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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to clean her flippin' house and to.be annoyed that she asked.

411 replies

TexasTyson · 05/07/2022 02:24

Best mate sent me a WhatsApp 2 days ago...

Hay darling! We are putting the house on the market ASAP if you have any spare time in the next few weeks to come and doing some gardening, cleaning, packing or anything to get this house looking good for the photos I would be so very grateful! And pay you in lunch and bubbles! Xxx

I've been stewing over it. Why the hell would I want to come and clean her house and do her garden!?

Are cleaners and gardeners usually paid in "lunch and bubbles"!? I don't even drink bubbles, I don't like the sensation and I never have.

Where is all this spare time coming from? And why would I not have my own stuff to fill it with? Like, for example, my own life admin. Or even just relaxing after a stressful few days at work!

It just feels like another case of "she has no kids so she must have loads of time and must want to help us" to be honest.

I moved last year and she didn't help me at all!!

I can't tell if I'm being a selfish cow... AIBU?

OP posts:
Paq · 05/07/2022 08:28

coffeecupsandfairylights · 05/07/2022 08:20

We had all (separately) moved to a city away from family and anyway, what 25 year old wants to ask for help from dad?

Am I missing something? What's wrong with asking your dad for help at the age of 25? Confused

DH is in his thirties and his brother is in his late forties - they still ask their dad for help with stuff around the house! And FIL is more than happy to help out when he can - isn't what family is all about?

There's nothing inherently wrong with it but the sense of achievement as a young adult of doing stuff without calling mum and dad for help is empowering. Try it!

Fushiadreams · 05/07/2022 08:29

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

What? Who views friendships in this transitional manner. I provided emotional support so you need to clean my house in return. That’s so bizzare.

PritiPatelsMaker · 05/07/2022 08:30

Me and my BF have always helped each other with things like a deep clean before putting the house in the market, childcare, moving house. The usual.

Perhaps if this irks you so much you're not as good friends as you thought you were.

rookiemere · 05/07/2022 08:34

Maybe it's a money thing.
If I knew a friend couldn't afford a cleaner and was desperate to move, I might help- or more likely treat her to a cleaner.

But if someone is selling their house then they've generally got enough spare cash to afford a days deep cleaning, and I'd resent spending the day doing something I hate when the other person could afford to get a professional to do it.

FeelingwearyFeeelingsmall · 05/07/2022 08:34

I definitely think that's what friends are for. She's asked for a favour and you can say yes or no as you choose. We last moved house 16 years ago. Two good friends didn't even need asking, they volunteered to come over and pitch in. I was very grateful.

I had to sort out my late mums house last year. One of those friends turned up unexpectedly on the last day to help with the final clean and polish for the new owners.

trulyconfuseddotcom · 05/07/2022 08:34

Erm, this person is putting a house on the market. This is something that comes with financial outgoings, i.e. paying solicitors, estate agents etc. It will also be a transaction that will no doubt make a profit in the current market. So surely some of the other jobs involved, such as cleaning, gardening and some wee bits of decorating, are also jobs to get professionals in for (if you don't feel you can manage it all yourself) and this will be taken into account from that eventual profit? Rather than expect your mates to subsidise your house sale finances? I think she's being pretty cheeky to ask pals to do these jobs when she will be making money off of it, frankly.

Luredbyapomegranate · 05/07/2022 08:36

That’s very funny!

It depends. If she is too broke to hire help, and/or your friendship group is in the habit of painting parties, then fair dos. If she is comfortably off then yes cheeky - still funny though.

Don’t be offended, just send her a jolly note saying oh I would but hectic at work and weekends away.. but I’ll look forward to seeing the pics of it gleaming! That’s what I’d do (unless she was on her uppers in which case I’d try and help.).

TheOrigRights · 05/07/2022 08:36

I think it entirely depends on what your responsibilities are.
Thinking back myself.
If someone had asked this of me 20 or 25 years ago it would have been a normal request. We were all in our 20s, working, no kids or older parents, finding partners, houses, loads of free time. A day with friends helping them sort their house out (radio on, pub lunch, having a laugh) would have been fine.

If someone asked me now I would feel a bit put out and insulted as my friends know I simply do not have spare time to help them in this way.
My 'helping' resources are towards my own kids (I'm a lone parent), and my ex in laws who are unwell. My precious free time is spent with family and friends (doing fun things) and my own sport.

Of course if a friend really needed me to support them I would be there, but this is not that situation.

HelloDaisy · 05/07/2022 08:38

Friendship is all about give and take and being there for each other, same as family. I would gladly help any of my friends if they asked, even if it was a squeeze to fit it in, as they would for me. I truly think that is what makes the world an easier place to be in.

I often go and help one friend to keep on top of her house tidying as she is quite chaotic and struggles with it and am there for others as the need arises same as they are for me. We collect each other’s kids from school, get stuff from supermarket etc etc etc..

When my mum died in an accident my friends were there for me for months, helping me to stand up straight and ensuring that the house was clean, shopping was done and kids were cared for. They all came straight away and took care of everything. We would have really struggled without them.

She’s only asking you for a day to help with cleaning….

rnsaslkih · 05/07/2022 08:39

Perhaps she asked you because she felt it would be even after the emotional support she gave you? That costs time - time in which she could have been having fun?

if she is your best friend, I don’t think it’s too terrible an ask. You could always reply that you are a crap [gardener] but you would be happy to help for a day with [cleaning]. To limit the tasks to the ones you dislike the least.

we always suspect people are on the make/pisstaking because so many of us have had advantage taken.

PuppyMonkey · 05/07/2022 08:40

i seem to post this a lot on MN threads, but the best response would be “lol”.

sunglassesonthetable · 05/07/2022 08:41

I think it's weird a best friend wouldn't know how you'd feel about this before asking.

Also if you've always hated bubbles why would she offer them? A best friend?

I don't think it's the end of the world to ask between close friends. And I've helped with stuff like that. And friends have helped me.

But asking like that? On WApp? Doesn't really sound like a close friend tbh. So all a bit weird.

kateandme · 05/07/2022 08:45

Is there a drip feed of her and you surrounding tour no kids life? Otherwise your her friend.
Your taking this message the complete wrong ways a friend should unless there is a drip feed backstory.
Fuk sake a mate needs help this is the kind of thing you do.or say no I can't sweetie I'm busy this week and she'd be fine with that. But even giving up an hour to collect cofees or boxes.
Even if I was too busy I'd then ask if there is any help I can give later in the week etc.
I wouldn't think my friend was coming from a cheeky place either.
Her message wouldn't sound like that.
More like " help.moving.place looks like shit I need you luv.sorry to ask this.have you spare time we can order pizza or I can offer your fave biscuits!!" or "putting house on market it looks like the kids have wripped it apart,so much to do" at which case of probably offer anyway.
But the message she sent sounds like just how she is.which is nice.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 05/07/2022 08:47

That sounds like a scrounging message she's sent everybody in her address book.

She can get to fuck.

saraclara · 05/07/2022 08:47

It's one thing to ask for help on moving day, when it's all a bit frantic and time is of the essence. But in this case she's wanting help to make the place photogenic before it goes up for sale! That's why it's really cheeky.

Threetulips · 05/07/2022 08:48

I’d go back with ‘Thanks so much for the offer, but I’ll give it a miss’

evilharpy · 05/07/2022 08:52

I think this really depends on the friendship dynamic. I have a couple of very close friends who I have asked for help of a similar nature. They rolled up their sleeves without a second thought. Equally I'd do the same for them. Or do a bit of decorating or tackle a DIY job they would struggle with or hadn't got around to. Although they and I all know what each other's preferred tipple would be.

But then I have other friends who I wouldn't ask, and who I know wouldn't ask me.

Lalliella · 05/07/2022 08:54

Yikes! This is pretty identifiable. Hope she’s not on MN OP. Especially as you’ve outed your other username.

Viostep · 05/07/2022 08:54

That's weird. I can't imagine asking my friends to clean my house for me. How embarrassing.

It's different than helping someone move house as she is just looking to put it on the market.

I would say I was too busy but sympathise about how much work the moving process is, you did it all yourself last year!

Swedalia · 05/07/2022 08:56

Yabu for using the term ’life admin’

Trivester · 05/07/2022 08:56

I think a lot of posters might be missing your updates which give more context to your op.

She’s a bit of a user by the sounds of it and it’s great that this has triggered your boundaries.

If you don’t want confrontation just be vague and noncommittal. People can only use you if you let them, so just stop doing your side of it.

Givers have to have strong boundaries because takers have none. You are completely reasonable to draw a line.

everythingssogrey · 05/07/2022 08:57

That's hilarious. I'd write back 'Sorry can't, going to [local wine bar] with [friend who wouldn't do this] today, treating her to lunch and bubbles'

Viviennemary · 05/07/2022 08:59

Well I don't blame her for asking. But you have every right to refuse. Its probably a case of how often does she help you.

sunglassesonthetable · 05/07/2022 09:00

Totally agree @kateandme . You said it better than me.

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 05/07/2022 09:01

Where I grew up, people used to help others with things like this as a matter of course. It was part of friendship, and not only would you get lunch/drinks but it’d be a social event and the favour would inevitably be repaid in the future when the helpers needed help in turn.

It saddens me that no one seems to think they should use their spare time, if they have any, to help anymore.