AIBU to expect child’s father to do all travelling?

[Hebra387]

I split with sons dad over ten years ago, son is now nearly 13. We moved 3.5 hours away from all friends and family to a completely new area as I inherited some money and felt it best to invest in buying a property outright, although it meant moving so far away. (I also didn’t earn enough to get a mortgage). Son was happy for us to move as we’d experienced some traumas in our hometown.

Initially sons dad travelled to us every other weekend and stayed in my guest room which did NOT work out, my ex agreed this was not working. So we agreed to travel half the distance every fortnight and travel half the distance to bring son home, so essentially sharing the travel equally.

Sine Covid I was made redundant, started a new WFH role and that company went into liquidation as well, in the meantime son has developed severe anxiety around attending school and is being assessed for additional needs. So I have very limited options for work at the moment, and a very old banger which needs constant maintenance with the amount of miles I would need to do.

Few months back son has huge falling out with his father and vows not to go and see him anymore (which has been on the cards for some time, their relationship was limping along with lots of encouragement from me to keep it going.) I have since decided that due to fuel costs being so high, barely having enough money to pay bills and pay for food for a boy who eats a lot now, I cannot realistically afford to keep travelling half way and back every fortnight. Sons dad has a company car so doesn’t have to pay to maintain it, and can claim back fuel expenses, lives with his mum and has a very good job. I’ve explained the situation to my ex and said that the times our son wants to see him (which are few and far between currently) that he will need to do all the travelling. I’ve said if he wants to reduce maintenance money in light of this or see our son much less (only school holidays for eg) that’s all fine, and to just work it out with our son who’s old enough now to sort out with his dad when he sees him. I’ve also mentioned he could come down here and stay at a cheap B&B to save fuel costs and time.

AIBU?

I would say you can't get blood from a stone. The OP can't spend money she doesn't have. She is struggling to feed her child and herself. Regardless of the rights and wrongs of it, she shouldn't spend money on travel if she's a few quid away from having to visit food banks. That's not to say the situation is ideal or to condone her moving so far away, but it is what it is. The priority needs to be feeding and clothing this child over forcing him to visit a father who he doesn't really want to see, at least away from home (the OP has indicated that the dad staying nearby and shorter visits might be a good way to rescue the relationship). If the situation changes, the child's mental health improves and the OP gets a job so money isn't such an issue, then clearly the situation can then be reassessed.

I honestly don't see anything wrong with what you've said. I agree with you because feeding your son, is more important than a lift halfway to dad's.

OK @CrispieCake is that your thoughts on a NRP who says they can't pay money?
Op have you really been mega supportive and encouraging of dc and dad contact? You said they've not wanted to see dad for some time, so started when 8/9?

You seem to want it all your way or no way.

You chose to move so far away from your child's dad. That wasn't fair on dad.

You've got an awful lot of excuses but don't seem to want to find a mutually beneficial solution.
Maybe your child has anxiety from being dragged away from all that was familiar to him.
Maybe he's still struggling with his parents' separation?

That you cannot afford food etc... is worrying. Maybe your decision to buy a house outright, leaving you with no financial buffer zone and at whatever the cost, was not a sound decision.

You've got an awful lot to ponder here.

An NRP who can't pay money (for example, because they have no income) doesn't have to pay money, do they?

If there's no money for travel, what do you expect the OP to do? Magic some out of thin air? Or force her DS to survive on air and water to pay for the petrol?

If he's 13 and doesn't want to see his dad, that's his decision. Family court only interested in younger kids.

Not true at all.

Expecting credit for any of that is extremely rich. You did no one but yourself any favours and it was free money, not something you worked for

FFS. She secured the roof over her and her son’s heads. What else should she have done? Spent it on chocolate, a fast car and holidays? that would have been for the OP only. The jealousy you feel at people who are fortunate to be able to secure their housing is something you should perhaps a bit of a think abou. You are so unreasonable with that statement.

It's going to take the OP some time to sort out her finances, query whether she's going to be able to remortgage with no job/ limited income and taking away her son's security when he's having mental health issues by selling his home doesn't seem a good option. And she's trying to get a job.

What else do you expect her to do right at this moment? She's trying to make the best choices for her son in a difficult situation... forcing him out of his home or letting him go hungry are not good options. Asking for more help from his other parent seems a better one.

Company cars are taxable benefits, most won’t cover personal miles. Some will allow personal miles in them and then claim them back in the wages.

other you have to pay fuel as normal for personal mileage

BIK depending on the car can be an absolute cost killer.

Last company car I had the BIK was more than the insurance on my own car so the only main benefit was if anything needed repairing it wasn’t on my cost

Reading between the lines, it sounds like the best thing the OP could do for her finances right now would be to claim maintenance through the CMS and make sure she gets the full amount due.

YABU as others have said. Also work mileage is very unlikely to cover personal miles. 7 hours driving to collect his son then again to bring him back is far too much to expect when it wasn’t his choice to move.

She could have saved some. So if she lost her job she didn’t have to welch on her obligation to facilitate her son’s contact with his father.

Pretty bizarre the only options you can think of are buying a house outright leaving no buffer or… buying chocolate.

I’m not jealous of any of this. I haven’t made selfish irresponsible decisions which hurt my child.

@CrispieCake it's not a remortgage though, op owns house outright? So is it not move to cheaper area? Ops not working, dc not at school so very good time to find somewhere that's going to meet their needs with less financial stress and more opportunities and support?

Courts coild very well see differently. They would certainly expect OP to work.

You own a house outright.
you chose to move so far away.
You need to pay expenses for your ds to visit his DF.
you are the one alienating him.

At which you should be replying ‘no, your with your father. I’ll see you in a coil,e of days’.
your ds has you wrapped around his little finger.

Very much this.

When I went through the family court process, ex was ordered to do all travelling. They took into account my finances, driving ability and mental health and came up with an order that was in the childrens best interests.

In this case it’s wouldn’t be in your child's best interest to spend what limited money you have on travel, it would be better spent on him.

That being said at 13 his voice would be heard and if he is struggling leaving the house he would t then be made to.

When I went through the family court process, ex was ordered to do all travelling. They took into account my finances, driving ability and mental health and came up with an order that was in the childrens best interests.

Well that's very different to our experience.

DH exW was ordered to pay half and trust me she did everything to try not to.