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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect child’s father to do all travelling?

131 replies

Hebra387 · 03/07/2022 19:46

I split with sons dad over ten years ago, son is now nearly 13. We moved 3.5 hours away from all friends and family to a completely new area as I inherited some money and felt it best to invest in buying a property outright, although it meant moving so far away. (I also didn’t earn enough to get a mortgage). Son was happy for us to move as we’d experienced some traumas in our hometown.

Initially sons dad travelled to us every other weekend and stayed in my guest room which did NOT work out, my ex agreed this was not working. So we agreed to travel half the distance every fortnight and travel half the distance to bring son home, so essentially sharing the travel equally.

Sine Covid I was made redundant, started a new WFH role and that company went into liquidation as well, in the meantime son has developed severe anxiety around attending school and is being assessed for additional needs. So I have very limited options for work at the moment, and a very old banger which needs constant maintenance with the amount of miles I would need to do.

Few months back son has huge falling out with his father and vows not to go and see him anymore (which has been on the cards for some time, their relationship was limping along with lots of encouragement from me to keep it going.) I have since decided that due to fuel costs being so high, barely having enough money to pay bills and pay for food for a boy who eats a lot now, I cannot realistically afford to keep travelling half way and back every fortnight. Sons dad has a company car so doesn’t have to pay to maintain it, and can claim back fuel expenses, lives with his mum and has a very good job. I’ve explained the situation to my ex and said that the times our son wants to see him (which are few and far between currently) that he will need to do all the travelling. I’ve said if he wants to reduce maintenance money in light of this or see our son much less (only school holidays for eg) that’s all fine, and to just work it out with our son who’s old enough now to sort out with his dad when he sees him. I’ve also mentioned he could come down here and stay at a cheap B&B to save fuel costs and time.

AIBU?

OP posts:
igetittotally · 03/07/2022 20:12

Hebra387 · 03/07/2022 20:08

Great advice about mediation I will look into this. We were going to have mediation years ago but ended up coming to an amicable arrangement.

Well going against the grain you are NOT being U!
Your son doesn't enjoy seeing his dad atm, you have a LOT going on, let him come to you!
Bloody hell you are doing the bulk of the child raising how much more are you expected to do?!
And I doubt he would are you to court but IF he does then you can deal with it.
Sending hugs - one single parent to another! Xx

SmileyPiuPiu · 03/07/2022 20:12

My first instinct was that no, you moved, you have to help facilitate contact, even if it's meeting halfway. However, if you can't afford it you can't afford it and I think your offer of him taking the petrol money out the maintenance is a good compromise if it works for him and very good of you as a lot of people would be very adamant they wanted every penny.

Original poster
Hebra387 · 03/07/2022 20:12

Yes I did but that’s all my savings gone in the house. Sent forms off for DLA a few weeks ago.

OP posts:
PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 03/07/2022 20:13

Hebra387 · 03/07/2022 20:07

My sons willing to go and see him again sporadically but I agree with you, I think his dad staying near us and popping in would be a much more gentle way of building up their relationship again. Thank you!

You would still be expected to contribute btw.

Original poster
Hebra387 · 03/07/2022 20:14

Thank you very much! I’m so glad someone can see that I have done a lot to put a roof over our sons head and feed and clothe him and make sure he has everything he needs at home with me despite living on a shoestring! X

OP posts:
Original poster
Hebra387 · 03/07/2022 20:14

Contribute in what way?

OP posts:
SmileyPiuPiu · 03/07/2022 20:14

Hebra387 · 03/07/2022 20:06

He does not pay a high level of maintenance, it doesn’t cover very much at all. His company car and living with his mum means he has a high level of disposable income every month and I don’t.

I am looking for a new job but as it would need to be WFH that limits me somewhat as my son is home all day and needs home Ed.

That’s part of my concerns, if I could stretch the finances to keep doing half the travelling but our son is miserable when he’s there and rings me to come and collect him (involves doing the entire journey myself) I end up with no money left for anything else but I can’t leave him there upset. Last time that happened he refused to get in his dads car so I had to put £50 in the car and go and get him.

If your ex travelled and deducted the petrol money from the maintainance that would leave you in the same position? But I guess without the running costs of a car.

GylesBrandrethNewJumper · 03/07/2022 20:15

Bloody hell you are doing the bulk of the child raising how much more are you expected to do?

She moved 3.5 hours away so yes she is doing the bulk.

Original poster
Hebra387 · 03/07/2022 20:16

Thank you. I thought when our son said he didn’t want to see his dad anymore that his dad was going to stop the maintenance money but I wasn’t too bothered about that. It’s not a lot anyway and I could make do. I’d rather they had a good relationship than have any money!

OP posts:
Dalirose · 03/07/2022 20:17

I do think you ABU. What did your ex say about this when you suggested it? 7 hour round trip twice over one weekend is quite a lot to expect. If it was him that moved away, I'd be enclined to say you were not BU. If finances are genuinely a struggle and you would struggle to pay bills/food on top of fuel for these drives, would your ex possibly increase maintenance to compensate and you could continue to meet half way? (When your DS is happy to go to his dad's that is)

Original poster
Hebra387 · 03/07/2022 20:18

Exactly and if the car goes up the spout I really would be stuffed as we live in the sticks.

OP posts:
Vikinga · 03/07/2022 20:20

I think that moving 3.5 hours away from his father was very unfair. Also at 13 kids want to be with their friends and not spending the weekend with a parent.

But if you can't afford it then ask your ex to contribute to petrol and the purchase of a newer car.

itsgettingweird · 03/07/2022 20:20

Are you sure you're getting the right amount of CM if it's so little? Do you use CMS?

With regards travel I'm afraid you do need to help facilitate if ds wants to see his dad. You made the decision to move away - and you can't know if you'd stayed closer that the relationship wouldn't be better than it is now.

Original poster
Hebra387 · 03/07/2022 20:21

Potentially if he increased the money but it’s the fact that my son isn’t that happy to go down there anyway, and another problem is that lots of jobs I want to apply for are Monday to Friday 9-5 ish, and we used to travel Friday afternoons, so I was having to apply for jobs where I could have Fridays off which meant cutting down my options even more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hebra387 · 03/07/2022 20:22

Ex is happy to do it at the moment but I don’t see it beings every fortnight because that is a lot.

OP posts:
Misstes · 03/07/2022 20:22

If you can make do without the maintenance, why don’t you just put it to one side for petrol? You cant be that hard up if you say you can make do without it.

Original poster
Hebra387 · 03/07/2022 20:22

It was rent in the area we lived in and burn through all my savings, living in an area where an abusive ex was, or have a fresh start (which my son also wanted) in a lovely area in our own place.

OP posts:
NewYorkPleasecake · 03/07/2022 20:23

YABVVVVVVVVVVVU

You moved away.

You are receiving maintenance.

Original poster
Hebra387 · 03/07/2022 20:24

It doesn’t cover two journeys a month plus maintenance of the car, and if I had to do without it of course I would have to. Would mean food banks and borrowing from family, but it could be done.

OP posts:
bloodyunicorns · 03/07/2022 20:24

But... you need to earn money. Apply for jobs that are the usual hours, then come to an agreement with your ex. But now you're saying that you have to apply for WFH jobs? Because your ds is not at school? I'd focus on getting him back to school asap. He needs to be there. And you need to earn money too.

Alternatively, contact the CMS and ensure you're getting what you should be for ds.

But you moved 3.5 hours away, so it should be your responsibility to take ds to see his dad... my h's ex moved 3 hours away after they divorced, and we travelled to see dc every month for 15 years...

I hope you can sort it.

balalake · 03/07/2022 20:25

I don't think you are being unreasonable, though I think the discussion should be around fewer visits given the relationship there is (or isn't) between your DS and his dad.

If someone is fortunate not to have to pay fuel costs and the other person has a low income, reasonable to change arrangements.

Dalirose · 03/07/2022 20:25

Hebra387 · 03/07/2022 20:21

Potentially if he increased the money but it’s the fact that my son isn’t that happy to go down there anyway, and another problem is that lots of jobs I want to apply for are Monday to Friday 9-5 ish, and we used to travel Friday afternoons, so I was having to apply for jobs where I could have Fridays off which meant cutting down my options even more.

I don't think asking him to increase maintenance to facilitate is unreasonable at the moment considering your financial situation and you are doing the bulk of child care.
Could your ex not do the full drive to collect on a Friday and you do the pick up on the Sunday?

Original poster
Hebra387 · 03/07/2022 20:25

Never used CMS as ex would’ve blown his top if I’d ever suggested it. Their relationship in my opinion has limped along partly due to how infrequently they’ve seen each other. My son would’ve blown his dad out years ago if they’d lived nearer imo

OP posts:
Original poster
Hebra387 · 03/07/2022 20:26

Thank you!

OP posts:
RubricEnemy · 03/07/2022 20:26

If you cannot afford to make the trip twice a month, then you cannot afford it. Shouting 'but you moved' doesn't produce the cash to fill the tank. You moved when petrol prices were not so prohibitive - obviously at the moment, everyone is having to re-evaluate their travel.

That said, expecting ex to do all the driving, and you none, is unreasonable. You not only chose to move, but you chose to move a very long distance from ex. That's understandable, but you need to try to keep up his relationship with Dad where possible. It sounds like ex has been good about travelling to see his son?

I think offering ex a series of options is a good idea - you can meet halfway once/month; he can come up once/month and stay in a b&b; ex can pay for the petrol needed but you can do the driving, etc.