AIBU to just not go to this dinner - Told DC cannot go

[feelingthepinch]

Not sure what to think on this one to be honest. I've namechanged as will be outing if anyone reads it.

Been with DP almost 5 years. He has 2 sisters, one of which I see alot and we get on well, the other we don't see as much as lives further away. Get on ok but shes always been a bit off with me (she was good friends with his ex wife, so probably she feels a bit awkward or disloyal if she likes me or something). Its never been a huge problem though. We are civil and friendly.

This Dsis is having a milestone birthday meal out at end of July. All DP's family are invited, its a case of the place is booked and we all buy our own food, so she isn't paying for everyone.
We agreed we could go and my exdp was having the dc that weekend so all good.

ExDP has had to go into hospital and although nothing serious looks like it will be hard for him to have the DC on the weekend as planned as it falls after a minor operation. The older DC can stay at home but youngest is 7 and i'm not keen on the others having the responsbility of him for that long as the restuarant is just over an hour drive away.

There are other DC going to the meal, ranging in age from I think about 3 to teens.
Before we asked his Dsis if its possible to bring DC, I called the restaurant to see if needed could an extra chair be put at the table thats booked and they said yes its no problem and we can just let them know the day before. Reason I did this was because if the restaurant couldn't accommodate another person at the table there would be no point in asking his Dsis if we could bring DC anyway and I'd have to sort something out.

But as other Dc are going, Dp then asked his Dsis if we can bring him and she said No. The reason is because we are not married, and he isn't family.

If she'd of said no because there was no room or because no dc I'd of understood completely but the fact she said he isn't family just sort of stung me a bit. No we are not married, but we are engaged and live together and DP has been in DS's life since he was 3.

For the record DS is a very well behaved child, he will sit at a table and behave when out, so the reason is definitely not that hes a child who would misbehave. he is quiet, you'd hardly know he was there. Plus we are paying for our food anyway, so not like he would cost her anything.

I'm inclined to thinking I don't want to go now at all, and won't try and sort other arrangement for DS. DP thinks i'm being silly and too sensitive but its left me feeling a bit disappointed and like I'm basically an outcast and still not seen as part of the family. I do over think, but am I being silly about this or would anyone else feel a bit offended?

Just noticed in your Op you've been together 5 years too - hardly a new relationship! She's a real piece of work isn't she?

What does your dp think of it all?

She is not being unreasonable, but neither are you not to go. You’re not obliged to go, it’s not as if she’s your sister. I’d stay in and have a nice evening with your son whilst DP spends time with his sister.

What a strange mindset in this day and age, unless she is of a different culture? I wouldn’t go either, she doesn’t see you or your child as family so I wouldn’t waste my time.

This is a similar, although not exactly the same, scenario as another thread recently which involved a step mum and step child and the responses to that were interesting to say the least.

She has handed you a ticket to get out of any event where she is involved by saying your Ds is not family.
Treasure it and use it on any occasion you don’t want to go to

Sorry don’t know where the quote came from

That is appalling behaviour. I would not go and she needs to hear that you don’t think it was very nice of her. Because it really wasn’t. I’d pull her up on it. Did you actually ask her why?

Sister in law is a CF and I wouldn’t go and would tell her exactly why.

Similar thing happened in DH family and resulted in his stepdad no longer speaking to his half brother. Stepdad’s full siblings were always welcoming and inclusive.

@zingally I would agree with you, if it was a meal for adults only. But other children are going

I wouldn't lie - I'd say that I'm not going because if my son isn't considered family, I'm not considered family. Let her squirm.

In the first instance I would have thought it perfectly reasonable for a well behaved 7 year old boy to go to his dads with his siblings, minor op or not. Many people look after their children alone.

In the second instance I would have expected my current DP to say then none of us are coming because @feelingthepinch child is my family and if he is not welcome then I am not coming alone.

I would then expect him to go further and tell everyone else why he had declined the invitation.

So I think YABU not to send your child to your ex dp but YANBU to be hurt by her comments.

Quite frankly how could you celebrate with her after she has said that? So the first point is now mute.

What a cow.

She’s a cow for not inviting him. What difference does a stupid piece of paper make to ‘being family’ or not.
Your husband must support you on this. He should say he won’t go if your son can’t.

If that were me (and it's obviously not), I would stay at home with my child, let it be known why I was not attending and be peed of with 'DP' for not supporting his partner and her child.
But, I'm overly sensitive, maybe?

I think what she's said is awful and really discounts your child and the importance of your child to both you and your partner.
So if you were to get married next week, he'd suddenly be allowed to go?
It's utterly ridiculous.
And I do wonder what your partner is thinking about this? Is he not upset?

I don't think you're being sensitive at all. I think it's really awful she's said this and I personally would not be going.

She's not very nice is she? I wouldn't go.

She is not being unreasonable

She bloody well is! Did you miss the bit where OP said several other young children are attending? Including 3 year olds?

I would actually see this as a real test of my relationship with my dp - even in the early days of our relationship dh would never have let a family member get away with doing something so rude and obviously nasty. Your dp should really step up here and say something - he doesn't have to be aggressive but he should absolutely call her out on it.

I'm inclined to thinking I don't want to go now at all, and won't try and sort other arrangement for DS. DP thinks i'm being silly and too sensitive

I would be more pissed off with your DP for saying that, tbh!

Yanbu at all — I certainly wouldn’t be going after that; and though it’s up to him, if I were your DP I wouldn’t be going either until the sister can cut it out and show his fiancee and his future stepchildren some respect.

Not family! My blood would be boiling.

What a horrible way for her to behave. Well if he’s not family neither are you. I wouldn’t go - and I would make damn sure everyone knew why (do not make excuses for her).

Oh, and your DP should be backing you up, not saying you are silly!

I wouldn't go. DP cann go by himself. It's his family, not yours.

It's your DP who should be getting the anger. He should be sticking up for you and his (near enough) stepchild.

I think I’d thank her for your invitation but-decline politely due to lack of childcare. Let your DP go alone if he wishes, but don’t let that snide woman know she’s hurt or upset you.

i understand it’s her birthday but he’s 7, she needs to give her head a wobble.

I'd book his place and take him anyway

I think she’s just being a dock, as you’ve identified. Have a nice time with your DS doing something fun instead.