AIBU to want my 12 year old DD to relax and enjoy her holiday?

[workthewobble]

We're on our first foreign holiday since 2019. We (me, DH, DD 13 and DS 10) don't usually go for package holidays to busy resorts, more a sightseeing location to European cities with perhaps a day or two of pool/beach but I wanted simplicity, sun and minimal effort after a busy couple of years. So here we are in Menorca. Big mistake. I realise we are lucky to be here but it's been bloody hard work so far. My daughter just cannot cope with the heat, which is not helped by the fact that she is refusing to put on a swimsuit and cool down in the pool! I mean, as per my username I'm fat and wobbly but I don't care enough to let it keep me from the pool. My son is loving it, DH is just about tolerating it. We're not sporty so snorkelling or other water sports are not for us. We hired bikes and they all moaned about it. Jeez, they're hard work! DD would spend the day in the air conditioned room on the phone to her friends if allowed. We've got two more days left. How do I survive this and more importantly, can I get my daughter to enjoy it?

she is refusing to put on a swimsuit and cool down in the pool!

But she is cool - in the air conditioned room ! You're just annoyed that she isn't doing what you want her to do . She is on holidays - let her enjoy herself in her own way.

I absolutely hated hot holidays but my parents insisted that's where we were going. I think just leave her but next time involve her in the planning so she can choose somewhere colder

It’s meant to be a fun time for everyone. If her idea of fun is being in the room on her phone then so be it. Just let her crack on. Not worth arguing over.

Maybe she’s really self conscious about her body- would she wear a t shirt over her swimsuit?

Yes, let go of the idea you have in your head of how she should be performing holiday maker.

I wear board shorts and a rash vest over my bikini - still swimwear but far more coverage, would that help? I expect you could buy some locally.

Is she overweight?

Few things.main one body image.is this why she's not going in the pool or is overheating and hiding herself.this a a major issue,especially for her age and one that needs YOU all to work much harder on.yes all girls have the potential to feel this way but to stop them enjoying life us a huge rd flag and poor girl! Can she do anything.kaftan,spring dresses that show no flesh or outline.
Keep complimentscomingvto her. NOT soul focused on her body.but if she looks good male sure you non cringe tell her so.but other things.her company.if she smiles.how good it is to have her with you ,keep complimenting her lifting her up.
If it's gone further you need to ha e a proper sit down with her and talk about her self worth and how she sees herself.which won't be helped by her comparing beach bodies and online.
Make sure no-one makes any comment on her weight,not even slyly. NOTHING.
No comments on food choices.even in a banter way.
Talk to her of her worth. Point out her beauty.point out her body is her vehicle for her life and her worth is not her weight.
No size or feeling should equate to happiness.
Try body neutrality.list all the things her body does for her.
Make sure weight and size isn't a topic in your family.no comments on your own diet or weight or others.
Tell her to go fuck a society that makes billions of making woman tho k they need to be smaller.and that she's bloody gorgeous.

I agree in part on if she's happy in her room on her phone that's her choice.bug kind of isn't too.come on you still need boundaries with these things.they need you to have boundaries for them too.
At her age she needs to feel worthy and wanted aswell.lije she's part of your family and really important do you want her around.
It's she h a fucking torrent of an age.soooo many insecurities and mixed up thinking.
Can you do something together.
Tell her you understand she wants to chill her way but you want to be with her too.shes the company you want.
But be firm too.im sorry kids shouldn't just be allowed to play inside on phones all day on a bloody holiday especially.
You've got to make her feel good op.id see that as your main thing.
Start by not sayingvthings like your wobbly but still get out there as u said above.what are you saying there.that usually wobbly woman shouldn't show themselves or it's an issue. your already reiterating that fuck ked up narrative on weight.

I wouldn't allow staying in the room. She can still be outside with you. She can be in the shade and go on her phone.

She doesn't have to go in the pool and she could wear some baggier clothes if she doesn't want to show a lot of her body. I think she's being quite ungrateful when you've paid for her holiday.

I have a 13 year old.
i would probably compromise. Let her have a couple of hours in the room on phone in the morning after breakfast. Then it’s phone away / turned off for a few hours to have family time and have another hour later in the day to catch up on messages before going out in the evening.
shame she won’t get in the pool but if sitting under the shade by the pool having a phone break she might feel more like it after a while when she sees everyone else having fun?

Leave her in the room if she's happy.

We have just come back from Florida we have been a fair few times my DD is also 12 and this last time was so different she enjoyed the parks and the pool in the villa but she also enjoyed video calling her friends and that was fine it was her holiday too
I remember in 2019 DS1 was 17 and he didn’t go in the pool once was constant on the phone to controlling gf I ended up calling her and telling her to leave him alone he wasn’t happy but the last few days were bliss he was happy so if she’s happy staying in room then let her just say no screens at meals ans encourage a family walk after dinner when it’s cooler

I was about to come on and say take away her phone. However, I then remembered a family holiday to France when I was about 13 and feeling exactly the same as your dd. Everyone kept trying to force me to swim/play tennis/have "family fun" and I just really, really didn't want to. I hated the heat, was really self conscious about my body/spots and just wanted to hide in the shade with a book (this was before the days of mobile phones of course). I did however manage to venture out to the camp youth disco a few times and snog a French boy 😂

Id leave her be during the day but I would get her to put her phone away at mealtimes - we're off on holiday in a couple of weeks and have told all the dc's they have to hand them over at mealtimes. There does come a point where it's just plain rude and they should also be encouraged to communicate with their families - at least some of the time!

I’d just leave her to it and make her join you for meal times; you can’t make her enjoy it and if she’s happy in the room then so be it.

Yep, let her stay in the room on her phone.
I remember a holiday in Malta when I was her age where all I wanted to do was read and hang out with the new friends I'd made at the hotel.
My parents insisted I go on all the day trips with them, I moaned which no doubt pissed them off, but if they'd let me do what I wanted I'd have had a much better time, as would they.

There is no way in earth you'd have got me in a swimsuit at13. There's a reason why all the girls faked illness for every school swimming lesson. I also hated the sun and exposing my body. Blame society for making perfectly normal girls feel like freaks because they have bodily hair, and periods and wobbly bits, but don't blame your poor daughter for taking her on a holiday that's probably her idea of hell.

Ah you've reminded me of being on holiday with my younger sister when she was around that age - on the beach in Spain and she was in joggers and refused to even take off her socks. It's a tough age body-confidence-wise for a lot of kids: a year or two later and she was back in a bikini.

Has she got cool clothes she feels comfortable in to make the heat as bearable as possible without needing to strip down to her swimwear? (I'm thinking light loose floaty dresses/trousers/ shorts depending on what she's comfortable in).

Other than that though, generally leave her be - or if you really want some time together, try to think of things she might enjoy, rather than things you think she should enjoy.

If you all enjoy the sightseeing then why don't you spend the last couple of days doing that? Being on a package holiday doesn't mean you're forced to stay in the resort, you're still free to go out and spend the day visiting archeological sites or national parks or museums or whatever else. I don't know Menorca at all but I'm sure there'll be some interesting things to do; I think they have some prehistoric megaliths and a really fascinating heritage of Jewish-Muslim-Christian influences which probably shows in the architecture. No pressure, but if no one except your son is really enjoying the poolside then why not go out and do something?

It’s normal to be self conscious about your body at 12… but not to the extent that you won’t swim in a pool on holiday, surely?

I’ve always been self-conscious, and although less so now, I still wouldn't feel comfortable in a communal pool, especially abroad, and I have dc in their 20s! I’d feel really out of place with my white pasty skin and more wobbly bits than I’d like! I love a pool, but it has to be private, with a villa, which is what we book on the rare occasions we go abroad. Even so, I remember one year, one of the dc at an awkward age refused to get in, lest their carefully coiffed hair was spoilt! I think you have to let people be.

But she is relaxing and enjoying her holiday, the way she wants to, just not how you thought she would.

My DS’ are grown up now but as young teens they weren’t interested in pools, wanted to stay in villa chilling with their phones. Wasn’t worth arguing over, we just let them get on with it, and we would go out for a coffee, look around. If we were going out for lunch,they would come out with us, but not interested in attractions/excursions etc. Just part of growing up.

Is she growing body hair? First getting pubic hair while wearing a swimming costume can be an absolute nightmare. Board shorts or other swim shorts can help the omg I missed a bit and is that stubble already stage.

Bit late now as you're already on holiday, but there are options for really modest and covering swimsuits that can help bolster her confidence while going through puberty.

As a mum of a 14 year old dd who is addicted to her phone, I sympathise, she is often a major grouch on our holidays, especially if there is no WiFi. I agree with pp that family holidays are very over rated.
My parents often like to regularly remind me of the time they took a very moody, 15 year old me to Spain, I made their holiday miserable with constant grumpy moods and moaning about the heat, food, culture and found everything boring.

You can get swim shorts and t-shirt, would she prefer that ?

I'd just let her be as there's only a couple of days left.

For the next holiday, involve her in the planning and go somewhere she wants to ... although from experience of teenagers that could still go horribly wrong

For now, let her have the screens and a/c. That's her idea of a holiday.

For the future, heat and beach is overrated, I loathe that. Also DD is a similar age and chose a swimsuit that covers up. Cycle shorts and a top with sleeves. Better for the sun, less damage to the environment with sunscreen and she's a lot happier.

Why on earth would you do that? She has done nothing wrong?

I'd be interested to know if she had any input in the holiday before I called a 13 year old ungrateful.

I remember being dragged on hiking holidays at that age - my idea of hell even now - and then I got told off for not enjoying myself 🙄

Not everyone likes the heat and I think at thirteen it's only fair to at least ask about what she wants from a holiday.