AIBU to just not go to this dinner - Told DC cannot go

[feelingthepinch]

Not sure what to think on this one to be honest. I've namechanged as will be outing if anyone reads it.

Been with DP almost 5 years. He has 2 sisters, one of which I see alot and we get on well, the other we don't see as much as lives further away. Get on ok but shes always been a bit off with me (she was good friends with his ex wife, so probably she feels a bit awkward or disloyal if she likes me or something). Its never been a huge problem though. We are civil and friendly.

This Dsis is having a milestone birthday meal out at end of July. All DP's family are invited, its a case of the place is booked and we all buy our own food, so she isn't paying for everyone.
We agreed we could go and my exdp was having the dc that weekend so all good.

ExDP has had to go into hospital and although nothing serious looks like it will be hard for him to have the DC on the weekend as planned as it falls after a minor operation. The older DC can stay at home but youngest is 7 and i'm not keen on the others having the responsbility of him for that long as the restuarant is just over an hour drive away.

There are other DC going to the meal, ranging in age from I think about 3 to teens.
Before we asked his Dsis if its possible to bring DC, I called the restaurant to see if needed could an extra chair be put at the table thats booked and they said yes its no problem and we can just let them know the day before. Reason I did this was because if the restaurant couldn't accommodate another person at the table there would be no point in asking his Dsis if we could bring DC anyway and I'd have to sort something out.

But as other Dc are going, Dp then asked his Dsis if we can bring him and she said No. The reason is because we are not married, and he isn't family.

If she'd of said no because there was no room or because no dc I'd of understood completely but the fact she said he isn't family just sort of stung me a bit. No we are not married, but we are engaged and live together and DP has been in DS's life since he was 3.

For the record DS is a very well behaved child, he will sit at a table and behave when out, so the reason is definitely not that hes a child who would misbehave. he is quiet, you'd hardly know he was there. Plus we are paying for our food anyway, so not like he would cost her anything.

I'm inclined to thinking I don't want to go now at all, and won't try and sort other arrangement for DS. DP thinks i'm being silly and too sensitive but its left me feeling a bit disappointed and like I'm basically an outcast and still not seen as part of the family. I do over think, but am I being silly about this or would anyone else feel a bit offended?

A great ending to the situation. The DP is actually loyal to a child he has responsibility for.

What a nasty bitch.

I would definitely not be going, none of us would be.

And I'd tell her why.

"If my son son isn't welcome then we won't be coming , because we are a family"

How mean and unnecessary.

She wouldn't be paying, other children will be there and there's no issue with adding another place.

I am glad to read he has re-thought his response to you.

Loyalty is very important in a relationship.

You wouldn’t need to tell them you know they’re lying, you would just have further proof for yourself what a cow the sil is. It’s perfectly understandable to check first with the restaurant before wasting time trying to see if a child can be invited.

I find this THEY'RE NOT FAMILEE!!! attitude very odd too. It makes me think of Eastenders.
Families are organic. People join and they leave. Through seperation, remarriage, birth, death. If a child is part of your brothers household, to me, they are part of your family at this given time, even if that's not forever.
I don't understand this attitude that your blood is so very precious everyone else is an outsider.

Good ending, I wonder if she will have a change of heart now?

He's not family though. Neither are you. You afe the plus one, not you and your child.

Yes some families will be overtly welcoming but most are not. Your children are not their family.

A partner of five years, engaged and living together is a plus one? When do they become family? Ever?

I disagree. Most families I know would welcome him because I know nice people not awkward unfriendly ones.

Also glad your DP changed his opinion. I wish I could see her face when he tells her he's not going.

But the other children are her family by blood.
Your child is your partner's new family by his choice. That doesn't mean that others have to feel the same as him.
The birthday is her monkeys and circus. So a non issue re sentiments tbh.
It's no different to step children only receiving a card or token gift compared to biological family children. Nice if it's more but shouldn't be assumed.
I also think that if the older children are old enough to be left alone, a 7yo could surely stay with them for a couple of hours.. M

Oh I'd be crossing myself and the kids off the card. Since they're nothing to do with her. But then I'm a petty cunt.

Certainly wouldn't be making excuses either. I'd just say it sounds lovely but as you've pointed out, my partner and her children aren't family and are not welcome so I will not be attending.

Also agree the By Blood is pathetic. Some posters sound as bad as her.

I'm a step-parent, I didn't have children before I met DH. My family and friends have always welcomed my SC.

In those circumstances I would not be gracing the insensitive bitch with my presence on her birthday, nor would she get a gift or card & id tell her. "I know you'll understand that as "not family" we won't be celebrating your birthday with gifts or cards either. Do have a nice time"

& I'd be tearing your DP a new arsehole for not supporting you & your DC too

But the OP is not going out for a couple of hours, it states clearly in her OP, that the restaurant is an hour away, so getting there and back is two hours alone. So with dinner included would be at least four hours? Also, no quick way to get home if they are an hour away? You may parent like that, OP doesn't and she's not wrong.

By not allowing the child to come, they are excluding the OP and by default her DP, so they are excluding their own brother, crack on then and alienate blood, the blood is clearly not bothered about being at the dinner and therefore has chosen to stick by his partner. Good for him!

I like you have put in bold the words that are pertinent, perhaps then you will be able to pick them out and understand them. Something you failed to do with the OP.

There's no need to tear her Dp a new arsehole. Read the update.

You clearly have a decent family and chosen your friends well.

Bloody well done!

We had similar 11 years ago, dh's sister's wedding, we were told no children, which was fine of course.

Only to get there and find we were sat at a table with a 9,12 and 14 year old on it, her friends children. (Mine were 8 and 15 😂)

We were told they weren't children but "young adults"

We don't have any contact with her now, she didn't come to our wedding either...

We will post a birthday card, from all of us, but that’s it.

That just validates her. If you must send a card, let it be from DH alone.

I wouldn't go and to be honest I would hope my partner would reply " they might not be your family but they are mine so we are either all welcome or none of us". If your partner thinks you are being too sensitive about your child being excluded I would rethink marrying him. It's literally his job to have your and your children's backs. If he can't be bothered to stick up for you now what will the future look like?

Just read your update OP. Glad your partner recognises his sister is wrong - but he should give his reason - because his family aren't welcome. He needs to give his sister cause to reflect and realise what a cow she has been and apologise and reinvite you all.

OP has updated, DP has confirmed that he will not be attending either.

Good for him.

Let's see if SIL changes her tune then.

Glad he has your back on that

Love the way your partner has your back, but not making drama. Agree about telling his parents, so they know what's been said.