AIBU to expect child’s father to do all travelling?

[Hebra387]

I split with sons dad over ten years ago, son is now nearly 13. We moved 3.5 hours away from all friends and family to a completely new area as I inherited some money and felt it best to invest in buying a property outright, although it meant moving so far away. (I also didn’t earn enough to get a mortgage). Son was happy for us to move as we’d experienced some traumas in our hometown.

Initially sons dad travelled to us every other weekend and stayed in my guest room which did NOT work out, my ex agreed this was not working. So we agreed to travel half the distance every fortnight and travel half the distance to bring son home, so essentially sharing the travel equally.

Sine Covid I was made redundant, started a new WFH role and that company went into liquidation as well, in the meantime son has developed severe anxiety around attending school and is being assessed for additional needs. So I have very limited options for work at the moment, and a very old banger which needs constant maintenance with the amount of miles I would need to do.

Few months back son has huge falling out with his father and vows not to go and see him anymore (which has been on the cards for some time, their relationship was limping along with lots of encouragement from me to keep it going.) I have since decided that due to fuel costs being so high, barely having enough money to pay bills and pay for food for a boy who eats a lot now, I cannot realistically afford to keep travelling half way and back every fortnight. Sons dad has a company car so doesn’t have to pay to maintain it, and can claim back fuel expenses, lives with his mum and has a very good job. I’ve explained the situation to my ex and said that the times our son wants to see him (which are few and far between currently) that he will need to do all the travelling. I’ve said if he wants to reduce maintenance money in light of this or see our son much less (only school holidays for eg) that’s all fine, and to just work it out with our son who’s old enough now to sort out with his dad when he sees him. I’ve also mentioned he could come down here and stay at a cheap B&B to save fuel costs and time.

AIBU?

Is he paying you the right amount?

I am very much focused on getting him back to school, we’re being seen by CAHMS to deal with his mental health crisis.

Ive never been overly concerned by the maintenance as I’ve always just wanted to keep the peace.

You’re being absolutely outrageous. You’re in this situation because of choices you made. You chose to move the boy 3.5 hours from his father so of course you’re going to get stuck with the bulk of the childcare and of course you should expect to do the travelling. How would you feel if it was the other way round and your ex had moved your son 3.5 hours from you and expected you to do a 7 hour round trip every other weekend? Have you thought of moving back since it’s clearly not working for you where you are?

Well, if your son doesn't want to see him and he's abusive then don't make him see him. He should still pay CM though - contact CMS, he can blow his top all he wants.

Could you consider change of times? My DD was still doing half the school holidays at that age.

I love living where we live and so does my son. Also, if the shoe was on the other foot and I earned a good wage and didn’t live with my son, I’d travel to pick him up if my ex didn’t have the finances to do so.

I have agreed to all school holidays or half of them or whatever my son and ex want to do, but my son wouldn’t last the week. Sometimes he doesn’t last a weekend there and I have phone calls in the night with him in tears begging me to come and get him.

But right now you need the main ten e for your ds.

The maintenance and travel are separate issues.

The first thing I'd do is go through cms.

Then once you know how much you will be getting you can then look again at the finances of travelling.

For example if you're getting (say £200) a month too little that would cover financing a new car and the petrol.

YABU you move, you travel.

If he was the one who moved and he expected you to do all the travelling, would you?

If you think he’s not paying you enough then check the CMS calculator and speak to him about it. If he refuses then go through CMS.

You could speak to him about him seeing him less frequently or for longer so the travelling is less frequent.

If I earned the money he does and had a company car then yes I would. I’ve also said he can see him whenever they both decide, less frequently, for longer (altho son probably wouldn’t cope) he can stay in b&b here, he can see him school hols only etc.

OP it doesn't sound like you can afford to choose to home educate, your priority has to be employment to enable you to provide for your child, at the same time this will also enable you to facilitate contact with his father. What was your plan when you moved such a long way away, sorry but I refuse to believe there was not a single close place you could have afforded that was even a little closer! Your focus now needs to be getting your child back into school so that you can work and provide what they need, which includes a relationship with their dad.

No. But if it went to Court OP could offer dad does 50/50.
I'm shocked OP is the resident parent and surely bares the brunt of daily costs?

What about longer stays in school holidays? 3.5 hours is a long drive... not sure what to suggest.

Have you checked CMS to compare what you are getting currently? I personally would go through them.. let him blow his lid he's probably paying you too little.

You ruined the chance of them having a better relationship by moving away. He might be a useless arsehole but you chose a house in the sticks which used up the whole inheritance over 3 hours away over his chance to have a meaningful day to day relationship with his dad.

Expecting credit for any of that is extremely rich. You did no one but yourself any favours and it was free money, not something you worked for.

You need to make whatever changes are necessary to improve your own situation, it’s not your ex’s responsibility. You’ve been apart a decade and where he lives and what he spends his money on is none of your business. He’s gone way above and beyond travelling to you at all.

You need to go via CMS to make sure you're receiving the maintenance you're entitled to.

How much should he be paying based on what he earns?

But you don't know this? Is there a lot of drama and to do made of contact? You moved when dc was 3?

So very easy to say when you’ll never have to do it…

This.

He definitely can't claim for fuel for personal mileage. There's just no way to do that because of tax implications.

Options are to pay company car private fuel tax - could be an extra £120 to £250+ per month income tax - or pay for the private fuel yourself.

I dont think it's fair.
You moved away but want him to do all the driving.

You are keeping your son at home but wanting jobs to work around that.

I understand the difficulty but something has to give.

This man shouldn't be expected to do 100% of the travelling when hes only 50% of the parents.

You moved the huge distance away? How could you possibly expect him to do all the running around? This is a ridiculous post, clearly yabu

At 13 my friends daughter decided to no longer see her dad;their relationship had been breaking down anyway and the dad wasn't willing to put an effort into maintaining the relationship between them.He's a difficult person anyway.My friends other daughter did what her sister did aged 10.As with her sister he did nothing to save that relationship either.

Your son is entitled to have as much or as little contact as he likes with his dad.

You can't physically force a 13 year old boy into a car so if he doesn't wish to go then as others have said a court will not force him. People talk out their arse when they say what a court will or won't do.

If it was me I'd get legal advice, it is probably worth a couple of hundred quid for a lawyer to write a letter stating your position.

You can't magic money. Yes, some of your choices might be questioned but if you can't afford it, you can't afford it and your priority needs to be feeding you and your son, by the sound of it, not forcing him to visit his dad when he doesn't want to. You can't pour from an empty bucket.