Teacher insulting my daughter

[Lua1978]

I work as a teacher at the same secondary school my daughter attends. In the staff workroom yesterday, a couple of teachers were discussing which two pupils they'd overheard saying something about something another pupil had done which they needed to report as a safeguarding concern.

When one of these teachers (who clearly has no clue it's my daughter she's referring to) starts going into great depth discussing one of the girls appearance as they couldn't remember her name... all very personal comments. She then remembered the pupils name and said "oh yeah it's (dds name)" she's got a very unusual name and the only one in the school for sure.

TBH if they had said poorly applied fake tan and skirt rolled up to short I'd have thought fair enough! I'm not overly precious about my daughter but these comments were really personal. I just sat there absolutely stunned and then walked out as honestly I was going to lose my temper or cry if I didn't and I'm normally a really calm person who doesn't get worked up about stuff.

Should I report it- it was really unprofessional, obviously she had no clue it's my daughter but it was so derogatory

School staff rooms are safe places were it is common practise for teachers to vent about pupils and even the parents.
What is more peculiar is the fact you work at the same school as your DD but the staff don’t know!!

I think you should have said something at the time, whether it was about your daughter or not.
Ranging from, "mind what you say about the kids appearances please" to "what did you just say about my daughter?"
Bit bloody useless 'reporting it' after the thing.

Not everyone can react in the moment. Especially not in an appropriate way.

Some people shouldn't. I'm better off taking my raging ass in a dark room, calm down,sort out my thoughts and then take action if needed.

I totally understand your reaction to this and feel for you. The teacher is virtually SLT which must be intimidating if you've started recently. I really think you should escalate it though, even a conversation with her senior at first. A teacher of that level should not show such a poor example of behaviour, also she should make it her business to know if staff have children at the school. Regardless of whether it was about things your daughter could or could not change, no teacher should launch a personal attack like that on someone's appearance and should be pulled up about it.

"adult bully"

It isn't bullying.

@K8shrop Would Janice have a right to raise a complaint based on another colleague making her feel uncomfortable by discussing her appearance in a derogatory manner with other colleagues? Yes 100%.

To anyone rude enough to feel it's ok to describe someone (especially a child) like that, then I can imagine they'd have their fair share of disciplinaries. Well in a normal workplace anyway, seems if you're a teacher you can say whatever you like about anyone at any time.

If I was describing someone, I can assure you I would never mention their weight. "Long brown hair.. was wearing a purple jumper the other day, sits beside laura", would be very different from "the one with the greasy hair, never shuts up, could do with hitting the gym every so often".

This

As said time and time again not acceptable in most workplaces. I’m really shocked this is acceptable by so many teachers on this thread.

@Murphs1 OP described her other daughter as "tall and slim" which is a description of their weight. Is this allowed?

Oh come on,@Confusion101 slug eyebrows, face like a slapped arse, and big is being rude and unpleasant as well as disgusting coming out of a teachers mouth.

What is more peculiar is the fact you work at the same school as your DD but the staff don’t know!!

Not peculiar at all. Lots of teachers' kids at my school. I only realised yesterday a Head of Department's daughter is in my netball team. There is no 'list'.

I do think the language used by the SLT woman was appalling. However, while I would never say such awful things, I do sometimes have a moan about pupils - 'ong he's one of the laziest pupils I've ever met' etc. I say things about them in the staffroom I would not say to the parents or pupils. I'm sure that's the case for my two sons too. So yes - by all means report it as that was put of order... but do remember that teacherparents are in a unique position in the school and this probably won't be the only time that position gets conflicted or awkward.

yes, ones attitude normally wears fake tan. Behave.

I work in a school and summer care and regularly have to subtly describe pupils.

"Girl at the front, brown curly hair, purple pencil case, usually with X, has glasses, has a fringe, boy in the red hoody, has a blue schoolbag" that will do.

However, i'm intrigued to know a safeguarding situation that was being discussed in a corridor by two pupils which then had to be discussed in a staffroom (!) by staff to the point that the staff had to know everything about the girls' appearance. If they knew her name, why was this conversation taking place?

I call bollocks, on all fronts.

But no, in answer to PP, it is NEVER okay to talk about a pupils' appearance. ever.

You know it was OP thar described her DDs tan... Not the teacher? 😅 OP used it as an example of a comment she would've been OK with

beautyisthefaceisee

I was talking another the expression
’face like a smacked arse’
it’s about being sulky/grumpy not appearance.
victoria Beckham has one.

Maybe it's time they become less safe spaces if that's the sort of venting going on. It's appalling, people trust their children with these people.

Most professions have a space where we talk about people. Teachers do it, nurses do it.
In this situation I just would have said to her “that’s my daughter” and watch her reaction. She’d be mortified.
I now live in a regional town after moving from a big city, I’ve learnt to keep my mouth shut and just chat with my husband later.

Most professional people don't mock their clients'/pupils'/patients' looks! I have never worked in a place where this was considered normal. Venting about behaviour- yes. Mocking looks - no!!!

I can’t understand why these replies are so harsh - I would have felt and reacted exactly as you did!

Theres absolutely no need for personal comments like that! Yes I understand teachers might let of steam as anyone in any job does about clients, customers, etc but not nasty comments about kids appearance. That’s just not on.

Obviously it can't always be helped as to where one works but I'd never work in the sane school as my DC

Ok I’m going ask a stupid question…. But how exactly was she supposed to do it if she didn’t know your kids name?

”It was and Helen and another girl… No I don’t remember her name. You know the teenaged one, wearing a uniform, with hair, and umm teeth, I think she had eyes too”

Of course she’s going to describe personal things that are unique to your daughter. How else would anyone have a clue who she was talking about.

So are you now saying the conversation went like this?

“It was and Helen and another girl… No I don’t remember her name.
You know the one with the slug eyebrows, face liked a slapped arse, you know the bigger girl… oh Deloris that’s right, how could I forget Sluggy brow Deloris, can’t miss her with that slapped arse face, yes good old big Deloris…So anyway Helen and Slugbrow Deloris were overheard saying…”

That would seem very odd.

I really hope you report the teacher. And I think it is fine to report her on the grounds it was your daughter. You are a human being, you are allowed to feel protective of your child. Imagine how much worse it could have been for the offending teacher if you had been only a parent, not a teacher.

It isn’t ok to talk about people in this way. It’s especially awful in the context of trusted adults talking about children. So disrespectful.

In my work no one talks in this way, it’s a behaviour peculiar to very unpleasant people and clearly it is totally unprofessional.

you don’t have to justify why you feel hurt either or how your daughter looks. If she was 25stone and had orange dreadlocks she is just as deserving of respect.

That is a stupid question.

If you honestly don’t know how to describe someone without saying things like ‘face like a slapped arse,’ ‘slug eyebrows’ and ‘big girl,’ that suggests a serious issue with you.

Or as I think is more likely, you’re being deliberately obtuse because you enjoy piling on the OP for no reason.

The fact that it's your daughter makes it difficult for you, but it's ultimately irrelevant. Do these, or any other teachers, make comments about pupils' appearances normally?

@Lua1978 how did the teacher she was talking to react? And the others in earshot? Was it uncomfortable or were they laughing away together? That might give you insight into whether it’s just this one teacher or if there’s a general issue in the school.

@saltinesandcoffeecups a grown adult should be able to describe someone without being rude, or making a personal attack on the person their describing.

I would confront the teacher (not aggressively), and in a neutral tone ask if she makes a habit of slagging pupils off in front of their parents? She'll presumably say 'no'. At which point I'd tell her that she did just that the other when she described your daugher as XYZ. Then stop speaking. She'll either try and blow/laugh it off or bluster some rubbish about not meaning it. But either way you'll have made your point that you're well aware of what a bitch that other teacher is.