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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to just not go to this dinner - Told DC cannot go

264 replies

feelingthepinch · 06/07/2022 16:36

Not sure what to think on this one to be honest. I've namechanged as will be outing if anyone reads it.

Been with DP almost 5 years. He has 2 sisters, one of which I see alot and we get on well, the other we don't see as much as lives further away. Get on ok but shes always been a bit off with me (she was good friends with his ex wife, so probably she feels a bit awkward or disloyal if she likes me or something). Its never been a huge problem though. We are civil and friendly.

This Dsis is having a milestone birthday meal out at end of July. All DP's family are invited, its a case of the place is booked and we all buy our own food, so she isn't paying for everyone.
We agreed we could go and my exdp was having the dc that weekend so all good.

ExDP has had to go into hospital and although nothing serious looks like it will be hard for him to have the DC on the weekend as planned as it falls after a minor operation. The older DC can stay at home but youngest is 7 and i'm not keen on the others having the responsbility of him for that long as the restuarant is just over an hour drive away.

There are other DC going to the meal, ranging in age from I think about 3 to teens.
Before we asked his Dsis if its possible to bring DC, I called the restaurant to see if needed could an extra chair be put at the table thats booked and they said yes its no problem and we can just let them know the day before. Reason I did this was because if the restaurant couldn't accommodate another person at the table there would be no point in asking his Dsis if we could bring DC anyway and I'd have to sort something out.

But as other Dc are going, Dp then asked his Dsis if we can bring him and she said No. The reason is because we are not married, and he isn't family.

If she'd of said no because there was no room or because no dc I'd of understood completely but the fact she said he isn't family just sort of stung me a bit. No we are not married, but we are engaged and live together and DP has been in DS's life since he was 3.

For the record DS is a very well behaved child, he will sit at a table and behave when out, so the reason is definitely not that hes a child who would misbehave. he is quiet, you'd hardly know he was there. Plus we are paying for our food anyway, so not like he would cost her anything.

I'm inclined to thinking I don't want to go now at all, and won't try and sort other arrangement for DS. DP thinks i'm being silly and too sensitive but its left me feeling a bit disappointed and like I'm basically an outcast and still not seen as part of the family. I do over think, but am I being silly about this or would anyone else feel a bit offended?

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 06/07/2022 16:38

Hmm. I think I would feel the same as you but I suppose she does have the right to have who she wants at her meal. Does seem quite cruel given how long you have been with your DP though.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 06/07/2022 16:40

If it's a large group of people then surely she'd hardly notice the extra person. Does DS know many of the other people going? Perhaps she's worried that he'll occupy all of yours and DPs attention if he doesn't know anyone, or if he's meeting people for the first time then maybe she's worried he'll steal the limelight?

Either way it's mean and if she really wanted you both there she would have allowed it.

CatherinedeBourgh · 06/07/2022 16:40

I wouldn't feel offended but I'd take it that they didn't care whether I was there and not bother going.

CuriousCatfish · 06/07/2022 16:40

I wouldn't go.

Scarletandtheblack · 06/07/2022 16:40

I don't think you are unreasonable in being offended - of course it's up to your sil who she invites, but if there are other children going, it's really rude to single out your DC saying they are not part of the family.

HecatePecate · 06/07/2022 16:42

I also wouldn’t go.

Have you pointed out that you are also ‘not family’?

bridgetreilly · 06/07/2022 16:42

If DS isn’t family because you aren’t married, then neither are you. I wouldn’t go.

Coughee · 06/07/2022 16:43

I'd feel the same as you and probably wouldn't go - Not to make a point or be spiteful but because she's showing you she's really not that bothered about you (which you kind of knew already). I'd accept that was just the kind of relationship we had and not go jumping through hoops or making an effort to find a babysitter. Wish her a nice evening, stay home and have fun with your kid.

Cactuslockdown · 06/07/2022 16:43

That’s horrible OP. I wouldn’t go where my child wasn’t welcome either

Cameronnorrieisabitofalright · 06/07/2022 16:43

When my sil got married my dd wasn't invited as she wasn't family. Didn't bode well for our relationship..
It was non existant the entirety of my relationship with her db.
Your dsis is a Class 1 bitch op.

Stay home ime. You won't regret it.

PeekAtYou · 06/07/2022 16:44

I would send my h and stay at home with the 7yo. While she's technically right, imo it's a bit strange when people treat married/unmarried couples differently rather than judging by length of relationship or whatever. Considering that "SIL" isn't paying, I would assume that you're not welcome until you've married her brother and would stay at home.

zingally · 06/07/2022 16:44

She's perfectly entitled to have an adults-only meal out for her birthday. A child at the table, even a well-behaved, quiet one, changes the dynamic of the group, and the adults won't be able to speak so freely, as they'll be feeling like they have to tailor their topics of conversation for kid ears.

Saying that, she also needs to be okay with the fact that being firm on a no kids policy, may mean that some people are unable to attend.

sunglassesonthetable · 06/07/2022 16:45

I wouldn't want to go. I wouldn't make a big drama of not going.But I'd be hurt.

Your son is well behaved, other children there, there's room and you're paying. Bloody Hell it's just rude and not nice.

Littlepaws18 · 06/07/2022 16:46

I would be so hurt by this. The point is you will officially be family in the very near future and making that distinction of family//" non family is so divisive.

I'm finding this issue but with weddings (I am married to my partner) yet still the children won't be invited. They are old enough to know and old enough to realise they are not invited after been surrounded by wedding talk all year. My solution is husband is going to represent us all and I'm staying home with the kids. We even offered to pay for their place.

But you also seem to have a partner problem too who is minimising the issue. I would talk to him about it in more depth. More than anything you both need to be on the same page.

Princessoftheuniverse · 06/07/2022 16:46

I would feel offended. Different if there were no children going or you weren’t paying for yourselves. I wouldn’t be inclined to go although that might upset your partner. I do think he should be having a word with his sister but even then unless she had a real about turn and willingly invited your son would you want to go? I wouldn’t want to be taking him under sufferance.

ChaToilLeam · 06/07/2022 16:46

You can’t leave a child so young and it’s an absolutely shit reason for his sister to exclude him. I wouldn’t go and wouldn’t be in a hurry to go to any other events she organizes in the future either. Not as if you are asking her to fork out for his meal.

Italiandreams · 06/07/2022 16:46

@zingally OP says there are other children at the event. It’s not adults only , it’s only her child not allowed.

sunglassesonthetable · 06/07/2022 16:46

@zingally it's not an adults only policy. There will be other kids there. Starting at age 3.

ScarlettOHaraHamiltonKennedyButler · 06/07/2022 16:47

zingally · 06/07/2022 16:44

She's perfectly entitled to have an adults-only meal out for her birthday. A child at the table, even a well-behaved, quiet one, changes the dynamic of the group, and the adults won't be able to speak so freely, as they'll be feeling like they have to tailor their topics of conversation for kid ears.

Saying that, she also needs to be okay with the fact that being firm on a no kids policy, may mean that some people are unable to attend.

Read the OP, other children are going.

OP it isn't anything to do with you being married or not, even of you were she would find another excuse. She has told you what she thinks of you and your DC so listen to her and stay away. Don't subject your children to this person and if she questions why you didn't go you can just point out that she isn't your family.

Scarletandtheblack · 06/07/2022 16:47

Zingalley, it's not an adults only meal - there are other children going - ranging from age 3 to teens

LadyDanburysHat · 06/07/2022 16:48

zingally · 06/07/2022 16:44

She's perfectly entitled to have an adults-only meal out for her birthday. A child at the table, even a well-behaved, quiet one, changes the dynamic of the group, and the adults won't be able to speak so freely, as they'll be feeling like they have to tailor their topics of conversation for kid ears.

Saying that, she also needs to be okay with the fact that being firm on a no kids policy, may mean that some people are unable to attend.

If you read the OP, there are other kids going. The OPs just isn't allowed as he's not family.

OP I wouldn't go either in your shoes.

lospolloshermanosass · 06/07/2022 16:48

Does she know your children? Does she have a relationship with them?

Soubriquet · 06/07/2022 16:48

I wouldn’t go either and I would be telling her why if she asked.

“but op…why aren’t you coming to my birthday dinner?”
”oh. I’m not family so I’m not coming”

Original poster
feelingthepinch · 06/07/2022 16:48

@zingally Its not adults only, there are other DC going of varying ages which is why we asked. if it was just adults I wouldn't have even thought to ask at all.

OP posts:
JustFrustrated · 06/07/2022 16:48

zingally · 06/07/2022 16:44

She's perfectly entitled to have an adults-only meal out for her birthday. A child at the table, even a well-behaved, quiet one, changes the dynamic of the group, and the adults won't be able to speak so freely, as they'll be feeling like they have to tailor their topics of conversation for kid ears.

Saying that, she also needs to be okay with the fact that being firm on a no kids policy, may mean that some people are unable to attend.

But she's not having an adults only meal? Clearly stated other kids are going and why the OPs can't.

Read the OP.

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