AIBU to want my 12 year old DD to relax and enjoy her holiday?

[workthewobble]

We're on our first foreign holiday since 2019. We (me, DH, DD 13 and DS 10) don't usually go for package holidays to busy resorts, more a sightseeing location to European cities with perhaps a day or two of pool/beach but I wanted simplicity, sun and minimal effort after a busy couple of years. So here we are in Menorca. Big mistake. I realise we are lucky to be here but it's been bloody hard work so far. My daughter just cannot cope with the heat, which is not helped by the fact that she is refusing to put on a swimsuit and cool down in the pool! I mean, as per my username I'm fat and wobbly but I don't care enough to let it keep me from the pool. My son is loving it, DH is just about tolerating it. We're not sporty so snorkelling or other water sports are not for us. We hired bikes and they all moaned about it. Jeez, they're hard work! DD would spend the day in the air conditioned room on the phone to her friends if allowed. We've got two more days left. How do I survive this and more importantly, can I get my daughter to enjoy it?

Just because you enjoy the pool and holiday activities etc, that doesn't mean she does. If she's happy in an air-conditioned room messing around on her phone, let her crack on with that. As long as she's having meals with you and putting her phone away for that, it's fine. It's her holiday too. You can't force her to enjoy things she doesn't like.

You should also stop being so dismissive about her refusing to swim. My guess is that she has major body image issues at the moment. You've clearly found it easy enough to overcome any issues you have with your body, and that's great, but she has not, and she is 12 years old ffs so you can't expect her to have the same thought processes as an adult.

If cooling down in the pool is what the rest of you enjoy, that's fine. Just do that. You don't have to do loads of activities.

However ... snorkelling is not even remotely sporty. It's not hard work. You don't even have to be a good swimmer. If you can float and vaguely paddle yourself around, you can snorkel. It's literally just drifting pleasantly around, but without having to worry about lifting your face out of the water to breathe, and looking at pretty stuff on the bottom of the sea. I've done it loads and I could barely manage a length of a pool if I was swimming normally.

I’d probably do something along these lines as long as you were happy she was safe. When my son was fourteen we went on a cruise and he couldn’t be arsed with the heat so stayed on the boat while we went on the trips. He had his phone and we stayed in touch. The trips weren’t long - half a day or so.

Wow, a lot of replies and a fair few assumptions. Firstly, the whole family was involved in choosing our holiday. We've had miserable weather all year so far where we live and we all wanted sunshine. For the record I'm absolutely not confident in a swimsuit. I'm whiter than white, fat and late 40s, but then so are lots of other people and I want my kids to pick up the message that every body is a beach body. I totally get her adolescent self consciousness as I was just the same and I do not comment on her physique but do tell her she looks lovely and let her choose her own clothes. She did get in the pool Monday but tbh I think she is more worried about messing her hair up than what she looks like as she wears short shorts and vermst tops no problem. She's been in the shade with us most of the time but I just wondered if I was a bad mum to let her go to the room. She doesn't seem unhappy there. I've reassured her that if she needs to go there for a break, of course she can. We've gone walking, cycling and shopping together, all meals together etc. I suppose I wanted reassurance that I'm not a bad mother for letting her spend time alone. And no, I'm not taking her phone away but she knows I check from time to time and no screens at meal times. Anyway, I'm off to enquire about pedicures at the hotel spa for the two of us, maybe she'd enjoy that. 😁

I was a moaning grump at that age.europe and going up mountains ugh please! I was a little dickhead.
But I'm siooo glad my parents forced me( yes made me do it mnetters! Hold your hankies as u faint) to join in,be dragged around.because the privilege of the things we saw.at the time yes I could have hated their guts. But now I truly look at those holidays as some of the best moment in my life.ever.
And especially now ones I won't ever in a million years either have opportunity to do or afford.
The places my parents took me was absolutely bloody amazing.i was a lucky lucky girl.
And I tell them this.

Me at 4am moaning I was not getting up and to piss off.verces me now ,rembering that 4am get up, to sledge on wolves through the forest.for hot dog and hot chocolate breakfast in an authentic teepee...

Agree with PP if she was desperate to go on holiday and loves pool type activities normally, but is just being a grouch, then she's ungrateful. If this isn't really her scene at the best of times and not the holiday she would've chosen, then she shouldn't be forced to take part. It's like when I say to my husband that he doesn't get to be pissed off if i don't want to do something I didn't ask for and wouldn't have chosen, even if the intentions were good (for example, when I was tired and knackered after a minor medical procedure and he booked dinner out "to cheer me up", and then was pissed off because I just wanted to stay in and watch telly)

Seeing a swimming pool isn't a priviledge. Really. it's just being too hot in chlorine. I've never liked it and I don't like it now.

Hot chocolate and wolves, yes please.

Any chance she has her period?

Apart from that no one wants to hang out with their parents at that age, I'd let it go.

No you are not a bad mum for letting her sit in the room for a while if that's what she wants to do. She probably isn't miserable as you think.

A swimming pool is a privilege for plenty!

Couldn't abide a kid not wanting to get there hair wet mind

I hate swimming pools. Even when it’s 40 degrees outside, swimming pools, the sea and lakes are always too cold for me. I would rather boil in the heat than go in a freezing pool which then make some feel cold to the bone for hours after.

Dubai in June the swimming pools were 34 degrees so nice and warm, spa pools in the alps, jacuzzis. If the pool if less than 31/32 it’s too cold

Theres lots to do in menorca though. You could do sightseeing and town as well. Wander around, stop for ice cream or lunch somewhere. Take a boat trip out.

I spent 80% of a holiday to Barbados on the hotel room when I was 14 🤷‍♀️ I'm grateful my parents just left me be.

You can always trust MN to play competitive deprivation.

I think it's a bit shit to try to persuade anyone to wear fewer clothes than they're comfortable with. She doesn't need to be in a swimming costume, just a very light summer dress then if she's really too hot she can pour cold water on the dress every now and then, cold flannel on the face, etc.

Hasn't she made any friends? I barely saw my parents on holiday, I was always with groups of people my own age. We did sometimes sit in hotel rooms watching movie marathons so not total escape from screens but we had fun.

Get her a rash vest (long surfing top). I don't like showing off flesh when swimming, and I am also as pale as a ghost so hate having to constantly reapply sun-cream. Having one of these allows me to enjoy the beach or pool when on holiday.

If you really want her to relax and enjoy her holiday, then how about negotiating if she turns up to family dinner each night, without her phone and is pleasant, she can have the rest of her time in her room?

And, breathe out.

Why? It's perfectly valid imo.

That sounds great. No leaving her be is fine x

Its 'competitive deprivation' when someone doesn't agree with you? I'd imagine loads of people would love to be by a pool in menorca.

Gwenyfar, because I wouldn't want a kid who was that fussy and obsessed with looks

Not wanting wet hair isn’t always about looks. I hate the feeling of wet hair.

I find it more bizarre people think a child should be doing activities they don’t want to do on holiday - it’s their holiday too

Aww @workthewobble I think you sound like a lovely mum. I get the hair thing, my 15 year old dd has curly hair which needs a lot of maintenance. On holiday she's always planning the next hair wash!

It sounds like you've reached a reasonable compromise, if your dd is happy spending time in the room, don't worry too much. She'll be in a better mood for it.

It's hard at this age when they start to pull away from you and want to spend more time with their friends or alone. It's all very normal. I have 3 dds and I've always tried to respect their wishes when they want to hole up in their rooms.

My biggest holiday battle is trying to get my 15 year old dd out of bed in time for the hotel breakfast. I don't insist that she comes but she WANTS to, she loves a hotel breakfast, me bringing her a plate of food isn't the same!

I think you sound like a lovely mum OP. Just leave her be, she’ll prefer it and you can relax for your final couple of days :)