AIBU to just not go to this dinner - Told DC cannot go

[feelingthepinch]

Not sure what to think on this one to be honest. I've namechanged as will be outing if anyone reads it.

Been with DP almost 5 years. He has 2 sisters, one of which I see alot and we get on well, the other we don't see as much as lives further away. Get on ok but shes always been a bit off with me (she was good friends with his ex wife, so probably she feels a bit awkward or disloyal if she likes me or something). Its never been a huge problem though. We are civil and friendly.

This Dsis is having a milestone birthday meal out at end of July. All DP's family are invited, its a case of the place is booked and we all buy our own food, so she isn't paying for everyone.
We agreed we could go and my exdp was having the dc that weekend so all good.

ExDP has had to go into hospital and although nothing serious looks like it will be hard for him to have the DC on the weekend as planned as it falls after a minor operation. The older DC can stay at home but youngest is 7 and i'm not keen on the others having the responsbility of him for that long as the restuarant is just over an hour drive away.

There are other DC going to the meal, ranging in age from I think about 3 to teens.
Before we asked his Dsis if its possible to bring DC, I called the restaurant to see if needed could an extra chair be put at the table thats booked and they said yes its no problem and we can just let them know the day before. Reason I did this was because if the restaurant couldn't accommodate another person at the table there would be no point in asking his Dsis if we could bring DC anyway and I'd have to sort something out.

But as other Dc are going, Dp then asked his Dsis if we can bring him and she said No. The reason is because we are not married, and he isn't family.

If she'd of said no because there was no room or because no dc I'd of understood completely but the fact she said he isn't family just sort of stung me a bit. No we are not married, but we are engaged and live together and DP has been in DS's life since he was 3.

For the record DS is a very well behaved child, he will sit at a table and behave when out, so the reason is definitely not that hes a child who would misbehave. he is quiet, you'd hardly know he was there. Plus we are paying for our food anyway, so not like he would cost her anything.

I'm inclined to thinking I don't want to go now at all, and won't try and sort other arrangement for DS. DP thinks i'm being silly and too sensitive but its left me feeling a bit disappointed and like I'm basically an outcast and still not seen as part of the family. I do over think, but am I being silly about this or would anyone else feel a bit offended?

^This.

I'd end up choking on the food especially as I'm paying for it never mind the "Happy Birthday" song/toast.

I’d not go. Then if anything was said I’d reply “oh but I’m not family!”

I wouldn't go either, how can you anyway with no childcare.

I don't understand why she would be so petty.

It's a family meal with lots of kids and she's not paying. She won't even notice if your DS is there or not.

What a prize bitch. I can't believe your DP hasn't stood up for you, the disloyal so-and-so.

Yup, me too.

I would actually respond now, saying ' sorry didn't realise it was family only- best cancel my seat, have fun!'

But then I am very touchy😐

Your sister-in-law is a cheeky fucker inviting people to a significant birthday then expecting people to pay for the privilege.

While I think she should have extended an invitation to your son to enable you to go especially as the dynamic wouldn’t really change as all ages are going I do get hacked off with people saying because other children are going it’s all right.

Children aren’t some weird homogeneous group but individuals with presumably a relationship with the birthday celebrant.

You wouldn’t want a strange 50 year old turning up because other 50 year olds are going.

So while I would have made an exception if I were you I wouldn’t go!

What a nasty cow. I would tell your partner that you will not be going as like your dear child you too are not ‘family’.

What a bitch. I wouldn't go.

I wouldn't blame it on babysittiers

Tell the truth you aren't going because you don't feel welcome

If DS isn’t family because you aren’t married, then neither are you. I wouldn’t go.

This!

What a nasty woman. I wouldn't go. Just a thought though, she does realise you want to take one child with you and not all of them?

Your DP needs to stand up to his sister. If it were me I would suggest that DP doesn't go either so that it makes it clear that you, him and the DC are one family unit and should be treated as such .

I'd tell her the exact reason why you aren't going.

What a piece of work she's going to be for you in the coming years OP.

This.

She sounds unpleasant.

She sounds vile. Don't go and hope she gets her drink spat in by waiters for being a rude shit.

I wouldn't go and I wouldn't hide the fact why. Don't make a babysitter excuse because you need to stand up for your DC. She blatantly said he isn't family, which means neither are you but you made the cut because you're with her db. If your db supports this, then I do think there's bigger issues.

So I'm guessing that even if the older ones stayed at home his dad wouldn't be able to cope with just the 7yr old?

I think that what she has said is really odd.

If she didn't want to change what was already booked that might be one thing.

She obviously doesn't care about having you there as she must realise that if he can't go then you can't.

Were any of the kids invited or was she told from the get go that they would be with their dad & it would just be the two of you?

Does your DP live with you or not? If not then it's slightly different I suppose.
Does DP have kids of his own who are going?
I can see your point. She's being mean spirited. She should be embracing her brother's partner.
I wouldn't go either though.

I wouldn't make a big deal of it, but I would not attend. "Sorry, child care issues."

YANBU.

She sounds nasty. Don’t go. Treat yourself and DS to a takeaway instead.

I’d let him go and you stay with DC. She’s rudely made it clear you aren’t welcome.

I don't think you need to make a big thing of it, but I would also be a bit pissed off in your place.

As far as I see it, she's shown that she's not interested in making the slightest effort to accommodate you or your DC. So why would you put yourself to the trouble of organising a babysitter to accommodate her? Let your DP go alone.

That is really really nasty. Absolutely no reason why she wouldn't let your dc go other than she wants to be a cow about it. Don't go, I wouldn't - and your dp should let her know it's extremely bad form of her as well.

Stay at home with your lovely dc and let your dh tell her why.

If she hasn’t met your ds she has not idea that he will behave. However the not family comment is not on!