To say you take both or you don't get DD

[jamoncrumpets]

I have two children, DS is nearly eight, autistic and has additional needs. DD is four and neurotypical.

Neither side of the family has ever offered us practical support or help with DS, never offered to babysit or take him out. The only help I received with him was a few hours while I had planned c section for DD and then my husband had to go home by teatime to put him to bed.

DD is growing and developing at the same rate as her peers, she's a very funny and outgoing little girl who makes us all laugh. We put a lot of effort into giving her our attention and support so that she doesn't feel resentful of time that we have to give to her brother, who she loves.

She is getting to the age now where both sets of grandparents are talking about having her go to their houses to stay, or taking her on holiday. But when they talk about this they only ever mention her. Never my son.

My heart says you don't get to pick and choose which of my kids you give this attention to. But I don't want to deny DD happy memories. AIBU?

Just because DS has verbal skills significantly below his age it doesn't mean he can't notice that people are less willing to interact with him than his sister. I'm certain that he does, in a way. And as he grows and advances, as he does every day thanks to his amazing teachers (and his parents), I am certain he will notice.

And regardless of whether he notices or not, how is it ok to favour a child that is less work than their sibling? If I did that I would be a monster.

I've been in this situation with 1 set of GPs. There's 1 of my 3 that they've always been afraid to cope with, especially when he was younger. It certainly wasn't that I minded oldest getting some time on her own with GPs. If it had been that DD would enjoy a certain activity and DS wouldn't (excluding the youngest for the moment, baby at the time) that would have been all right. But when it's never, the inequality is too obvious to ignore. They were so afraid of a meltdown they wouldn't even try--even though 95% of the time a meltdown could be prevented if you knew how to talk to him.

I've not read all the replies so don't know if this has been discussed but have you shown grandparents all the strategies that you use to help with transitioning e.g. visual timetables, now and next boards etc and supported them with using this? Initially when you are supervising and then leave them to it for a bit on their own, build it up gradually?

I'm sorry that you have been left feeling upset about others not seeing how lovely and loving your boy is! I hope, with some support, other people in his life see it too.

I would just allow your dd to go alone. And plan something separate special with your son. Your parents may not know how to handle his needs and it would be safer for your son to be with you.

This probably hits what I was coming back to say.

With SN kids it is about fair not always being equal. Without knowing the details of what your child is comfortable with it could be that 'fair' attention/summer treat from the grandparents perhaps:

involves a 3 day trip to Devon in a caravan for dd,

but as ds would not cope with that or indeed the grandparents didn't feel comfortable coping with ds for that period of time instead perhaps their offer would be a couple of separate day trips to ds favourite park/zoo/swimming pool etc with lots of ice cream, fish and chip supper etc.

This would show that the effort (time, money, thought etc) was being made but acknowledging ds's additional needs and their (in)abilities to cope with them.

I think what is coming through here is that your ds is essentially being ignored by his grandparents, whilst your dd is being treated as the Princess. If these were 2 'normal' siblings and the girl got treated more or less favourably than the boy then the advice would be to drop contact for both.

Well that sheds new light!!

I don't understand why people on this thread think it would acceptable for a child's grandparents to favour one over another but would, in all likelihood, agree that it would be completely unacceptable for a parent to do that.

Equal treatment doesn't mean identical activities. One child can have a full day and night out, whilst the other might enjoy a morning at the zoo more. It's about understanding a child's needs and desires and tailoring to them.

You're not wrong to be upset by this OP.

This!!

As a mum with 4 kids 3 nt one Asd and adhd you do get used to not being invited then the oh we didn’t think bobby would like that or cope etc. so annoying when people assume what your child will put up with without asking you, if you don’t want him there then fine but don’t pretend you do. When it’s family it’s extra hurtful as you think they are the people who should understand and be able to help their niece/nephew or grandchild join in things everyone else gets to do.

However I just get a text with loads of rules, I’m aware of my sons issues and my eyes are on him at all times. I deal with him because my mother can’t - so there would be no chance of her taking him on his own ever. More because she will not step down from her views about how children should behave to understand her lovely, quirky grandson has a communication disorder and doesn’t fit into her neat boxes (most kids don’t). It’s just sad; and I understand that op wants her son to be loved and included like his sister by their grandparents but they are making differences. I think if your in laws/parents made the effort with your son op that would be different even if you were there, they were trying because it’s not easy sometimes but they don’t do I get why you feel the way you do.

It’s so hurtful whether it’s fair or not. It also means as a parent you never get a break because no one but you can deal with your child, so no babysitters, no after school or holiday clubs and many activities aren’t suitable. It’s pretty isolating, tiring etc.

I don't know if you're old enough to be a grandparent @Bertieboo82 or if you're a long way off.

As for 'I couldn't cope'. None of us expected to have a disabled child. They don't come with handbooks. We have coped because we have to. And we love them and celebrate their every achievement. Just as we do our NT children.

I have cut off people who want to exclude my 'problem' child. We don't need people like that in our lives. I feel very sorry for them really. Small minded and frightened. It's a sad way to live life.

Case in point, my kids just had their tea. DD had chicken teddies, potatoes and peas (and bbq sauce as a treat because she loves it). DS had his garlic flatbread, cucumber sticks and red peppers (he will have a protein shake later too). They both had a yoghurt for pudding.

They ate together. Not for long because DS wandered off, but they both got food they can eat and it was served to them at the same time in the same place. Two different sets of needs catered for at the same time.

It wasn't that hard.

From one of your other threads:

We have a system of locks in our kitchen to prevent our disabled child from accessing food and DH never locks them back up again. We have a gate on our bedroom to stop DS accessing the room ... DS will go in, jump on our bed, throw all our bedding off, get in after having a poo and not wiping his bottom properly etc etc.

You describe him as disabled with complex needs and say you have autism yourself.

In this thread all you say is that you lock up the crisps so he doesn't get to them.

You're not giving an honest backstory so there's no point in this thread.

I'd have some sympathy if they wanted to take one grandchild at a time. But to take one and not the other is selfish and cruel IMO.

I think you need to speak to them directly about this.

How old is that thread? Because DS uses the toilet now and has done for over a year. And why does my autism have anything to do with this?

I might be wrong here, and if I am, I'm sorry...

It sounds like the issue isn't that they can't cope with your DS but that they aren't really interested in trying. Both their grandchildren are worthy of love and it's sad that they don't seem to see that.

What does it teach your DD if she experiences her grandparents discarding her brother like this? What does it teach your DS to be shown that his own family view him as 'less than'? Your DS and DD may have different needs in some areas, but they both need and deserve equal love and respect.

I'd maybe speak with the grandparents and try to pin down why they aren't offering to take DS or to do 1:1 activities with him that he would enjoy. If their reasons are about a lack of confidence in their abilities to keep him safe, for example, you could offer to help them develop the necessary skills. But in my opinion, they need to start giving their grandchildren equal consideration.

To be fair, you told us a lot more about your Dd in the opening post than you did about your DS.

I think there are two issues.

One: he is ABSOLUTELY worthy of attention, and love, and pride, and if they are ignoring him or not loving or affectionate towards and about him then that is horrible.

But they could love him to bits and still not feel confident about taking him on holiday, for example. You say in your OP that he needs more time given over to him, for example, so whatever happens during that attention, they might not feel they can give the right attention. My friend has an autistic Ds. Both sets of grandparents adore him but only one grandmother has the confidence and knack of looking after him in a way that keeps him safe and happy.

It is a shame that they don't give you any support. But again that is different from taking your kids on holiday, which they do for pleasure. Even if looking after either or both your kids is hard work, many grandparents would do it because it gives you a break. But holidays are for pleasure and if the childcare is hard work (for whatever reason) you can't really expect them to take that on.

Can you talk to them about it? In a calm low key way but tell them how it makes you feel to see your Ds excluded?

You are clearly very hurt, but you may not be aware how hard looking after your son might be for someone else?

You have a routine with him that works. But how would he do in a different environment with a lot more unpredictable events?

Would it likely be a success?

I have had quite a few of DCs friends stay for dinner a sleepover who were autistic, and it was always a real challenge. I don't want to make a long list of what made it so hard, but some of the kids definitely had a very idiosyncratic "user manual" that was hard to decipher

I tried my best, and their mums always thought it was a success, but it was often really hard and I did end up not sleeping a whole night once, as I had to comfort an anxious child who said he could only sleep in his own bed

You are used to it. For others it may be hard to figure out, and there is so much one could get wrong. It's a lot of pressure.

Can you not talk to these family members and explain how it makes you feel? Or explain how it could be a success having DS over? (Could it be? You say he does not like new situations)

Good luck

I think using a mealtime at home in a safe environment with known people shows how your trying to minimise things to make your parents seem worse. How long as it taken you to get that balance? Does everything work that well.

if you want their relationship with your son to develop you need to put in the leg work to start the process

They had four years with DS before DD came along. How were they with him before his diagnosis?

Have you considered going on holiday together? So they get to spend time with both Children but don't have soul responsibility?

@jamoncrumpets

You are coming across as very bitter and angry, a lot of people have asked valid and reasonable questions and been shot down quite rudely by you.
A lot of posters (myself included) have posted their thoughts from their own experiences. My dd has a good relationship with her paternal grandparents who have never been alone with her brother, she is 17 now and fiercely protective of her brother (autism and severe learning disabilities).
I just asked her if she thought I should have prevented her from seeing her paternal grandparents as they didn't treat her brother the same.......... she feels strongly that she has benefited from the relationship and that the grandparents have lost out by not getting to know her brother.
In an ideal world all relatives would treat all children the same .........but we don't live in an ideal world, we can try to change it but sometimes you have to work with what you have got!

If he doesn't present challenging behaviour and the reason the grandparents don't want to spend time with him is simply because he's different, YANBU. Ask them for specifics as to why they won't spend time with him.

I haven’t read all the comments. We have 2 neurotypical children and one with severe disabilities.

I can understand you feeling very hurt by the different way in which relatives behave towards the children. We have experienced this too.
However my child’s needs are really significant and I do accept that older relatives cannot care for him, although occasionally it still upsets me.

I gradually came to terms with them loving him the same as the others (hopefully!) but just not wanting to do the hard work that is caring for him. The care is much harder than for our others. That is just a fact. It’s the reason we get DLA for his care and the reason he is at a specialist school.

You can’t change people so you have to work on your own acceptance of the situation and try to see things from other perspectives too.

Initially he was the golden child. His needs were apparent by about 18 months and then we experienced a significant withdrawal in interest. Throughout the diagnosis process we had to field a lot of comments such as 'you've got a problem there haven't you?' and had a lot of pointed comments about him not being potty trained yet etc etc.

As his sister developed more in line with her peers we had comments such as 'well you've got nothing to worry about there' and 'well SHE'S alright', so yes I have a bad taste in my mouth about it all.

What a difficult situation.

Do they spend much time around your DS? Do they know how to handle his needs? Are they in good health themselves? Are they naturally giving people - or more of one of life's takers?

If they aren't that familiar with him, then you would understand the reticence. But if they've spent a lot of time with him and his needs aren't that demanding, then you'd wonder why.

Yes they may well be ablist and even disablist. Not wanting to be seen out with your DS?

Or perhaps they don't wish to put themselves out that much for you? They're just friends for a season sort of folk, not interested in the hard work.

However all of this is conjecture.

I'd ask them some open questions like "it's lovely that you'd like to have DD stay over, but you've not had DS yet......"

And then wait - pause - wait for them to speak up. Leave the blank silence and wait for them to fill.

I think for all the comments posted here, nothing will give you the answers like an open chat with them.

Perhaps they don't want to ask because they're worried they'll get it wrong. Or perhaps this disablist or there could be so many reasons.

I'd just ask them up front, "how you would feel about having DS first. You've not had him yet and he is the eldest"

If nothing else, even if its lame excuses, you'll hear finally the truth.

Is it an age thing? Will they have both or alternate when your son is older?