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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask to bring EBF 8mo with allergies to wedding or not?

158 replies

Buffyzombie · 03/07/2022 22:46

My cousin is getting married and has always said no children at his wedding. Other than his own DD and Dnephew. I have been told that being a first cousin isn't classed as immediate family so my 2 DC aren't invited.
My problem is that DD who is 8mo and EBF has allergies and I havent been able to get her on a bottle over the last couple of months, she doesn't like the allergenic milk. My focus has been on my diet and her health, multiple allergies, milk, eggs, wheat and soy so far. This is the first occasion in the calander that has called for me to leave her and she is bottle refusing because of the formula milk we have tried to give her and she won't take.
Wedding is in 3 weeks, I have been asked to confirm tommorow if me and DP can come or not.
Cousin and Fiance have said no as other people have asked to bring children and not fair to do one thing for one person and let me when others are in thr same situation not bringing their DC and have been told no when asked.
DD won't eat anything as has barely weaned and I have offered to pay £100 for DS 2yo as not fair to leave him out. Answer is still no.
My DD can't eat if I don't feed her and through no fault of anyone's is only EBF now.
AIBU to think they should let me bring the kids as its different because the baby is poorly and I physically can't leave her or should I just accept that my attendance is obviously something they aren't that bothered about. In my mind better to have 2 guests come you originally invited plus baby and toddler we would pay for than loose 2 guests you originally wanted there as you say no children welcome, no matter the circumstances?

OP posts:
Zeebs27 · 03/07/2022 23:08

Buffyzombie · 03/07/2022 22:58

I dont want to add extra stress to their day. There are 2 children going already. My cousins DD and his Dnephew. Also, I really do want to go. It's a really tough decision to decline. I feel sad about the whole thing

You've already added stress by asking if you can bring not one but two children to their wedding.

You might really want to go, but they really don’t want kids at their wedding and it’s their wedding so they should get the final say without being made to feel guilty about it

YesNoMaybeNot · 03/07/2022 23:09

AubadeIsIt · 03/07/2022 23:02

Yanbu and you shouldn't go. You're right to put your baby's needs before those of people who are too good to have children at their wedding (I've never understood how this concept could be viewed as acceptable). Hope the EBF continues wellFlowers

Of course it's acceptable (and we did have children at ours)

Nothing to do with being to 'good'. Not everyone wants your little cherubs at their wedding

Greensleeves · 03/07/2022 23:09

It's simple, I'm afraid - their child-free aesthetic is more important to them than having you there on their big day. I would have declined as soon as the invitations arrived, but I think child-free weddings are incredibly tasteless, vain and self-absorbed. Either it's about sharing your big life event with family, friends and the people who love you, or it's about colour-co-ordinated accessories and insta-perfect photos. One is a joy and a privilege to attend, the other is a crashing bore and a cringefest.

bloodyunicorns · 03/07/2022 23:09

Taking your 8mo is totally different to your 2yo!! Cheeky to ask to bring the latter, more reasonable to ask to bring the former.

Missscarletintheconservatory · 03/07/2022 23:10

YABU.
I have an EBF baby a little younger than yours and would have declined an invitation to a child free wedding.
People who say babes in arms are different - they're not. Babies are children.
There will be other cousins or friends whi have to get childcare, or decline, and you'll just cause headaches for the couple if they make an exception for you.
It is rubbish, you have my sympathy, but I still think YABU.

I did bring my baby to a wedding recently but stayed outside during the service, which was appreciated by the couple.

Wednesdayafternoon · 03/07/2022 23:12

I don't think your attendance isn't something they're bothered about, I think it's about the fact they have said no children and they obviously have their own reasoning for this.
I bf both do my boys, my youngest has a cmpa and both NEVER took a bottle. I had to miss out on things but that's just the way it was.
Try and not take this personally and just remember this is their day that they've planned and paid for.
I would just politely decline and move onwards.

Foxglovers · 03/07/2022 23:13

Just don’t go? Your kids come first? I have young kids and have to decline loads of things because of this?

AllyCatTown · 03/07/2022 23:14

It’s a shame it’s not working out but they’ve declined your suggestion so looks like you can’t go unless you find a solution where you can drop in on the baby for feeds.

NoRegretsNoTearsGoodbye · 03/07/2022 23:15

I love all the people being so judgemental about child free weddings 🙄. If the B&G could rely on parents to remove children when they’re being noisy then maybe this wouldn’t be a thing but I’ve been to several weddings where either the service, the speeches or both have been ruined for everyone else by kids screaming, crying or just generally misbehaving. Why should they have to do that?

MrsAvocet · 03/07/2022 23:16

Yes, you need to decline.
They've made it quite clear that your children aren't invited. I'm afraid you need to accept their decision.
It's a shame, but that's life. I can sympathise as I also had bottle refusers with allergies and appreciate your difficulties. But the bottom line is that they don't want your children there and you can't leave the baby so you have no real alternative but to stay at home. If you keep pushing then chances are there's going to be falling out. You might not agree with their decision, and it's not what I'd do either so I can see why you feel as you do, but they are perfectly entitled to invite or not invite whoever they like. It's their day and if you want to maintain any future relationship with them the best thing to do is sent a polite message saying sorry, under the circumstances we won't be able to make it but we hope you have a lovely day.

Original poster
Buffyzombie · 03/07/2022 23:16

I guess I didnt decline straight away as thought I could get DD on a bottle by now but with all the allergy complications it's been a bit of a journey. I will send a polite decline tommorow and wish them a happy day. It's a shame

OP posts:
Happytap · 03/07/2022 23:21

Not related to the wedding - but at 8 months would she take some expressed milk from a cup? My daughter never took a bottle and I breastfed her until she was almost three but when I was away or out from 6 months old she just had expressed milk in a cup and from 1 year she had fortified oat milk from a cup and I just fed as usual when I was back.

my little boy is almost 1 and I’ve never tried a bottle with him - just straight to a cup with expressed milk.

Just an idea if it would help give you a few hours to yourself every now and then

Mossstitch · 03/07/2022 23:27

About to say the same as happy tap, i had three, none ever had bottles but could drink from a spout cup from 3 months. You could try expressing milk and teach her to drink from a cup fir babysitter if you want to go.

YesNoMaybeNot · 03/07/2022 23:27

Greensleeves · 03/07/2022 23:09

It's simple, I'm afraid - their child-free aesthetic is more important to them than having you there on their big day. I would have declined as soon as the invitations arrived, but I think child-free weddings are incredibly tasteless, vain and self-absorbed. Either it's about sharing your big life event with family, friends and the people who love you, or it's about colour-co-ordinated accessories and insta-perfect photos. One is a joy and a privilege to attend, the other is a crashing bore and a cringefest.

Each to their own but maybe if parents could take their precious DC out when they are singing through vows, or shouting loudly throughout or in one I've been to, being allowed to run up and down the aisle, then so many these days wouldn't be childfree.

SherbertLemonDrop · 03/07/2022 23:31

Yabu just say you can't go. DH could still go if you're worried they'll be annoyed.

Original poster
Buffyzombie · 03/07/2022 23:37

Oat milk is amazing stuff, has completely saved my coffee after going dairy free and DD likes it in porridge and other puree stuff I give to her so will give to her after 1 to drink. But yes I need to try pumping and milk in a sippy cup rather than a bottle she's definitely old enough at 8 months to go to that rather than a bottle. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Buffyzombie · 03/07/2022 23:42

Thanks to everyone for your replies. Tough phone call to make tommorow to my cousin but its the right thing to do for me and my baby, and the bride and groom.

OP posts:
MiniPiccolo · 03/07/2022 23:43

She's 8m old. She should be on enough solids and a cup of water to be fine away from you for several hours.

yuri46 · 03/07/2022 23:49

Yabu. Don't embarrass yourself or the bride and groom anymore, and just decline.

MuddlingThroughLifeLittleByLittle · 03/07/2022 23:49

Yabu. Just say sorry we can't due to 8m old.

whynotwhatknot · 03/07/2022 23:50

no and its unfair of you to offer money aswell it clearly isnt about that

waveyourpompoms · 03/07/2022 23:52

YABU. They don’t want kids there.

You want them to make an exception for your kids because of X reason, Judy wants them to make an exception for hers because of Y reason, Ted wants them to make an exception for his because of Z reason.

It goes on and on. It was very cheeky of you to even ask to bring not only one but two kids when they have already been clear.

Happyplace88 · 03/07/2022 23:55

Sorry OP, you were being unreasonable about bringing your 8 month old but I’m gobsmacked with you being cheeky enough to ask if you can bring a two year old as it’s “not fair”!!!
It’s crap but it is what it is. Your kids won’t be invited everywhere, and it’s tough. Decline and send a nice card.

Butterbeer4All · 03/07/2022 23:55

YABU. No need to be upset with them, it's their wedding. Stop making it into a big deal and decline the invitation.

Kite22 · 03/07/2022 23:57

I agree with 96% of voters.
YABVU to pressurise them and try and bribe them into letting you not only take the baby (which I understand your argument for, even though I think you are wrong to try and guilt them in to it), but to also then say "and the 2 yr old" Hmm

Of course you should just say "thanks for the invitation but we are not going to be able to make it" , if you don't feel there are arrangements you can make.
If it is relatively local, I think there are probably a few options you could look at if you really want to go, but if you don't want to, then you should just politely decline and you should not have tried to guilt the couple into making exceptions for your dc when others aren't invited.