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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask to bring EBF 8mo with allergies to wedding or not?

158 replies

Buffyzombie · 03/07/2022 22:46

My cousin is getting married and has always said no children at his wedding. Other than his own DD and Dnephew. I have been told that being a first cousin isn't classed as immediate family so my 2 DC aren't invited.
My problem is that DD who is 8mo and EBF has allergies and I havent been able to get her on a bottle over the last couple of months, she doesn't like the allergenic milk. My focus has been on my diet and her health, multiple allergies, milk, eggs, wheat and soy so far. This is the first occasion in the calander that has called for me to leave her and she is bottle refusing because of the formula milk we have tried to give her and she won't take.
Wedding is in 3 weeks, I have been asked to confirm tommorow if me and DP can come or not.
Cousin and Fiance have said no as other people have asked to bring children and not fair to do one thing for one person and let me when others are in thr same situation not bringing their DC and have been told no when asked.
DD won't eat anything as has barely weaned and I have offered to pay £100 for DS 2yo as not fair to leave him out. Answer is still no.
My DD can't eat if I don't feed her and through no fault of anyone's is only EBF now.
AIBU to think they should let me bring the kids as its different because the baby is poorly and I physically can't leave her or should I just accept that my attendance is obviously something they aren't that bothered about. In my mind better to have 2 guests come you originally invited plus baby and toddler we would pay for than loose 2 guests you originally wanted there as you say no children welcome, no matter the circumstances?

OP posts:
SunshineAndFizz · 04/07/2022 08:35

I still can't believe you asked, even though you knew it was child free. And when they said no, you asked again, with money.

It's really not a difficult decision/conversation, "so sorry, we'd love to be there but I'm still breastfeeding so we'll have to decline unfortunately. Hope you have an amazing day."

EveningOverRooftops · 04/07/2022 08:40

Buffyzombie · 03/07/2022 22:58

I dont want to add extra stress to their day. There are 2 children going already. My cousins DD and his Dnephew. Also, I really do want to go. It's a really tough decision to decline. I feel sad about the whole thing

It’s not tough. You have a sick baby that needs you.

you have a cousin that doesn’t want any kids there.

you have no reason to feel guilty. Your cousin has made it clear you’re not that important enough to be there hence no kids
and no exception for you despite your sick child.

decline the invite.

lolil · 04/07/2022 08:42

Buffyzombie · 03/07/2022 23:42

Thanks to everyone for your replies. Tough phone call to make tommorow to my cousin but its the right thing to do for me and my baby, and the bride and groom.

Why is it a tough phone call?

It seems like you have made yourself a much more important factor in their wedding than you actually are. You got an invite, you can't go, that's it. You decline. It's not a tough phone call.

choolaboola · 04/07/2022 08:44

lolil · 04/07/2022 08:42

Why is it a tough phone call?

It seems like you have made yourself a much more important factor in their wedding than you actually are. You got an invite, you can't go, that's it. You decline. It's not a tough phone call.

Show quote history

Yeah, please don't guilt trip them during said phone call. Your parenting choices are your own business, nobody else's.

JorisBonson · 04/07/2022 08:55

Greensleeves · 03/07/2022 23:09

It's simple, I'm afraid - their child-free aesthetic is more important to them than having you there on their big day. I would have declined as soon as the invitations arrived, but I think child-free weddings are incredibly tasteless, vain and self-absorbed. Either it's about sharing your big life event with family, friends and the people who love you, or it's about colour-co-ordinated accessories and insta-perfect photos. One is a joy and a privilege to attend, the other is a crashing bore and a cringefest.

It wasn't an aesthetic for me, or anything to do with Instagram. I'm child free by choice, I don't particularly like children and didn't want them there. If my friends had declined I wouldn't have been offended.

Your post was really quite judgemental.

rainbowmilk · 04/07/2022 08:57

I always smile when I see the inevitable "insta-perfect" sneery posts, as my experience is that the insta weddings are those with children rather than without.

I went to a fair few weddings in the last decade and the two childfree ones were small and intimate, very informal, with a pub meal afterwards. Really lovely, I've got great memories of those. The others... the children have been used as decorative props in their cute outfits (and on more than one occasion, a guest try to dress their child up the same way and sneak them into the photos as an additional page boy/flower girl) and made to pose for 'cute' photos for their parents (including on one occasion, a mum taking a picture of her child walking up the aisle after the bride and groom and shouting).

The atmosphere at those weddings has been more akin to a prom at a creche - a rare opportunity for the parents to see their kids in a fancy outfit and therefore to take three billion pictures of it for the #makingmemories posts on social media. The fact that the event was ostensibly to celebrate someone else has been lost entirely.

Notonthestairs · 04/07/2022 09:01

I think you need to keep the phone call light. They already know why it would be difficult for you to attend. Just a sorry we can't make it work but have a fabulous day and lets get together to celebrate when you are back from the honeymoon.

Lalliella · 04/07/2022 09:06

I personally hate child-free weddings, I think weddings are family events and children are family so should be included, plus they (generally) add to the joy of the occasion.

However, it’s their wedding, their choice. You can’t take the baby. And definitely not the toddler! Can you not express? Baby might take a bottle of expressed milk as it would smell familiar. Even if she refuses, at 8 months she should be eating other stuff so it won’t affect her that much to go a few hours without breast milk.

AWobABobBob · 04/07/2022 09:08

Greensleeves · 03/07/2022 23:09

It's simple, I'm afraid - their child-free aesthetic is more important to them than having you there on their big day. I would have declined as soon as the invitations arrived, but I think child-free weddings are incredibly tasteless, vain and self-absorbed. Either it's about sharing your big life event with family, friends and the people who love you, or it's about colour-co-ordinated accessories and insta-perfect photos. One is a joy and a privilege to attend, the other is a crashing bore and a cringefest.

Oh give over you judgmental snob. It's more to do with costs, I.e I'd rather an adult friend attended who will actually remember the day and share my happiness than a toddler who will get bored and restless. You do know that some venues are pay per head and some venues have limited places available.

CrispieCake · 04/07/2022 09:08

YABVU to ask to take the 2 year old. Prime trouble causing age unless you're planning to tie him to the seat and duct tape his mouth shut. That's the only way mine would have sat quietly through a wedding at that age.

On the baby, I don't think either of you are being unreasonable but ultimately it's their wedding. You've made it clear that it will be difficult for you to come without the baby, they've implicitly accepted you can't be there by saying the baby can't come. So ultimately your attendance just isn't that important to them.

DoNotGetADog · 04/07/2022 09:08

They should be able to have the wedding they want without you badgering them to change their minds and guilt-tripping them about it.

That said, it might well have been the case that they would have let you bring the baby in your circumstances. But you couldn’t just leave it at that could you? You had to also insist that your two year old come as well.

Two year olds are probably the worst age to have at a wedding and exactly what they wanted to avoid. So of course they’ve said no.

But I also think you have weakened the case for bringing your baby as you seem like you’re just obsessed with bringing your kids and will make up any excuse now.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 04/07/2022 09:17

I have to say I think attending any wedding with an 8mo and a 2yo in tow sounds like so much hard work I can't imagine you enjoying it at all. Both of those are very sweet and entirely inconvenient ages.

I wouldn't find it difficult to decline in your circumstances. I would assume anyone planning a child-free wedding (which is fine) would be understanding if a number of invitees with children decline. It's really not up to anyone else to decide whether you should try harder with the bottle or arrange a babysitter close by so you can nip out and feed during the wedding or whatever. And massive eye roll at the PP who said your breastfed 8mo is manipulating you Grin

lamaze1 · 04/07/2022 09:21

Yabvu and actually entitled.

You were told no, tried to push the envelope and then seemingly posted this seeking validation.

It's their wedding. Their rules. It's irrelevant if other kids are going. I begrudgingly allowed kids of immediate family only (having since had kids, I would still have preferred no children). I'd have been pretty ticked off as bride or groom had I encountered this scenario and been put under this sort of pressure as it will have added stress / awkwardness at having to politely bat away / explain attempts to circumvent the decision on the attendance of children.

Prinnny · 04/07/2022 09:21

Cringing for you trying push the two year old into the guest list! It’s a child free wedding why the hell would they want a toddler who could scream/paddy/cause chaos during the ceremony 🙈🙈🙈

I suggest a bright and breezy text rather than a phone call, no blaming, no trying to guilt trip just ‘really sorry we can’t make it DD is still EBF, have a fab day, I’ll send a card with auntie glenis’ …don’t make it any worse than it already is!

itsgettingweird · 04/07/2022 09:29

I think you probably pushed it when wanting to bring your 2yo as well.

An 8mo with long term health problems and 2 yo are entirely different!

I'd try again to ask about the baby only and if it's a resounding no still then you'll have to decline.

Wnikat · 04/07/2022 09:40

Just don't go, it's not that big a deal, and it's not about you.

elliejjtiny · 04/07/2022 09:49

Sorry OP. I've been there with having to decline child free events because of dc's health/disabilities. Declining does seem to be the only option though.

Redbone · 04/07/2022 10:00

YABVU

SquigglePigs · 04/07/2022 10:05

You were definitely not being unreasonable asking to take the baby given the circumstances. Asking to take the two year old too was a bit much though and as others have said, they wouldn't have cared about missing it. Unfortunately given the couple are not budging in the baby you just won't be able to go. It is a shame but there isn't really another option.

EL8888 · 04/07/2022 10:06

Their wedding = their decision. They don’t have to have children if they don’t want to. The allergies are a red herring. Baby will be 8 months old and not milk dependent.

Twizbe · 04/07/2022 10:17

Decline.

It's sad but that's what it is. If it helps, I had to decline a child free wedding for similar reasons. I really agonised over the decisions as I felt massively guilty.

In the end it was fine. I couldn't have left my daughter (5 months EBF bottle refuser) so it was what it was.

They are allowed a kid free wedding but that comes with accepting that some parents won't be able to come.

popapoppadum · 04/07/2022 10:31

Yes, YABU.

But I feel for you on the allergy side of things. DS has multiple allergies and it's tough going! Check out Lucy Upton (Children's Dietician) if you haven't already. Some useful advice there for helping with weaning, replacements etc.

Good luck OP

Mymoneydontjigglejiggle · 04/07/2022 10:32

We had similar except with an actual newborn who wouldn't take bottles and no option for food of course. We took my parents with us, they took the DC out and did fun things with them in the local area (park, to a cafe for cake and juice etc), and one of them would bring the newborn to me when he needed feeding. We stuck at it for as long as possible but when the newborn hit the evening fussies I just left the wedding (managed to see the first dance though!) and DH stayed for a few drinks at the reception. It was fine, so if you can find someone to do that it could work.

As for people saying it's selfish - it's actually more about cost. I have 3 DC so that means my family takes up 5 places just for kids that the bride and groom have met maybe once or twice (and never for the newborn!). People don't have unlimited funds and venues don't have unlimited spaces. I think it's perfectly understandable, especially when a lot/most of your guests have kids! We had a no kids rule as our wedding was for 30 guests. We simply couldn't afford more!

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 04/07/2022 10:35

EL8888 · 04/07/2022 10:06

Their wedding = their decision. They don’t have to have children if they don’t want to. The allergies are a red herring. Baby will be 8 months old and not milk dependent.

You've missed the point that the baby is milk dependent and won't eat.

Of course it's the bride and groom's decision, but while normally an 8 month old could be left with someone else in this case she can't be.

LondonJax · 04/07/2022 11:06

I think the fact that you've always known your cousin wants a child free wedding probably adds to the 'you really had to ask?' for me. If he's always said 'When I get married there'll be no kids', he's already given you the heads up.

And yes it's hard with a child with an illness. I have a son with a heart condition and, when he was 8 months old, there would be no way I'd be leaving him with anyone other than DH because DS would not be able to say if he felt chest pain and that's a sign of heart failure.

So, no kids weddings meant we didn't go or one of us went (DS was bottle fed which made a difference).

It's fine saying you offered to pay for a place - but what if others found out and started asking why they weren't offered the same? How would you feel if you turned up at the wedding and another cousin's child was running about when you'd left yours at home? And even bringing a baby, as someone pointed out up thread, would be galling for someone who had left their similar aged child with grandparents. It doesn't matter why you're taking the child, others just see the child and it creates ill feeling. So better to just stick to the rules and enjoy a day with your children instead.

Having said that, if the place is close enough for you to just go to the ceremony, it may be worth asking if you could (dressed up of course) just come by on your own for the ceremony. Thirty minutes tops just to see them get married. DH could wait in the car with the kids if it's that important for you to see your cousin get married.

At the end of the day children are children and it's a no children wedding so a no brainer.