Am I a 1950s man?

[SurprisinglyKnackered]

I'm knackered and pissed off, and don't know whether to work on myself or try to change the situation. I feel like everything's on me (too much responsibility, etc), and don't know whether this is just life and I need to suck it up or whether my DP needs to do more. Here's the situation:

• 3 teenage/pre-teen kids
• I work full time in social sector. Demanding job (quite well paid, but not massively so). Earn about 80% of family income.
• DP works PT from home, on flexible hours. Brings in a bit of money, but more as an added extra.
• He does most of the day to day cooking.
• He does most of the day to day cleaning.
• He does more of the practical tasks around the house (although not so much contacting professionals to do specific jobs - plumbers, etc. - see point below about mobile phone),
• He does more day to day walking of the dog than I do.
• I organise vets, deworming, etc., of the dog.
• I do all/most of the organising of stuff (deep cleaning/sorting STUFF in the house).
• I do all driving (fair amount, with all kids' stuff) as he doesn't drive.
• I do most of the general arranging of stuff (for kids, for the house, etc), as he doesn't have a mobile phone.
• I organise dentist/doctors' appointments for kids, and mostly take them.
• I mostly take the kids to their clubs, etc. (see driving point).
• I do most of the financial stuff as he doesn't do online banking.
• I do most of the online shops, and all the larger shops in person (see previous point about driving).

DP is a kind, intelligent, responsible man. To be fair to him, before we had kids, I didn't drive or have a mobile phone or do online banking either. It was a way we lived, driven by ethical decisions. But once we had kids, I changed as they grew and needed (I felt) to fit in more with the world their friends lived in. I just feel like I'm carrying so much, and that I may explode. It's become quite a sensitive subject, so I don't want to bring it up again with DP If the answer is that I should work more on myself.

AIBU to think AAAAAARGH?

If he does all the cooking and all the cleaning the division is more than fair. Looking after a house is a thankless and endless work specially with three pre-teens. So YABU

I had to laugh as you talk about paying council tax, gas, electricity and water online as a HUGE job when they are all direct debits...surely.
How often does a dog need a vet appointment or de-worming?
Give him a list of shopping and tell him to do it (don't ask) online at your shop of choice with a suitable delivery date which can be a regular weekly/fortnightly/monthly shop and he would only need the odd few things from local shops. Of course, the list can be amended when necessary.
I agree with others that he's being an arse a nd a lazy one at that but you know, people only get away with what you allow them to shirk and this is a rod you made for your own back.
I also think some posters have the wrong idea. I assume, from the conversation thus far, that you're a man but you need to be more assertive instead of asking us, a mainly female audience, what we think.
Put kindly but firmly, he should step up to the mark and stop being a lazy t w a t.
Just do it.

I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill tbh.
Prescriptions are usually sent from GP's surgery to nearest pharmacy (you can name which one) and they will deliver to your home. What's so difficult about that?
I'm a woman and my husband worked abroad offshore and I did the lot and brought up our 5 children without any help from anyone, parents/nanny or cleaners.
Your partner needs to get a grip and you are agonising over things that are easily resolved and not the huge burden you describe.

my husband worked abroad offshore and I did the lot

This is quite different from OP's situation.

@DiamanteDelia
I'm well aware of the difference, we're not all dunces on here.
What IS relevant is the fact of the OP not being happy with HIS workload but if you look at it dispassionately, it's not as onerous as his words make it seem. He's letting it get to him instead of rationalising it and streamlining what he himself does as I did when on my own, instead of getting tangled up in his frustration at his partner not stepping up.
DDs, transferring money and paying contacts or various businesses takes a few minutes. Even if you did it every day it's not onerous.
Once you make out a basic list of weekly necessities for an online shop it can just be on repeat and delivered. Anything else the lazy one can get.
If you deal with what has to be done in a calm manner and organise the above, it takes far less time than fuming about the partners lack of willingness to engage fully with life as it is in 2022.
He needs to present a list of duties to his partner and say that this is how it's going to be done from now on.

Well that's a first I've heard on here;a bloke using ethical reasons to get out of doing stuff.

I'm assuming he doesn't live in 1950's and probably has a computer with internet on it right?And I'm betting he let's you drive him about?.

Am I right on thinking he’s a bit of a hipster. Or likes to present as one. “Oh no I don’t watch tv / own a phone / drive a car, I’m too busy oiling my beard and hand crafting my own furniture”. When in fact the reality is he just uses his wife’s car and phone to keep up this illusion. Good god all that posturing would make my vagina clamp shut.

He needs to buy himself a bike and panniers and do the shopping on it. I did it whilst at uni. He can also get bikes for kids and all cycle together.

failing that he can get off his backside and drive.

If he is working pt and doing all the cooking and cleaning then it doesn't look like he isn't pulling his weight to me. A lot of the jobs you've listed for him happen daily and take time (cleaning, walking the dog) while others are brief and occasional (booking the vets) so I'm not sure he is doing as much less as you think.

That said, is it perhaps to do with the mental load? Are you the one having to stay on top of things there?

It sounds as if you maybe feel resentful that you have changed your lifestyle to suit the dc and he hasn't had to - that might also be something to talk about.

The driving thing would really irritate me too OP

its would be different if he couldn’t drive due to a health issue but because he thinks it’s “unethical”….Nah!

He seems to do a lot to me. Council tax, phone, broadband, TV, insurance are all surely an annual thing then direct debit? The shopping could he not get public transport to do? Also why don’t you book the next dentist appointments and get him to take the children then he can rebook when there and he can take. GP as it’s a ringing service again get him to sort.

The main issue for me would be the him not driving but that would depend where you live I guess. Where I am public transport to activities would be a nightmare for some but we’ve chosen activities within a 1 mile distance for most so we can walk to minimise our driving despite us having 2 cars for work reasons. I also wouldn’t be letting him give my number to his friends to arrange socials, he can give his landline and they can ring him since he chose not have one. Unless he would consider a non-smart mobile and you get rid of the landline?

I think YANBU. Depending on how many hours he works on average. I think the issue is the mental load. So he does the "as and when" stuff that doesn't take too much headspace - see washing up needs doing and do it, doesn't matter too much if it is done late. He seems to have managed to opt out of anything with any necessity - so you do the laundry which is essential to keep up with so kids have clean uniform.

Also that he has found a way of opting out - the "oh but the environment...it's easier for you to do x and y on your mobile phone... it's easier for you to do z because you drive...", it feels a bit disingenuous somehow - the kids would adapt on some points eg no car but they can't just "adapt" to have no medical or dental needs! And his shut-down-the-conversation card is "well, get rid of the car and phone if you want to..." knowing full well you won't impact on the kids lives in that way.

If one person is supporting the other's career, imo it works better for the person with more free time and less workload to do the mental load stuff for the family. If you're meant to be concentrating on your career then it doesn't make sense for you to do ALL the appointments (presumably during your work hours or lunch hour?), ferrying the kids around, big food shops etc etc along with remembering everything. You're doing the stuff that MUST be done. It must have an impact on your job. And you're doing the stuff that all comes along at once then it's quieter for a while - it makes more sense if he has flexible workload to take that side of things on and you do a more routine amount of household input eg you cook twice a week, do a couple of laundry loads, share evening cleaning/routine jobs like packed lunches etc.

My DP works away sometimes and long hours including some weekends and I work 3 days a week from home. I do most of the mental load stuff as well as most of the routine stuff and childcare (obviously as he isn't here!). He pitches in with the routine stuff without being asked when he's here so it becomes more even during those times. So he'll cook, wash up, put washing on, put the baby to bed, sometimes do a big food shop etc and will offer to do things like pick up shopping on his way home. But it wouldn't make sense for him to take on the mental load (eg decluttering the house, getting rid of the clothes that no longer fit the kids etc).

Practically, are there any bits of the mental load you can allocate to him that don't need a car/phone?

To me this seems a fair division, its how it was in my house last year, things have changed a bit now. Plus we have one kid not 3.

however, its a partnership, if you feel you need help with your tasks, he should provide it.

also, make the kids get the bus/walk, rather than driving them around. Not all the time. But if your busy/taking some ‘me’ time. Im sure there are some things they can get themselves to. Also, they are teenagers so they can help with some of your tasks too. Do their own laundry etc.

Yes agree with other op, a bike with lots of storage is great for shopping

He can get his own phone or organise his life via email.

If the children need driving somewhere it’s no ethical difference between you doing it and him doing it. Same emissions etc so he can crack on with that

He sounds rather affected tbh

I feel a bit sorry for him in a way he’s very reliant on you. I guess communicate what you need from him he probably feels he’s doing enough. Often people put a label on things like wanting to be ethical it’s more confidence. He probably needs pushing to get another job now the kids are older and develop himself a bit

Seems like he is pulling his weight inside the house, but not outside of it. He has got into a nice comfy rut whereby he doesn't have to address the things he can't be bothered to learn. He needs driving lease, a mobile phone and online banking. What's unethical about online banking by the way?

Lol! Yes good point

Although I am “old school” and older so remember pre online / mobile / walking to local shops with fondness I think we can’t resist joining in without it being selfishly laid on those around you if you don’t learn/use. It also unfortunately disadvantages you within society. I agree with the ethics thought but you can’t say you’re clean if you depend on all around you who do use mobiles .

Actually as well as adding to the point about him being lazy I would be a bit concerned he isn’t developing a mental health issue and becoming very “internal” .