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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want my partner to learn how to drive

232 replies

EllieRosesMammy · 07/07/2022 08:04

Just that really. We have two children, another on the way. I drive, my partner doesn't. Meaning that to go anywhere everyone relies on me. I want my partner to be able to drive too so we could split the driving, especially when we go on days out because its exhausting.

He keeps saying he will learn to drive but it never happens. I've got a feeling he's really nervous about it (gave him a go of driving my car round a carpark and dear god it was awful). But everyone learning to drive is nervous surely! If he didn't spend his teen years wasting his money then maybe he would of learned to drive at 17 like the rest of us 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
EllieRosesMammy · 07/07/2022 17:52

Frazzledmummy123 · 07/07/2022 17:47

No, I said if it was the other way around it would be called coercive control. On MN if a man tells a woman what to do it is called this.

Though if someone doesn't want to drive and their partner buys them lessons and sends a instructor to the door with view of 'kicking off' if they don't do it, then that is bullying and controlling behaviour.

I agree with this, I don't want him to feel like I'm ambushing him and that he's forced into doing lessons just because I've paid for them. I'm going to have a proper talk with him tonight about why it's been put off for so long, and see if hes comfortable driving or not.

OP posts:
FrenchBoule · 07/07/2022 17:58

OP, how your DP (and you) is going to travel if you end up having cs and are unable to drive for 6 weeks?

Speak to him and tell him that it’s very hard to juggle family/work being the only driver and you’d expect him to share the load and do something about it (start learning to drive asap).

I would NOT recommend taking him out as you’re pregnant.

Alternatively I would refuse giving him lifts if he refuses to learn to drive.

I’m assuming he’s medically fit to drive and not in genuine predicament as @Maverickess is (so sorry 💐)

HorribleHerstory · 07/07/2022 18:07

EllieRosesMammy · 07/07/2022 09:38

Privelege? I was raised by a single mum, in THE most impoverished town in the UK, worked full time from 16, went to college and paid entirely for my own driving lessons, insurance, tax, MOT and car. Baring in mind I earned £3.64 an hour and my driving lessons cost £18 an hour, you can imagine how hard I worked to pay for them.

He grew up in a "posh" seaside town, lived at home and wasted his money on partying.

Please, PLEASE do tell me how I'm privellaged 😂

I was also raised by a single Mum when I was primary age, and then by no one as she also left due to being an alcoholic, and I stayed with a family friend with occasional visits to an aunt and uncle. The family friend was heavily into a dodgy alternative scene and did a lot of drugs, I witnessed a lot of violence and abuse before he went to jail. His flat was sold, I tried to go to college but was a sofa surfer with no permanent address and had to drop out.

I worked from 11 as I had to buy my own food, I’d go to the supermarket every day after school to buy my own dinner. It was ridiculously hard enough to find out very basic things when I was that age, when you’ve literally never had anyone to ask since being a little kid you don’t know what you don’t know. I had a vague idea that 17 was driving age, but as I wasn’t in the education system, I had been moved around so often to different places, I was a bad influence and had to live in the cheapest area, I didn’t really have any friends my age to compare to or come up with. I was throwing all my energies into getting and keeping jobs, school had done a bit about that, but I had to find out everything else for myself, like how to rent a place to live. I’m sure that comes naturally to some people and they just know about letting agents and bonds and rent and inspections and viewings and where and how to buy a table, a lightbulb or a fridge but I really had no idea. Never mind the actual running of the house and the paying of all the bills and how to open a bank account and all the other things I had to learn quickly. At 17 I had three jobs to pay for a place to live (income tax was a real shock, council tax too, I had no idea) feed myself and keep the lights on.

Even getting a copy of my own birth certificate to apply for a license would have been a big problem. When I finally got a passport many years later I had to go for an interview to check I was who I said I was as I was so unheard of on most official systems, and I was an orphan by my early 20s so had no parental passports. I didn’t even know a post office was a place where you could do things like passports and get forms.

I know all of these things now, I’ve buried both parents, and the aunt and uncle. I’ve put myself through university, I have kids of my own, I have a driving license. My first car had no windows in the back and the back seats were mouldy because the rain came in, the drivers side door would rattle so badly at over 40mph I had to hold it closed with one hand. It was in a way because nobody wanted to steal it.

But you did ask me to tell you how you were privileged.

D0lphine · 07/07/2022 18:15

@Frazzledmummy123 or it could be seen as helpful to arrange something that needs to be done and the other person is avoiding?

Setting a boundary is healthy. "I am not taking on the load of all the driving so you need to learn to drive." I don't see that as being controlling at all- it's setting the boundary, not taking in extra work and not being a door mat.

EllieRosesMammy · 07/07/2022 18:21

HorribleHerstory · 07/07/2022 18:07

I was also raised by a single Mum when I was primary age, and then by no one as she also left due to being an alcoholic, and I stayed with a family friend with occasional visits to an aunt and uncle. The family friend was heavily into a dodgy alternative scene and did a lot of drugs, I witnessed a lot of violence and abuse before he went to jail. His flat was sold, I tried to go to college but was a sofa surfer with no permanent address and had to drop out.

I worked from 11 as I had to buy my own food, I’d go to the supermarket every day after school to buy my own dinner. It was ridiculously hard enough to find out very basic things when I was that age, when you’ve literally never had anyone to ask since being a little kid you don’t know what you don’t know. I had a vague idea that 17 was driving age, but as I wasn’t in the education system, I had been moved around so often to different places, I was a bad influence and had to live in the cheapest area, I didn’t really have any friends my age to compare to or come up with. I was throwing all my energies into getting and keeping jobs, school had done a bit about that, but I had to find out everything else for myself, like how to rent a place to live. I’m sure that comes naturally to some people and they just know about letting agents and bonds and rent and inspections and viewings and where and how to buy a table, a lightbulb or a fridge but I really had no idea. Never mind the actual running of the house and the paying of all the bills and how to open a bank account and all the other things I had to learn quickly. At 17 I had three jobs to pay for a place to live (income tax was a real shock, council tax too, I had no idea) feed myself and keep the lights on.

Even getting a copy of my own birth certificate to apply for a license would have been a big problem. When I finally got a passport many years later I had to go for an interview to check I was who I said I was as I was so unheard of on most official systems, and I was an orphan by my early 20s so had no parental passports. I didn’t even know a post office was a place where you could do things like passports and get forms.

I know all of these things now, I’ve buried both parents, and the aunt and uncle. I’ve put myself through university, I have kids of my own, I have a driving license. My first car had no windows in the back and the back seats were mouldy because the rain came in, the drivers side door would rattle so badly at over 40mph I had to hold it closed with one hand. It was in a way because nobody wanted to steal it.

But you did ask me to tell you how you were privileged.

So because you had a shitty life that makes me privelleged?

Gotcha.

My partner didn't have the same upbringing as you, he had ample oppertunities to be able to learn to drive at 17. So it's not unreasonable for me to question why he didn't do so, and to assume that most people who haven't had the upbringing that you did would also learn to drive when they're of legal age to be able to do so.

OP posts:
TyneTortoise · 07/07/2022 18:22

This reply has been deleted

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wellhelloitsme · 07/07/2022 18:24

@xogossipgirlxo

I have 32 years old male cousin who gets lifts from his parents. He gave up with his driving course, because he couldn't get his head around switching from 1st to 2nd gear.

You say this disparagingly but if he genuinely couldn't get his head around that most basic parts of driving then it's pretty sensible for him not to be driving, no?

Would you rather people unsafe to drive were on the roads?

TyneTortoise · 07/07/2022 18:25

Also OP i completely agree with you.
He doesn’t WANT to isn’t good enough.
Juat like how men who don’t WANT to learn to cook are castigated on here.

If he has other issues, or can’t afford it etc fine but he clearly had plenty of opportunities. if I were you I’d stop driving him around.

My DP also ‘doesn’t’ and I’ve accepted him saying that he’ll wait until he can practice in my car but I’m not taking any excuses after that point. It was also his idea to buy a house somewhere we need a car, he won’t be able to get taxis easily, and I won’t be bailing him out :) He’ll shape up pretty quickly I’m sure

TyneTortoise · 07/07/2022 18:26

@wellhelloitsme @xogossipgirlxo
ever heard of automatics…?

EllieRosesMammy · 07/07/2022 18:28

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Oh that's just classic mumsnet😂

I never asked for anyones reason for why THEY don't drive, I'm fully aware there's a multitude of reasons for why people don't drive. I'm asking if it's unreasonable for my perfectly able bodied partner to not be driving 😂

OP posts:
Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 07/07/2022 18:30

THEY don't drive, I'm fully aware there's a multitude of reasons for why people don't drive. I'm asking if it's unreasonable for my perfectly able bodied partner to not be driving 😂

And OP, the answer is yes. It's unreasonable of him. He needs to get moving with driving lessons. It's not fair for him to continually rely on you for all the driving. There's no medical reason he can't drive, so he needs to learn.

wellhelloitsme · 07/07/2022 18:31

TyneTortoise · 07/07/2022 18:26

@wellhelloitsme @xogossipgirlxo
ever heard of automatics…?

My point is, some people simply can't get their head around it due to their natural abilities / stumbling blocks.

Reading is an essential life skill. Not everyone can read, no matter how hard some of those who can't may try, for various reasons.

I have epilepsy following a drink driver fucking up my life for a good few years and I miss driving and the independence it brought me personally.

I feel guilty my partner is the sole driver in the household even though it's through no fault of my own that he is.

I still manage to be understanding that it isn't for everyone and more aware than most of the fact that anyone who won't be safe on the roads, for whatever reason, shouldn't be.

That doesn't negate OP feeling it's unfair he won't even try (because that is unfair, I agree), so this isn't directed at her.

It's directed at the people on this thread who seem completely unwilling or unable to accept that not everyone can or should drive.

wellhelloitsme · 07/07/2022 18:33

This reply has been deleted

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LOL at people with medical conditions? Have a word with yourself. We don't enjoy not being able to do stuff, funnily enough.

It's no surprise that people try to explain some of the various reasons people may not be able to drive on a thread where people are making comments in general about people who can't drive rather than about OP's situation specifically...

It's a discussion forum. That's kind of how they work.

xogossipgirlxo · 07/07/2022 18:38

TyneTortoise · 07/07/2022 18:26

@wellhelloitsme @xogossipgirlxo
ever heard of automatics…?

Stop with the stupid posts. You know nothing about his personality.

yawn

Eatthecake80 · 07/07/2022 18:54

There is a 7 month wait for tests in my area,my dd failed hers last week an now has to wait another 7 months,all in all it will have taken 2 years to hopefully pass!

EllieRosesMammy · 07/07/2022 19:16

Eatthecake80 · 07/07/2022 18:54

There is a 7 month wait for tests in my area,my dd failed hers last week an now has to wait another 7 months,all in all it will have taken 2 years to hopefully pass!

Oh god, they're still back logged because of Covid aren't they 🤦‍♀️

Best drivers pass 2nd time 😉

OP posts:
itsmellslikepopcarn · 07/07/2022 19:25

I have sympathy for you, OP. DP doesn’t drive either, so if we go anywhere, long drives for holiday, an hour to see his family, it’s always me. None of them drive either so it’s always me doing it. He takes buses to work which takes up to 2 hours, it’s a 40 minute drive.

we can’t currently afford two cars but when we can he will be forced into having lessons.

newbiename · 07/07/2022 19:28

nettytree · 07/07/2022 09:15

My husband doesn’t drive due to his poor eyesight. Does it bother me, no. I love driving. Can’t believe some of you wouldnt even date someone who can’t drive.

Not for medical reasons , but just because they can't be bothered.

Sesimbra · 07/07/2022 19:30

Definitely agree with getting DH to learn to drive an automatic. I am dyspraxic and couldn't believe how much easier an auto is - wish I had tried it decades ago and would never go back.

EllieRosesMammy · 07/07/2022 19:51

itsmellslikepopcarn · 07/07/2022 19:25

I have sympathy for you, OP. DP doesn’t drive either, so if we go anywhere, long drives for holiday, an hour to see his family, it’s always me. None of them drive either so it’s always me doing it. He takes buses to work which takes up to 2 hours, it’s a 40 minute drive.

we can’t currently afford two cars but when we can he will be forced into having lessons.

Are we the same person? 😂

His family also lives an hour away and our work is closer to 2 hours on the bus, or 45 mins by car 😂

OP posts:
Anxiernie · 07/07/2022 20:02

Neither me or DP drive.

I grew up with only one driving parent (also the only one who worked!) and it was never an issue between my parents, it still isn't now.

You shouldn't have moved into a committed relationship with someone if they weren't what you wanted.

Anxiernie · 07/07/2022 20:03

Ultimately you can't force someone to drive. If you're not happy being the driver and he doesn't want to drive, you aren't compatible.

Inkyblue123 · 07/07/2022 20:06

Just buy him lessons; birthday, Xmas, Father’s Day etc until he passes

Keha · 07/07/2022 20:11

My DH took ages to learn to drive. Probably having a child and him wanting to be able to take her out, plus opening up a job opportunity finally pushed him to do it. I did give him a bit of a kick at the start and I think he knew he'd start to look at bit of an idiot if he started and stopped. I do really appreciate being able to share driving, being able to send him to a random shop to collect things etc. You are not being unreasonable, my only suggestion is stop driving him anywhere unless it also for you/your DC.

xogossipgirlxo · 07/07/2022 20:15

Anxiernie · 07/07/2022 20:02

Neither me or DP drive.

I grew up with only one driving parent (also the only one who worked!) and it was never an issue between my parents, it still isn't now.

You shouldn't have moved into a committed relationship with someone if they weren't what you wanted.

I think it depends on family. My mum doesn’t drive and hates being dependant to others. Especially that my parents live in small town with poor public transport, so has to ask my dad, her sister or some friend to give her a lift if she has doctor’s appt in other town etc.