of everything on your DD.

Stopping them from having a relationship with your DD doesn't benefit your DS or your DD. The only person it would make feel better, is you because you seem to see it as a point scoring win over the GPs.

Your partners relationship with his parents I meant

Some people just aren't cut out for nurturing special needs child. My nana always favoured our cousin who is disabled. Even though she looked after us after school. All we heard off her was S was doing this and he can do this now. His special teacher said this etc. She always favoured boys.

I get what you’re saying but you are acting like you’re annoyed that they ‘get out’ of looking after him and you getting a break rather than him actually missing out.

My DD has autism but goes to mainstream school and lives a relatively ‘normal’ life. Some people may find her challenging because they’re not used to her even though her behaviour is perfect.

I work with teens with SEND and some wouldn’t even go on holiday with their parents, let alone grandparents.

It’s not fair for someone to take a child on that they can’t cope with.
I know some kids that are simply spoilt and have no SEND at all and there’s no way I’d look after them as I couldn’t cope with them.

I would feel guilty that one of my children was missing out but if he suffers with such bad anxiety then it would be cruel to let him go anyway and probably why they would know you wouldn’t want him going and being distressed.

How often do they spend time with him at your house?
They need to spend more time with him getting to know him and understand him before they can even begin to have him on their own, for his own sake as well as theirs.

Ignore my previous message, I got the ages confused. You’re right to be hurt, but I wouldn’t deny your daughter having holidays etc. But do raise it with them and see if they can have short days out with him etc. They are probably worried about coping. Once they have confidence sure they will realise they enjoy it.

Can you talk to the grandparents in a calm way about this?
I would not expect them to have both children together-that could be too difficult. I don't know how old they are but, take my word for it, you have a lot more energy at 40 than you will at 70.
However, I would tell them that both you and your son are finding it hurtful that they are treating the children differently and that if they spent a bit of time with your son on his own they would get to enjoy his company. Do they know much about his interests and what he enjoys?
I wouldn't say that they can't have time with your daughter, it could prove helpful to both you and her to have that support in the future and give both the children some one to one time.
I would reconsider if they start making negative comments about your son in front of your daughter .
I would also avoid discussing any of this with them if either child is in earshot. Your daughter can't help the situation .
Be careful that your protective feelings towards your son don't cause you to overlook your daughter's needs.

I have a few thoughts, but no actual experience with anything like this so please do excuse any ignorance.

1. Does your DS receive the bulk of attention at home?
2. Does your DD deserve her time to be centre of attention and enjoy her time without her brother there?
3. Are you upset because YOU need the break and you would like GP's to take both kids off your hands when they can? (This is definitely how some of your comments come across)
4. You shouldn't have to 'list your sons disabilities', but you can't give half the info necessary and then be cross that people are not giving you the 'right answers'!

I agree with other commenters that you need to have a chat with extended family and see what conclusions you can come to together. If it is a serious case of favouritism then YANBU, however, if it is anything else... you might be the unreasonable one here 🤷‍♀️

I did say We put a lot of effort into giving her our attention and support so that she doesn't feel resentful of time that we have to give to her brother, who she loves.

She is getting to the age now where both sets of grandparents are talking about having her go to their houses to stay, or taking her on holiday.

This tells you everything you need to know - it’s only now DD is getting older can they feel they can cope with her.
If she couldn’t do these things the past 4 years then it’s obvious they don’t want to do any of the ‘difficult’ parenting.

If they can’t cope with one of your children, they can’t cope.
Getting annoyed and being bitter is not going to change that.

The only positive is that your DD will get a break away from the family and have some 1-1 time with her grandparents as most siblings of SEND children need due to having less attention on a day to day basis (can’t be helped).

I would definitely try and do more things with them as the more they’re around your DS the more comfortable they’ll be with his needs.

That’s a big generalisation, my autistic child loves staying away and holidays.

@CallOnMe im not sure the OP is upset about not getting a break - I think she’s more worried about the emotional impact this could have on her son,
Both of her children will notice that the DD is being treated and favoured by the grandparents

We have a system of locks in our kitchen to prevent our disabled child from accessing food and DH never locks them back up again. We have a gate on our bedroom to stop DS accessing the room ... DS will go in, jump on our bed, throw all our bedding off, get in after having a poo and not wiping his bottom properly etc etc

This puts a different slant to it even without the toilet issue, your own house is like Fort Knox and yet you expect grandparents to take him away and cope. FFS.

i dont get the impression the OP wants to or feels its her job.. but in my experience, grandparents aren't going to learn if we parents don't put the leg work in... which means the situation will never get better.

personally, i can't imagine being so close minded as to not make the effort to help my parents/family learn how to handle my ds.

Both my dc have Autism and are now adults. When they were younger we had to be very on the ball just to keep them safe. We never had any help with care.

Knowing how much work it is I dont the child's grandparents for not feeling they can manage those needs. In fact I think you'd be putting your child's safety at huge risk......it hurts.. I know it does. But in your situation I'd gratefully accept them taking your younger dc. It gives her a break and lowers your work load. It wouldn't be fair to cut off your nose to spite your (( her )) face. These breaks will become even more valuable in the future.

Thats a fallacious argument.

You're used to doing that every day, your house (like mine and other SN parents) is set up to serve your DS's needs, its NORMAL to you to do that.

IF you looked in my house and saw DS eating normally, me cooking 3 different meals, you wouldn't think there were any issues.. but if you took the same snapshot at my brothers house, or at a restaurant, its a WHOLE other story and his autism is blatant, despite the things i have in place and my family have in place to help him cope.

@jamoncrumpets I applaud how you v v patiently have tried to explain your views, and your reality to people who choose to not get it, choose to be obtuse and not understand. It reminds me of trying to explain the racism my children face (they are black, I'm not) to my friends with white children. Endless whataboutery. Its soul destroying. Its not you. Its them. Your son is absoloutely worthy, of all the love, attention and devotion.

Op it must be very hard to know one of your children is missing out on that special time with his Grandparents, through no fault of his own.
I can absolutely understand why you are feeling as you do about it. It’s up to the Grandparents to adapt activities to suit both children. They should want to include your Son, and you would hope they would treat both children equally.

Your children sound lovely, and you are obviously a kind and caring Mum.
I’m sorry this is happening, and hope something can be sorted with the Grandparents, so both your children can enjoy a good relationship with them.
This would pull at any Mums heart strings.

You're defensiveness here is understandable, but you will not get the answers you want or need until you start replying to questions properly and provide the important information for people to have a whole picture idea of the situation...

She's provided plenty of information

I sympathise OP. Similar situation but we refused to let the GP single out the NT child for a visit. In our ASD child's case, they want to do what their sibling does so would notice they are being treated differently - I would be fine with them going separately or the NT kid having a longer stay but will not exclude the ASD kid. This particular GP does try with ASD kid but doesn't really understand him and we wouldn't let them have charge of them. The other GP can cope luckily. Our NT kid already gets to do so much that the ASD kid cannot access.

I would always always have to be the one to stop and pick up the slack if a child had to come home. Nobody else can do DS school run because of his disabilities - he would meltdown and school refuse

Context is important here, I am an autistic mother of two, one of whom is disabled and has complex needs

Sound like you are not being totally transparent. This is a lot more than you let on initially.

I don’t understand why you haven’t ask them already. Surely if they’re your parents you just ask them straight. If more awkward with in-laws, then that’s your DH’s turn.

Mine do as well but I've done it with them since they were small. I know some who wait until they're older about 10 and they don't settle in a different environment. Some have to take they're own duvet and a kitchen sink of other stuff.

I forgot my nighties once at a caravan site. Daughter got out had to run out after her in my knickers and bra.😂😂😂I had family with us to help though. My mm wouldn't have been quick enough. I wouldn't put soul responsibility on them for a week. Did have to put my bed in front of the door to stop them escaping