Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a 1950s man?

145 replies

SurprisinglyKnackered · 04/07/2022 09:56

I'm knackered and pissed off, and don't know whether to work on myself or try to change the situation. I feel like everything's on me (too much responsibility, etc), and don't know whether this is just life and I need to suck it up or whether my DP needs to do more. Here's the situation:

  • 3 teenage/pre-teen kids
  • I work full time in social sector. Demanding job (quite well paid, but not massively so). Earn about 80% of family income.
  • DP works PT from home, on flexible hours. Brings in a bit of money, but more as an added extra.
  • He does most of the day to day cooking.
  • He does most of the day to day cleaning.
  • He does more of the practical tasks around the house (although not so much contacting professionals to do specific jobs - plumbers, etc. - see point below about mobile phone),
  • He does more day to day walking of the dog than I do.
  • I organise vets, deworming, etc., of the dog.
  • I do all/most of the organising of stuff (deep cleaning/sorting STUFF in the house).
  • I do all driving (fair amount, with all kids' stuff) as he doesn't drive.
  • I do most of the general arranging of stuff (for kids, for the house, etc), as he doesn't have a mobile phone.
  • I organise dentist/doctors' appointments for kids, and mostly take them.
  • I mostly take the kids to their clubs, etc. (see driving point).
  • I do most of the financial stuff as he doesn't do online banking.
  • I do most of the online shops, and all the larger shops in person (see previous point about driving).
DP is a kind, intelligent, responsible man. To be fair to him, before we had kids, I didn't drive or have a mobile phone or do online banking either. It was a way we lived, driven by ethical decisions. But once we had kids, I changed as they grew and needed (I felt) to fit in more with the world their friends lived in. I just feel like I'm carrying so much, and that I may explode. It's become quite a sensitive subject, so I don't want to bring it up again with DP If the answer is that I should work more on myself.

AIBU to think AAAAAARGH?

OP posts:
Original poster
SurprisinglyKnackered · 04/07/2022 09:58

In relation to the thread title: I worry that I'm underestimating how much DP does in terms of daily unseen tasks (cooking, dishwasher etc), like a 1950s man with a housewife. Although I also think the fact I do about half the laundry, all the shopping, a lot of the kid stuff, etc etc, makes me not like said 1950s man.

OP posts:
VainAbigail · 04/07/2022 09:59

Is your partner able to learn to drive?

Original poster
SurprisinglyKnackered · 04/07/2022 10:00

VainAbigail · 04/07/2022 09:59

Is your partner able to learn to drive?

He can drive. He just doesn't want to (ethical reasons, and inertia).

OP posts:
Vikinga · 04/07/2022 10:00

Why don't you sit down and list everything you both do with an estimate of time and divide it better?

HollowTalk · 04/07/2022 10:02

Do his ethics stop him from getting into a car with you?

DiamanteDelia · 04/07/2022 10:05

Why doesn't he have a mobile phone? Why doesn't he drive?

Re the sharing of responsibilities- in your set up I'd expect your partner to be doing the general arranging, appointments, shopping etc. Unless you live in a palace, housework doesn't really fill 80% of the week. What else is he doing with his time?

The biggest bit of running the home is the planning- being the organising intelligence for it all- and that's all falling to you despite the fact you're also the chief worker/earner. Your DP sounds more like a part time home help.

Could he work more and use the extra money to pay for a cleaner?

FWIW I reckon 50s housewives worked pretty hard and also ran the home. Don't think many trad 50s men were making the dentist appointments and doing the food shopping.

SheepingStandingUp · 04/07/2022 10:05

Is he ethically opposed to a land-line? Buses? If the kids are out the house all day why can't he catch a bus and do the shopping? Why can't you get a land-line?

If you die tomorrow presumably the kids will stay home and eat air until they leave home?

DiamanteDelia · 04/07/2022 10:06

SurprisinglyKnackered · 04/07/2022 10:00

He can drive. He just doesn't want to (ethical reasons, and inertia).

Show quote history

Too ethical to drive but not too ethical to benefit from you driving, hmmm.

VainAbigail · 04/07/2022 10:08

SurprisinglyKnackered · 04/07/2022 10:00

He can drive. He just doesn't want to (ethical reasons, and inertia).

Show quote history

Sounds like pure laziness. Because he knows you will do all the running around.

And you are.

IGotItInTheSales · 04/07/2022 10:09

Ethical?

He's got 3 kids!

IGotItInTheSales · 04/07/2022 10:10

What work is he doing from home that means he's not online in any way?

newbiename · 04/07/2022 10:11

YANBU - he sounds like he's not doing enough.
You need a sit down chat.

MissTrip82 · 04/07/2022 10:11

By ethical you surely don’t mean environmental?

As certainly not driving yourself but benefiting from another doing all the driving…..and having THREE children……suggests the environment is not his main concern.

I don’t see the ethical issue in him driving a car you already own to participate in the transport of children he’s happy for you to drive everywhere.

Triffid1 · 04/07/2022 10:16

Well quite frankly, he sounds like a complete wanker. He doesn't drive for "ethical" reasons but is quite happy for his wife and children to drive all over the place while, I assume, he stays home and chills out?

Ditto mobile phone? He can get a bloody landline and use that to book doctors/dentists/dog appointments. If he doesn't want to drive for the shopping, he can walk and do shopping every 2 days so that he can easily carry it home.

I am also the main earner, working more hours and I also get annoyed at how much of the organising and planning etc I do. But I am slowly simply refusing to do some of it and DH is stepping up and, very importantly, he absolutely does more than half of the running children around/activities, post-school childcare etc.

If you weren't there - how would the children get to their activities? or would his "ethics" mean that he simply wouldn't take them?

Oh, and he should be doing ALL the washing/sorting/putting away.

Namenic · 04/07/2022 10:19

Um - your DP does not want to drive your children to their clubs?! Ok - I think u have to have a discussion about what things you have to compromise on ethically because you have kids and things might benefit them. I really don’t see how/why he does not engage with online banking. Your kids are likely to need 1 laptop at some point - get one now, then he can do some online banking and food shopping.

Otherwise he is benefitting from someone doing the ‘unethical’ thing of driving to the supermarket or delivery…. Also - if he gets online he can see if there are any zero waste stores nearby where you can get dried beans, pasta, rice ( you can fill up big re usable plastic containers so you use less plastic).

sslz82pe · 04/07/2022 10:24

To me, that seems like a fair division of responsibilities.

OperaStation · 04/07/2022 10:28

What possible ethical reasons does he have for not driving? You already own the car. Also, why is not having a mobile phone an excuse not to organise anything? It sounds like he’s using his ethics to get out of contributing to your family.

I work part time and because of that I do almost every job in your long list.

malloo · 04/07/2022 10:29

I think he needs to step up and accept he needs to get a mobile phone and pull his weight, his ethics are all well and good but he can't just expect you to do everything while sits around being ethical. If he doesn't want to drive, he needs to do all the stuff that needs transport by bus or walking, including taking kids to activities and shopping. He'll change his mind pretty quickly.

You are doing all the 'wifework' in addition to working more hours and earning most of the money, it's not on.

And no, you're definitely not a 1950s man, bet you don't spend your evenings reading the paper while your DP keeps the kids quiet!

LizzieSiddal · 04/07/2022 10:35

I’d tell him you want going to join in with the no driving and no mobile asap, but cannot because of the effect this would have on the children. So you need to chat about how as a father and husband he is going to find compromises to his own lifestyle inorder to support his children and wife on a more equal footing.

(If I’m honest I think he’s taking the piss and I’d want to know why he thinks that’s ok).

FearlessFreddie · 04/07/2022 10:45

I work 3 days a week and do every task on your list. He's taking the piss.

If the reason he gives for not doing things is his ethics, what is his proposed solution? Does he think that dentist appointments should not be made, shopping should not be bought, clubs not attended? Because there really isn't anything very ethical about sitting on your arse while your partner runs herself ragged looking after everybody. If he refuses to have a phone, he needs to walk to the dentist to make an appointment. Car's not ethical? Get the bus to the shops and do the shopping. Etc etc. Not just get you to do everything he disapproves of while keeping his own hands unsullied.

This thread has reminded me of an interview I read with Paul Merton in which he very smugly announced that he didn't have a mobile phone, when of course what he actually had was an assistant with a mobile phone. Your DP sounds the same, except in his case the assistant is you.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 04/07/2022 10:45

Ethical? 😂😂
I think he's taking the wee, wee.

Irishfarmer · 04/07/2022 10:48

I also don't think you are a 1950s man.

It's pretty much the reverse in my house hold as I work PT. So it makes sense I do those things when I work 3 days p/week and DH often has 7 days on the farm.

Anyway how would a 1950s housewife have tackled these issues:

I organise vets, deworming, etc., of the dog. - use the landline to phone, write a letter or make an app in person

I do all/most of the organising of stuff (deep cleaning/sorting STUFF in the house). - this should be him organising. He can (like I do) ask for help with some big tasks that are easier with 2 ppl.

I do all driving (fair amount, with all kids' stuff) as he doesn't drive. - walk

I do most of the general arranging of stuff (for kids, for the house, etc), as he doesn't have a mobile phone. - again landline, letter or in person

I organise dentist/doctors' appointments for kids, and mostly take them. - above

I mostly take the kids to their clubs, etc. (see driving point). - walk

I do most of the financial stuff as he doesn't do online banking. - go to the branch (I know that is not very helpful anymore!)

I do most of the online shops, and all the larger shops in person (see previous point about driving). - walk/ take public transport to the large shop, he can arrange to be finished for when you will be passing after work to drive him + shopping home.

OK I am probably being a bit harsh on some of these. But really he needs to get a mobile phone. Walk the kids to their activities. Do online food shopping.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 04/07/2022 10:48

Sounds like you've got four kids...

'3 teenage/pre-teen kids' and 1 toddler.

bloodyunicorns · 04/07/2022 10:50

Is he that kind? Really? He's taking the piss.

If he works PT (why does he work PT? Inertia again?) he should be doing all the stuff that needs doing at home, including banking, ferrying kids to clubs, and organising, so you are both 'working' the same number of hours and have the same amount of free time.

LizzieSiddal · 04/07/2022 10:57

I also think you’re minimising his behaviour OP as you did not add the very important information that he chooses not to drive or have a mobile, in your opening post.

Also you’re enabling his behaviour, it’s within your power to stop that.