To ask to bring EBF 8mo with allergies to wedding or not?

[Buffyzombie]

My cousin is getting married and has always said no children at his wedding. Other than his own DD and Dnephew. I have been told that being a first cousin isn't classed as immediate family so my 2 DC aren't invited.
My problem is that DD who is 8mo and EBF has allergies and I havent been able to get her on a bottle over the last couple of months, she doesn't like the allergenic milk. My focus has been on my diet and her health, multiple allergies, milk, eggs, wheat and soy so far. This is the first occasion in the calander that has called for me to leave her and she is bottle refusing because of the formula milk we have tried to give her and she won't take.
Wedding is in 3 weeks, I have been asked to confirm tommorow if me and DP can come or not.
Cousin and Fiance have said no as other people have asked to bring children and not fair to do one thing for one person and let me when others are in thr same situation not bringing their DC and have been told no when asked.
DD won't eat anything as has barely weaned and I have offered to pay £100 for DS 2yo as not fair to leave him out. Answer is still no.
My DD can't eat if I don't feed her and through no fault of anyone's is only EBF now.
AIBU to think they should let me bring the kids as its different because the baby is poorly and I physically can't leave her or should I just accept that my attendance is obviously something they aren't that bothered about. In my mind better to have 2 guests come you originally invited plus baby and toddler we would pay for than loose 2 guests you originally wanted there as you say no children welcome, no matter the circumstances?

No, everyone will roll out every excuse about kids so they bring them, their wedding their rules. You either work around it with your DH in a local hotel room and you nip back a few times or you just decline. People who say no kids have to suck it up if sone people can't attend

YANBU about the baby but YABVU and ridiculous about the toddler. I would have more sympathy if it were about logistics but the “it’s not fair on him” line is ridiculous. Since you asked for both children , I’m not remotely surprised the groom and bride said no, you have put them in an incredibly awkward position.

Just decline YABU

YABVU!

I would of said YANBU until you offered money to take your 2yo. A 2yo would not care about missing out on a wedding, they wouldn’t even understand.

Either way it’s up to them and I don’t think they have to let you bring your child so you will just have to decline.

You said you didn’t want 2yo sat in hotel room all day. Could someone not book a hotel room but take them both out nearby and just bring them back so the baby can be fed?

Their wedding, their choice…

Not being unreasonable
Just skip the wedding
Child free wedding's are overrated

You just need to decline, explain (briefly) why so they know it’s not a snub, and wish them all the best.

She is 8 month old. Surely hopefully

She eats more then just breastmilk. Yabu
Decline the invite. They dont want your baby there.

Dd wouldn’t take milk from anything other than the source until 9 months and then it was only a tiny bit from a cup so unless it was a siblings wedding, I would have had to decline. I would expect a sibling to work with me to accommodate the dependent baby, though not the sibling toddler.

a cousin’s wedding is just one of those things you sometimes have to miss because life gets in the way.

Why would the two year old have to stay in a hotel room all day? Whoever is looking after the kids can just take them the park or something.

Having children at our wedding massively spoiled it, not because they were loud or running around, everyone behaved fairly well. But we are childfree, and as everyone has smugly pointed out, what's important on your wedding day is CELEBRATING WITH YOUR LOVED ONES. So tell me more about how I'm supposed to do that when half the guests are off pushing babies to sleep in a pram, off breastfeeding in another room, can't talk because they're running around after toddlers, can't sit and eat because toddler needs to be walked around, and need to leave after a few hours because the kids need to sleep? Such wonderful together time, oh no wait, all the parents completely ignored us and spent the entire wedding wrapped up in their kids. They really, REALLY might as well have not been there.

I’m a parent and I love childfree weddings, great opportunity for a night-off. Appreciate that it’s not the same for people who don’t have a ready supply of childcare, but I don’t know why I’d want to attend with them, or why I’d expect DD to want to come.

I don't agree with childfree weddings, I think they're very odd. But that is what this couple have decided and have made an exception only for their immediate family, which a first cousin once removed isn't. So you have their decision, you need to decide whether there's any way you can possibly attend without your dc. YABU to still be trying to persuade them to have your dc there when they've made their position clear.

I think most reasonable people who choose to have a child free wedding will realise that this means some of the people they invite will have to decline due to childcare issues. It's part and parcel of having a child free wedding so I'm sure your cousin will understand if you can't make it. Could you maybe still go to the evening do once your DD is in bed?

Not read all the responses but you cannot bring them to the wedding and that’s that. Please do not attempt to or suggest it again. If you have to miss it then so be it unfortunately- part and parcel of having children, you will miss out on things.

This strikes a chord. Even well-behaved children need constant supervision, care and just general managing.

My DC was not particularly well-behaved at 2 (liked to run everywhere and climb anything). There is no way I would have let him cause chaos at a wedding, but it would have been a full-time job being constantly 'on' him and I would have been pasting a happy smile on my face to congratulate the bride and groom while simultaneously hissing at my DH to "take him down!" when I noticed DS making a beeline for the wedding cake or presents out of the corner of my eye. (Un)fortunately, several weddings we were due to be attending with DS at that age were cancelled/postponed due to Covid and now, coming up to 5, he is more capable of civilised behaviour for short periods (which is good because we have three family weddings this summer/autumn which DS is very much expected to attend, two as pageboy😬).

As a parent of small children, it baffles me that people might find it odd that the bride and groom object to their wedding turning into a makeshift creche with bored toddlers causing chaos.

How many times do you need to be told no? Jesus wept. Much though I love them kids are noisy little oiks and can and do spoil weddings. Take the hint that yours aren't welcome, no matter how you try and justify it. It's not about you!

Ok it sounds like you have a bit of mum blindness I think all of us get some of this sometimes as our worlds are so full of the small people....but there is a world outside of our children and to be completely honest the part about offering to pay for your two year old so he doesn't feel left out is just batshit. She doesn't want children there in your situation that means you can't go, oh well, that's just how it is.

Weddings are overrated, expensive and exhausting. Babies, on the other hand, I like.

Choose the baby and stay home.

I agree with all of both of these posts.

I like babies and toddlers and small children when the event is about them but some events just aren't about them.
When you have small dc you sometimes miss things that you would like to have gone to, because it isn't appropriate for small children to be there and it just seems less stressful to miss the event than to try and arrange childcare. It is just the way life is. Once they get a bit older, things change again.

I remember taking our toddler to a friend’s wedding. It was exhausting. We had to follow him around constantly as he wouldn’t sit down. I really wanted to have a chat with my friends so DH took over most of the walking around. Luckily he timed his nap as the meal started so we at least got to sit and eat. DS had a great time, we were shattered!

I do think you will laugh at yourself in a few months’ time re: being ‘unfair to a two year old’ but why can’t you get two year old sat and your husband book hotel room at venue and stay with baby and texts you when needed? It’s a shame to miss a family wedding.

Ywnbu to ask about the baby, but asking about a 2yo is very cheeky.

And you YABU to press the issue.

One of my daughters bridesmaids, Annie, had an 10 month old who was still nursing. My daughter had specifically said no children. Annie’s daughter had successful open heart surgery when she was only days old and is doing fine she is now 4 years old. Annie pumped and froze her Brest milk to cover Her daughters needs for the 4 days Annie would be at the wedding. Annie’s parents kept both of her children and her husband was able to attend the wedding also. Annie brought her electric Breast pump and was able to pump even in the bride’s waiting room. If you truly wanted to attend you could and can work it out! I should mention the wedding was on the East coast and Annie lived on the West coast. It can be done.