Am I a 1950s man?

[SurprisinglyKnackered]

I'm knackered and pissed off, and don't know whether to work on myself or try to change the situation. I feel like everything's on me (too much responsibility, etc), and don't know whether this is just life and I need to suck it up or whether my DP needs to do more. Here's the situation:

• 3 teenage/pre-teen kids
• I work full time in social sector. Demanding job (quite well paid, but not massively so). Earn about 80% of family income.
• DP works PT from home, on flexible hours. Brings in a bit of money, but more as an added extra.
• He does most of the day to day cooking.
• He does most of the day to day cleaning.
• He does more of the practical tasks around the house (although not so much contacting professionals to do specific jobs - plumbers, etc. - see point below about mobile phone),
• He does more day to day walking of the dog than I do.
• I organise vets, deworming, etc., of the dog.
• I do all/most of the organising of stuff (deep cleaning/sorting STUFF in the house).
• I do all driving (fair amount, with all kids' stuff) as he doesn't drive.
• I do most of the general arranging of stuff (for kids, for the house, etc), as he doesn't have a mobile phone.
• I organise dentist/doctors' appointments for kids, and mostly take them.
• I mostly take the kids to their clubs, etc. (see driving point).
• I do most of the financial stuff as he doesn't do online banking.
• I do most of the online shops, and all the larger shops in person (see previous point about driving).

DP is a kind, intelligent, responsible man. To be fair to him, before we had kids, I didn't drive or have a mobile phone or do online banking either. It was a way we lived, driven by ethical decisions. But once we had kids, I changed as they grew and needed (I felt) to fit in more with the world their friends lived in. I just feel like I'm carrying so much, and that I may explode. It's become quite a sensitive subject, so I don't want to bring it up again with DP If the answer is that I should work more on myself.

AIBU to think AAAAAARGH?

I still don't understand the driving thing
Ethical reasons ? The aesthetics of the car?

Seems like you’re taking a lot of the ‘mental load’ and it’s taking its toll.

amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

Obviously he is in chipping in with household chores, but it feels like you’re taking on more responsibility.

He needs to learn to drive. This is not negotiable.

This will free up soooooo much time for your occasional rest or recreation, and occasionally being at home on your own for the occasional peaceful child free moment. Etc.

That really is the nub of the issue. How far is he prepared to let children miss out? At the minute he doesn’t have to deal with fall out. If you died tomorrow and he carried on in his stance would he be happy to see them miss out or would he sort? Eg DD’s prom was £25 via scopay online. Would he not pay and deal with upset 16 year old (everyone went). Would he be proactive and ring school/send cash. Maybe think of scenarios where you have done stuff for kids recently is he really happy for them to miss it. If he is then I really don’t think I could be in a relationship with someone who let there kids be upset and repeatedly miss out, it’s deadbeat dad territory.

He can drive just chooses not to due to ethics but the ethics don’t prevent him being a passenger!

And when his mates text my mobile to organise their social arrangements via me, I do sometimes have to grit my teeth!

I would stop doing stuff like this (and giving him lifts anywhere) straight away, you can't choose to opt out of modern life for 'ethical reasons' just to push it all on to someone else and benefit from modern technology in that way

He does seem to want it all his way, working part time using the Internet but offloading a load of home related stuff to you because it's online? He should take over the shopping and banking

At first glance, if vets appointments and dental visits made your top 8? then I suspect you might be massively underestimating what your DP does.

Eh? What are you on this just makes more work for OP.

Don't follow this just stop facilitating him. He needs to sort the shopping, he can do it online, walk, cycle or drive, up to him but if he doesn't do it he deals with the fallout.

Tell his mates once to use DH's email or landline and then mute them/block them.

Divide up kids clubs duty etc. He can either walk/cycle them there, get the bus or drive, but you don't pick up after him. Likewise the admin stuff, divide it up, some are his responsibility, he can use the computer or the landline to sort them. Medical dentist and vet appointments are easily done by phone, insurance is more tricky but he has a computer. Stop picking up after him.

Hopefully his mates or his sports club will do an activity or trip he misses out on because you have resigned as his social secretary.

At first glance, if vets appointments and dental visits made your top 8? then I suspect you might be massively underestimating what your DP does.

Did you bother to read all the OP’s posts? All the Dc have extra medical needs so far more work than normally associated with 3 children.

Why is he working part time? He needs to get a full time job. He sounds lazy as fuck. I couldn't respect a man who behaved that way.

We pay all bills by direct debit - we use an insurance broker who emails us with quotes and we just pay online - dh does supermarket shop.
I cook evening meals which I have done virtually every night for 40+ years of marriage.which incenses me but I know dh would make zero effort so I'm stuck there but someone cooking on the evening would rate v highly withme.
Could you use a laundrette for bedding - could you ignore deep cleaning til DCs have left home or st least dh does some

I think rather than asking “is this fair?” you should ask “is this working?”

it might be a fair split of labour but it’s clearly not working for you and wearing you down. You need to talk about changes you can both make. It doesn’t have to be a blame game or competition. If he’s a decent partner he should want to support you when you are struggling.

Is there a reason why he can't do online stuff on a laptop/ desktop if he works online?

Is there a reason why he can't sort things over the phone and using a calendar and a pen (eg dogs appointments). Presumably he must be online or on the phone for work, and that doesn't cross his ethical boundaries? Why cant he do the online shop on his lunch break or something?

I think fundamentally it's ok to have these ethical preferences but it's starting to really affect yours and your childrens lives and it's not ok to inflict these on others. Sometimes pragmatism has to come into it, for a few years. Like others have said, if you had the same stance, then your kids would really miss out, on a social life, on hobbies, on school stuff. Which most parents would think is not acceptable.

Also why doesnt he work more? If he is opting out of the nitty gritty if family life he could surely at least help by financially contributing more.

I'd lose all respect for a man that expected me to pick up the slack so he could live by his principles. If he insists then he needs to find work arounds that dont rely on you doing the things that are apparently against his principles! Not owning a mobile but being happy to use someone elses to organise your own social life doesnt seem principled it seems pedantic and lazy

We divide jobs with an eye to mental
load. An easy example is that whoever does the laundry also irons and puts away, declutters (all the way out of the house), mends, buys new clothes for kids, checks shoes fit, organises kit for clubs etc, organises dry cleaning, makes the beds etc.

The other partner can help but all the decisions and mental load lie with one person.

would it be worth looking through the household/career responsibilities and grouping them like this?

And if he us going to live by these principles then he needs to find work arounds that work for the family. Eg cycle somewhere with the kids or get an uber with them. Or move somewhere with great transport links

The whole thing is really illogical if they're going to get a lift off you anyway then it doesnt matter which one of you is driving.

I think this thread conflates two issues- 1) his ethical/aesthetic lifestyle choices; and 2) the fact he's not pulling his weight.

I actually have some sympathy with the first issue- there's something to be said for not living your life mediated through a screen and I would respect him for trying it if he wasn't just relying on you to do it all for him. Presumably OP also gets where he's coming from given that she also used to live like this pre-kids. Maybe it's worth some family discussion about how to live in a way which accords with both OP's and her partner's values that isn't just that he gets to stick to his principles and OP deals with the fall out.

Second issue- he's simply not doing enough. There is presumably nothing in his world view that precludes eg making doctors appointments- he's just leaving it to you because he can. I have zero sympathy on this stuff and don't see it as anything to do with his lifestyle choices- he chose to be a dad so he needs to step up.

He would say that if I decide to stop driving or get rid of my mobile that that would be great - we'd just live differently, and the kids would adapt.

This sort of false reasonableness would annoy me. On the surface, it sounds like he's being reasonable but actually it's a complete refusal to compromise- he has set out what he is willing to do and OP's choice is to do everything else or accept a complete change in lifestyle- he won't be budging. It's also inconsistent- if he can't do doctors and dentists etc because he doesn't have a mobile and won't drive, how will these things be dealt with if you give up your phone and car? Obviously you'd find a way to manage, which suggests that he could find a way to manage now if he felt so inclined.

Who does the meal planning out of interest. I can’t fathom how he does all cooking but you do order. Even if he plans and gives you a list surely some stuff is out of stock or you shop to make use of offers.

What are his actual ethical objections to having a phone and driving?

If he’s got 3 kids then he certainly couldn’t give a fuck about the environment!

What the fuck is going on re: mobile phone?!!
His mates text you to organise stuff?
Just no to that.
He can get a cheap PAYG and use it for text and WhatsApp only if he likes.
But the fuck would I be his secretary for that!

Honestly I think this mostly comes down to you having the "family" mobile phone.

I presume this means not only using it for your own life and work, and apparently fending off DH's mates trying to ask him to the pub, but also dealing with any day to day emergencies, kid related things, messages from said kids etc.

Meanwhile he is free to sit on the internet, buzz around at home etc completely uninterrupted.

Can you tell me what his objection to a mobile phone is? If it's the production (mining etc), could he get a second/third hand one which has already been made anyway? Or is he more of a tinfoil hatter and doesn't want the "rays" around him etc.

I hope not but I'm strongly picturing some men people I know who are very "ethical" about some stuff but think nothing of indirectly funding organised crime spaffing money on weed etc from god knows what provenance.

Thanks again for all the responses here. I'll get back more specifically later, but am hugely appreciating all the YANBU and YABU responses. Making me think a lot (as well as laugh at some of them - in a good way ).

One point I should add is that DC2 and 3 are twins, so perhaps this makes the unethicalness of 3 kids a BIT better?! Although point totally accepted - having kids at all is not a very ethical decision, is it?

Thanks again

The fact that YOU organise HIS social events via YOUR mobile is mind blowing. He gets to opt out of all kinds of things because of his supposed "ethical" issues without any of the challenges that come with that such as, for example, missing out on a night at the pub with mates. Also, i totally agree with a PP who pointed out that the issue is that he really doesn't care if the DC don't go to activities etc so the issue is not just laziness, but a basic difference in what he considers important vs what you consider important.

1. Absolutely immediately stop doing ANYTHING using the internet/phone/car that is purely for his benefit. Do not put yourself out in any way whatsoever to do things that refuses to do for "ethical" reasons. Next time his friends text you re a night out for him, simply text them back with your landline number.
2. As you are not willing for the DC to suffer, you can't insist he takes them via some alternative means as he would simply opt out, clearly. However, I think it's perfectly reasonable to say that you're not doing the shopping anymore. He can either choose to do it online and have it delivered, or he can ride a bike or walk or take a bus and do it himself, multiple times per week if necessary. Similarly, any and all appointments can be managed via a landline so he needs to start using that to set up doctor and medical and dental appointments.

You earn 80%.
He "can drive. He just doesn't want to (ethical reasons, and inertia)" so he needs some "refresher" lessons and insurance for your car/a safe old banger.
Assuming he has decent eye sight and some fingers, there is nothing stopping you buying him a mobile phone and handing him the instruction leaflet or getting the kids to teach him
...and he would also able to register for online banking.

50give/50take.