To ask to bring EBF 8mo with allergies to wedding or not?

[Buffyzombie]

My cousin is getting married and has always said no children at his wedding. Other than his own DD and Dnephew. I have been told that being a first cousin isn't classed as immediate family so my 2 DC aren't invited.
My problem is that DD who is 8mo and EBF has allergies and I havent been able to get her on a bottle over the last couple of months, she doesn't like the allergenic milk. My focus has been on my diet and her health, multiple allergies, milk, eggs, wheat and soy so far. This is the first occasion in the calander that has called for me to leave her and she is bottle refusing because of the formula milk we have tried to give her and she won't take.
Wedding is in 3 weeks, I have been asked to confirm tommorow if me and DP can come or not.
Cousin and Fiance have said no as other people have asked to bring children and not fair to do one thing for one person and let me when others are in thr same situation not bringing their DC and have been told no when asked.
DD won't eat anything as has barely weaned and I have offered to pay £100 for DS 2yo as not fair to leave him out. Answer is still no.
My DD can't eat if I don't feed her and through no fault of anyone's is only EBF now.
AIBU to think they should let me bring the kids as its different because the baby is poorly and I physically can't leave her or should I just accept that my attendance is obviously something they aren't that bothered about. In my mind better to have 2 guests come you originally invited plus baby and toddler we would pay for than loose 2 guests you originally wanted there as you say no children welcome, no matter the circumstances?

I don't think you are unreasonable about the 8 month old. I think it's mean hearted they can't make an exception - although as they won't you'll just have to not go.
Bringing the 2 year old as well is a bit different - can understand why you'd want to but he's not dependent on you in same way.

YABVU. You may think it's better to have 2 people they wanted there plus a bonus 2 children, but to many people, children are nowhere near a bonus at a wedding. Just because your DD is poorly doesn't mean that she's any more welcome than other children and you sound very entitled. Many people have no children with the exception of 1 or 2 very close or chosen ones and that's perfectly okay. Just tell them no and let them know why. If they wanted you there that badly then they would invite your kids without being pushed into it.

No harm in declining the invite, but at 8 months she can go a fair few hours without breast milk.
could you not just attend for the ceremony and come back later for a few hours in the evening if someone else was willing to babysit nearby?
when my daughter wouldn’t get off breastfeeding I went away for a couple of days and by the time I got back she was off the breast.
i know she’s very young but trust me she knows how to manipulate you even at this age.
you’re allowed a few hours without her BF she won’t come to any harm.

I can't believe you asked if you could bring your 2 year old. Especially because it's 'not fair' to leave them out. They're not going to know and I can't help thinking that is setting you up for a whole lot more difficulty going forward.
I kinda feel like you're hoping to 'persuade' them to allow your 8mth old who really should be ok to leave for a good chunk of time if the actual wedding really was as important to you as you say it is.

I find the people scathing about child free weddings are generally the ones who people have in mind when they insist on it 😂
I absolutely love cf events, more so the older I get and the more entitled parents and children I come across.

You OP as very focused on why you can't leave your baby so you really have no choice but to decline sorry. Its not about saving money its likely they don't want the noise and distraction associated with very young children.

You’ve muddied the waters by trying to include your two year old. You should have just asked for the baby to attend. Anyway it’s clearly a no so you don’t go….

I would have stuck to just asking for the 8mo. A 2yo will be a pain at a formal childfree wedding, and there is no reason to have them there.
As it is, I would just stay away.
Off topic, but I would talk to your healthcare provider and ask what kind of nutritional supplements your 8mo should be getting, unless you are already doing this. If she's going to be pretty much living on BF for a whlie, I would make sure she gets supplemented with iron, zinc and a few other things.

If the wedding is more than a couple of hours drive away then I think you'll have to decline.

If it's local then I don't see why you can't go for a few hours. At 8 months old your dd shouldn't be feeding all the time and if she will have porridge with oat milk and pureed food, you can get a fair amount of liquids in that way.

I think if it was close enough I'd leave pureed food, porridge, breast milk in a cup and goats formula milk in a cup, my ds couldn't have dairy and the goats milk one was the best for him. Also dairy free yoghurts, fruit and any snack that has a high water content. You could easily go for half a day/ whole evening and she would be fine.

Or if it's really close, nip back and do the feeds.

Sorry if you have said how far it is, I tried to read all the messages, but may have missed one.

You absolutely can't take a toddler as well. The baby is one thing, but it's just cheeky to bring a toddler as well.

Just to say for thoose that said I was "bribing" the bride and groom they stated the reason for not more children than the 2 that were already going was the costs per head so I thought I was being helpful not guilt tripping by offering to pay for the place. And the "not fair " aspect I guess relates to me feeling he would feel left out if we were all dressed up to take his sister somewhere nice and not him. Maybe that's just my mum guilt kicking In.

Couldn’t agree more. It’s the absolute height of selfishness and ego. Someone would rather that their close friends and family just weren’t there rather than shock horror have children ‘spoil’ the day with their loudness and messy ness.
The stories we hear on here about a life long close friend not being able to attend said friends wedding due to having a newborn that they can’t leave. Unbelievable that the bridezilla / groomzilla can’t see past their own vanity and that actually doing this just says they care more about the look of one day than they care about sharing the day (and affirmations in church) with you.
Quite honestly anyone who did this to me I would think of very differently and it would taint my whole relationship with them forever.

What about the entitled arseholes who sit still whilst the result of their failed contraception run wild or scream the house down during the ceremony? I'd think a whole lot less of them.

Prehaps if more people actually parented their DC then there would be less childfree weddings.

Your child screaming at the top of their voice, shouting for no reason or running around tables isn't 'cute'.

It would taint my relationship with a friend if they thought that was ok.

Other peooles lives don't revolve around your children. Prehaps if there were less parentzillas around there would be less childfree weddings.

Sounds tricky with your 8mo allergies but I think you’re mixing that with the wedding. DS started solids at 6mo but couldn’t have been left for more than about 4 hours at 8mo. By 10mo he could be left for a few days (and I am still breastfeeding on top of solids at a year). Regardless of allergies you go or you don’t go. Sounds like 8mo isn’t and can’t eat solids, and can’t take formula so your only option is to decline.

YABU. Everyone with children will have circumstances that they could convey to the bride and groom for why their children should be the exception to the rule. They made their decision clear from the outset, it would probably cause a lot of bad feeling if you turned up with your children and they've told all the other guests that there's no children attending apart from 2. Just decline and maybe meet them for a nice dinner or something to celebrate at another time?

YABU. Child free wedding is not necessarily about the money, it’s about not wanting children disrupting the ceremony/speeches etc.

We are having a mostly child free wedding. Just my niece (5) and nephew (14) because they are my brothers kids and DN is being a flower girl. The only other exception is my fiancé’s cousin’s child because, if they come, they will be flying in from abroad so seems unreasonable to ban him.

It’s more likely due to costs than aesthetics

Having to pay for guests’ DC (particularly family that they “have” to invite) soon adds up and means the couple cannot afford to pay for people they actually want there

If you were my friend with that attitude then I would look at you differently too

It's not selfish not wanting someone else's kids at weddings... 🙄 It's not usually for aesthetics usually either. It's simply that some of us don't want kids there because of numerous reasons including the blind parenting entitlement which is also shown on this thread.

Op asked, they said no, it's really not that hard to understand that no means no, not "wellllll maybeeeee". Time to stop and just say "can't attend". Simple as that.

Sorry meant to quote the posts above that were talking about the Instagram aesthetics

He’s TWO ffs! You’ve a hard road ahead if this is the one you’re choosing

Don't be guestzilla. Just decline.

Leave the toddler elsewhere with family and take the baby (ask first). If they can't appreciate that the baby can't be without you then are you sure you want to attend their wedding?

We had no children at ours (most friends hadn't had children yet and very few in the family too) but we would have allowed a new baby!

Did you not try expressed milk in a bottle in the first place?

Not all babies will take a bottle… mine didn’t… but presumably expressed breast milk is more palatable to a baby than formula?

It is really stressful having a high need baby , but unfortunately asking you take the 2 year old will have looked like taking the piss and being a pain over their decision. Personally I think babes in arms should be acceptable where there are clear difficulties such as yours, and it is sad that you can’t go.

I hope things settle down with your baby.

Well the bottom line is they’ve said no, repeatedly, and you can’t leave the baby. So your decision is made. You can’t go and they lose the money for yours and your DP’s attendance.

Personally I think it’s shitty of them not to let you bring the baby at least (it’s not like she’d cost anything) but it’s their wedding and they said no.

You can’t take it personally. They don’t want children and you have children so you have to politely decline. I get what they are saying if they allow yours then others who have maybe struggled and found childcare Would be put out. One of my daughters friends said no children and her step sister decided that her 6 month old didn’t count so took him. He screamed through the whole service and spoilt the brides entrance ( not his fault obviously and not saying urs would do that ). The grooms best man was fuming as he had a 3 month old being looked after in the hotel so the atmosphere wasn’t good. respect their wishes and wish them well. Good luck with your little ones.