AIBU to just not go to this dinner - Told DC cannot go

[feelingthepinch]

Not sure what to think on this one to be honest. I've namechanged as will be outing if anyone reads it.

Been with DP almost 5 years. He has 2 sisters, one of which I see alot and we get on well, the other we don't see as much as lives further away. Get on ok but shes always been a bit off with me (she was good friends with his ex wife, so probably she feels a bit awkward or disloyal if she likes me or something). Its never been a huge problem though. We are civil and friendly.

This Dsis is having a milestone birthday meal out at end of July. All DP's family are invited, its a case of the place is booked and we all buy our own food, so she isn't paying for everyone.
We agreed we could go and my exdp was having the dc that weekend so all good.

ExDP has had to go into hospital and although nothing serious looks like it will be hard for him to have the DC on the weekend as planned as it falls after a minor operation. The older DC can stay at home but youngest is 7 and i'm not keen on the others having the responsbility of him for that long as the restuarant is just over an hour drive away.

There are other DC going to the meal, ranging in age from I think about 3 to teens.
Before we asked his Dsis if its possible to bring DC, I called the restaurant to see if needed could an extra chair be put at the table thats booked and they said yes its no problem and we can just let them know the day before. Reason I did this was because if the restaurant couldn't accommodate another person at the table there would be no point in asking his Dsis if we could bring DC anyway and I'd have to sort something out.

But as other Dc are going, Dp then asked his Dsis if we can bring him and she said No. The reason is because we are not married, and he isn't family.

If she'd of said no because there was no room or because no dc I'd of understood completely but the fact she said he isn't family just sort of stung me a bit. No we are not married, but we are engaged and live together and DP has been in DS's life since he was 3.

For the record DS is a very well behaved child, he will sit at a table and behave when out, so the reason is definitely not that hes a child who would misbehave. he is quiet, you'd hardly know he was there. Plus we are paying for our food anyway, so not like he would cost her anything.

I'm inclined to thinking I don't want to go now at all, and won't try and sort other arrangement for DS. DP thinks i'm being silly and too sensitive but its left me feeling a bit disappointed and like I'm basically an outcast and still not seen as part of the family. I do over think, but am I being silly about this or would anyone else feel a bit offended?

Glad I'm not taking this too sensitively. I think I will tell DP I don't want to go, and he can just tell his Dsis its becaue I couldn't get a babysitter for DS.

I didn’t make it clear. I wouldn’t go.

If this is real, I would skip the meal and stay home with DS.

It's not an adults only meal. SIL is singling out OP's DC.
I'd be mad as hell and tbh your DP is a twat for not understanding your reaction.

I wouldn’t go. Your DC comes first and if he isn’t invited you can’t really be expected to go.
I think DSis can have who she wants at her dinner, she has no connection to your DC. However you are also perfectly reasonable to be upset that she feels that way.

feelingthepinch ·
Glad I'm not taking this too sensitively. I think I will tell DP I don't want to go, and he can just tell his Dsis its becaue I couldn't get a babysitter for DS.

I think saying that lets her off the hook.

In answer to a question, she doesn't know my DC or have a realtionship with them. She has met them once briefly, but when we've seen her its usually been just us as a couple as we don't live particularly close. She has never asked about them thinking about it, so I think she just doesn't see them as anything to do with her.
I'm going to tell DP later that I'm not going to go. He can do what he wants.

What a horrible way to treat a 7 year old.

So , does he suddenly become family when you get married? What are you at the moment as you are only engaged?

I'd not go to be honest. All she's done is book a table and then told you your son isn't welcome. It's hardly the starting point of a fun celebration is it.

I wouldn't go after that remark

feelingthepinch ·
In answer to a question, she doesn't know my DC or have a realtionship with them. She has met them once briefly, but when we've seen her its usually been just us as a couple as we don't live particularly close. She has never asked about them thinking about it, so I think she just doesn't see them as anything to do with her.

She’s not a cow then? Just thoughtless.
OP you’re much nicer than I am. 😂

I was ready to say you were BU because I was assuming that no other children were going but this is weird as fuck and really petty and odd of her

I'd not go, you're not married, so you're not family either, throw that back in her face if she asks.

I think it's really mean of her and your DP is playing it down and shouldn't say you're silly or too sensitive. You should stay at home and look after your DS. I'd be wary of her in future. Your DP will be a bit disappointed that you aren't there but that's her choice. Fwiw, I have a DS who isn't my DPs son and he is always invited to any family event on DPs side. If he can't come, they say what a shame not to see him as they want to be polite and welcoming to all of us.

isn your dp upset about her reply that hes not family

why didnt he put her st5raight or say thats a bit out of order

sorry missed a part of your op

silly and sensitive? i think hes a dick

Sounds like she thinks making it difficult for you to attend means she is being loyal to the ex.

I would just withdraw from the whole thing.

Don't attend (even if someone offered to babysit I wouldn't attend on principle).

And don't text her happy birthday or send a card.

Who are the other children going? Are they her children, or are other extended family children going?

This. And where is she going to draw the line? If you’re still not married in 5/10/15 years are you still not welcome at any of his family events?

She sounds like a prick, I wouldn't go

It’s right there in the OP. Couldn’t be clearer.

There are other DC going to the meal, ranging in age from I think about 3 to teens

she’s just being a cow.
I wouldnt go.

I agree with PP's I would not go, that is really bitchy of her. Even if she had said, I'd rather your didn't as I have only met him the once would have been better.

She’s an absolute fucking bitch and not only would I not go, I’d want nothing else to do with her! What the hell has being married got to do with anything. It’s just a bit of paper…

I hope he tells her you’re not coming because you don’t want to and she’s not family so no reason to put yourself out for her.

Tell her to do one. Unbelievable. I have 2 kids and my DP has 2 kids. Both our families see all the kids as our kids. I would be absolutely furious if his sister said this about my child. My DP would be furious too and neither of us would go to her dinner.

There are lots of other kids going so this isn't really relevant.