Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want my 12 year old DD to relax and enjoy her holiday?

146 replies

workthewobble · 07/07/2022 14:00

We're on our first foreign holiday since 2019. We (me, DH, DD 13 and DS 10) don't usually go for package holidays to busy resorts, more a sightseeing location to European cities with perhaps a day or two of pool/beach but I wanted simplicity, sun and minimal effort after a busy couple of years. So here we are in Menorca. Big mistake. I realise we are lucky to be here but it's been bloody hard work so far. My daughter just cannot cope with the heat, which is not helped by the fact that she is refusing to put on a swimsuit and cool down in the pool! I mean, as per my username I'm fat and wobbly but I don't care enough to let it keep me from the pool. My son is loving it, DH is just about tolerating it. We're not sporty so snorkelling or other water sports are not for us. We hired bikes and they all moaned about it. Jeez, they're hard work! DD would spend the day in the air conditioned room on the phone to her friends if allowed. We've got two more days left. How do I survive this and more importantly, can I get my daughter to enjoy it?

OP posts:
Original poster
workthewobble · 07/07/2022 16:43

mathanxiety · 07/07/2022 16:34

I suspect the problem is that you planned the holiday based on recollections of holidays when your DD was just a child, with expectations that she would spend her days jumping into the pool and larking about with her brother.

Tween girls change so much between ten and thirteen. Maybe this is your chance to catch up with the fact that she's not a little kid any more and to get to know her and appreciate her as a person developing into the young woman she's going to be.

You need to adjust your expectations of family holidays - there won't be the family togetherness you had before, or the interest in physical activities like bike rides. Sometimes it's nice to take a friend along on a holiday. Sometimes it's nice to take a little mum and daughter break.

Don't let her get too reliant on the phone and be aware that the social lives of 12 year olds are full of drama which many of them find all consuming. Find a way into her life - even if this involves using the phone to swop funny cat videos.

For the rest of the holiday, take time to chat, hug, and tell her youre glad she's feeling able to stick up for what she wants and do her own thing. Don't resent her for preferring the AC and rejecting the pool. The heat is hard for some people, and at twelve she's starting to see herself as less of a little girl and more part of a peer group than a family. All normal and natural.

Yes, you're right that having had our last foreign holiday when she was just 10, she's changed a lot. I'm well aware of that and sensitive to her needs (some might say I pander even...) But I recall the agonies of early adolescence and I just want her to be happy and comfortable. But there are 4 of us in the family and we all have to compromise and sometimes tolerate something we don't like to allow the other family members to have fun their way. And this includes me or her dad playing cards or board games in the room when the heat is all too much. I don't resent her and I think she's a bit surprised herself at how uncomfortable it it for her this year both physically and emotionally! We've all had to realise she's not a little girl any more.

OP posts:
Original poster
workthewobble · 07/07/2022 16:44

SkeletonFight · 07/07/2022 16:42

@workthewobble because you made a point of talking about your weight.....

Yes, I'm overweight but I never mentioned hers, did I?

OP posts:
RainCoffeeBook · 07/07/2022 16:48

I was a very sporty, active teen and I hated my parents insistence on poolside holidays at tacky resorts full of red peeling Brits. I wanted to be off having fun, not sitting in the unhealthy sun. I also had no desire to wear swimming clothes around them as they made awful comments all the time. You need to ask yourself if you're doing the same.

So the first thing might be to ask her what she actually wants to do? She dislikes the heat so find something cooler indoors.

MrsRinaDecker · 07/07/2022 16:48

I love the sun and ds is a redhead! We try to go early or late season when it’s not too hot, but he still spends a chunk of the day inside under the air con with a book / iPad. But he does enjoy in the evening going out for a meal, wandering round the town, looking in the shops, stopping somewhere for a mocktail or ice cream. The beach at dusk is also lovely and relaxing, and she could paddle in shorts if she’s not ok in swimwear. Otherwise I’d just leave her be, but keep inviting her to join you if you’re doing something.

TheFairyCaravan · 07/07/2022 16:57

@workthewobble where in Menorca are you? Can you get to the beach easily? Get some bread from the restaurant, or shop, go down the beach and feed the fish. She won’t have to put a swimsuit on because they come in quite close to the shore, and she’d only be in up to her knees. It’s a wonderful experience and it cools you down. It’s no effort, either.

Maybe you could do that in the morning and she could stay in the room in the afternoon?

Original poster
workthewobble · 07/07/2022 17:01

RainCoffeeBook · 07/07/2022 16:48

I was a very sporty, active teen and I hated my parents insistence on poolside holidays at tacky resorts full of red peeling Brits. I wanted to be off having fun, not sitting in the unhealthy sun. I also had no desire to wear swimming clothes around them as they made awful comments all the time. You need to ask yourself if you're doing the same.

So the first thing might be to ask her what she actually wants to do? She dislikes the heat so find something cooler indoors.

I wish I didn't have to come across as defensive, but you've read a lot into my messages that just isn't there and to be honest, it's extremely unfair. It's a lovely hotel, quite upmarket and not "Bargain-loving Brits in the Sun" or "Benidorm" tv show scene. Which I'm not being a snob about because loads of people enjoy that, but you seem to think that's what we're doing and it's not. Please read my messages again before you trash my parenting skills by suggesting I'd ever insult my daughter or force her to do things she hates. That is the very thing I sought advice and reassurance on!

OP posts:
strawberrylacey · 07/07/2022 17:02

2bazookas · 07/07/2022 14:36

For starters, take away her phone, access to screens and the TV remote.

THIS.

I would be furious if my kids wanted to go on their phones on holiday.

I'd never let my kids pack ipads or tech with them when we go on holiday. The whole point is to get fresh air, swim, go outside, play etc. They can do all the tech stuff when they get home.

FMSucks · 07/07/2022 17:02

I'm with your DD on this. Package holidays are my idea of hell! The last one we went on, my DS who would have been 11 at the time spent an awful lot of time in the hotel room. Would come out in the evenings like a vampire!

He is now 14 and we went to Florida this year. Loved the villa with the pool and messed around in it. Loved the parks too but sat in the shade and ate ice cream when we spent two nights in an exorbitantly expensive Disney hotel. Had no interest in the pools or sitting in the sun at all. Yet he would tell you he loved the hotel!

I think it's normal for their age and you have to meet them half way. You're a great mum for taking her needs into account. I hope you enjoy the rest of your holiday :)

Mrsmch123 · 07/07/2022 17:02

It's her holiday too🤷🏻‍♀️Leave her in the room on her phone if that's what she enjoys. I would insist that she comes for meals tho. Maybe even suggest early morning she comes down to the pool.

Mrsmch123 · 07/07/2022 17:05

@RainCoffeeBook i think your quite rude tbh. Tacky resort....you have no idea what hotel the OP is in🤷🏻‍♀️
lots of lovely hotel across the world.

Stroopwaffels · 07/07/2022 17:07

People are weird. We are in a hotel in Menorca too and there is a pretty even split with uk, Spanish, French and Italian guests. Nothing tacky about it, and nobody’s peeling.

some posters just get off on being rude.

Stroopwaffels · 07/07/2022 17:10

Oh and if op wanted tacky she wouldn’t have come to Menorca out if all the Balearics.

Mrsjayy · 07/07/2022 17:14

workthewobble · 07/07/2022 17:01

I wish I didn't have to come across as defensive, but you've read a lot into my messages that just isn't there and to be honest, it's extremely unfair. It's a lovely hotel, quite upmarket and not "Bargain-loving Brits in the Sun" or "Benidorm" tv show scene. Which I'm not being a snob about because loads of people enjoy that, but you seem to think that's what we're doing and it's not. Please read my messages again before you trash my parenting skills by suggesting I'd ever insult my daughter or force her to do things she hates. That is the very thing I sought advice and reassurance on!

Show quote history

Ignore the holiday snobbery it's says more about them than you .

blubberyboo · 07/07/2022 17:15

on our last holiday in 2019 I remember my 2 teenagers wanted to laze on loungers on their phones, hardly wanted to go in pool or on slides and barely smiled. I kept thinking why did I bother bringing you lot

now! 3 years on they keep going on about that fabulous holiday we had and how they wish they could back.

don’t fight her, she is having fun just with a miserable face!

Mrsjayy · 07/07/2022 17:17

Oh and people love to project negatively I think it's their way of venting . Ignore them too.

wellhelloitsme · 07/07/2022 17:17

JustLyra · 07/07/2022 14:11

Is she enjoying chilling in the room?

If she is then she is enjoying herself. Just not in the way you expected / think she should.

One of the hardest bits of parenting I’ve found is letting the kids enjoy themselves in the way they want rather than pushing the way I think they’d enjoy more.

I think this is really true.

I still love alone time and quiet time on holidays and it doesn't mean I'm not enjoying myself.

It means I can zone out, not think about work (or school when a kid) or 'real life drama' (same for a kid!) on my terms.

Bliss!

wellhelloitsme · 07/07/2022 17:20

2bazookas · 07/07/2022 14:36

For starters, take away her phone, access to screens and the TV remote.

Why though?

She enjoys the evening entertainment as a family I think OP said, so why not let her zone out in the day rather than swim if she doesn't want to?

Spending 24/7 with people would be way too much for me at any age, family included, so what's the difference between her reading a book by a loud pool vs watching tv in the room?

She's still doing family stuff at other times, she just has some say over how she spends the daytime.

I think a bit of autonomy is great at her age, learning how you do / don't like to spend your time and learning how to articulate and explain to others that it's not personal against them if you want alone time, it's just your personality.

godmum56 · 07/07/2022 17:22

Harridance · 07/07/2022 14:30

Snorkeling is hardly sporty, how can you not enjoy floating around in lovely water?

I wouldn't do it

Vikinga · 07/07/2022 17:24

It's a holiday, let her enjoy it how she wants.

A resort holiday is not my idea of a holiday. I'm seeing all these pics on facebook recently of friends just either sitting by a pool or out for dinner. Looks so boring to me. But they enjoy it so that's fine.

My parents live in spain and after a few days of waking up and sitting in the shade, getting hot and having a dip and then waiting until it is cool enough to go out to eat and walking on the promenade...it is quite boring.

I enjoyed it as a young kid when I spent all day in and out of the pool or as a teen/20 something year old when I partied all night.

girlfriend44 · 07/07/2022 17:25

Isn't she interested in meeting any other teenagers there
Are there any teen clubs. Seems a shame to hide away all day.

Some kids that age would love a summer holiday and access to a pool etc

Thereisnolight · 07/07/2022 17:25

So lying by the pool is not for her.
She can hang out in the room some days while you enjoy relaxing by the pool.
Other days…are there any day trips she might like? - whale-watching/paragliding/volcano-climbing/trips to a less touristy part of whatever country you’re in? Some adventure or exploration you could all do as a family. Seems a shame that she and her brother have nothing in common.

Harridance · 07/07/2022 17:26

I wouldn't sit in a hotel room on my phone, seems like a waste of money, the kid can do that at home

SleepSleepRaveAsleep · 07/07/2022 17:29

I don't understand why people are saying take away her phone? "Let her sit in the room but remove her phone" why? I'd just let her be, if she doesn't want to join in, why make her (and you) miserable pushing her? I do remember being that awkward age, although I was quite happy going to the beach and doing activities it was more just being with my family that was the issue. My parents just left us to it when we were that age, we could do our own thing once we were teens, so if we didn't fancy going somewhere we didn't, they went without us. It meant everyone was happy.

BarbedButterfly · 07/07/2022 17:34

She sounds like me. I hate the sun and I get people'd out very quickly. I do normally go back to the room in the afternoon for a few hours to read. But I also hate holidays where you just sit by the pool or beach, so activities like the pedicures may work well.

Honestly, holidays as a teen were hell for me. My mother loves the sun, hates history and museums and just loves lying by a pool for two weeks. They hated that I mainly just wanted to read a book, or go visit somewhere. What I remember from our holidays was the rows because some couldn't understand that their idea of a good time differed from mine. I refused to go on holiday with them after I turned 15 and decline them now too. We are not holiday compatible.

Sounds like you are doing fine.

ReneBumsWombats · 07/07/2022 17:37

I'd try to get her off her phone because being on it all day isn't good for anyone. Maybe some books or magazines. But if she wants to be in the room all day rather than frying or splashing, no issue with that.