Teacher insulting my daughter

[Lua1978]

I work as a teacher at the same secondary school my daughter attends. In the staff workroom yesterday, a couple of teachers were discussing which two pupils they'd overheard saying something about something another pupil had done which they needed to report as a safeguarding concern.

When one of these teachers (who clearly has no clue it's my daughter she's referring to) starts going into great depth discussing one of the girls appearance as they couldn't remember her name... all very personal comments. She then remembered the pupils name and said "oh yeah it's (dds name)" she's got a very unusual name and the only one in the school for sure.

TBH if they had said poorly applied fake tan and skirt rolled up to short I'd have thought fair enough! I'm not overly precious about my daughter but these comments were really personal. I just sat there absolutely stunned and then walked out as honestly I was going to lose my temper or cry if I didn't and I'm normally a really calm person who doesn't get worked up about stuff.

Should I report it- it was really unprofessional, obviously she had no clue it's my daughter but it was so derogatory

Spot on.

If you are going to speak with them direct, to cover your back ensure you have a 3rd person there with you. Someone who can act as a mediator between the two of you and a witness and for any possible complaints that may come from it. Preferably someone you can trust but not a particular ‘friend’

You do realise lots of teachers over the world are sacked for misconduct? Drinking on school grounds, grooming, abuse, rape etc…

OP, report them. Totally unacceptable. I agree with a PP, it’s probably not the first time they’ve done this.

I wouldn't have walked out, I would have confronted her then and there.

I’d have to have a word with her. It’s not on

Yep, because being bitchy behind people’s back is absolutely the kind of attribute you want a teacher to have.

I’d have politely ripped her a new one

I do. I worked in a school (admin doing first aid etc, previously I was a nurse) and the way some teachers talked about pupils. I went over and spoke to the PE teachers one lunchtime about their laughing at one boy - A sweet lad who I saw regularly as he needed his spare inhaler or antihistamines on a regular basis. Very tall for his age and always tripping over his pwn feet.

OK he would never be the sporty kid. But he didn't deserve their derision.

Another time there were very personal comments made about the daughter of a Head of Year, and what kind of 'slag' she was.

if a parent who didn't work at the school overheard it being said about their child, would they report it?

Just because you work there does not mean you shouldn't report it. If they crossed a line, it needs to be raised appropriately.

I think there are a few comments on here assuming that you probably say the same about other students, so shouldn't report this. Which given a lot of responses are also from teachers, isn't painting anyone in the best light.

In a professional workplace, you would not, ever, get away with sitting in a staff room making comments on another colleagues appearance. And if you did, it would go straight to HR and be dealt with accordingly. I'm really not sure why people feel a teachers staff room should be any different.

very awkward. Always feel it’s very off criticising a teens appearance - they are so young and finding their way in the world we all looked pretty dodgy at 15. Even worse if it’s an adult in a professional capacity. Don’t know what I would do in your shoes but have a hot temper so would likely have said something at the time but not sure that’s the right thing to do either

It is not a great idea to be teaching at the same school that your child goes to. Maybe your daughter is being a brat because she is trying to prove to her friends that she is no goody goody because you teach there. By hearing this conversation you have an unfair advantage over other parents. I am sure this teacher now knows it is your daughter. Let it go,

Spoken by someone who has never worked in a school.

OP how secure is your job vs theirs? If you've been there long enough that you'll be taken seriously, I'd flag it up with someone senior. If you're relatively new and they're part of the furniture, I'd handle this with kid gloves especially if you're on a short contract. School politics is a complex beast.

You need to get clear on what outcome you want because someone who speaks nastily about the children is often vindictive and you need to be sure your course of action isn't going to negatively impact your daughter or yourself.

Speaking to them directly after the fact will just make them look around the room next time to check you're not there. The best response would have been "Oh, you mean my daughter?" (Paddington Bear stare) at the time, but obviously that moment has passed.

The OP doesn't say what the comments were, so you have no idea what 'presentation' has to do with what was said.

If someone describes a child as 'that boss-eyed one with the massive nose and the horrible scabby acne', how would you suggest that child 'improve their presentation', exactly? Book in for surgery? Wear a bag over their head?

Even if it is a 'presentation' thing ... why on earth do you imagine that a child's goal should be to make themselves aesthetically pleasing to you? You're not there to enjoy looking at them. You're there to teach them. Your only concern with their appearance should be whether it meets the uniform requirements, nothing more. It is utterly mad to think that a pupil at a school should build their self-image around what you think is nice to look at.

I’d say something direct - have a word calmly and quietly and remind them that nasty comments are unacceptable

I’ve worked in schools previously and have had nasty things said to me about students - which I’ve challenged

as a careers adviser ‘what’s she going to do a btec in lap dancing and slagging about’ and ‘well he’s hardy going to amount to anything he’s a knuckle dragging thicko’

teachers can and do say things like this in the staff room

I hope it was supposed to be ironic.

Teachers aren't supposed to have sex with pupils, and somehow it happens too.

Not sure I'd have been able to keep my mouth shut at the time of hearing the other teacher say derogatory or very personal things about my child; or any child for that matter. She needs to be very firmly told!

I don't think what they said was offensive;they said your daighter had a strange unusual name-sorry op yabu, it's hardly offensive. Whay else exactly did they say?

I think it depends exactly what was said.

It really depends on what the comments were. If they were simply descriptive then I don't see the problem. If they were genuinely nasty and cruel, then I would talk in the first instance to the teachers involved, and if still not satisfied, you could make a complaint to the head of department.

Exactly.

How could your colleagues not know she's your daughter??

Aside from being rude about your daughter surely safeguarding concerns shouldn't be being discussed in a staff room where lots of people can overhear private information.

The whole situation seems very unprofessional.

I would raise both points directly with the teacher involved. If no one points out mistakes then they can't be corrected.

Yes I'd report it for sure. It is out of order and even if it was not your Daughter, she should not be talking about a student in that way.

Shockingly unprofessional. Even if it wasn't your own daughter. I work in an office and if someone was derogatory about one of our more challenging clients I'd be having words directly

unless you are manager or authority figure what right do you have and hardly 'shockingly', I worked in schools for years and bitching about students was common.

@NippyWoowoo @CoastalWave

Sorry, are you saying that you find it MORE concerning that two colleagues, who may not have worked together long, or may not be in the same departments etc, do not know the names of each others children, than a grown adult making derogatory comments about a child's appearance to another grown adult. A child who has been trusted into their care. A child who did not ask to have their appearance scrutinised and used against them by a grown adult who is being paid to teach them.

Sorry, but if so, that's the weirdest take I've seen on Mumsnet in a really long time.

To the posters saying how did they not know it was your daughter if she has an unusual name - not every woman takes their husbands name , with it not being 1948, and if you are not married a child may have the fathers surname, but not the mothers.

The OP needs to have a think about whether they would have been bothered if it wasn't their daughter they were talking about - and be honest with herself about that. She can't just be outraged because it was daughter. Commenting negatively about students is either OK or it's not.