AIBU to just not go to this dinner - Told DC cannot go

[feelingthepinch]

Not sure what to think on this one to be honest. I've namechanged as will be outing if anyone reads it.

Been with DP almost 5 years. He has 2 sisters, one of which I see alot and we get on well, the other we don't see as much as lives further away. Get on ok but shes always been a bit off with me (she was good friends with his ex wife, so probably she feels a bit awkward or disloyal if she likes me or something). Its never been a huge problem though. We are civil and friendly.

This Dsis is having a milestone birthday meal out at end of July. All DP's family are invited, its a case of the place is booked and we all buy our own food, so she isn't paying for everyone.
We agreed we could go and my exdp was having the dc that weekend so all good.

ExDP has had to go into hospital and although nothing serious looks like it will be hard for him to have the DC on the weekend as planned as it falls after a minor operation. The older DC can stay at home but youngest is 7 and i'm not keen on the others having the responsbility of him for that long as the restuarant is just over an hour drive away.

There are other DC going to the meal, ranging in age from I think about 3 to teens.
Before we asked his Dsis if its possible to bring DC, I called the restaurant to see if needed could an extra chair be put at the table thats booked and they said yes its no problem and we can just let them know the day before. Reason I did this was because if the restaurant couldn't accommodate another person at the table there would be no point in asking his Dsis if we could bring DC anyway and I'd have to sort something out.

But as other Dc are going, Dp then asked his Dsis if we can bring him and she said No. The reason is because we are not married, and he isn't family.

If she'd of said no because there was no room or because no dc I'd of understood completely but the fact she said he isn't family just sort of stung me a bit. No we are not married, but we are engaged and live together and DP has been in DS's life since he was 3.

For the record DS is a very well behaved child, he will sit at a table and behave when out, so the reason is definitely not that hes a child who would misbehave. he is quiet, you'd hardly know he was there. Plus we are paying for our food anyway, so not like he would cost her anything.

I'm inclined to thinking I don't want to go now at all, and won't try and sort other arrangement for DS. DP thinks i'm being silly and too sensitive but its left me feeling a bit disappointed and like I'm basically an outcast and still not seen as part of the family. I do over think, but am I being silly about this or would anyone else feel a bit offended?

It is worrying that your dp is brushing this under the carpet.

Im petty like this - so I wouldnt go.

Fuck that. I wouldn't be going to this or any other event she organised in the future.

I wouldn't go. I know my DH wouldn't either if we were in your same scenario.

I wouldn't go and the reason you can't go is because you have to stay home and look after your child.

If DS isn’t family because you aren’t married, then neither are you. I wouldn’t go.

I agree. If it were me, I would be quoting this to my partner.

You're not being silly op. You absolutely dont need to make other arrangements for your child. Your partner can go by himself.

You can have a nice evening at home with your own family 😀

She doesn't sound very nice. I wouldn't want to celebrate with her. And I'd tell her why.

Your dp needs to have a think about how he views your relationship.

Me too.

Please don't let DP say it is because you can't get a babysitter. Say I am not family either so I realise I can't come. If DP is really a "D"P he would actually say you and your children are actually his family.

Really mean of her to not include your son. Good you've decided not to go.
Stay home, do something lovely with your son and don't give her party a second thought.

Yes but the reason he’s not invited is because OP is not married to her DP, despite the fact they’ve been together 5 years. If they were married the child would be going. That, in my book, is bitchy, judgemental and unreasonable and I wouldn’t want to go.

If this were a private party then I’d say it’s her choice, but it isn’t. It’s a public restaurant, you’re all paying for your own food! I’d go and I’d take the children. She’s being unbelievably nasty.

It's not worth getting upset over. This is a woman you barely see. She doesn't see why her brother's girlfriend's child should be invited because she has no relationship with the child and barely has one with you. You're only invited really because you're the partner of a family member. Go or don't go, it isn't important.

I don't think your partner's extended family are obliged to regard your children as their family too. Especially if they don't really know them. But she knows you cannot attend unless you bring your son, so is being needlessly mean in saying no. One well behaved 7 year old doesn't change the dynamic, since other children are also present and therefore it won't be a rowdy event unsuitable for kids.

I would be concerned that my dp hadn't told her she was being mean and that is willing to see you feel excluded. He is marrying a woman who has children, so imo has some responsibility to be advocate for them and want them to feel welcome in the wider family. It's a big gathering, that you are paying your share of, so there's no reason beyond mean spiritedness to exclude your DS.

I wouldn't go, but I would also be clear why I didn't go. If my fiancé was happy to go anyway, I'd be questioning his commitment to me tbh.

How did the rest of that conversation go with your dp and sil?

I think your dp is massively out of line calling you over sensitive. He’s under sensitive if he didn’t call her out on that.

Sorry got caught on club pick ups and dinner. I’ll try and answer some of the questions.
no I wasn’t the ow, I came on the scene about 2 years after they separated.
she hasn’t really met the dc because when we’ve visited her we done it when dc with their dad as it’s well over an hour away and just easier tbh as dont have to work around clubs, older dc weekend jobs etc. plus her dc are older (20’s). She’s never visited us.

exdp could cope with just the 7yo but as he’d of only just had the operation I didn’t want to put that on him really if it was easy just to take ds with us.

dps parents have met ds lots and he’s always been well behaved and they seem to really love him around.

my others are teens so fine to stay home on their own.

she knew it was just ds and not all of them we’d asked if could come.

dp and I moved in together about 2 1/2 years ago, but been together almost 5.

Do some posters really not bother to read the OP at all? 🫤

I wouldn't go and i’d tell ‘dsil’ exactly why i was not going.
don’t lie

I also would not be impressed with my dp if he also was not upset by this

This would be my thoughts exactly.

AND I'd be somewhat annoyed at DP for not defending you all either. Does HE not consider you family either? I certainly don't think you are being sensitive. I think this is somewhat of a statement on behalf of his family

Not being family works both ways. I’ve had not being family thrown in my face a lot over the years.

Now that certain people are older, and certain people want me to chip in and help, I remind them that “I’m not family”.

I don’t think the dc were originally invited. It was just an invite saying about where and when for the bday dinner, but actually didn’t mention or not mention the dc.

the other dc that are going are dc of his other sister, plus some cousins dc ( not sure if their ages but from memory of meeting them a couple years ago they range around 7 - 12 years) and the youngest is her grandchild of her eldest. Who is 3. Not sure about any others.

I wouldn't want to go. You have extenuating circumstances due to your original childcare arrangement being cancelled and, whether your child is family or not, any decent person would have said to bring him along. She's obviously not a decent person, so I wouldn't want to celebrate her birthday anyway to be honest.

She sounds like an arsehole and I wouldn’t even want to celebrate her birthday. Don’t bother going, she won’t care if you do or not anyway, let DP go on his own and in future even when you’re married, don’t go to anything she invites you to.
Also drop her outta the wedding, on account of her not being family.

I wouldn't dream of going and I would be beyond pissed off at your partners attempts to put you down and dismiss your feelings.

Being told you are "too sensitive" is what pricks say to excuse bad behaviour.

YADNBU

Is she worried that is she extends the invite to one you would actually bring all (I don’t know how many, 3? 4?). If so, considering she doesn’t know them, well actually I don’t think I would want a small group of children I don’t know at my significant birthday meal either. Unless it was a very large party of course, but it sounds like this is a dinner.

Also considering you haven’t got to know this sister very well, I’d think it was pretty cheeky of you to ring the restaurant about her booking and ask about adding in extra chairs.