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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask to bring EBF 8mo with allergies to wedding or not?

158 replies

Buffyzombie · 03/07/2022 22:46

My cousin is getting married and has always said no children at his wedding. Other than his own DD and Dnephew. I have been told that being a first cousin isn't classed as immediate family so my 2 DC aren't invited.
My problem is that DD who is 8mo and EBF has allergies and I havent been able to get her on a bottle over the last couple of months, she doesn't like the allergenic milk. My focus has been on my diet and her health, multiple allergies, milk, eggs, wheat and soy so far. This is the first occasion in the calander that has called for me to leave her and she is bottle refusing because of the formula milk we have tried to give her and she won't take.
Wedding is in 3 weeks, I have been asked to confirm tommorow if me and DP can come or not.
Cousin and Fiance have said no as other people have asked to bring children and not fair to do one thing for one person and let me when others are in thr same situation not bringing their DC and have been told no when asked.
DD won't eat anything as has barely weaned and I have offered to pay £100 for DS 2yo as not fair to leave him out. Answer is still no.
My DD can't eat if I don't feed her and through no fault of anyone's is only EBF now.
AIBU to think they should let me bring the kids as its different because the baby is poorly and I physically can't leave her or should I just accept that my attendance is obviously something they aren't that bothered about. In my mind better to have 2 guests come you originally invited plus baby and toddler we would pay for than loose 2 guests you originally wanted there as you say no children welcome, no matter the circumstances?

OP posts:
scarletisjustred · 04/07/2022 11:11

I attended a wedding with small children. They ran about the church - nearly knocking a jardiniere off a column while the congregation watched it teeter- they wailed and they interrupted the service. Their mother looked on indulgently (and no I didn't see the father there). At that moment I resolved on a child-free wedding. The thing is that most people don't actually like other people's small children especially those with runny noses and sticky hands who whine. I wouldn't want an 8 month old who is likely to cry and fuss at my wedding and it is hardly the bride's fault that your child won't take a bottle.

JenniferBarkley · 04/07/2022 11:35

Immediate family children only is completely the norm here (Ireland) and for obvious sensible reasons. It's shit when you're breastfeeding a bottle refuser (I did with mine to 9 and 19 months) as it does tie you to them especially at bedtime but it's just one of those things.

FrankLampardsBrokenHand · 04/07/2022 11:37

Silverswirl · 04/07/2022 01:00

Couldn’t agree more. It’s the absolute height of selfishness and ego. Someone would rather that their close friends and family just weren’t there rather than shock horror have children ‘spoil’ the day with their loudness and messy ness.
The stories we hear on here about a life long close friend not being able to attend said friends wedding due to having a newborn that they can’t leave. Unbelievable that the bridezilla / groomzilla can’t see past their own vanity and that actually doing this just says they care more about the look of one day than they care about sharing the day (and affirmations in church) with you.
Quite honestly anyone who did this to me I would think of very differently and it would taint my whole relationship with them forever.

Show quote history

Oh right. We were struggling with the finality of infertility when we got married so opted not to invite children, because frankly I just didn't want the constant reminder on my wedding day. If any of our family or friends would have taken issue with it, I suspect they wouldn't have been welcome at our wedding either.

The world is not black and white, and it certainly does not revolve around your children.

rainbowmilk · 04/07/2022 11:41

@FrankLampardsBrokenHand 💐to you. I remember commenting similarly on another of these threads and being told I needed to get over it and stop being so sensitive. People who comment about it being selfish are the ones childfree weddings are designed for imho.

GlitteryGreen · 04/07/2022 11:46

No sorry. I think it was reasonable to explain the situation your with your DD due to the health issues but not to also ask to bring your 2yo because it's 'unfair to leave him out'. Just don't go.

Original poster
Buffyzombie · 04/07/2022 11:49

Yes, massive eye roll to PP who said 8mo is manipulating me. Thanks for all the well wishes on the allergy and EBF journey with my LO.
I will as suggested call and decline politely, no hard feelings and wish them a very happy day and suggested a meet up soon with them and to raise a glass.
Cheers for all the advice

OP posts:
KyaClark · 04/07/2022 11:57

My friend wanted a child-free wedding but relented and had family children only.

Their nephew climb on top of the chairs around a circular table and used it at a fucking race track while he parents did absolutely fuck all to stop him.

This is why people say no kids - because selfish twats don't control their children.

(I have two of my own and I was happy to leave them).

AubadeIsIt · 04/07/2022 15:35

CJsGoldfish · 04/07/2022 00:28

I can't believe you asked if you could bring your 2 year old. Especially because it's 'not fair' to leave them out. They're not going to know and I can't help thinking that is setting you up for a whole lot more difficulty going forward.
I kinda feel like you're hoping to 'persuade' them to allow your 8mth old who really should be ok to leave for a good chunk of time if the actual wedding really was as important to you as you say it is.

I find the people scathing about child free weddings are generally the ones who people have in mind when they insist on it 😂
I absolutely love cf events, more so the older I get and the more entitled parents and children I come across.

I do agree that a party without children is better but I wouldn't miss out on having loved ones there who, in addition to travel, accommodation, clothing and gift expenses may not be able to secure child care. I'd include child care myself on site, and spend a couple thousand less on the aesthetic stuff.

zingally · 04/07/2022 16:45

Then you just don't go. It seems very clear to me.

Cousin is allowed to do the whole "no kids" thing at his wedding if he wants. It's a thing people do quite often, on the clear understand that it may mean that certain people aren't able to attend.

Frankly, I'd be thrilled to have such an easy excuse to get out of a cousins wedding!

Just let it go. On this occasion, you won't be able to attend.

ele4phant · 04/07/2022 17:35

It doesn't matter what other kids are there.

They've made a decision about what kids they are willing to make expectations for. You don't have to agree, it's not your day.

It is adding stress on them to keep asking for something they've already said no to. Also, if they make an exception for you, they will get more pressure.

Be gracious, RSVP no, send them a nice gift, and try to catch up with the new couple later.

501Venus · 04/07/2022 18:21

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mistydesert · 04/07/2022 19:14

YABU. The couple getting married have the right to not have children at their wedding.

Original poster
Buffyzombie · 04/07/2022 19:23

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Wow!

OP posts:
FabriGeek · 04/07/2022 19:37

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Original poster
Buffyzombie · 04/07/2022 19:42

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Also wow!

OP posts:
Womencanlift · 04/07/2022 20:07

I do think the OP is unreasonable and mentioned it up thread but come on now she has accepted she is wrong and has called her cousin to decline. The last couple of posters have taken it too far

Buffyzombie · 04/07/2022 20:12

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sillydancingwitch · 05/07/2022 04:33

Forcing your kids into the party will make no one happy. Simply decline and tell them why.
It's obvious they do not want your children there (I love children) But these people do not. Spend the day having fun with your kids You do not have to buy a present.

JoannTJ · 05/07/2022 04:59

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MRex · 05/07/2022 05:21

It was fine to ask about the baby but not the 2yo, who you could have made other arrangements for. Anyway, they said no, so you decline the invite because you need to be able to feed the baby. It's part and parcel of the choice they made to exclude children that this can exclude the parents in some situations. It's just a wedding, relax.

Musti · 05/07/2022 05:26

could you go for the day and then go home and so your baby has milk in the morning and at night? At 8 months I’m presuming they don’t need bm all day. Could leave a bottle of expressed bm? Mine didn’t like to drink from a bottle if I was around so had to leave the house and they would accept it from their dad

driedgrassinavase · 05/07/2022 05:31

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Who pissed in your coffee? Is there really any need to be that rude?

acuteanxiety · 05/07/2022 05:47

They sound not very kind

Don't go

MayMi · 05/07/2022 05:50

You're not being unreasonable in wanting to at least bring your DD with you (my DD is very similar to yours so I really understand!). However your cousin and his fiancé are not being accommodating and it's too much for you to try to figure a way for both your DD to be ok and for you to go to the wedding. So in the end I think unfortunately you can't go to the wedding.

If it makes you feel better then maybe you can plan a nice family day of your own on that day.

acuteanxiety · 05/07/2022 05:50

My cousin did this to me but my husband was a plus one who wasn't invited. I've been married to him for 9 years in October and she was my bridesmaid. The whole family really love him.
I was extremely offended and hurt that he was considered a plus one

Don't go to the wedding they mustn't hold you as highly as you hold them (this is obviously what happened with my cousin)

I had had a baby 7 weeks before and they were not invited either.

I was also invited after the RSVP date it was so so offensive