Am I a 1950s man?

[SurprisinglyKnackered]

I'm knackered and pissed off, and don't know whether to work on myself or try to change the situation. I feel like everything's on me (too much responsibility, etc), and don't know whether this is just life and I need to suck it up or whether my DP needs to do more. Here's the situation:

• 3 teenage/pre-teen kids
• I work full time in social sector. Demanding job (quite well paid, but not massively so). Earn about 80% of family income.
• DP works PT from home, on flexible hours. Brings in a bit of money, but more as an added extra.
• He does most of the day to day cooking.
• He does most of the day to day cleaning.
• He does more of the practical tasks around the house (although not so much contacting professionals to do specific jobs - plumbers, etc. - see point below about mobile phone),
• He does more day to day walking of the dog than I do.
• I organise vets, deworming, etc., of the dog.
• I do all/most of the organising of stuff (deep cleaning/sorting STUFF in the house).
• I do all driving (fair amount, with all kids' stuff) as he doesn't drive.
• I do most of the general arranging of stuff (for kids, for the house, etc), as he doesn't have a mobile phone.
• I organise dentist/doctors' appointments for kids, and mostly take them.
• I mostly take the kids to their clubs, etc. (see driving point).
• I do most of the financial stuff as he doesn't do online banking.
• I do most of the online shops, and all the larger shops in person (see previous point about driving).

DP is a kind, intelligent, responsible man. To be fair to him, before we had kids, I didn't drive or have a mobile phone or do online banking either. It was a way we lived, driven by ethical decisions. But once we had kids, I changed as they grew and needed (I felt) to fit in more with the world their friends lived in. I just feel like I'm carrying so much, and that I may explode. It's become quite a sensitive subject, so I don't want to bring it up again with DP If the answer is that I should work more on myself.

AIBU to think AAAAAARGH?

And when his mates text my mobile to organise their social arrangements via me, I do sometimes have to grit my teeth!

as I said you’re enabling him, just stop it or you’re justified resentment will get worse! You’re not his mother! If he does use a computer then his fronds can contact him via that or the house landline.

Interesting distinction between ethical and aesthetic choices. I can see the appeal of living in a simpler way with more real connections and interactions, certainly, but it does't sound as if he is really doing this at the moment- he's getting the benefits of not having a mobile phone etc but none of the disadvantages. Meanwhile you're getting double disadvantage- all the stress of modern living without him taking an equal share.

I would just text back the mates to call him on the landline. You're not his secretary.

@SurprisinglyKnackered

He also does do the online payments for water, gas and electricity bills, and council tax. I do all the phone, computer, broadband, TV stuff. And all car and house insurance (and obviously car maintenance), etc

if he's happy to use the internet, why not a phone?

if he can do some of the 'admin' why not all of it?

why aren't your payments on DD?

tell his mates to email or phone him on the LL, you're not his social secretary

He would say that if I decide to stop driving or get rid of my mobile that that would be great - we'd just live differently, and the kids would adapt. I just can't make that leap. And when his mates text my mobile to organise their social arrangements via me, I do sometimes have to grit my teeth!

You should do more than grit your teeth! Tell them to phone the landline or send him a letter! You are not his social secretary. And getting rid of the mobile would be problematic these days as there are so few call boxes left.

Your DH isn’t simply not pulling his weight; his attitude is downright weird.

Where are his ethical concerns around having 3 children? (I'm not having a pop,have however many you want) This is the most hypocritical thing I have read in a while!

He sounds hard work. If he truly wanted to opt out/live off grid he wouldn’t pick and chose and if he’s concerned re environmental impact he wouldn’t have fathered 3 children (assuming they aren’t triplets!)
Can he up his hours as he’s not able to do more at home due to his life choices.
I’d seriously look at what you both do task wise and time taken and have a discussion.

What is it that you want?

You want him to bring in more money? Do more around the house? Drive?

Appreciate you're struggling. It's not a sarcastic/ rhetorical Q.

Thanks @HarryPopper - interesting take, and I'm reading all perspectives. I reckon the doctor and dentist thing is far bigger than that, actually. All the kids have some medical needs, and there are quite a few appointments, prescriptions to organise and sort, phone calls to make, chasing up of various stuff.

I'm not great at admin, so probably others could do a lot of the stuff I do more efficiently that I do it, to be fair.

I’d stop the mates nonsense. Tell him and his mates you aren’t his social secretary. Then delete everything. I bet he finds a way to contact them. No payments on his behalf so he can’t go to events.

Good question. I want to feel like my mind has more space in it, and less like I'm drowning in stuff to think about and do (combination of work and home probably). And just to feel less RESPONSIBLE? I do accept that being responsible is just part of being a grown up...

The first thing I'd do is block all his bloody mates. Who do they think you are - their social secretary?

He could do online shop if he cooks it makes sense. Just set up account with card no need for mobile banking. If he’s using internet for work it’s no problem to do that at lunchtime.
Make him responsible for all appointments for children - hospitals are still set up for phone/paper letter as some older people don’t have internet etc and hospitals are public transport accessible. He just needs to explain.

He is taking the piss.

I think this has nothing to do with the 1950s, but more to do with him being quite odd, tbh. I don't think I could be going with a husband who doesn't drive. It's too limiting. Also, no mobile phone! Wtf! I think he needs to get over his 'ethics' because he's just putting more strain into you. If he wants to live like that, he should go off grid and be a hermit or something. It's not reasonable or practical in 2022 with kids in school and general life. I don't know how you cope with him OP.

Can you sit down and talk all this through with him, and ask him to take responsibility for some specific things, eg doctors, dentists, prescriptions, vets, banking etc. (As in, be completely on top of them, not just making appointments etc when prompted by you.) Leave it to him to work out how to do it in a way that's compatible with his lifestyle.

Do you buy him things? Eg if he needs some sports equipment only sold online or something bulky do you facilitate it.
I can see dilemma as if you don’t presumably he’d just shrug and say never mind and the kids would miss out because no one had paid online for school trip, able to take them to scout camp etc.
If he was a single parent his life would be a lot harder eg he’d have to make then lunch for school if he wouldn’t top up their lunch accounts online, get a shopping trolley to carry groceries home. I suspect if you went away for a few weeks to somewhere with no phone/internet he’d have overcome some objections.

You are not a 1950s Husband, you are a Woman Who Has It All ie all of the stresses and exhaustion of FT work plus the lion's share of the housework and childcare!
I'm sure there are indeed lots of small 'invisible' jobs he does that you don't see, but that doesn't change the fact he doesn't do a fair number of the big visible jobs. If he is meant to be doing the majority of childcare and house stuff (which he should be if he's home more), it isn't feasible to not drive or have a mobile unless everythingis on your doorstep and the computer is permanently on and pinging when you get emails. I would be dumping it all back on him and letting him figure out if he either relents and rejoins modern life (at least until the DCs are old enough to organise themselves) or finds a tedious and convoluted work-around.

As a comparison, DH is the breadwinner in our house also earning ~80% of our household income and is out of the house/WFH for double the hours I am (50 vs 25). He works FT, but also does all washing up, 1 school pick up per week, showering DCs, ~25% of the gardening, cleans the bathroom once a week, 2 extracurricular drop offs and 1 pick up (only because I'm taking the other DC somewhere else), and deals with the utility bills when it is time to renew deals. I do everything else for the house/garden/DCs inc DIY. Our DCs are a bit younger, but that feels fair a split as we get a similar amount of leisure time and neither of us is more burnt out than the other. I wouldn't expect him to do nothing to help at home/with DCs but if he did all you do OP, I'd be a lady of leisure!

My elderly mum won’t use mobile/internet. She gets around it but it’s harder work. It’s her choice though. Eg if she needs to book a train she goes in person to ticket office.
I suspect you just step in and do it eg quickly go online and book. I’d pause each time and think.

Is part of the issue that you have to think/act for him as well as your DCs? I'd imagine for some tasks it's like having an extra DC. And does he ever reciprocate that level of care for you?

You shouldn't be organising a grown man's social schedule. Similarly who organises your DPs appointments and transportation? Does that fall to you?

I get that he's proactive in terms of set tasks, but not everyone gets to pick and choose what they like. His "ethics" seem very selective. Won't have a mobile, also cba to use a landline... refuses to drive but will accept lifts.

My DM "didn't drive" and was chauffeured around by my dad for 4 decades. Since the divorce funnily enough she's much more independent and drives all over, but she still tries it on for lifts and is often only motivated to drive to things that she wants to do/see. It's stubborness, not a physical or ethical inability.

the ethical thing is hilarious as he has 3 children im more ethical than him and i have a car and a phone (no dc)

he wants a social life tell himt o organise it himself-hes picking and choosing because youre allowing it

youre being a mug

I agree that you've allowed him to 'cherry pick' things to do for the family, and you've decided that because the DC's lives have grown, so yours had to grow to include driving and appointments etc.

I'd sit DH down and tell him that you cannot continue doing all the jobs you do, and that he now has to do some 'growing' of his own to help his DC !

Step 1 is to buy him a mobile phone.
Step 2 is to book driving lessons for him.
Step 3 is to divide all chores/admin/jobs equally i.e so that you both get equal 'downtime' and 'leisure' time.

I think the problem here is the difference between your and his attitudes.

Due to his ethical views (actually IMHO it’s an excuse for laziness, but for the sake of argument let’s just call it that) he doesn’t actually care if some things don’t happen. So if you stopped doing certain things like ferrying the kids around, doing a proper shop etc, they wouldn’t get done and he wouldn’t care - he would just accept it as a “different lifestyle” and expect everyone, especially the kids to adapt.

You on the other hand want to enable your kids to go to clubs, see friends, have access to a varied and interesting diet, etc. It matters to you that the kids get this. You are aware that if they did not have this “luxury” they wouldn’t die, and they would probably adapt. But as their mother you want them to have what YOU perceive as the best, most enriching life you can offer them.

This is a fundamental difference in opinions of what good parenting looks like, and I am sad to say you will struggle to change his mindset.

I have gone through similar with STBXH, albeit his excuse/explanation wasn’t ethics, it was laziness/selfishness. So for example, when I was home at the weekend I would make a nice family breakfast for all of us, including DCs to enjoy. It was family time for all of us and a chance to chill together, have a catch-up, etc.
Due to working shifts though, I am sometimes working over the weekend. On those days, STBXH would sometimes not get up until 11/12 o’clock, so breakfast would be more like lunch, it was rushed because the dogs needed walking and everyone was cranky because they had been lazying around for hours before the “official
start of the day”.
When the DCs complained his answer was they should just sort themselves out, they were teens/pre-teens and were unlikely to starve. And while I understand that yes, he is right, they weren’t going to waste away and are perfectly able to sort their own breakfast as they in fact do every weekday, the issue wasn’t about just feeding themselves. The DCs mostly just enjoyed the family element and the routine of having a breakfast together.
The difference in attitude is massive, and I’m afraid in our case I have now given up to try and make him understand.

It's the mental load, you are carrying that for the whole family. That's what takes up the head space, never being able to switch off. He needs to pull his weight with organising the dc

Its very controversial on here, as the accepted narrative seems to be that cooking and cleaning is a huge job and that a part time or SAHP works just as hard as a working one. But in all honesty, having been in both your position and your partners, I'm inclined to agree with you. Cleaning a house does not take all day. Nutritious meals can be prepared in half an hour. Working part time with responsibility for domestics affords you huge amounts of flexibility and down time that's simply not available to a person working full time. I think he should be doing a lot more. (Just as I'd think a woman in his position should, for the avoidance of doubt.)

Ethical my arse if you’re picking up his slack!

In our household I’m the part time worker, and I do all the stuff you’ve listed that you do, as well as the stuff your dh does. He’s taking the piss and hiding behind “ethics”. I don’t think he’s very ethical at all towards you!