AIBU to expect child’s father to do all travelling?

[Hebra387]

I split with sons dad over ten years ago, son is now nearly 13. We moved 3.5 hours away from all friends and family to a completely new area as I inherited some money and felt it best to invest in buying a property outright, although it meant moving so far away. (I also didn’t earn enough to get a mortgage). Son was happy for us to move as we’d experienced some traumas in our hometown.

Initially sons dad travelled to us every other weekend and stayed in my guest room which did NOT work out, my ex agreed this was not working. So we agreed to travel half the distance every fortnight and travel half the distance to bring son home, so essentially sharing the travel equally.

Sine Covid I was made redundant, started a new WFH role and that company went into liquidation as well, in the meantime son has developed severe anxiety around attending school and is being assessed for additional needs. So I have very limited options for work at the moment, and a very old banger which needs constant maintenance with the amount of miles I would need to do.

Few months back son has huge falling out with his father and vows not to go and see him anymore (which has been on the cards for some time, their relationship was limping along with lots of encouragement from me to keep it going.) I have since decided that due to fuel costs being so high, barely having enough money to pay bills and pay for food for a boy who eats a lot now, I cannot realistically afford to keep travelling half way and back every fortnight. Sons dad has a company car so doesn’t have to pay to maintain it, and can claim back fuel expenses, lives with his mum and has a very good job. I’ve explained the situation to my ex and said that the times our son wants to see him (which are few and far between currently) that he will need to do all the travelling. I’ve said if he wants to reduce maintenance money in light of this or see our son much less (only school holidays for eg) that’s all fine, and to just work it out with our son who’s old enough now to sort out with his dad when he sees him. I’ve also mentioned he could come down here and stay at a cheap B&B to save fuel costs and time.

AIBU?

YABU. You are the one who moved. And your finances are not his problem.

You moved away, if this goes to court you will have to facilitate meeting half way. Presumably maintenance will help?

Is there any way to work on public transport? DS is almost 13 and he's getting to that age.

My finances are his problem when I cannot afford to feed our son in light of this though?

There’s no way our son would manage public transport on his own, he is being assessed for additional needs and he barely wants to leave the house as it is

YABVU. You are the one that moved.

I think it’s a little unfair to expect him to do a seven hour round trip (twice), , or for him to have the added cost of overnight accommodation, on top of the petrol costs.

Dh may not be able to claim back petrol costs for private miles.

You say the visits are reduced now (monthly?) so could you afford to do the travelling once a month?

Well if your son won't leave the house then his Dad is going ro have to come to you !

You moved and any court wouldn't make him do all the travelling.

Sorry yes, you are being unreasonable as you are the one who moved. In the eyes of the family court, its that simple. It's incumbent on you to facilitate contact by doing half the travel..

OP would still be expected to contribute

YABVU

YABU

Presumably if he has a high paying job he pays high level of maintenance?

His company car and living with his mum would not be considered relevant.

Are you now looking for a new job?

Generally the person who moved would be considered more responsible for the cost of travel. But a court would possibly decide 50/50 if your ex were to take it to court.

But also, a court would not force a 13yo to see him against their will, if they state that they don't want to see him.

I understand why you moved having a secure home is essential.Ask your son what does he want to do,he is old enough to have a say.You say he isn’t wanting to see his father now ,that is his decision.If his father wants to take you to court the judge will take into account your son’s choice.Maybe his father could spend a few days near you in the holidays and try and build a relationship with him.Yes you moved away because you couldn’t afford to live anywhere nearer to his father that is more difficult.Good luck

Yab so very unreasonable

He does not pay a high level of maintenance, it doesn’t cover very much at all. His company car and living with his mum means he has a high level of disposable income every month and I don’t.

I am looking for a new job but as it would need to be WFH that limits me somewhat as my son is home all day and needs home Ed.

That’s part of my concerns, if I could stretch the finances to keep doing half the travelling but our son is miserable when he’s there and rings me to come and collect him (involves doing the entire journey myself) I end up with no money left for anything else but I can’t leave him there upset. Last time that happened he refused to get in his dads car so I had to put £50 in the car and go and get him.

As your son is nearly 13, it is very unlikely the family court would make him spend time with his Dad if he does not want to. The court's main consideration is what is in the best interest of your son. There is no presumption that the person who moves does all or half of the travelling; they will look at what is in your son's interest. It may well be that given the difficulties he is currently having it would be best for him for his Dad to visit him and spend time with him in his locality. Would his Dad be willing to attend mediation to work out an arrangement that would work for you son? You can self refer to family mediation and there is still legal aid available for mediation (the mediation company can discuss this with you).

My sons willing to go and see him again sporadically but I agree with you, I think his dad staying near us and popping in would be a much more gentle way of building up their relationship again. Thank you!

Yabu. He won't be able to claim fuel expenses for personal travel. If he moved would you have been happy to pay for all travel?

Great advice about mediation I will look into this. We were going to have mediation years ago but ended up coming to an amicable arrangement.

If I earned over £35k a year and he was on universal credit of £625 a month and £80 child benefit I would’ve paid for all the travel if our son wanted to see his dad yes.

How about you ask Dad to drop him off and you pick him up? That way it's half but your son gets to choose when he leaves.

Although he lives with his mum and has low outgoings, you had enough money to buy a houses outright, if your son has additional needs do you claim dla

I would consider this if I had the fuel money to do the picking up journey in my (very) old car but I currently don’t.