AIBU to want my 12 year old DD to relax and enjoy her holiday?

[workthewobble]

We're on our first foreign holiday since 2019. We (me, DH, DD 13 and DS 10) don't usually go for package holidays to busy resorts, more a sightseeing location to European cities with perhaps a day or two of pool/beach but I wanted simplicity, sun and minimal effort after a busy couple of years. So here we are in Menorca. Big mistake. I realise we are lucky to be here but it's been bloody hard work so far. My daughter just cannot cope with the heat, which is not helped by the fact that she is refusing to put on a swimsuit and cool down in the pool! I mean, as per my username I'm fat and wobbly but I don't care enough to let it keep me from the pool. My son is loving it, DH is just about tolerating it. We're not sporty so snorkelling or other water sports are not for us. We hired bikes and they all moaned about it. Jeez, they're hard work! DD would spend the day in the air conditioned room on the phone to her friends if allowed. We've got two more days left. How do I survive this and more importantly, can I get my daughter to enjoy it?

I never understand why people say being on your phone is bad for you but books and magazines are okay… Essentially a phone is the same thing - reading and looking at pictures. I don’t think it really makes any difference to choose one over the other. There are plenty of trashy books and good books just as there’s good / bad stuff to do on a phone.

Its 23 degrees today and I can get my teen to swap his thermal hoody out for a t-shirt nevermind a swimsuit lol.

My DH is loosing his temper at the fact DS will turn a bunch of fans on in his room instead of taking of his multi-layed WINTER clothing though... teenagers going teenage though, it the time of their life for non logical stupidity.

Leave her to it. Go out for dinner with your husband

• can't get him to

I wish mumsnet had an ecit button

After fire, I disagree, people will scroll endlessly on their phones, a magazine has an end, prompting one to do something else. Phones are way more addictive

Im dyslexic and find it easy to read online forums and social media etc... but impossible to sit and read a novel.

It's because big long pages of words all blur together where as responses on forums are all broken up and seperated (unless someone write a ridiculously long one).

The screen glare is bad for you (causes stress and sleeplessness in many people if you look at it too much during the day) and the interactive, endless content is addictive.

I didn't say she needed to be reading Tolstoy or the London Review of Books.

However good a book is, however hard to put down, people simply don't get the same stress reactions to it.

Day trips sound like a good idea too.

I hate being at the pool - everybody lying watching everyone else. I'm not a great swimmer either.
Go to the beach - they are probably v small but everyone is looking st the sea or other gorgeous bodies and you can sit around in the wTer, lie on the beach even swim with goggles!

@workthewobble Yes indeed, they are marvelous! I know they are quite common in Bali (also sometimes billed as lagoon access/pool access rooms), as well as places like Koh Samui (for example at the Meliá). I actively seek them out now when choosing hotels because they are a total game changer!

we love Menorca and we've gone when DSs have been young teens. Eldest loves the water and jumping in from the rocks, the pool etc. Never changed. Younger son loved that but them had a few holidays where he wanted to do his own thing about that age. We left him a few Euros and a key and he would take himself for a walk, get himself a drink or snack/ice-cream. Chill in the apartment on his tech and join us for dinner. Not really my idea of taking advantage of the sun but hey ho, he was enjoying his holiday.

Why don't you take a day and go into Mahon or Ciutadella on the bus and wander round the shops/market, have a nice lunch or early dinner and people watch? Either go early shop/lunch and home for the afternoon, or go late afternoon and avoid the heat of the day.

@workthewobble Honestly, from this update it sounds like you're being a great mum and giving your kids a really nice holiday! From your first post it sounded like you were badgering your kid to do stuff she doesn't like and being annoyed when she wasn't into it, but clearly that's not the case at all now you've elaborated a bit!

You're definitely not a bad mum for letting your daughter relax in the room alone - it sounds like she's quite happy having a bit of peace and quiet away from siblings. I think I would look at it like this: lots of people's idea of relaxation would be lying on a sun lounger or the beach for a couple of hours, reading or scrolling through their phone or just having a snooze. Your daughter is really doing exactly the same as this, but in the comfort of air-con - so, actually ideal for her if she doesn't like too much sun 😊I think people accept that adults might like some time on their own, but forget that lots of kids do too.

It sounds really nice that you're having meals, people watching etc in the evenings - much less hot and always fun for kids to be staying up a bit later than usual, sitting outdoors at night, watching the world go by etc. Honestly, I bet your DD is having a perfectly lovely time.

Can she spend the hottest hours in the middle of the day in the room then come out at about 4pm, 5pm and sit in the shade in her sundress if she doesn't want to wear a swimming costume? I used to live in a hot country and in the summer we would spend the hours after lunch chilling out - reading a book, watching TV - in a darkened room with all the shutters closed. It was my favourite part of the day!

@Harridance I wasn't a fussy kid and didn't give a shit about my looks but I hated getting my hair wet because it was long and very thick and took FOREVER to dry naturally and blasting with a hairdryer for 30 minutes was horrible in hot weather. If we went swimming at primary school I used to have a huge wet patch on the back of my school shirt from my hair when I got home at the end of the day, my hair would be tangled and really painful to brush... just not very nice really.

I'd also add that now in their early 20s, DSs still want to come with us and DS2 will still spend time on his own, doing his own thing and DS1 still spends most of his holiday either going to the beach or pool with his dad or I or both. DS2 likes to come for a walk with me into the city for a drink and wander.

Step away from MN and go enjoy your holiday!
Your DD is fine. Your parenting is fine. Maybe next time if you're going to pick a resort then choose one that's closer to a town or hire a car so you can have some days away from the resort.

Maybe you could think of other things to do. Take her into the nearest town for a mother/daughter coffee. Go out at sunset and sit in a bar with a mocktail. Go for icecream once the sun has gone down.

Go the mall at night for a bit of retail therapy.

At that age I hated sitting in a swimming cozzie but I liked getting dressed up and putting a bit of makeup on.

Nobody has said talk to other people her own age. Whenever I'm away kids always make friends round the pool.

Sorry but I interpreted it that that was possibly something. I don't really see the relevance of it then to your daughter. @workthewobble

OP shared that her daughter wouldn't be up for that.

She's a funny kid, has always had her firm friends in school and is popular and confident among them but rather shy and hell would freeze over before I'd get her to make friends on holidays which is a shame I suppose but I wouldn't ever force that issue

OP she sounds like a really lovely girl who is just chilling away on a break with her family and enjoying the evenings with them without spending the whole day together!

Try not to project what you think a kid on holiday looks like onto her, she's her own unique self and she's at the age where some autonomy and some compromise is a good mix.

Sounds like she's actually getting that balance at the moment - some alone time, some family time. Enjoy the ☀️

Urgh yes vividly remember a sun holiday with my family when I was 13, was awful. Felt really self conscious in my clothes as didn't have anything I liked to wear. Had my period too so last thing I wanted was to be in a swimming costume. I remember my mum bugging me about it, awful arguments with my older brother too. Was so glad to get home. We had much nice holidays when I was a little older, just bad age.

DH is just about tolerating it
You hired bikes and they all moaned about it
DS is enjoying it
DD stays in her room and is refusing to be out in the sun

Was the bike hire your idea?

It looks from your OP as if you and DS are really the only people who are suited to this kind of holiday. Two doing well, two ranging from just about tolerating it to staying in her room on her phone in the nice cool AC doesn't sound to me like a good argument for compromise. I don't think half of a party should have to compromise.

If everyone except DD was all gung ho about snorkeling or biking or pony trekking or whatever, then I would ask DD to suck it up at least for one activity a day. But two of your family are not having the time of their lives despite your best intentions. I know from experience how disappointing it is that people don't engage with what's on offer when you're the one who has gone to the trouble of making the arrangements, and when there are expectations of getting away from hassle associated with the holiday, it's frustrating to find yourself still dealing with family issues.

Honestly, leave DH and DD to entertain themselves, and if sitting by the pool watching DS having fun is relaxing, just do that. Stop trying so hard to get them all going in the same direction. You are ruining your own holiday and theirs.

If you are the person who normally shoulders the burden of planning and booking the family holiday, maybe consider making it a co-operative thing next year. Try not to fill the role of family activity director.