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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a 1950s man?

145 replies

SurprisinglyKnackered · 04/07/2022 09:56

I'm knackered and pissed off, and don't know whether to work on myself or try to change the situation. I feel like everything's on me (too much responsibility, etc), and don't know whether this is just life and I need to suck it up or whether my DP needs to do more. Here's the situation:

  • 3 teenage/pre-teen kids
  • I work full time in social sector. Demanding job (quite well paid, but not massively so). Earn about 80% of family income.
  • DP works PT from home, on flexible hours. Brings in a bit of money, but more as an added extra.
  • He does most of the day to day cooking.
  • He does most of the day to day cleaning.
  • He does more of the practical tasks around the house (although not so much contacting professionals to do specific jobs - plumbers, etc. - see point below about mobile phone),
  • He does more day to day walking of the dog than I do.
  • I organise vets, deworming, etc., of the dog.
  • I do all/most of the organising of stuff (deep cleaning/sorting STUFF in the house).
  • I do all driving (fair amount, with all kids' stuff) as he doesn't drive.
  • I do most of the general arranging of stuff (for kids, for the house, etc), as he doesn't have a mobile phone.
  • I organise dentist/doctors' appointments for kids, and mostly take them.
  • I mostly take the kids to their clubs, etc. (see driving point).
  • I do most of the financial stuff as he doesn't do online banking.
  • I do most of the online shops, and all the larger shops in person (see previous point about driving).
DP is a kind, intelligent, responsible man. To be fair to him, before we had kids, I didn't drive or have a mobile phone or do online banking either. It was a way we lived, driven by ethical decisions. But once we had kids, I changed as they grew and needed (I felt) to fit in more with the world their friends lived in. I just feel like I'm carrying so much, and that I may explode. It's become quite a sensitive subject, so I don't want to bring it up again with DP If the answer is that I should work more on myself.

AIBU to think AAAAAARGH?

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 04/07/2022 15:08

I freely admit I don't drive and neither does my partner, but that suits us because we live somewhere where driving is more trouble than it's worth and the lack of a car has no impact on our lives or those of anyone we interact with.

I do think refusing to have a mobile phone "on ethical grounds" is fairly fishy. I think in reality refusing to participate in the digital economy at all is at best ridiculously luddite and at worst downright selfish. Yes there's an argument for not upgrading your smartphone once a year etc but there's a middle ground between that and being completely off grid.

How on earth is his refusing to do online banking benefiting the environment, society or anything else? All it's doing is creating more work for you.

I quite often see this "ethical" argument trotted out as an excuse for people not to get their arses in gear.

TheGoogleMum · 04/07/2022 15:13

I know a couple of ethically minded people with a Fairphone. It's not as fancy as other brands but it's a smartphone with ethical credentials so could he get that as a compromise to not leave all phone related tasks to you?

AllTheDancers · 04/07/2022 15:17

He sounds privileged (due to you providing financially for him) and lazy. You can get he would quickly get a mobile phone and learn to drive if you left him! I'd find it hard to respect him because very few parents in this modern world can get away with not being able to drive or have a mobile phone, and its you who is supporting him in his "ethical" endeavours.

Spohn · 04/07/2022 16:22

He cooks, cleans, earns a tiny amount of money and….that’s it? He’s dependent on you for everything else. At least he’s just a boyfriend and there’s no legal/financial connections to him.

What do you want from the thread? If you’ve accepted him as a dependent for so long, what’s changed?

Paprikapommes · 04/07/2022 16:35

I'm assuming if your DC had a medical emergency or they were in trouble and needed transport and you weren't available he'd drive?

Dixiechickonhols · 04/07/2022 16:40

I wouldn’t even reply to his mates, just tell him no more from today. Him missing out is much more likely to make him think.
How does it work with school and ill children? Do they phone you at work if he doesn’t answer landline because he hasn’t got a mobile.
How would he react if you said I’ve been thinking about things and I’m not ordering online from big Supermarket anymore it’s not ethical. You Shopping locally will be so much better.
His argument that kids would adapt is worthless as he hasn’t adapted he’s just using you as his PA.

EnterACloud · 05/07/2022 12:37

how are you doing OP, did you have time to think about all this last night?

LannieDuck · 05/07/2022 13:18

I think he needs to take on the mental load (all the organising of stuff, the arranging of stuff, the dr/dentist appts, organising the vets). He can use the landline phone.

I don't know any families with a FT partner and a PT partner where the FT partner has the mental load to cope with as well.

TrixieMixie · 05/07/2022 17:54

I think men seriously underestimate ‘wife work’ and lots of women take it on without thinking. You need to sit him down and have a good chat. My husband is retired and also has cancer - he is well at the moment so he does all cooking, shopping, lots of domestic organising, driving etc - not much cleaning as we have a cleaner. I work full time in a stressful job and don’t do much round the house at all (I probably am a fifties man). The only thing I do that I think he wouldn’t is remember family birthdays - he remembers mine but no-one else’s. I would be annoyed if he didn’t do a fair share.

Flossatops · 05/07/2022 17:55

I'm angry for you! He sounds precious, hypocritical and lazy. I think you're an extremely patient mum/wife doing far too much. Time to leave the 1950's way, way behind!

CrispieCake · 05/07/2022 18:15

Ignoring your basic question (to which you've already had lots of replies), I can't believe you organise 'playdates' for him via your phone like he's 7 years old 😂! Do you drive him to them as well and let his mates know that you're on your way to pick him up?!

Mary54 · 05/07/2022 18:20

I have a late 1950s model DH. You are definitely not one! A true 1950s man would expect the SAH parent(always wife) to also do all animal care, arranging of appointments, anything child related, laundry shopping etc and totally underestimate the effort required

Ortega888 · 05/07/2022 18:56

So sorry to hear what’s happening as it sounds as if all the responsibilities are on your shoulders and your feeling overwhelmed and over burdened. Any man who allows this needs sorting out. He will now all you do as he knows he doesn’t have to the cheeky B. So now he needs to man up and help more as he sounds quite lazy. He also needs a phone and driving lessons. Could you get friends and family to help with the kids and the housework that plus home deliveries and a cleaner. If he works part time he needs to work full time to cover the costs of a cleaner and deliveries. Do you do the gardening if so tell him he needs to cover the new gardener costs too as you now need that too. He desperately needs a reality check. It’s amazing how many men are more than happy to leave their wives to do so much more housework and work than themselves. I once had a lazy husband I got rid of him got a divorce and have been so much happier now I am single. Let us know what happens.

Bollindger · 05/07/2022 19:20

Just reply to his mates with the house phone number, or his email address.
Then you can say, but i told them to contact you.
Most of the life admin is only done once a year, and since it is your car, your doing it for you.
The driving , he needs to step up and you need to make him.
If you want him to get a job with better pay tell him, say you want to do less hours so he needs to do more to equal out the income gap.

Grrrrdarling · 05/07/2022 19:25

SurprisinglyKnackered · 04/07/2022 12:20

Good question. I want to feel like my mind has more space in it, and less like I'm drowning in stuff to think about and do (combination of work and home probably). And just to feel less RESPONSIBLE? I do accept that being responsible is just part of being a grown up...

Show quote history

If you want less pressure you need to talk to your partner & explain what you are struggling with.
Communication is key here.
Good luck & I hope you can do some job admin to free up some mind space for your self & relieve some pressure from the relationship 😍

Mirw · 05/07/2022 19:33

Your life, stop whinging. Loads of folks would love to have 3 kids and a partner that cooks and cleans and does jobs round the house. Seems like an okay split to me!

Harridance · 05/07/2022 19:35

Nah, his ethical stance on stuff is massively hypocritical

Gbtch · 05/07/2022 19:51

No your not a 1950s man. Your doing too much!

YDBear · 05/07/2022 20:29

He’s taking the piss. All this crap about “ethics”—tell him “ethics is the county eatht of London” and throw the car keys at his head. Self indulgent tosser!

angela99999 · 05/07/2022 21:15

Sounds so like my situation when my four DC were young but in my case DH worked abroad a lot. It was before the days of fax or email and he'd just say he'd be back in two weeks, sometimes not returning for four months. He's now retired but refuses to use a mobile phone or computer so I do all the financial stuff.
It's really irritating as he's perfectly capable of doing it but just won't.
He was born in the 1940s though so perhaps more understandable than the OP's DP.

BiscuitLover3678 · 05/07/2022 21:16

SurprisinglyKnackered · 04/07/2022 09:58

In relation to the thread title: I worry that I'm underestimating how much DP does in terms of daily unseen tasks (cooking, dishwasher etc), like a 1950s man with a housewife. Although I also think the fact I do about half the laundry, all the shopping, a lot of the kid stuff, etc etc, makes me not like said 1950s man.

I agree. If you were a 1950s man you’d come home from work and sit up and read the paper. 😂

talk to him. You’re overwhelmed

angela99999 · 05/07/2022 21:27

YDBear · 05/07/2022 20:29

He’s taking the piss. All this crap about “ethics”—tell him “ethics is the county eatht of London” and throw the car keys at his head. Self indulgent tosser!

I must admit to agreeing he's a tosser as regards all his ethical claptrap.

The only other person I knew who had a DH like the OP's chose to dump him once the children were old enough to look after themselves in the school holidays. She didn't need the house husband any more and he didn't serve any other useful purpose. She once admitted to me that she'd lost all respect for him and just thought he was a lazy b@st@rd.

whataloadabullocks · 06/07/2022 07:45

So if you do the grocery shopping are you doing the meal plans too, and he 'just' throws it all together? Or does he write you a list?
Who does all the school runs? Who has to pick the kids up if one is ill? (Of course you maybe lucky and have super healthy kids who don't get ill).
When you say he cooks are we talking beans on toast type cooking or proper meals from scratch, because if it's the latter don't underestimate how long it takes.
You sound a bit scathing about his part time job, as if it's more seen a pocket money than a wage (sorry if I've misunderstood what you have written it's just you write it as 'a bit extra').
He needs to get a mobile phone or get LL sorted so he can make his own social arrangements, from that point of view you are not being unreasonable, and I'd be bristling too, and he needs to drive, you both decided to have DC and so he needs to shelve his 'principles' until they are independent after that he can go off grid if he so wishes.
(I'm assuming he doesn't suffer with anxiety....in which case the driving and making appts etc could be a legitimate reason for him not doing these things)
But once he does the shopping then, I think you have a reasonable split of domestic chores. And yes once you have children forget having much free time, it is by and large exhaustingGrin

Flossatops · 06/07/2022 08:52

whataloadabullocks · 06/07/2022 07:45

So if you do the grocery shopping are you doing the meal plans too, and he 'just' throws it all together? Or does he write you a list?
Who does all the school runs? Who has to pick the kids up if one is ill? (Of course you maybe lucky and have super healthy kids who don't get ill).
When you say he cooks are we talking beans on toast type cooking or proper meals from scratch, because if it's the latter don't underestimate how long it takes.
You sound a bit scathing about his part time job, as if it's more seen a pocket money than a wage (sorry if I've misunderstood what you have written it's just you write it as 'a bit extra').
He needs to get a mobile phone or get LL sorted so he can make his own social arrangements, from that point of view you are not being unreasonable, and I'd be bristling too, and he needs to drive, you both decided to have DC and so he needs to shelve his 'principles' until they are independent after that he can go off grid if he so wishes.
(I'm assuming he doesn't suffer with anxiety....in which case the driving and making appts etc could be a legitimate reason for him not doing these things)
But once he does the shopping then, I think you have a reasonable split of domestic chores. And yes once you have children forget having much free time, it is by and large exhaustingGrin

Anxiety? I wouldn't even put it in his head!

BarneyW · 06/07/2022 13:28

DH and I have a flip situation to you and I do EVERYTHING that you have listed above although DH does do the DIY/heavy lifting jobs! We are both permanently knackered but I think we have the balance right. Family life is full on and both people (and kids) need to pull their weight. What does your DP doe while you are working/running around after kids etc? I think you should sit down and have a chat with him about balance of responsibilities.