Am I a 1950s man?

[SurprisinglyKnackered]

I'm knackered and pissed off, and don't know whether to work on myself or try to change the situation. I feel like everything's on me (too much responsibility, etc), and don't know whether this is just life and I need to suck it up or whether my DP needs to do more. Here's the situation:

• 3 teenage/pre-teen kids
• I work full time in social sector. Demanding job (quite well paid, but not massively so). Earn about 80% of family income.
• DP works PT from home, on flexible hours. Brings in a bit of money, but more as an added extra.
• He does most of the day to day cooking.
• He does most of the day to day cleaning.
• He does more of the practical tasks around the house (although not so much contacting professionals to do specific jobs - plumbers, etc. - see point below about mobile phone),
• He does more day to day walking of the dog than I do.
• I organise vets, deworming, etc., of the dog.
• I do all/most of the organising of stuff (deep cleaning/sorting STUFF in the house).
• I do all driving (fair amount, with all kids' stuff) as he doesn't drive.
• I do most of the general arranging of stuff (for kids, for the house, etc), as he doesn't have a mobile phone.
• I organise dentist/doctors' appointments for kids, and mostly take them.
• I mostly take the kids to their clubs, etc. (see driving point).
• I do most of the financial stuff as he doesn't do online banking.
• I do most of the online shops, and all the larger shops in person (see previous point about driving).

DP is a kind, intelligent, responsible man. To be fair to him, before we had kids, I didn't drive or have a mobile phone or do online banking either. It was a way we lived, driven by ethical decisions. But once we had kids, I changed as they grew and needed (I felt) to fit in more with the world their friends lived in. I just feel like I'm carrying so much, and that I may explode. It's become quite a sensitive subject, so I don't want to bring it up again with DP If the answer is that I should work more on myself.

AIBU to think AAAAAARGH?

I do all/most of the organising of stuff (deep cleaning/sorting STUFF in the house).
I do all driving (fair amount, with all kids' stuff) as he doesn't drive.
I do most of the general arranging of stuff (for kids, for the house, etc), as he doesn't have a mobile phone.
I organise dentist/doctors' appointments for kids, and mostly take them.
I mostly take the kids to their clubs, etc. (see driving point).

I doubt if 1950s man did much of this stuff- certainly not doctor and dentist appointments. Depending on what needed arranging, he might have done some of it from a call box. Kids would have done fewer clubs and pre-teenswould have got there by themselves either walking or on the bus.

While your DH does most of the day to day cooking and cleaning, much of the wife work is still left to you. That, and being your children’s chauffeur!

Its so unusual not to have a mobile these days. Especially as you don’t seem to have a landline either.

If it’s an essential journey such as taking the kids to an appointment how does it make a difference whether you drive or he drives? The journey is happening either way so he’s not making any difference ethically by not doing it. I think you need to encourage him to pick up some of the driving. Could he also not borrow your mobile phone to make appointments and things? Again, if the phone exists and the phone all needs to be made how does it make a difference, ethically, which of you carries out the task?

Too ethical to do all the laundry or tidy a cupboard, what a hero 😂

OP, I hope you're not the same person who posted recently that her DP had a separate laundry basket for his own things so that he didn't accidentally do any of his wife and kids' laundry 😭

I'd be telling him to shove his "ethics" up his virtue signaling arse, as I hand him the keys so he can go shopping. FGS.

In relation to the thread title: I worry that I'm underestimating how much DP does in terms of daily unseen tasks (cooking, dishwasher etc), like a 1950s man with a housewife. Although I also think the fact I do about half the laundry, all the shopping, a lot of the kid stuff, etc etc, makes me not like said 1950s man.

As a 1950s child, you are underestimating what a 1950s housewife did. Washing machines were a rarity, or maybe she had one that agitated the clothes which still needed to be mangled and hung. A new twin tub was a luxury! Few people had fridges, so shopping from a number of different shops was a more or less daily occurrence. Domestic freezers were unheard of. No getting a weeks worth of food from the supermarket!

1950s housewives often made their children’s clothes so lots of sewing and knitting also occurred. So I don’t think your DH does much beyond the basics especially as all your children are schoo age.

Sounds as though he needs some pannier bags for his pushbike and a rucksack, and either a second hand mobile or a landline

Good question!

He's lazy and doesn't want to help you, which is why he refuses to drive or have a mobile phone. It gets him out of so many jobs!

Time to kick off massively. Either he changes and takes on his share or he fucks off. You're already doing everything, you won't notice the difference.

Sounds as though he needs some pannier bags for his pushbike and a rucksack

That would certainly make him like a Dutch 50’s housewife!

Something involving a lathe, I'm guessing.

You're not seriously hoodwinked by this man's 'ethics' 🤣🤣🤣

He has 3 kids and YOU drive him round

I'm super confused about the ethics of a mobile phone, online banking.

What ethics is there?? Is it that using online banking is reducing peoples jobs in physical banks?

Also re driving, if, as a family, you're doing ten journeys a week (all driven by you), how is that different to those same ten journeys, driven by him 50% of the time and you 50% of the time?

Could you get an electric car or a smaller car to reduce footprint?

It's not really OK for him to expect you to do it all.

Have you talked to him about even split?

If he refuses to do more at home he gets a full time job!

I was going to post something but I don't think I could do better than @Aquamarine1029

I don’t recognise the 1950’s link at all! And I was born in 1950. My own mother worked as a teacher once I went to school, so we were a two income household. My father worked longer hours and further away .

My mother cooked and shopped, probably did most of the cleaning ( got a cleaner as soon as they could, though) but Dad was a demon vacuumer and mower. He was responsible for finances, anything that needed servicing , general household maintenance. He took me to swimming club in the evenings, poor chap.

your house husband does not sound like a 1950s housewife. He sounds like a privileged kept man.

Hang on a minute... so he can drive but he doesn't for 'ethical reasons'.. but the journey is still made by you anyway? So there's no environmental benefit whatsoever?

We have a really similar setup in my house in terms of hours worked etc. I work full time and he does part time three evenings a week. He sometimes does a weekend day too and has recently been working daytime within school hours. I think he's probably working more hours than your husband from your description.

I do most of the (very simple and quick) cooking because of him being at work of an evening or taking the kids to clubs. He will prep the stuff ready for me to cook if it's a more involved meal and he's around in the day. He does the driving around to clubs etc, school runs, organising kids stuff. He does all of the cleaning, food shopping and most appointments. Our kids are a little bit younger and we do a bedtime each. He cooks both weekend days and I will do laundry or whatever needs doing when I'm around on a weekend. I do what I can online during my break at work to help out. I mostly sort out christmas/birthday presents, random things we need to buy, arranging tradesmen and holidays. Financial stuff is sorted by both of us. He does most of the deep cleans and clear outs but I also do some. I do most of the gardening but he will weed the drive or mow the lawn. That seems fair as I like gardening and he's happy to only maintain at a basic level. We both do big things like painting or DIY but I often take the lead.

I don't think your husband is pulling his weight. How much free time does he have compared to you?

Thank you all very much for the responses. I'm reading and re-reading, taking it all in....

So (sorry if this is an accidental drip-feed) - we do have a landline. It doesn't work very well, though, and somehow it doesn't get used to do appointments and things.

He does do some shopping, on foot, for specific meals. He will walk the kids to things which are walkable, but as they get older this gets less frequent.

He also does do the online payments for water, gas and electricity bills, and council tax. I do all the phone, computer, broadband, TV stuff. And all car and house insurance (and obviously car maintenance), etc.

He does work using the internet.

I suppose some of the "ethical" things are more aesthetic choices really.

He would say that if I decide to stop driving or get rid of my mobile that that would be great - we'd just live differently, and the kids would adapt. I just can't make that leap. And when his mates text my mobile to organise their social arrangements via me, I do sometimes have to grit my teeth!

(so when I say I do all the online banking, I mean things which require accessing bank accounts. So online transfers, setting up any new direct debits and so on).

YANBU. Your work situation/income sounds exactly like dh's and mine have been in recent years, but reversed. The difference is, because I was so part time and under no work pressure, I did virtually all the jobs on your bullet point list. Dh is far from undomesticated and did plenty of cooking, stuff with the dc, diy etc at the weekend and in the holidays. I still felt I had the massively easier life and felt guilty that he was the main breadwinner. I've now got a ft job starting soon.

Your dh sounds lazy and deliberately task-avoidant. The mobile phone and driving thing would massively piss me off. Nothing wrong with not driving if you're in a position where that decision is practical and doesn't inconvenience others, but in this case it clearly does!

But he could sort out bills and online banking on his working computer or go into a branch.

I'd stop dealing with his mates - sorry you'll have to ring him on XX number.

Cars I think you may have to suck up if he genuinely doesn't use the car with you and would just live without one. But if you need one to get to orthodontics or dentists appointments etc I'd be making a pretty big fuss.

Could you do shopping online and get it delivered? He could again do this on his work computer.

I don't get the mobile phone thing. I'll often not look at mine for days at a time but it's useful to have when out and about. I don't really use the internet on it apart from to check train times. If it's to do with the environmental impact of upgrading every few months, surely he could just buy a brick and keep it until it stops working? I'd stop acting as the messenger between him and his friends, that's just ridiculous that he's happy for you to do that.

It sounds like he does a reasonable amount around the house, but he could take on doing the online shop on his computer (would seem to make sense if he's doing most of the cooking as he'll know what you're running low on). Again, online banking he could do from his computer and it's quick enough for him to take on paying bills etc.

Organizing vets and dentists take, what? 15 minutes every 3 months? Taking children places because you drive makes sense. As you work more, it makes sense that you get to spend time with your children when you're at home as he sees them more and possibly sometimes without you. It's good that you get to hang out with your children.

He does the daily drudgery and you do a big clean once every 3 to 6 months.
I think he does a lot tbh. A lot of your tasks are admin which I personally find a doddle that I can do with my eyes shut but some people find it overwhelming. Online banking is a walk in the park. You're not even stuck in a queue or have to go on your Saturday morning. You can literally do all this in your pjs in bed in front of Netflix. I'd rather do admin all day than clean bathrooms, cook and walk the dog. Plus, you are secure in a better paid job so you have more independence to leave should you wish to. I think you've got the sweeter deal so yes you are definitely a 1950s man in my eyes. Enjoy your perks!

There is no way I'd be a conduit for his social life. I'd nip that one in the bud completely. And I'd pull back on the appointments etc. Let him do that. I'm a Sahm and I'm dreading the car in the future because I expect I'll be a taxi. Im laughing now thinking of announcing to Dh im going to stop driving for ethical reasons and he'll have to get dc to play dates, parties and swimming lessons

NO, you're not being like a 1950's husband, NOT AT ALL.

& he is certainly not being like a 1950's housewife!! At least not the modern equivalent one. In the 1950's life was vastly different & yet he's STILL not even doing as much work!!

you're doing almost all of the thinking/planning/organising, all of the running around after the kids & shopping, laundry etc.

whilst he piddles about working part time, cooking & pushing the hoover about.

How does having 3 children fit in with his 'ethics'?

does he not have legs to walk or bus to the shops?

why can't he do the laundry?

im furious on your behalf that this lazy twat is hiding behind 'ethics' to not pull his weight in your family.

why is he only working PT?

Harry popper the kids are in school all day- he sees them for maybe 5 hours more than the op?

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov ok but that's 5 hours more, presumably the children spend 5 hours or so at their activities too so it's even. Why wouldn't the mother want every opportunity to hang out with her children and see them enjoy themselves at their activities?!