Would you go to a party if you knew your invitation had been an after thought?

[coodawoodashooda]

I know I received my invitation at least more than a fortnight after everyone else. I wasn't keen on going and now I realise my invite was after everyone else's I really don't want to go. Aibu?

Lots of people cutting off their own noses here. It's a party, who cares when the invitation was sent, who cares if you are 'a' or 'b' list - you are on the list, you could have not been invited at all.

Decline if you'd rather not go but don't make it about whether you were top of the list of people to invite because that is ridiculously petty.

Possibly. I just don't think I can. I am very overweight and the idea of being fake cheerful seems too much. Especially when I wasn't really on the guest list.

Go if you want to go. Don’t go if you don’t. But it really doesn’t need to be a big deal about when they invited you.

I wouldn't go as i'd feel unwanted if the RSVP date had passed well before you got the invite and you know everyone else got their invites a while before you did.

No, I have friendships dating back 45 years. But the world is full of fun and interesting people, so I also like to be open to meet some of them now and again. I enjoy a diverse social life and have friends from different backgrounds and age groups, some of whom would not have been born at the time my long standing friendships were formed. I find it very enriching. I do understand other people prefer to stay within their comfort zone though. We're all different after all.

Seriously i wouldn't read into that. In my circles that wouldn't be unusual and I wouldn't think anyone invited later was an afterthought (including myself). Someone is having a party, thought of you and decided that they wanted you to be there.

If you are honest, since your divorce have you retracted a little from social life (which would be totally understandable)? People may have thought that you were not up for the party, that it would be difficult for you attend events that you would have previously attended with your partner. Now the dust has settled, this may their attempt to coax you back into things.

Am I the only one who has never had an rsvp date to a barbecue? Is this a thing? Was it a written invitation or something?

You really wouldn't be embarrassed? If you got an invite today and it said rsvp by 20th June you genuinely wouldn't be fussed?

Yes. It's a big birthday

I'd still feel fat, single and boring

you keep mentioning that you are fat, you’ve mentioned your weight in pretty much every post. Your self confidence won’t improve if you keep hiding away. They really won’t care if you are fatter than when you last saw them!
Go! I think it will probably do you good and, once you’ve been, you will be glad you went. You will be reconnected with them and things won’t feel so awkward next meet up.

I honestly wouldn't be embarrassed. They are not trying to disguise the fact either - which makes me think they have just gradually extended the guest list as and when they thought of other people who they want to invite. There could be a multitude of reasons why.

I would make a decision to go based upon whether I like the host, the other guests likely to be there and it fitted in with other plans.

If you want to get back into this social group then go. It doesn’t matter it was late. But don’t drink too much, as it won’t help you stay in control of your emotions. You sound, unsurprisingly, defeated op. Do you need help, perhaps some anti depressants to give you a boost? Mindfulness apps? If you’re unhappy within yourself then what can you do to change that? Go walking, get fitter? You have had a tough time and there’s only you to change your mindset and aim for the life you want. Good luck

In your situation I would book to do something better on that day, ie. buy a theatre/concert/museum ticket, arrange to see another friend for a picnic or plan a special visit family and then tell the people who invited me that I can’t make it. I would also make sure that I posted pictures of my lovely day out on social media. I did this a few times soon after my divorce to avoid events with smug married couples!

I hear you on so many levels - can you take a friend? I’d go with you if I could - stay for half an hour then announce we were off to some swanky restaurant for a very important meeting! 😂
I’m sorry you’re feeling so low, but still ask them why the delay bearing in mind the rsvp date etc - I think you need to start doing things for YOU xx

Better to be an afterthought than not thought about at all. Ok you're not top of the list, but does it really matter.

I think sometimes we overthink things and make life, unnecessarily complicated,

You've been invited. Do you want to go?

Thats how I approach life and its worked fairly well for the last 60 odd years.

Question it then. Say this says 20th June but I've only just got this is it right?

To be honest, If I had already sent out formal invitations to something requiring RSVP - I would only then send it later to someone who I really wanted to be there but may have inadvertently didn't include initially.

I actually was recently 'late' invited to the exact same sort of event. We used to be in the same friendship circle that drifted a little for various reasons. My mutual friend saw the birthday boy. My name came up and he was like - god I must invite her to my party and so the invitation came. A year late (the originally party was postponed due to covid).

I went and had a blast reconnecting with the group (on my own).

Was it a paper invite and they were waiting to see you in person to give it to you? If so, then I don't think it's bad.

Or did they send it in the post late as they were hoping to see you in person to give it to you and it wasn't possible?

yes, absolutely. there are so many reasons why people can't always invite everyone they'd like to an event. We were once upgraded from evening guests to all-dayers at a wedding. Groom was upfront that someone had sent last-minute apologies, and said that they'd love us to fill in if we didn't have plans so there was no pressure. It remains one of the best weddings I've been to, so I'm very glad that I wasn't too proud to accept.

why would you care?

I honestly wouldn’t care about being second row or reserve list or whatever.
If there are nice people who you like in the social group then it’s a great opportunity to rekindle your 1:1 relationships in that group as YOU rather than ”exh’s wife”.

although if you don’t like any of them and want to move on then of course just don’t go.

I would not go.

It jut shows that the organisers don't really see you as a close friend/worth socialising with.

If you go, it will be in your thoughts at the event and you might find it awkward to chat with the organisers.

Unless it is a giant party with 1000s of guests I find it hard to believe they could have simply ''forgotten''. It just is the case that when they thought about who they wanted there your name was not on their mind until weeks after they started putting their list of guests together.

Just see them as acquaintances and treat them the same way: just as people you happen to know, not close friends you can depend on. Meaning you don't owe them anything and skip the party.

A paper invite that was sent to me on fb

I'd love it if I knew you'd be there!

Is it possible that there is a typo on the rsvp and it should be 20th July? Either way, as someone else said they did invite you and they didn't have to, so they do want you there, whatever the circumstances.

And please don't listen to the smug people on this thread with their very settled social groups who are happy to make people with less stable or busy social lives feel bad and insecure about it. (Including referring to me as being one up from homeless people receiving charity! - charming). It's understandable you feel insecure at the moment so please try and block out the comments on here that will make you feel worse.

Most people don't think like this and you will only make yourself more unhappy and more isolated analysing things so much. Believe me I've been there and have felt like you and it made things worse not better to cut off my nose to spite my face - you can turn pleasant casual friendships to no friendship at all if you put too much importance on being in the 'inner circle'.